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  #21  
Old 06-06-2012, 05:43 PM
GreenMom GreenMom is offline
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well I'm a spammy blogger today. I just found out that Marty is hanging out with an ex and they are taking his son/her daughter out and about to the park and etc today. Cue the green eyed monster. My paranoid, overthinking, pessimistic mind immediately leaps to, maybe this is why he's so uninterested in me lately. Even though I know from talking to him, as well as his wife, that he has little to no interest in resuming anything with her. Let alone replacing me with her, of all things.

I wish our schedules meshed more so we could take his kid/my kids out for things as a group more often. I wish that I didn't feel like I was an obligation instead of something wanted. I wish I didn't always feel like the lowest possible priority. And I know so very much of this is internal and I need to just suck it up, be a grown up, and get better at being my own primary, as I see others mention on here, rather than counting on happiness coming from my husband, boyfriend, or anyone else except ME.

Husband and I are not seeing eye to eye this week either which is not helping my overall mood and adds to my uncertainty about tonight. Do I stay home and try to be supportive of the things hubby is dealing with, even though I dramatically disagree with him and am having trouble reining in my annoyance with him over the thing bothering him? (not that it bothers him - feelings are what you feel and therefore never wrong - we just disagree on the thing itself) or do I get a break from the home tension and attempt to enjoy a date night that will likely be more accurately me hanging with boyfriend and his family? if I do go over can I keep my brain from assuming that he doesn't want me there and he'd rather be doing any number of things than whiling a few hours away with me? can I fake it til I make it and try to fight off all this negativity?

I am soooo glad for blogs sometime, I can babble as much as I want and no one has to be annoyed by it, LOL.
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"This, too, is sacred."
I am my own primary.
Me: F, 30's, bi.
Sadist: my fwb. M, 30's.
Pandora: Sadist's gf. F, 30's.
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  #22  
Old 06-06-2012, 06:32 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Oh, I love your babbling. I like to babble too.

Hmmm. I really don't think you need to "suck it up" after expressing what you need and knowing that your bf is not able or willing to give it to you. Why do you think you just have to put up with disappointment and frustration all the time, and not having the kind of exciting, exuberant lover you really want? All the hoping and wanting and wishing certainly does sound like a waste of your time and energy when you get so little in return. Sometimes we have to let go of people we love if our needs won't be met - that doesn't mean either of you are bad people, but simply that it isn't working out. And then sometimes we find out that it wasn't really love but just a wistful hope of love. So, maybe you need to assert yourself and see if there is someone else out there more compatible for you.
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 06-06-2012 at 06:34 PM.
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  #23  
Old 06-06-2012, 06:39 PM
GreenMom GreenMom is offline
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Hi nycindie - thanks for your comments, I always appreciate them.

I have actually started being open to the idea of dating someone else, and have taken some small actions in that direction. At this point, my hope is to keep Marty in my life in a much more relaxed way. Similar to your concept of lover-friends I have read about in other parts of these boards. I still need to have The Talk with him to tell him what exactly I want/need from what we have, but really, I have identified that part of the problem was stemming from me expecting too much, not just of him, but of both of us.

I'm not giving him a wash on behavior that I view as inconsiderate by any means, even though I recognize much of it has to do with his anxiety disorder. I just hope that by realigning my expectations, I can still continue to enjoy him in my life, as well as my friendship with his wife and my kids' friendship with his son.

Please kick me in the e-pants whenever my blog posts merit it! The reminders to stick up for myself are always welcome, since so often I feel like I am the bad guy in these things.
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"This, too, is sacred."
I am my own primary.
Me: F, 30's, bi.
Sadist: my fwb. M, 30's.
Pandora: Sadist's gf. F, 30's.
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  #24  
Old 06-06-2012, 06:47 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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How much you wanna bet that if you have an additional lover, Marty will suddenly be more interested and passionate toward you? LOL - men!
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #25  
Old 06-06-2012, 06:51 PM
GreenMom GreenMom is offline
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Ha! I wouldn't be surprised... will have to see how that goes!

I dropped a random email to a man that I used to be in a gaming group with. The group itself ended kinda badly due to drama between my husband and another member, so I've mostly lost touch with my old gaming friends. I'm uncertain based off that if this guy will want anything to do with me, but I always did have a crush on him, so figured what was the harm in at least trying to rekindle the friendship?

I have one other man I have connected with via a dating/networking site, but I'm unclear on if he'd be okay dating a poly woman (he is single). I'm trying to make my focus just meeting new people and making new friends. If dating or relationships come from that, great, if not, well I can always use new friends. It's a win either way.
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"This, too, is sacred."
I am my own primary.
Me: F, 30's, bi.
Sadist: my fwb. M, 30's.
Pandora: Sadist's gf. F, 30's.
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  #26  
Old 06-13-2012, 01:33 AM
GreenMom GreenMom is offline
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So, tomorrow night I have a "date" with Marty. Quotation marks because we're getting our sons together to play while we watch a movie and Kitty does whatever she'd like to do (watch the movie with us, or her own thing). My son has been asking to see his son for a couple weeks now and I've been too busy to make it happen. My weekends are insane this month, which is a good thing. I'm going into tomorrow with the expectation I won't get to see much movie because of chasing my kid but maybe I'll be wrong.

