Boundaries with Social Networking

[newtoday]

Originally Posted by Vinccenzo

I get it. You and he likely have mutual friends on each others pages. Maybe even co workers who know about your initial relationship or marriage that won't react well to less conventional lifestyles. When she posts stuff with and about him - pics he is tagged to and comments on his page, those mutual friends and co workers tend to go hmmm WTF?
Then they contact you or him with questions you didn't intend to answer or expect to be bothered with when you're not the one dating her. Or worse just start avoiding you or treating you and he oddly. If you didn't expect it or want that kind of attention it can get sticky.

Make sure you and he are on the same tip regarding this. Adjust your privacy settings to hide it from certain people; you can make something invisible to individual people without making it so to all. Then have a sit down with her about it and see if it can be smoothed out.

Good points, but that's not what she said. This isn't a privacy issue, she feels disrespected.

Originally Posted by papolycouple

I am now feeling this is being done on purpose for my benefit. I have taken the high road and not rebut or make a fuss. But I feel disrespected by these actions? Please help?

She said that she felt the posts were made directly for her benefit. She's suspecting malicious intent of his gf in her postings.

She may be right. But she may be over-reacting and it's just hard to see her SO loving another in their world, not hers. I can see why that might bother some. But that's her issue, not the 'secondary's'.

The best advice that has given on here is to not react, block posts, remove as friend, etc. If it's not being done maliciously, then she saves face and refrains from looking paranoid, insecure, jealous, etc. If she is right and it is being done to upset her, then she's the bigger person in not reacting and having confidence in her bf and his commitment to her.

I GET it... my bf still has former gf's on his and they post things sometimes that make me insane. He doesn't understand the issue! I have to remind myself, it's not his fault, I just block those 'ladies' so that I don't have to deal with their crap anymore.

Damn that Facebook. Such drama sometimes.

[papolycouple]

I should clear up a few things. I didn't expect such a response. These are my issues:

We live in a VERY small town. - Everyone knows everyone's business, It is well known that him and I are together. We are not out to family just a handful of friends.

We are both business owners and have clients that may not understand our lifestyle. (I do have such things in place, like certain list for certain people)

This particular second partner was a former monogamous girlfriend, they parted ways more than 10 years ago before this lifestyle started and she is having a hard time excepting the lifestyle.

I could careless about her post but she is tagging him in every thing she writes.

However most of this may be for nothing, due to the fact I have noticed some items have been deleted. I spoke to him as we do everyday and he did recognize that these things were done. He told me he is trying to educate her and discuss the rules him and I have agreed upon.

Once again thanks for all your response, I need to look at this with a few more eyes.

[Tonberry]

I still don't understand why you seem to go through him rather than talk to her directly. I feel if I was in her position, I wouldn't enjoy people talking about me behind my back rather than addressing the issues they have with me.

[CielDuMatin]

I'm with Tonberry - we have asked if you can talk to her directly - this is most definitely going to be the best way to deal with it, if possible.

And personal comfort issues are VERY different from the issue of "outing" folks as poly. if you are concerned of being outed, then she absolutely needs to respect that.

[km34]

Originally Posted by CielDuMatin

And personal comfort issues are VERY different from the issue of "outing" folks as poly. if you are concerned of being outed, then she absolutely needs to respect that.

I agree with this.

I also agree that you should probably talk to her instead of just having your boyfriend do it. If he accidentally (or purposefully - in my experience men like to feel validated and will often share their supporters' identities) says to her, "Well, papoly and I have been talking and..." to get her to stop posting, she may very well feel like you're doing it to attack her (kind of like you at one point perceived her posts as attacks to you). Direct communication so she can hear WHY you're worried about the posts would probably be better than second hand information.

On a side note, he can untag himself in the photos. I know that doesn't get rid of them, but then only her friends can see them (assuming she has good privacy settings on there) instead of his friends, your friends, etc. It may help a bit to keep the relationship under wraps.

[YouAreHere]

I've gone through my FB privacy settings and made it so that all tagged posts have to be approved by me before they will show up on my wall/to my friends/whatever. Perhaps this would be an option for your BF, so nobody gets surprised, him included?

I second the recommendation to talk to her - in my experience, it was uncomfortable as HELL at first, and I used my partner as a go-between quite often, but it was frustrating for him, and we ended up not communicating well at all, just because it turned into a giant game of "telephone". ("Well, that's really not what I meant.") It also made it easier to stay distanced from her, which I really needed to put aside for things to stay healthy.

[opalescent]

Hey YouAreHere,

How does one do that on Facebook? I've futzed about with my settings and have yet to figure out how to set that up.

[YouAreHere]

Originally Posted by opalescent

Hey YouAreHere,

How does one do that on Facebook? I've futzed about with my settings and have yet to figure out how to set that up.

At the top right, click the triangle next to "Home" and select "Privacy Settings". Then, under "Timeline and Tagging", select "Edit Settings".

In there, you have a few options.

• "Review posts Friends tag you in before they appear on your timeline" (I have this set to ON - it queues up items for you to review and won't let them through until you approve them)
  
• "Who can see you in posts you've been tagged in" (I have this set to a custom list, but you can set it to friends, or be more or less restrictive)
  
• "Review tags friends add to your own posts on Facebook" (I have this set to ON as well)
  
• "Who sees tag suggestions when photos that look like you are uploaded" (I have this set to "No one")

If he does the first and third bullets, then at least he can review any tags of him before they go out "into the wild". Tags within comments are a different animal, though, and I don't believe you can turn those off separately. Hope this helps!

[papolycouple]

Thank you everyone for your comments. This issue going to be settled once and for all this week. We are all having a meeting and my bf and I have created a document that spells out our demands with our secondaries. If no one complies we will be ending the relationships with all parties.

[newtoday]

Originally Posted by papolycouple

Thank you everyone for your comments. This issue going to be settled once and for all this week. We are all having a meeting and my bf and I have created a document that spells out our demands with our secondaries. If no one complies we will be ending the relationships with all parties.

Sounds like the Nondisclosure Agreement in 50 Shades of Grey.

Are you serious?????

A Demand Document with compliance??

Yeah, good luck with that!