Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1371  
Old 06-06-2012, 12:30 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 6,754
Default

RP, I'm sorry you are hurting and losing sleep, but I have to say that I think you are jumping the gun a bit in imagining this woman as your metamour. Hasn't Mono always insisted that he can't be anything other than monogamous? He has always said that if he were to be interested in someone else, it means that he's losing his connection to you. And he has also always said that if you expressed interest in taking on another lover, he would start losing his connection to you. Even though he was happy to see you happy with your latest dates (because he loves you!) and you were marveling at his compersion, it would seem that he knows himself pretty well and it is indeed your connection that needs to heal.

If I were you, instead of trying to figure out how to incorporate this woman into your life, work on rebuilding your connection with Mono. Be there for him in the way he needs you to be. Respecting his request for less talk and more time together is one way to do that. Obviously, he has felt that there was something inhibiting his connection to you and it started to fall away enough to start developing this intimacy and love for his female friend. I suspect it has something to do with giving him consideration and attention. Even though he is a loner, perhaps underneath watching you go through your break-up with Leo and your excitement over your new friends, he may have been thinking, "Well, what about me?" I don't know, only guessing here. Whether it will be possible to have more relationships down the road is something you and he will have to negotiate, and it is totally possible that the dynamic between you and Mono will be completely different than it was and be satisfying. But I think your focus should be on reconnecting, rather than on her and what she's all about.

((((((HUGS)))))
__________________
Hot chick in the city.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me.
~Bryan Ferry

Last edited by nycindie; 06-06-2012 at 12:32 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #1372  
Old 06-06-2012, 04:13 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 4,812
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
LR- you are a dear. Thanks for letting me text your face off and thanks for all your knowledge, I will heed what you say and just feel the emotions before making decisions.

am thinking now of just who it is who is struggling most in all this. ???
Sweetie-you are ALWAYS welcome to text or email my head off. As much time and support as you have put in on my behalf, it's a pleasure and privilege to be able to return a small amount to you!

In regards to that last sentence, in my humble opinion, it's ALWAYS the kids who struggling most in all of this. I know your little guy loves all three of you OH SO MUCH and I am sure, even without being privvy to all that is going on, due to just how amazingly bright and observant he is, that he's sensing the tension and high emotions right now.

So, I would advise taking a little time for each of you (mom, dad, Mono) to make a "date" one on one with him and the 4 of you as a family, in the next week or two. Nothing serious to discuss, just BE together so he can also sense that regardless of what's going on in the grown up world of emotions, his little world is still secure.

I say this with all due respect, it wouldn't occur to me that you all WOULDN'T consider him. I just keep thinking of him. In fact, I've been thinking of him ever since dinner! He's so amazing! I hope we have more dinners so I can hear more of his theories on life! What a kid! He OBVIOUSLY has an AMAZING family, cause he's just an amazing kid!
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #1373  
Old 06-06-2012, 04:22 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 4,812
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Sigh, I feel like this all comes out on him as I am so distant. Its not his fault, yet it must feel terrible when I say I am going to sleep on the couch.
Time to take a "just about you and me" hour.

Don't forget to take those "just about me" hours too.
Walk, jog, run, cry, yell, text, paint.

Hugs!
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #1374  
Old 06-06-2012, 06:13 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,632
Default

Thanks Ceil for the message first off.
Quote:
Originally Posted by newtoday View Post
He has told me quite often that he would understand if I changed my mind and decided to pursue others to find my own primary. Recognizing that, if that happened, as I am mono, things would most probably end with him. Hearing him encourage me like that hurt me, as to me, it meant that he was OK with my leaving. He confessed that he would actually be devastated if I let another man into my heart and into my bed. Yet he would feel like a hypocrite for not accepting it if I chose that path. He's shamed that he doesn't want me to have another while he has his SO at home. It's not that he doesn't believe in poly, he just knows that it's not a choice that I would make for myself. So he fears losing me. And his fears are reasonable.

I accept that about him and love him more for sharing his true feelings. And although I briefly thought about finding another at one time, I remain committed to him. I love him with all of my heart.
I would be devistated too and I feel hypocritical, however, I would live on and get over it. Things for me would likely change, but I will never stop loving Mono. He will always be in my life, just like my ex-wife is and others I love dearly still. I am not ready for that yet though and I don't feel as if our time as partners is over. Maybe if he were to have another love it wouldn't be over for us... There would be a change though.

Quote:
Originally Posted by newtoday View Post
When I read the prior threads about you adding more and more loves into your life, I couldn't help but wonder how Mono really felt about that. As a Secondary, our biggest wish is to have more time with the object of our affection. To have that parceled out even more between additional loves, could be a huge challenge. I recently attended a work/life balance seminar and one thought sticks in my head "For every thing you say YES to, you are saying NO to another. Choose what you say YES to, make sure your priorities are in line."