Next week Monday I have a... pre-date? whatever you'd like to call initial face to face meeting with someone I've been emailing with on OKC. I don't have a clever nickname for him yet because its WAY too early to tell if I would need one. He's married too, no children, and lives locally which would be a nice change from the 45 mins drive each way I have with my current secondary.

I had a really bad night last night. Hubby and I were in the "mood" and had the kids in bed early and then I couldn't enjoy it at all. I kept wanting to do things I do when I am a top - and hubby has zero desire to be on the receiving end of any of those attentions. This of course all served to remind me that its been about six weeks since Marty and I got any time alone to do those things, and I'm not holding my breath that will change any time soon. Before Marty and I got together, I was used to surpressing those urges, so it wasn't too hard to do anymore. Now that i've been allowed to, with sporadic frequency, indulge that side of myself again, it's a lot harder to ignore.
__________________
"This, too, is sacred."
I am my own primary.
Me: F, 30's, bi.
Sadist: my fwb. M, 30's.
Pandora: Sadist's gf. F, 30's.
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  #27  
Old 06-15-2012, 02:53 PM
GreenMom GreenMom is offline
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I have very few boundries/guidelinese I have requested of my husband on our poly journey. I think they are pretty reasonable.

1. No dating/sex/etc with folks from our book club (it accounts for 90% of our socialization and I am afraid of drama)
2. Not to Top/Dom anyone else (conversely I don't submit/bottom to anyone else)
3. To communicate before we start something with someone new and keep each other in the loop
4. Safe sex practices

In March, we had a situation in which he asked my permission to violate the "no book club people" request. I grudgingly gave permission because I didn't feel like I had a right to say no. It went badly. They ended up not getting together, and it caused the drama I expected.

I found out last night that the women from book club he has said he is "good friends with" and "we flirt sometimes".... he has a WAY different definiton of "flirting" than I do.

For him, apparently, he has decided anything that isn't physical is flirting.
This includes, sexting, cybering on the computer, phone sex.
This includes long distance D/s and BDSM interactions where he is someone's long distance dom.
This includes not telling me he is even interested in these women - "we're just good friends, we aren't dating".

I feel hurt, betrayed, angry. I also feel like maybe I'm just really unfair in my expectations. But he agreed to honor my boundries so I feel that if he agreed, he should have adhered. I don't know what to think or feel. I don't know what to do.

I'm openly soliciting comments on this one - is that all "flirting"? Am I truly so old fashioned on how I define things? Am I completely unreasonable?
__________________
"This, too, is sacred."
I am my own primary.
Me: F, 30's, bi.
Sadist: my fwb. M, 30's.
Pandora: Sadist's gf. F, 30's.
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  #28  
Old 06-15-2012, 03:08 PM
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Phy Phy is offline
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I think you know pretty well what flirting is about and what not. And he does as well. Put your foot down and ask for clear discussions and a set of rules/guide lines/boundaries that are from his point of view unambiguous as well. I would call bullshit on this one if he claims that he didn't know what he was doing there or that he didn't know what those set of boundaries you agreed on would mean from your point of view.

Sorry that things are so rough right now for you.
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  #29  
Old 06-15-2012, 04:12 PM
Hannahfluke Hannahfluke is offline
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I agree with Phy, all of that goes way beyond flirting by ever definition that I've ever heard. I think you have ever right to be upset that he's been hiding all of this from you.
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  #30  
Old 06-15-2012, 04:42 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Phone sex = sex! (the brain is the biggest erogenous zone, after all)
Long distance domming = domming! (what the hell else would you call it???)

He has seriously broken his agreements here, and it's hard to believe that he doesn't see that, at least on some level.

Eric and Gia went through a similar thing in their first poly relationship. Gia asked for a hold on sex between Eric and their gf. Eric took this to mean anything short of PIV was ok, which he had every reason to know was not what she meant. Later, in another situation where she asked for no bdsm play, he somehow managed to convince himself that consensually choking a sexual partner was within the bounds of their agreement.

He had to admit that he had a problem, with selfishness, self-control, and with not behaving with empathy and respect towards his partner in the face of his desires. He's since done a lot of work and, now that he's regained her trust (which took a *while*), she's comfortable with him having sex with and topping others, as long as there's perfectly clear communication. Their relationship as a whole is actually much stronger.

It sounds to me like your husband had some similar work and growing to do.
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