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  #1381  
Old 06-06-2012, 08:34 PM
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Gaud I'm so sick of myself. How can I expect other people to enjoy my company when I don't enjoy it my self. I don't want to hang out with anyone right now. I don't even want to hear from people. Thankfully most people don't talk to me unless I reach out to them.

I'm not the best company. I don't feel particularly worthy or special in any way. I just feel like its an obligation to spend time with me and that people put in their time.

I'm not telling any of this to Mono. Maybe one day he will read this, but by then it will of passed so whatever. The expression on his face and what he says sometimes makes me realise he wishes he could run. I know how he feels, yet I stand firm that I am not going anywhere.

Tomorrow they are having a coffee date in the evening. I was asked if this is okay. How can one answer that? No = I am a controlling bitch who gets to say what happens when, yes = I don't care about you, do what you want. I feel like I am the bad guy in all this right now.
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  #1382  
Old 06-06-2012, 08:57 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Tomorrow they are having a coffee date in the evening. I was asked if this is okay. How can one answer that? No = I am a controlling bitch who gets to say what happens when, yes = I don't care about you, do what you want. I feel like I am the bad guy in all this right now.
It's fine to say: "I'm NOT okay with this, but I know that's unreasonable, so go have a nice chat. However, I might need some extra time together (or something else) when you get home."

I truly sympathize with you on this. I've been through watching my husband develop a close relationship with another lady and because there was no sex involved, he couldn't see how I viewed this as a threat. I would say that there does need to be some boundaries (circumstance appropriate of course) put in place and treat this lady as if she was a g/f.
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  #1383  
Old 06-06-2012, 10:16 PM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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I haven't logged on here for a while but I wanted to send you hugs and some thoughts.

I wondered if you might still be grieving the loss of Leo? I only raise it because I see some similarities in some of what you write with what I have been feeling since my Dad died in January.

At first, there was the funeral to get through and all the upset immediately before and after his death. But by now I had expected to be fine again - and I'm not.

My moods are not settled. I can be happy, hopeful and upbeat one minute and in the next, really down and feel like everything is hopeless. It seems to be part of grieving.

This may or may not help but I'm finding that making sure I have plenty of time to myself is useful. And balancing that with spending time with close friends and my SO doing different things.

Anyway - hugs. Horrible to be dealing with a breach of trust also.

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  #1384  
Old 06-07-2012, 04:16 AM
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I'm not the best company. I don't feel particularly worthy or special in any way. I just feel like its an obligation to spend time with me and that people put in their time.
.
Just so you know this isn't true. I enjoy spending time with you, happy you, sad you, excited you and hurting you. You ARE special even if you're not feeling it right now.
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  #1385  
Old 06-07-2012, 06:44 AM
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Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
It's fine to say: "I'm NOT okay with this, but I know that's unreasonable, so go have a nice chat. However, I might need some extra time together (or something else) when you get home."

I truly sympathize with you on this. I've been through watching my husband develop a close relationship with another lady and because there was no sex involved, he couldn't see how I viewed this as a threat. I would say that there does need to be some boundaries (circumstance appropriate of course) put in place and treat this lady as if she was a g/f.
Me three, lol. He honestly couldn't see what the problem was. "Well, you know I'm not going anywhere, and it's not like we're doing anything, so..."

It took a lot for me to not shake him.
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  #1386  
Old 06-07-2012, 05:20 PM
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Tonight Mono talked to PN about what has been going on for him. I noted that in hearing the story from both of them that the underlying theme at the moment is that everything has changed. I don't know if it has. I guess time will tell.

I haven't found my "letting it all go" button. I hope its not broken.
LOL! Those buttons tend to come and go in terms of working, at will. So be patient, even if its broken today, it may be working again shortly.

I'm glad that they talked too. They needed to do that. PN and LB need to know that this is a moment that needs gone through, but not the end of the world.

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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Gaud I'm so sick of myself.