In poly, love may be infinite but time and ability to provide attention are not. We must stay keenly aware of that.

Maybe for Mono, every time you said YES to another love, he was hearing NO to him. And for fear of losing you and you reacting as you actually did, he was scared to tell you his thoughts. Or he thought, who the heck really cares. At times, I have been guilty of such thoughts. Why would my bf care if I found another? He has his SO at home. But when I told him that, it hurt him alot. He would care. He would be devestated. Another love doesn't replace one who has taken such a huge piece of your heart. If anything, it makes things worse for all involved.

In reality, insecurities and doubt are only kept at bay when all partners feel their needs are being met. When they are not, you are bound for trouble. As I'm sure you already know.

I wish you both all the best. I know that this will only make you and your relationship stronger in the end.
I asked Mono, after hearing from you, if he felt as if his time with me was not enough, if he felt that his needs weren't being met, if he would like to change something in order to make his life better with me in some way. He said that he in no way feels that he doesn't get enough time with me. We live together, all of us, under one roof for one thing. We see each other often. For another he is a loner and very independent, he has always prefer I ask if he would like to do something rather than assume he would come and do it like the rest of the house hold operates. He cuts the lawn on his own time, takes his garbage out on his own time, comes up and eats dinner with us on his own time and goes and does his own thing on his own time. If he wanted more time he could have it and I would give it too him. Its ofter me that asks him if I can see him these days. Well, until last week when this all came up anyway.

I think that really it was a matter of spending time with this woman as a friend and them finding that there was a mutual attraction and fondness beyond the friendship they began with. It just happened. Just like my meeting the man I am seeing. I never expected to find anyone that interesting and now I am finding that not only am I spending time with the friend I had and seeing if there is something more there, but spending time with the man I met to see if there is something worth working on there also. It just happened. As did Mono and the woman... so he says.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #1375  
Old 06-06-2012, 06:30 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,632
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
RP, I'm sorry you are hurting and losing sleep, but I have to say that I think you are jumping the gun a bit in imagining this woman as your metamour. Hasn't Mono always insisted that he can't be anything other than monogamous? He has always said that if he were to be interested in someone else, it means that he's losing his connection to you. And he has also always said that if you expressed interest in taking on another lover, he would start losing his connection to you. Even though he was happy to see you happy with your latest dates (because he loves you!) and you were marveling at his compersion, it would seem that he knows himself pretty well and it is indeed your connection that needs to heal.
It is our connection that needs healing. It is healing as a result of our working on this. I was jumping the gun on this woman being a metamour. I was hoping that if I put my head in the space of her being in his life that I could slowly scale back to feeling okay about his even going out for coffee with her! It seems to of worked a bit. I am definitely less anxious and hurt by the texting as a result... we shall see what time does.

He has always insisted that he will and is monogamous. He got very confused when he found himself bonding with another woman and still being in love with me. I can see how this would keep him from saying something too. I was hoping that, like when he needed to work through his family issues after his divorce, that he would come to me for that sort of thing also. I was hurt when he didn't.

He is insisting I see these other men now. I have told him I am not interested in seeing anyone and want to scale back to just us again, but he wants me to see it through and decide for my self. I have lost interest in anything that is going to any way rock the boat or add more stress and activity in my life at the moment, but as Mono seems to of really liked to see me so happy I am seeing if there is a chance that I could be happy again with all that was and is going on around me. I am not sure if its a good idea. I find it hard to trust that his pushing me out the door is for the reasons he says.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
If I were you, instead of trying to figure out how to incorporate this woman into your life, work on rebuilding your connection with Mono. Be there for him in the way he needs you to be. Respecting his request for less talk and more time together is one way to do that. Obviously, he has felt that there was something inhibiting his connection to you and it started to fall away enough to start developing this intimacy and love for his female friend. I suspect it has something to do with giving him consideration and attention. Even though he is a loner, perhaps underneath watching you go through your break-up with Leo and your excitement over your new friends, he may have been thinking, "Well, what about me?" I don't know, only guessing here. Whether it will be possible to have more relationships down the road is something you and he will have to negotiate, and it is totally possible that the dynamic between you and Mono will be completely different than it was and be satisfying. But I think your focus should be on reconnecting, rather than on her and what she's all about.
yes I agree. It should be about us re-connecting than about her... onward to doing that.

There are other factors that are inhibiting his connection... all of which I don't know if I am at liberty to mention so I best not. There is a lot of life change going on for him and I think part of it is that he has been in the habit of changing everything when he gets to points in his life like he is now. I think that perhaps this is part of that way he operates. He is trying hard to not just throw up his hands and leave. This was his past way of dealing with things. Things get tough, end everything and start again. I admire how hard he is working on this, I really do.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #1376  
Old 06-06-2012, 06:42 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,632
Default

Tonight Mono talked to PN about what has been going on for him. I noted that in hearing the story from both of them that the underlying theme at the moment is that everything has changed. I don't know if it has. I guess time will tell.

