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  #11  
Old 06-02-2012, 06:10 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
This really isn't sounding very healthy for you - a lot of the way you word things sound like you are sort of feeling like you have no choice and they are trying to make you do things that you aren't completely comfortable doing, in the interests of staying together - am I reading this wrongly, or are you sort of feeling this way?
I do feel like it was decided for me and as much as I love them all. I have my bf of nine years and our children and now it feels like they are trying to get in, they see my children as well and we have days out, I just want time just for us but my bf invites j and b to everything.

sometimes I want to hang out as friends but j and my bf make me feel uncomfortable by talking sexually or touching her or she touches him. I am so unhappy but I don't know how to get pass it, my bf says if we can make it work it can be amazing but I feel like with the lies and hurt they have caused they don't deserve to see each other
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  #12  
Old 06-02-2012, 02:55 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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I agree with CDM - this does not sound like a healthy relationship for you at all.

There are a great number of red flags here:

Quote:
Originally Posted by jones
my bf says its in the past and I need to get over and I need to forgive him and forget about it. the girl says I need to be happy etc but she knows that I am uncomfortable with her doing certain things but she doesn't stop
Two people who allegedly care about you are basically dismissing your fears and misgivings. Per your posts, you have been repeatedly lied to and fear that if you put the brakes on that they will go behind your back and lie to you some more. Your fears and misgivings are VALID - and need to be addressed, not dismissed.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jones
my bf doesn't want anymore children but she risked getting pregnant with his child, they didn't use a condom and she had to take the pill and didn't tell her bf in order to protect her relationship with my bf and now her bf thinks she miscarried
Whoa! If your boyfriend doesn't want anymore children, it is HIS responsibility as much as hers to take steps to avoid this. Decisions about birth control and condom use for STI prevention affect ALL FOUR of you. By risking an STD by having unprotected sex with her he has made a vital decision to risk your health without the consent of the other people affected (you, her boyfriend, any other sexual partners that you all have). And she LIES to her bf about taking the morning after pill to cover this up? Sounds like their relationship is on troubled grounds as well.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jones
I don't want to see her or have joint sessions where I have to watch them have sex
Quote:
Originally Posted by jones
sometimes I want to hang out as friends but j and my bf make me feel uncomfortable by talking sexually or touching her or she touches him
You should never (really...NEVER) have to feel pressured into participating in or "having" to witness sexual activity that you don't want...EVER.

Some people are quite comfortable seeing their partners touching and flirting with their other partners - other people have boundaries and temporary rules based on what they are comfortable with at that point in their relationships.

It is often said here that people should try to "go at the pace of the slowest person". It sounds like you are trying to come to a place of comfort (you are here asking how to do just that) but they they are running rough-shod over your and her boyfriend's feelings without consideration. Yes, NRE, can make people do some pretty insensitive things BUT the response, when confronted, should be apologies and a desire to take things at a slower pace while comfort and trust forms - NOT telling the person who is suffering to "get over it". Jeesh!

Quote:
Originally Posted by jones
(a string of things from different posts) I told my bf that I loved them and I was scared about telling them, I told the girl two days after my bf told her (but I didn't know at the time) and told the guy a few days later...its so hard because I love her too but sometimes I hate her...it s so hard cos I love them all.... I do feel like it was decided for me and as much as I love them all. I have my bf of nine years and our children and now it feels like they are trying to get in, they see my children as well and we have days out, I just want time just for us but my bf invites j and b to everything
Quote:
Originally Posted by jones
we talked about it but I don't want a ploy relationship as such, whenever we talk about days out, he invites them or holidays, he says he wants them to come, it feels like we have lost our small family unit... we have been together nearly ten years but he compares them in the same light as me and I wish I was more important
Actually, it sounds like you may want a poly relationship - you talk about your love for all of them. However, your bf's version of poly seems to be to ignore your concerns and invite her and her boyfriend right into the middle of your family over your objections. There are many ways to "do poly" (read these boards for the infinite varieties). Some people have multiple relationships that are largely independent other than the other partners knowing about each other, others do have fully integrated extended chosen families with everyone being on the same level and with everyone's consent and full approval.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jones
my bf says if we can make it work it can be amazing
It CAN be amazing - BUT "making it work" takes a lot of, well, WORK. And that doesn't mean just telling you to essentially "suck it up". It means listening to everyone and coming to agreements/arrangements that everyone is on board with. Communicating. Working at the pace of the person who is struggling the most. It doesn't mean that he gets to, dictatorially, just decide how the relationships are going to work and then tell everyone else to march to his drum.

