Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1351  
Old 06-04-2012, 03:55 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,378
Default

Well, as I understand, you had an agreement and he didn't hold to it, and if he had told you about it when it first happened you would have walked through it together. So the problem isn't the concept of him being with someone else but the idea that he went behind your back, and the breach of trust. Maybe if you explain it that way more people would understand.
Reply With Quote
  #1352  
Old 06-04-2012, 04:18 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,278
Default

Sorry to learn you 2 hit a rough patch.

Could this be the result of these hard ideological positions. Mono vs Poly. He's stated numerous times in very clever way his adamant belief in his own monogamy and what that meant. And you think, breath, sleep ...(especially sleep ) poly...and identify as part of your being.


What is soft cheating ?

He is one of many ....3-5 if I do the math right. All equal in love but those are the numbers ...right. Are you concerned you will get less love from him ? ...less time? or both ?

Your second paragraph... are you trying to project outcomes from each ideological position? You could see yourself doing that but for different reasons . What reasons?

Last edited by dingedheart; 06-04-2012 at 06:10 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #1353  
Old 06-04-2012, 05:19 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,636
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
So the problem isn't the concept of him being with someone else but the idea that he went behind your back, and the breach of trust. Maybe if you explain it that way more people would understand.
Exactly, and yes, I have asked him to tell anyone who asks that this is my issue. Would I prefer she wasn't around at all? Well hell ya! I loved my mono bf being all mine. Stupid huh? I feel like an idiot for falling for that bullshit. A victim of our cultural programming. Embarrassing. I feel stupid and embarrassed.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #1354  
Old 06-04-2012, 05:41 PM
SNeacail's Avatar
SNeacail SNeacail is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Near Disneyland
Posts: 1,612
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
He kept it from me, thought he could deal with it himself, thought he would get over her or it would just be hidden and I wouldn't notice.
My husband does this a lot and is part of what was destroying our marriage. They actually believe (deep down) that they can and should deal with it by themselves and then it will all be back to normal and they won't have to burden us with their struggles. **Bang head against wall**, that's exactly what we are there for, so they don't have to struggle alone.

Quote:
Thing is I did and asked about it over and over... and he said nothing.
Yeah, I get this too .

Quote:
Originally Posted by Arrowbound View Post
You should just suck it up and not address how it came about?

Oh please. That's ridiculous and not beneficial to anyone, not even Mono.
THIS!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
Well, as I understand, you had an agreement and he didn't hold to it, and if he had told you about it when it first happened you would have walked through it together. So the problem isn't the concept of him being with someone else but the idea that he went behind your back, and the breach of trust.
COMPLETELY AGREE!

Even when I was in a completely mono mindset, I never cared if my husband had 5+ lady friends he liked to talk to and go to lunch with, he's always had lots of lady friends. However, it was a problem, when he would lie about it.

ME: "Who did you go to lunch with?"
Him: "Joe"

Then a few days later I would find out that it was Joe and Susan. I would end up in tears, because, if he was hiding and lying about simple mundane things, what else was he lying about, what else was going on with Susan, etc. Still trying to get that concept through my husbands thick head. He has spent so many years of doing it, that it has become automatic and breaking bad habits is a pain in the ass.

Hugs and Good Luck!
Reply With Quote
  #1355  
Old 06-04-2012, 05:58 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,636
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Sorry to learn you 2 hit a rough patch.

Could this be the result of these hard ideological positions. Mono vs Poly. He's stated numerous times in very clever way his adamant believe in his own monogamy and what that meant. And you think, breath, sleep ...(especially sleep ) poly...and identify as part of your being.


What is soft cheating ?

He is one of many ....3-5 if I do the math right. All equal in love but those are the numbers ...right. Are you concerned you will get less love from him ? ...less time? or both ?

Your second paragraph... are you trying to project outcomes from each ideological position? You could see yourself doing that but for different reasons . What reasons?
Hopefully my response to Tonberry helps answer your questions Dinged. Seems I'm not so poly minded after all. I should never of thought I could trust that he would not ever fall for someone else. He is not the type to get attach to others in thew way I do and I trusted that.

I have been around him for three plus years now and see how much of a loner he is, how independent. What we have was working, he got his independence and love as well. I got my family, busy life with friends, socializing, many loves and him, my rock solid love that was devoted to me. I relied on that for my grounding and anchor to home, comfort and letting myself go entirely after being out in the world. It felt like monogamy to me. PN is that to me as well but in a different way. In a poly way.

This is about us, not about our ideologies in poly and mono. He has caused me to doubt all I know about what we had. It was deception and a breaking of trust. Its cheating, softer in that they never expressed their feelings until I knew and they never got closer than loving looks with each other over a coffee table. As far as I know. I don't know what to think any more.

Hope that makes sense.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #1356  
Old 06-04-2012, 06:46 PM
Phy's Avatar
Phy Phy is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
Posts: 604
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Seems I'm not so poly minded after all. I should never of thought I could trust that he would not ever fall for someone else. He is not the type to get attach to others in thew way I do and I trusted that.