I know that one thing for sure is that I feel better that Mono talked to PN and I comforted PN and spent time with him in what he calls "loving presence." This has taken its toll on all of us and I intend to work harder to "normalise" things so that my family can enjoy more happy times; like Mono and PN did tonight in the back yard playing hacky sack for an hour while I putzed around in the garden and LB did his own thing.

I wonder if this time next week I will be trusting more... I hope so. I don't know how people just decide these things. I have been trying to find that place in my head so that I can feel it, think on it and then practice it like crazy. I haven't found my "letting it all go" button. I hope its not broken.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #1377  
Old 06-06-2012, 09:12 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 6,754
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
He has always insisted that he will and is monogamous. He got very confused when he found himself bonding with another woman and still being in love with me. I can see how this would keep him from saying something too. I was hoping that, like when he needed to work through his family issues after his divorce, that he would come to me for that sort of thing also. I was hurt when he didn't.

He is insisting I see these other men now. I have told him I am not interested in seeing anyone and want to scale back to just us again, but he wants me to see it through and decide for my self. I have lost interest in anything that is going to any way rock the boat or add more stress and activity in my life at the moment, but as Mono seems to of really liked to see me so happy I am seeing if there is a chance that I could be happy again with all that was and is going on around me. I am not sure if its a good idea. I find it hard to trust that his pushing me out the door is for the reasons he says.
Actually, along with healing your connection with him, I do agree with Mono that you also should go out and continue seeing these new guys. For a couple of reasons...

First, being social and developing relationships is very much a part of who you are. I don't think it will serve any practical use to put that part of you on hold.

Second, you need some lightness to balance out the tough stuff; let these new guys be something of an escape and comfort, even if you are distracted when you're with them at first. And they will probably appreciate having the chance to be there for you. I'm sure, you will eventually get present and enjoy some moments, which will be soothing.

Third, I know from my own life that when an issue arises with someone I love, they can find it really irritating if I want to constantly work on it. This is something that Mono is dealing with and, yes, it affects you all, obviously, but I personally really liked it when I read that he had asked for some time to just spend together and not be analyzing and discussing. So, he has reassured you that there wasn't anything you did to push him away; he simply spent a lot of time with someone else, was surprised by his own feelings, and feels like everything is different now. He knows now that you prefer that he come to you if the stuff he's going through is difficult, but it is still his process and up to him - and if you let him be, he will come to you, I'm sure.
__________________
Hot chick in the city.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me.
~Bryan Ferry

Last edited by nycindie; 06-06-2012 at 09:21 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #1378  
Old 06-06-2012, 02:33 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,632
Default

Okay nycindie, I agree with what you are saying and I will do as you say. I think you are right. I have a date night tonight with him and we are doing nothing but spending time together, reconnecting and enjoying each others company. Its just what we need I think.

Last night I sat and rubbed his back and listened to him talk about her. I asked questions and was interested to know more. I struggled a little, but was pleased he was opening up and talking freely. We can do this. We will make it.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #1379  
Old 06-06-2012, 02:47 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 6,754
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Okay nycindie, I agree with what you are saying and I will do as you say. I think you are right.
Well, please only do what feels right for you - I am suddenly feeling a bit on the spot because I'm only offering my viewpoint, and while I'm glad what I said sits right with you I'm not telling you what to do, hun! I shouldn't have said "you should..." Let me amend that sentence: I do agree with Mono that it would probably be very good for you to go out and continue seeing these new guys.

I think you've def gotten some good input from other people, too.

It does sound like you are both reconnecting in a good way. More hugs to you...
__________________
Hot chick in the city.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me.
~Bryan Ferry
Reply With Quote
  #1380  
Old 06-06-2012, 03:20 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,632
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Well, please only do what feels right for you - I am suddenly feeling a bit on the spot because I'm only offering my viewpoint, and while I'm glad what I said sits right with you I'm not telling you what to do, hun! I shouldn't have said "you should..." Let me amend that sentence: I do agree with Mono that it would probably be very good for you to go out and continue seeing these new guys.
Hahaha! no no, I am only agreeing. I had thought of all you said already and was working towards exactly what you said. Please don't feel on the spot. It was very grounding and validating to hear you say what I had been thinking and trying to accomplish is all.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
bdsm, boundaries, breaking up, casual sex, children, coming out, coming out to family, communication, family, foundations, kids, ldr, ldrs, mono poly, mono poly dating nature, mono/poly, moving in, negotiations, poly-fi, poly-fidelous, redpepper, rules, swinging, third partner, vee

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 05:11 PM.