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  #1341  
Old 06-01-2012, 10:01 PM
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Hugs!
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  #1342  
Old 06-01-2012, 10:36 PM
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Right now I need a good sleep. I haven't slept and neither has he. Talking and laying there quietly awake all night. Over come with emotion.
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  #1343  
Old 06-01-2012, 10:53 PM
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You've got my sympathies, and I hope you get through these tough times. Good luck with everything.
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  #1344  
Old 06-01-2012, 11:06 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Right now I need a good sleep. I haven't slept and neither has he. Talking and laying there quietly awake all night. Over come with emotion.
Understandable. I don't know if it would help, but you might try sleeping someplace new, like the living room couch or such. When I can't make my brain shut down, it sometimes helps to just sleep on the couch with the tv on or something. I had to do this for 3 days (until we saw a counselor) when I found out my husband was cheating on me again. I would go into anxiety attacks to be in our bed. Letting the tv run in the back ground can sometimes distract your mind enough to let it relax and let you fall asleep, with out re-hashing the pain over and over again. Good Luck!
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  #1345  
Old 06-01-2012, 11:43 PM
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Thank you for your thoughts and advice.
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  #1346  
Old 06-02-2012, 04:55 AM
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*hugs*

I'm sorry y'all had to come to those realizations in that way. Sending positive thoughts for the processing and negotiating up ahead. There is still love there, which is awesome.
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  #1347  
Old 06-02-2012, 06:35 PM
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Well, I'm in it. No sleep, putting my mind to that place of imagining them together and what transpired that they got to this place. Wondering what the hell he sees in her. Feeling the loss of something I was finally understanding and relying on to be my future (everything that comes with a monogamous partner).

The world is not ending, but changing. I went from understanding that my boyfriend was attached only to me and only wanted to be close to me to attempting to understand that he is now pinning for a woman that he has decided he should not see right now because I will be upset. When he talks about it there is sadness in his eyes that I can't help thinking is that he is not able to see her and swoon over her. He says that it isn't and that he is sad because he has hurt me and dragged her into something she didn't sign up for, but I struggle with believing anything he says now.

The precious feeling I had for three and a half years of unique specialness is gone I think. My man has turned his head and heart from me and has doubted what we have. He's gone to that place of believing he could have other opportunities elsewhere that don't involve me. Why is that so hard for me to swallow? I think there are just some people that come into life that are meant to hold a spot of crazy attachment that keeps us from feeling alone. Mono was it for me. Now I just feel hollow and alone. I hope eventually I will feel grounded in that at least so that I can feel okay about him seeing others he is attached to.

His thoughts on this might follow one day. He has a whole other take on this than me. A whole other side that I don't understand. I have lost a lot of sleep trying to understand and put my brain into how he sees things. I am so not like him in terms of love style and relationship satisfaction. He is fine with going out for coffee with her now and then, being a friend and removing himself from creating anything more in his mind about what they could have. I find it hard to understand that he won't go through something similar to me and Leo. I feel like he is making a compromise now as I did with Leo being in my life. He says that isn't the case, but its hard for me to understand.

The texting has stopped for a bit, but I suspect he was addicted to hearing from her. I suspect she is hurting over not hearing from him also. He texted her a lot. I didn't ask for them to stop, but did ask to know when she texted and what was going on. That put an end to texting at all and now I wonder just what it was they were texting that he doesn't feel comfortable sharing. Gaud the brain plays tricks! Its not my business, yet I obsess over those sort of things! It is likely nothing that big even!

I am trying to put myself in everyones shoes and feel what they might be feeling. Trying to go from there with accomplishing some sort of understanding and stability again. I talked with PN about it and he reminded me that I went through this same thing with his past girlfriends. I remember, I wasn't stellar at this then, so I aim to be better this time and take what I have learned. PN had some judgment over me being in this situation also. After all he has felt as I do now about new people coming into my life. We all go through this stuff. We are all human and we all go through the same feelings, just at different times in life.

Derby has been a great support. I feel like our relationship is based on her supporting me this last 6 months. It doesn't seem fair to me or balanced. I do hope that I get the chance to support her and that she feels supported by me sometimes. I have been staying away a bit so as to not overwhelm her with this. I think I was pretty overwhelming with my break up with Leo. Look where it got me.... a boyfriend that went elsewhere to find what he needed... (actually Mono doesn't see it like that and says it just happened, he was detached from me and it just happened... thing is that he detached because of me going through a break up ).

I am seeing my new friend in an hour. He will be a breath of fresh air I think. I soooo need that. We are going to talk about guinea pig hutches, drink coffee and catch up. A diversion that is well needed and appreciated.

I met my other new friends wife last night. He invited me out to coffee after their date night ended. We had a long deep chat about kids, relationships, philosophies of life and values. It seems we got on well! I was completely not present through the whole thing due to my home life, so I am glad that I came across okay. Next time I hope to be a little more present and feel the moment.
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Last edited by redpepper; 06-05-2012 at 02:21 AM.
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  #1348  
Old 06-04-2012, 06:21 AM
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It was a weekend of processing, processing, processing... four days to catch up on three months. We are learning lots, but Mono and I and are going to be okay. Things are not changed as much as I first thought, although my trust has been thrown to the wall.

Now I am working on her appearing in his life in different ways that I didn't realize before. The texting has died down but that is my hurdle right now. In this moment, There is one every moment though.

Oh ya, and I am dealing with people telling me I'm hypocritical and that I have lots of loves, so I should just suck it up. Thing is though that I was promised his monogamy to me from day one and he cheated on me for three months. Soft cheated, but cheated none-the-less. He kept it from me, thought he could deal with it himself, thought he would get over her or it would just be hidden and I wouldn't notice. Thing is I did and asked about it over and over... and he said nothing.
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Last edited by redpepper; 06-05-2012 at 02:27 AM.
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  #1349  
Old 06-04-2012, 08:00 AM
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You should just suck it up and not address how it came about?

Oh please. That's ridiculous and not beneficial to anyone, not even Mono.
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  #1350  
Old 06-04-2012, 02:54 PM
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Thanks Arrowbound, its people who are not poly that think that way. They don't understand. The woman in question is confused by my reaction also. She doesn't relate to what I am feeling I don't think and carries on as if Mono is just one of many to me. I know she just doesn't understand but to me it makes me feel like people think he is dispensible to me. He is far from it. I intend to fight for what we have and make this a learning curve.

In the mono world it would be a matter or telling him to cut her out entirely or him leaving me for her. I am not suggesting either, but working through it so they can be together in whatever way they want. I can see, that in me doing that, it would be expected some how, but for different reasons. I have other partners after all so I should stop whining and let him do what he wants. Off course its completely not like that, but how does someone explain that to people. I hope this made sense, lol.
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Last edited by redpepper; 06-04-2012 at 03:13 PM.
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