I have been around him for three plus years now and see how much of a loner he is, how independent. [...] and him, my rock solid love that was devoted to me. I relied on that for my grounding and anchor to home, comfort and letting myself go entirely after being out in the world. It felt like monogamy to me. PN is that to me as well but in a different way. In a poly way.

[...] He has caused me to doubt all I know about what we had. It was deception and a breaking of trust. Its cheating[...]

Hope that makes sense.
It does make perfect sense to me. I don't know how to describe it, but I thought about Lin the whole time I was reading what happened. I would feel exactly the same if this would ever happen to us. Maybe the shock would be so great because I never expect him to behave like that. It isn't what my concept of him looks like. I would be surprised if it happened to Sward (aside from the cheating matter) but I kind of suspect him to be/become like that. In the case of Lin, I would always regard him falling in love again or developing an outside interest, as a threat, because he is supposed to leave me as soon as something like this comes around. Because I always think of him as 'strictly mono'.

And of course is this something that hurts. Totally unrelated to how many people/lovers are in your life. And of course this is a breach of trust. How couldn't it be? I am sorry for the lack of communication and ability to minimize this damage. And I hope that you will be able to find a way of communication that makes the words you speak to each other sound reliable and true again.

Maybe it was some kind of double standard to emphasize and regard his love as something special and more solid than the other ones. But I can certainly understand that feeling, as right now, I have two of those who love 'me, and only me alone'. I felt the pressure and the promise of this kind relationship. And I started to distance myself from the cliché of the 'monogamous love' I had in mind for some time. One is temped to regard the love of a person loving one alone as something different (obviously) and more special (assumption). But the moment I turned to my own feelings, I knew that this was just not true. How could I degrade them like that?

As far as I see it, if it is 'only' about him falling in love multiple times, you will be ok. You have to alter your picture of his mono-self a bit and find a way to deal with his inability to handle it better. If this is about him swaying between two women because he feels too disconnected to stay with one permanently ... you will have some rough times in repairing your relationship and trying to 'save' it. I hope things work out, sorry that you are in this place right now.
__________________
Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.

My Blog
Reply With Quote
  #1357  
Old 06-04-2012, 07:00 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,378
Default

I understand the feeling that you lost something, too. I have experienced the "I said I was mono and wouldn't want anyone else but I've met someone" and I felt like I lost something, even though I'm not mono myself, I guess it struck my ego that even with permission he wouldn't get with someone else.
However, nothing happened behind my back so it was easier to get over. The fact that some things happened without your knowledge is something you need to process, and so any other disappointment becomes worse for it, I would assume.
Reply With Quote
  #1358  
Old 06-04-2012, 07:06 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,278
Default

I guess what meant with the idea of a clash in hard ideologies is no one wants to be a hypocrite and neither of you would want to admit those shifts ....although you just did And with each of these hard positions assumptions and possible projections got made.

Actually your response to Tonberry reflects that poly hardline falling for the bullshit ...victim to cultural programming.

I understand the trust issue but how much different is this from bending/breaking a boundary you had set with PN or mono in regards to Leo or someone else. With all the lectures, events, forum talk , etc, etc could you frame it as you finally got through....He might finally get it on with life. Couldn't this be a moment to celebrate once the sting is gone.


Have you 2 thought about counseling ? Its recommended here all the time but because of your position here people might not think of that.... and you might not have thought of it.
Reply With Quote
  #1359  
Old 06-04-2012, 07:36 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,636
Default

Thanks for all the support. All of you. It really helps.

Dinged, you crack me up! I guess my addressing the "victim of cultural programming" is a poly thing really.

It could be a moment to celebrate Dinged, you are right. We have made some progress and come further than ever so far... its still raw, and I still don't know where the cards will fall, but one thing for sure is that we are not done with this relationship commitment we made. We are going to figure it out.

Counseling might be an idea if we weren't getting anywhere, but we are doing awesome at that. So much so that Mono wishes I would slow down.... heh. I love this shit... relationships dynamics and communication are my passion... I'm such a geek. Poor guy, he might just of tried to hide it so he wouldn't get my tidal wave of process process processssss. Ha! Too late, it is his punishment now. lol
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #1360  
Old 06-05-2012, 02:35 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,346
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
... it was emotional cheating that lead him to forget everything he knows about open honest communication, integrity and empathy... Everything I value and thought he did too. He choose to shut down rather than talk to me.
Ouch. I wish I had read this before I flew home, I would have paid the fee to come back over on the ferry to give all of you a hug. I know it wouldn't fix anything, but I just wish I could have given you a REAL hug and knowing I was SO CLOSE! Sigh.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
bdsm, boundaries, breaking up, casual sex, children, coming out, coming out to family, communication, family, foundations, kids, ldr, ldrs, mono poly, mono poly dating nature, mono/poly, moving in, negotiations, poly-fi, poly-fidelous, redpepper, rules, swinging, third partner, vee

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 12:34 AM.