Sounds like he would benefit from doing some reading here on "foundations" and "boundaries".
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Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 06-02-2012 at 02:58 PM.
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  #13  
Old 06-02-2012, 08:40 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
I agree with CDM - this does not sound like a healthy relationship for you at all.

There are a great number of red flags here:



Two people who allegedly care about you are basically dismissing your fears and misgivings. Per your posts, you have been repeatedly lied to and fear that if you put the brakes on that they will go behind your back and lie to you some more. Your fears and misgivings are VALID - and need to be addressed, not dismissed.



Whoa! If your boyfriend doesn't want anymore children, it is HIS responsibility as much as hers to take steps to avoid this. Decisions about birth control and condom use for STI prevention affect ALL FOUR of you. By risking an STD by having unprotected sex with her he has made a vital decision to risk your health without the consent of the other people affected (you, her boyfriend, any other sexual partners that you all have). And she LIES to her bf about taking the morning after pill to cover this up? Sounds like their relationship is on troubled grounds as well.

[COLOR="rgb(255, 0, 255)"]yes I made this point, I also made the point that if she did get pregnant what would she say to her bf, more lies? her and her bf fight a lot, they have their own rules and she doesn't respect them including not using a condom and having sex in certain places in their house, she doesn't tell him so when I talk about it as I think he knows, he gets upset....
[/COLOR]


You should never (really...NEVER) have to feel pressured into participating in or "having" to witness sexual activity that you don't want...EVER.

Some people are quite comfortable seeing their partners touching and flirting with their other partners - other people have boundaries and temporary rules based on what they are comfortable with at that point in their relationships.


[COLOR="rgb(255, 0, 255)"]the hard thing is I don't know if it seeing my bf with her or any women, I have no problem seeing him with her bf and I have no problem hearing about him having sex with another woman he has slept with...
[/COLOR]
It is often said here that people should try to "go at the pace of the slowest person". It sounds like you are trying to come to a place of comfort (you are here asking how to do just that) but they they are running rough-shod over your and her boyfriend's feelings without consideration. Yes, NRE, can make people do some pretty insensitive things BUT the response, when confronted, should be apologies and a desire to take things at a slower pace while comfort and trust forms - NOT telling the person who is suffering to "get over it". Jeesh!

[COLOR="rgb(255, 0, 255)"]we have decided that we are going to write down what our do and don't are and share them with the couple so everyone knows what they shouldn't do...
[/COLOR]

Actually, it sounds like you may want a poly relationship - you talk about your love for all of them. However, your bf's version of poly seems to be to ignore your concerns and invite her and her boyfriend right into the middle of your family over your objections. There are many ways to "do poly" (read these boards for the infinite varieties). Some people have multiple relationships that are largely independent other than the other partners knowing about each other, others do have fully integrated extended chosen families with everyone being on the same level and with everyone's consent and full approval.

I do love the idea of a poly relationship, I don't mind us having days out with them, the kids love them but the girl is bossy and she jumps to tell our children off etc before we have a chance to deal with it in our way..


It CAN be amazing - BUT "making it work" takes a lot of, well, WORK. And that doesn't mean just telling you to essentially "suck it up". It means listening to everyone and coming to agreements/arrangements that everyone is on board with. Communicating. Working at the pace of the person who is struggling the most. It doesn't mean that he gets to, dictatorially, just decide how the relationships are going to work and then tell everyone else to march to his drum.

Sounds like he would benefit from doing some reading here on "foundations" and "boundaries".
thank you I have spoke to him and he will do some reading thanks xx
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  #14  
Old 06-04-2012, 06:42 PM
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To add to the tag search "lessons" and "cheating"

Good luck *hugs.
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  #15  
Old 06-05-2012, 07:26 AM
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jones jones is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
To add to the tag search "lessons" and "cheating"

Good luck *hugs.
thank you xx
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  #16  
Old 06-05-2012, 01:27 PM
RedSalamander RedSalamander is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
This idea that you need to "get over it" is insulting to you and your feelings. They hurt you by lying to you, and they need to go a long way towards helping you mend it.

If they care so little about you that they are not willing to do this, then I think that you need to question whether this is really a good relationship for you.


This is exactly the advice I would give as well. From what the OP has told us, it sounds like this relationship is not off to a good start. Also, "just get over it" is NEVER an acceptable response, if you give a damn about the other person at all.
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