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Old 02-12-2012, 02:52 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I think that we make a mistake any time we look at our own experiences and try to generalize out to humanity. One person could say "I can't get over my jealousy no matter what I try, so jealousy is innate and happy polys are just fooling themselves." Another person could say "I got over my jealousy with a little trying, so jealousy is just a construct and monos just aren't trying hard enough." [note that I'm not saying you're saying that exactly, OP, but some people do take it that far]

Both would be wrong, I think, because they're assuming that their experience can act as a stand in for that of the human race. Certainly we can learn lessons from our own lives that can help some others, maybe even many others, but rarely if ever ALL others. In this case, for example, I would say from my reading and observations that jealousy is real and natural maybe impossible to let go of for some, non-existent or easy to let go of for others, and most are in the middle of those two extremes... they feel it as a real thing that does exist but can let out go with some time and work.
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.

Last edited by AnnabelMore; 02-12-2012 at 02:59 PM.
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Old 02-12-2012, 02:54 PM
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neegoola neegoola is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Competing for a mother's milk isn't exactly the same as being jealous.

Jealousy is quite possibly something else that is observed and imitated.
i agree here: when my she-baby was 2months old, she caught me while stupidly saying to my son who was 3 "hey, let her do that, she's so young": the little GIRL looked at me -not in the way you expect new-born babies doing- and considered that concept very carefully. it took me one year to demolish this "concept" while my son became very jealous.

paradoxally, when their father married another woman (no, no poly-form, we split) and the couple received their first kid, my daughter realized she was no more the youngest -ot at least not so young- and completely left that attitude.
but for my son: he had Bach Flower Holly for a very long periodical time (read: everytime his father received his 3 new-born ones) and it seems to me he healed this.
"as long a i live, i vow to die and be reborn, die and be reborn, die and be reborn, over and over again, forever reinventing myself" r.brezsny
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Old 02-12-2012, 04:31 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Recipe for Jealousy :

1 part nature,
1 part nurture.
Combine in a bowl, mixing at slow speed. Bake at 350 until a firm crust is visible on the outside.

Very simple recipe.

I tend to stay away from theories that involve lop-sided view points, or unexperienced parenthood. Surprise, people are complex. It takes most people a lot of self-work to get to a place where life feels simple and enjoyable.
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Old 04-21-2012, 07:39 PM
Letitbe Letitbe is offline
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Default Books about jealousy

Can anyone recommend a good book about coping with/getting over jealousy?
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Old 04-21-2012, 08:30 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Have you checked the Book Recommendations sticky? If there aren't any recommendations in that thread for books about jealousy, I suggest Loving Each Other by Leo Buscaglia. It was written a while ago, but he was brilliant about love and relationships. You can read a little bit of his chapter on jealousy if you search for the word using Amazon's "search inside" feature.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.
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Old 06-01-2012, 09:18 PM
Fiona Fiona is offline
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Back again! Heh.

Recently, my boyfriend has started seeing someone else. I'm surprised at how hard I'm taking this; it's what I signed up for, yes? I'm fine with my husband spending time with his girlfriend. But this just feels...different, somehow. Boyfriend hasn't really been seeing anyone regularly in the time we've been together, and it just feels very sudden and a bit scary.

I also just felt that we had reached a place in our relationship where we love and trust each other very, very much...it'd been sort of giddy and delightful, something I don't think we allowed ourselves to feel at the beginning of our relationship. And now it feels like he'll be having that NRE-type stuff with someone else instead.

We've talked a lot about this, and some of it has been difficult. He is very protective of his autonomy, and I don't want to infringe upon that but am having a hard time dealing with my fears of abandonment and unimportance. There were issues in our relationship, early on, that only exacerbated this (and occasionally still, though much less often.)

All last week, I was literally sick to my stomach with anxiety about all of this. We did spend some time together before he left on a trip, and that went a long way toward reassuring me, but I'm still feeling a bit lost and unsettled. And comparing myself to his new friend (STOP IT, I know!) Gah. I think time will probably be the best thing for it, but advice, etc., are welcome.
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Old 06-02-2012, 09:53 PM
Fiona Fiona is offline
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One more thing that has just occurred to me: we've had issues with him bringing up other people in what are very physically and emotionally vulnerable moments (for instance, cuddling after sex.) We've talked about it before, and I thought he understood that it was an important boundary, but he did this recently, talking about the new person he's seeing and wondering if she had found it awkward when we met. Needless to say, I didn't take this well. I'm not asking him to never mention others, just not in these private and vulnerable moments. I don't think this is unreasonable, and I don't know what to do if he can't or won't respect this.

Last edited by Fiona; 06-02-2012 at 09:55 PM.
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Old 06-02-2012, 10:22 PM
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nouryia nouryia is offline
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Fiona, I hear what you're saying about not wanting all the NRE to go to his newest relationship. NRE is a great high and I still enjoy a lot of it with my b/f. But fact of the matter is, NRE doesn't last forever. At some point your relationship will transition to the more settled kind, with or without him dating someone new...just hold on, the love will still be there

And I totally understand that it is hard to adjust to your b/f dating when it's something he's hardly ever done since you've been together. Change is never an easy thing; it may take you a bit of time to adapt and that's okay. I think if he truly loves you he'll be happy to reassure you when needed and give you the time you need to accept his new relationship. Does he still give you the attention you need and deserve? Or have things changed to much too fast?

I'm sure him mentioning the new person during your 'special time' was probably just an oversight. He's probably not trying to hurt you...but sometimes guys can be oblivious. Next time, when he starts talking about the new lover, just gently shush him and remind him with a smile that you'd rather talk about something else NOW and her, later.
I tried being reasonable. I didn't like it. ~Clint Eastwood~
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Old 06-07-2012, 02:50 AM
Fiona Fiona is offline
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Nouryia, thank you for your kind and thoughtful reply. Things have been moving pretty quickly, which is unsettling...but we've talked a lot recently, and he's been reassuring, which is very good. I think I just need time to get used to the idea. I asked my husband if I was like this when he started dating his current girlfriend, and he said yes. I just think I need to work on the way I handle change.

As for the mentioning of the new person in an intimate moment...gah. That stung. And I've made it clear to him before that it makes me uncomfortable. But I'll try your suggestion - thanks!
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Old 07-11-2012, 04:38 PM
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StarTeddy StarTeddy is offline
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Default What triggers jealousy for you?

Although poly people probably experience less jealousy (or deal with it more effectively) than mono people, jealousy is still very real for many poly people. It's probably different from mono jealousy though; I know it is for me.

When trying to explain the way I get jealous to mono friends, I like to use what I call the cake analogy. In the analogy, "couple behavior" with someone (in a relationship or otherwise) is symbolized by a cake. If I'm interested in that person, it's an amazingly delicious chocolate fudge cake. If I have a slice of cake, and I'm happy with the size of my slice, I don't have any problem sharing the rest of the cake with other people. However, if I'm not allowed to have any delicious cake and there's someone eating some in front of me going "this cake is amazing", I get angry and jealous.

I wonder this type of jealousy is common among poly people or not.

What kind of situations trigger jealousy in you? How do you deal with it when it does happen?
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communication, compassion, compersion, emotions, envy, feelings, jealous, jealousy, monogamy, poly, polyamory, possessiveness, relationship dynamics, relationship structures, relationships, respect, self esteem, unconscious

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