I'm not the best company. I don't feel particularly worthy or special in any way. I just feel like its an obligation to spend time with me and that people put in their time.


Tomorrow they are having a coffee date in the evening. I was asked if this is okay. How can one answer that? No = I am a controlling bitch who gets to say what happens when, yes = I don't care about you, do what you want. I feel like I am the bad guy in all this right now.
It doesn't work that way sweetie. As Derby said-people who care about you, and I know that there are many of us who do, are happy to be around you in happiness and in sadness etc. It's ok to express your feelings. They don't have to always be good feelings!

I completely get you on the date thing. That question makes me NUTS! It's been one of the arguments for Maca and I several times. There is NO right answer to that question, because either I screw myself directly or I screw myself indirectly.
I happen to agree with SNeacail on this one, having gone through it SO MANY TIMES, Im a firm believer in telling the other person no I'm not ok with it right now,but I'm also not sure that's fair or reasonable, so I want you to go, do what you need to do and then come home and cuddle with me while I get my head around what's going on inside me.

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It's fine to say: "I'm NOT okay with this, but I know that's unreasonable, so go have a nice chat. However, I might need some extra time together (or something else) when you get home."
YES YES YES

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Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
Just so you know this isn't true. I enjoy spending time with you, happy you, sad you, excited you and hurting you. You ARE special even if you're not feeling it right now.
YES YES YES
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  #1387  
Old 06-07-2012, 09:06 PM
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That whole coming home thing is more of a conundrum. In my head it plays out like, "fuck off and leave me alone you bastard for not loving me and only me. I don't know where you have been and what you have done and for all I know you have no feelings for me at all and are just placating me," to "please hold me tight and tell me you love me and always will. Tell me you love only me and that this was all a dream and we can go back to normal." I don't know how people get through this kind of thing with any kind of self esteem and sense of self worth left.

We had a lovely night last night of no talking and processing, just closeness. Strained closeness, but closeness just the same. I felt his love for me and even if there was doubt in his eyes and pain, I at least knew he loves me.

My struggle is to not allow the doubt and lack of trust to seep in. I hear him say he is not going to take this relationship with her anywhere. I hear that they will just be friends and just work out how that will be, because he doesn't want more and is moving further away from feeling that kind of bond the way it was (mostly because of the unpheavel this has caused, not because it isn't there), but I am confused about what will happen. I am trying to live in the moment and not take what he says as him deciding that he is poly or monogamous. Just that in this circumstance he is not able, willing or wanting to go forward with a romantic relationship with her. What does it mean to decide to only have a romantic connection with one person and shove all others notions that come up? I want confirmation of what our future will be, but of course, that is impossible and not rational.

I don't get why in his mind he has become so free with me being able to date others. He says that its conformed for him now that other men are not a threat any more. How? Does that mean he cares less? He can let me go now because he doesn't love me as much or care how connected we are any more? I'm so confused.
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  #1388  
Old 06-08-2012, 01:41 AM
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Or it could be that he's closer to understanding loving more than one, because he is experiencing it. Maybe now he *gets* it?
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  #1389  
Old 06-08-2012, 02:46 AM
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Or it could be that he's closer to understanding loving more than one, because he is experiencing it. Maybe now he *gets* it?
That is what he keeps saying.... that he has experienced it.
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  #1390  
Old 06-08-2012, 02:52 AM
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Or it could be that he's closer to understanding loving more than one, because he is experiencing it. Maybe now he *gets* it?
I thought this and that maybe he is seeing your reaction from this whole situation he realizes how important he and your relationship are to you. Maybe other men aren't a threat anymore because it is obvious that despite (or because of depending on the perspective) the other people in your life, you cherish what you have with him.

I've never commented on your blog before, but it makes me sad how down on yourself you are getting, and like many others before I just want to say that I'm sure you two will work it out. People and perspectives change, and despite being adamant about how/who he is, maybe Mono isn't as mono as he thought.
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