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  #1  
Old 06-05-2012, 06:48 PM
browneyes browneyes is offline
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Unhappy i just need to vent :(

Open SF is this weekend.

I have known about it for months. I knew it was coming. I read things on the site, and informed myself to the things that will be going on.

I just can't stop thinking about it. Panic. Nervous. Insecure.

My boyfriend wants to go, and I want him to go too, but I am just still really really scared. Of what? Irrational things. Thinking he is going to have sex with 100 people, tell people he meets that he isn't in a relationship, not talk to me about what happened during the convention, or meeting some one who can replace me for a while. Mono/Poly.. I see it throughout these threads, and even wrote a previous thread about my own experience, its a fucking challenge.

I saw a lecture for Mono/Poly during the convention and recommended it to my BF. At the end of it's description it says to discuss the 'is this person even worth it' factor and that line alone makes my eyes well up. I have some things to go do this weekend that will hopefully distract me enough, but i know myself, and this will be dragging in my mind all weekend.

those feelings make me feel weak and dependent and uncharacteristic of me.

Thank you for reading if you did, I just really needed a place to write all my feelings down and feel entitled to have them. I am thinking I should be way more active in this message board because I need a support group of people who understand.

*inhale... exhale... *
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  #2  
Old 06-05-2012, 07:00 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Thanks for coming and sharing this. Based on my discussions with other monogamous folks faced with something similar, your fears are quite typical.

If your partner truly is poly, then you will find out afterwards that your fears were utterly unfounded.

Have you agreed on talking to each other during the weekend for you to get status updates and stuff? Or would you rather not hear until afterwards?

What you are going through right now is far from unusual. Hopefully it will be a small consolation to know that it eases over time.
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  #3  
Old 06-05-2012, 07:03 PM
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hyperskeptic hyperskeptic is offline
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Have you considered going to the conference yourself, even just part of it?

The unknown is likely to be much, much scarier than the known. You can think of it as a way of learning more about your bf and where he's coming from.

I don't know the Open SF conference, myself, but a look at the website suggest its much more about talking and learning than about hooking up.

As for the session that makes your eyes well up, the description doesn't seem so very scary:

Quote:
The workshop welcomes 1) people who are willing to share their personal experiences, either successful or not, in navigating the challenges of connecting with people who do or did not share their desire for an open relationship, and 2) people who have questions about how these relationships can be approached or wonder whether they are worth the trouble.
This suggests, to me at least, that the session will be a forum for discovering how mono/poly relationships can succeed; the answer to whether "these relationships" (not, I hasten to point out people) are "worth the trouble" could well be "yes!" Otherwise, why would they have the session at all?

If you were to attend that session, and were willing to speak up, you could contribute your own experience - and your insecurities about Open SF! - to the conversation. That might be very useful to the other participants.
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Last edited by hyperskeptic; 06-05-2012 at 07:09 PM.
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  #4  
Old 06-05-2012, 07:07 PM
browneyes browneyes is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
Thanks for coming and sharing this. Based on my discussions with other monogamous folks faced with something similar, your fears are quite typical.

If your partner truly is poly, then you will find out afterwards that your fears were utterly unfounded.

Have you agreed on talking to each other during the weekend for you to get status updates and stuff? Or would you rather not hear until afterwards?

What you are going through right now is far from unusual. Hopefully it will be a small consolation to know that it eases over time.
thank you. we have planed to discuss everything, and in general have great communication within our relationship. Waiting to hear is always more painful, i like to know whats going on. I think i am seeing this convention as a giant step as opposed to the baby ones we have been taking, and its a little more challenging to muster up the courage and confidence this time around.
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  #5  
Old 06-05-2012, 07:15 PM
browneyes browneyes is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hyperskeptic View Post
Have you considered going to the conference yourself, even just part of it?

The unknown is likely to be much, much scarier than the known. You can think of it as a way of learning more about your bf and where he's coming from.

I don't know the Open SF conference, myself, but a look at the website suggest its much more about talking and learning than about hooking up.

As for the session that makes your eyes well up, the description doesn't seem so very scary:



This suggests, to me at least, that the session will be a forum for discovering how mono/poly relationships can succeed; the answer to whether "these relationships" (not, I hasten to point out people) are "worth the trouble" could well be "yes!" Otherwise, why would they have the session at all?

If you were to attend that session, and were willing to speak up, you could contribute your own experience - and your insecurities about Open SF! - to the conversation. That might be very useful to the other participants.
I was under the impression that this was something he wanted to do for himself since he is also so new to this, and then he would share his experiences with me over the weekend as it went on.

You're right, its not so scary, and reading your comment has sort of put my insecurities in perspective as they 'see what they want to see'.
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  #6  
Old 06-05-2012, 07:24 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by browneyes View Post
I was under the impression that this was something he wanted to do for himself since he is also so new to this, and then he would share his experiences with me over the weekend as it went on.
It might be worth asking whether this impression is accurate.

If he's really set on doing this by himself, then maybe it would be best to give him his space.

But maybe he's just assuming you're not interested, since you're not poly.

It seems to me it would be good to make these impressions and assumptions explicit, and to get into specifics about what he wants from the conference.

Maybe he wants to be free to explore it for himself, but would be okay with the two of you attending a couple of sessions together. Maybe you could attend some sessions on your own.

Or maybe not.
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  #7  
Old 06-05-2012, 09:26 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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I agree - don't assume.

You both going might be a great experience for the both of you, and allow him to feel that you really do support him in his journey of discovery.
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  #8  
Old 06-06-2012, 12:36 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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When reading the first post, I had the same thoughts. I ended up thinking that maybe the things you had to do were the reason you couldn't attend, and was going to comment that it was a shame, since a convention on poly isn't quite the same if you can't go with your partners!

But it seems it's a different issue. Well polyamory is part of your life even if you are mono, because he isn't, so if you want to go to the convention, you shouldn't be shunned out of it. Even if he wants to attend on his own, you could always go to different panels or not sit next to each other.

I too believe the description meant that it was going to explain to people why the relationships were worth the trouble, and that it was why they wanted to talk to people who didn't already know why they were worth the trouble. I'm pretty sure they expect people in mono/poly relationships to show up, and I can't see them telling half the people to dump the other half.

I do agree that you should talk with him, ask if he wants to go on his own or not, and voice your concerns, saying you understand that they are not likely to happen but you can't help yourself from feeling that way. Hopefully he'll be able to address it, and if he isn't, hopefully after going to the convention he will know better!
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  #9  
Old 06-06-2012, 08:23 PM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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Don't forget, the question "Is this person even worth it?" is a question you can ask yourself, too.

If you don't want to be in a relationship with a poly person, you don't have to be. You can leave him and eventually find a mono person who might be more compatible with you.

If you truly feel you can't trust your partner not to sleep with 100 people while pretending you don't exist, it's certainly not worth being with him.

However, it sounds more like these are your own irrational fears. You know he's not going to sleep with 100 people.

You also know he's not going to tell people he's not in a relationship. What would be the point of that? He's going to a convention EXPRESSLY so he can tell people that he's in a committed relationship AND that he wants to date other people. (Since that's not something you can say out in the "real world.")

I think it's a good idea if you go to the convention as well, so you can see what it's like, maybe meet some poly people and see that they are not awful people.
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