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  #141  
Old 06-02-2012, 11:22 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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A few of Seamus's friends now know. Well, three of them.

The first one game him a high five, the second one said "good for you", and both were pretty much "meh" about the whole thing, in that they don't seem to be very curious or interested, they just take it for what it is. They both have known for a while that we're polyamorous even though neither of us had other partners, so I think they expected it to happen at some point.

The third one, the one who took Seamus's keys away when he was drunk and had him sleep on his couch, was a little bit different. Seamus told him he was going to catch a movie with the first two friends + Kay, and the friend said "Oh, right, we still need to talk about that".
What he meant is that he told Seamus on the day he was drunk "when you're sober, we'll talk about what you want me to do in cases like this, but right now I'm not letting you make that decision", meaning the decision to go home with Kay.
So Seamus told him "you don't need to worry about it anymore, because Kay and I already made the decision". His friend immediately worried about me, asking if it was over with me. Seamus said "Noooo." and then added that I was "fine with it". He regretted his choice of words afterwards (saying "fine with it", we both feel, makes it sound like it's not something we decided together, but something imposed by the other that we suffer through. It doesn't convey that I prefer him being with Kay rather than not). But he was in a hurry and it was a simple way to say it at the time.

Seamus says it was a little bit awkward to go to the movies with Kay and the two friends who know about them. He didn't say more so I don't know if they were obvious about it (holding hands, kissing) or not at all. I think he would have told me if they did so I assume they were mostly friendly.
He didn't go back to her place, first because he was exhausted, but also because he wants to make sure she doesn't think he's using him, so he doesn't want to have sex every time they go out together. He wants to make it clear that they're still friends as well, among other things.

Oh, and every one who knows was told after Kay's approval, and they're Seamus's close friends. It seems she's more worried about their mutual friends/acquaintances who are closer to her, not to him. Still, I wouldn't be surprised if the PDAs were limited due to her still wanting the relationship to be low key.
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  #142  
Old 06-03-2012, 03:28 AM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
The third one, the one who took Seamus's keys away when he was drunk and had him sleep on his couch, was a little bit different. Seamus told him he was going to catch a movie with the first two friends + Kay, and the friend said "Oh, right, we still need to talk about that".
Maybe you should talk to this friend. Thank him for looking out for the both of you and then explain your view on the situation. Just a though.
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  #143  
Old 06-03-2012, 11:03 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
Maybe you should talk to this friend. Thank him for looking out for the both of you and then explain your view on the situation. Just a though.
I was thinking about it. He's a really good friend, but I only know him through Seamus and so I interacted with him when I was in California with them, but now that I'm in France...
I guess I'll see if I can get a hold on him through some IM program or facebook or something, and thank him and let him know it's fine.

Thanks for the suggestion.
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  #144  
Old 06-08-2012, 12:59 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I can't remember if I talked about it in this thread yet or not, but I developed a crush on a coworker of Seamus's.
That was while I was still in the US. He's made it clear that while he doesn't forbid anything, he's uncomfortable with the idea of me dating a coworker of his and the repercussions it could have, especially since Seamus is kind of his supervisor so there is some hierarchy getting in the mix too.
I can't imagine that T, the coworker, would be comfortable considering he knows me as his coworker's girlfriend, even though I would say we are on friendly terms.

Well, that was for the backstory. The real content of this update is that since moving back to France again, I just can't stop thinking about him. I'm becoming obsessed with him. Seanmus asked if I was in love with T, and I said I'm not sure, I feel like I need to see him in person again to know if it was just loneliness and missing him that made me feel much stronger emotions, or if I do feel that strongly for him.
I won't see him again for months, which is sad as I'm worried our connection, already small, will just fade away, but also probably good for the same reasons, since the whole thing seems like a bad idea to begin with.

I don't want to meet someone in France as it would be too hard for me to say goodbye when I move to the US, and I know I would get attached because that's the way I am. I can't think of something else (other than meeting people) that could help me get my mind off of him.
I know my feelings aren't in reaction to Seamus getting closer to K as they started before then, although I can't deny that I've been thinking of double dates and things like that, which I realise are toxic thoughts.

I would like to move on and resume a friendship with T, as when I go back I will resume our habit of playing games a few nights a week and I don't want to make it awkward or more difficult than it has to be. Yet I also grasp at those feelings and don't want them to fade away. I dream of T very regularly, and we usually end up together, or very close to (although no sex happens. Hugs and kisses or just a feeling of closeness and intimacy even without contact).
I want to remind myself that these are dreams but when I wake up I can't help but wish it was the truth.

I feel like I have a thing for getting interested in people I can't possibly date. Seamus didn't create a "no coworkers" boundary in response to my liking T, it was there all along, and I should have known better, and I feel angry with myself for letting it happen.

Seamus is conflicted, he re-iterated that the situation would be very uncomfortable for him and T, but he seems to push me to talk to him more, send him emails, etc, and that leaves me confused as I feel like he's supporting me pursuing him, even though I know he would prefer we didn't end up together.

Sometimes I wonder if I should hit on him so he'd reject me and I can be done with it, but that would make it awkward for everyone involved, too.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

Oh, I thought I could give an update about my previous interest/friend. He is mono and from the start we knew it was a "in the meantime" thing for him. Well he now has a girlfriend, and I've known he liked her for six months so it didn't come as a surprise at all when it finally happened.
Since not much had happened between us in a while, it was neither hurtful nor hard to get over. We're still close friends.
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  #145  
Old 06-16-2012, 04:19 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Seamus had to go to the hospital for an abscess. It's far from the first time, but this time I'm in France, away and powerless. Being next to him in the hospital always made me feel so serene, like whatever happened, I was doing everything I could, and I was going to be there for him either way.
I'm not there for him today. I'm in a small apartment in France worrying, not knowing any details, unable to be kept up to date.
Last time he spent a while in there. I hope this time he can go home tomorrow or in a couple of days.

He said he'd send me an email if he had the opportunity, but I realise he is unlikely to have it, and he'll probably need a lot of rest. I worry, and I feel like somehow I'm failing him by being here and not by his side.
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  #146  
Old 08-29-2012, 06:55 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Some news on the divorce front. Not much though.

First, because Raga had said back on the beginning of June that he had asked for a birth certificate on his side, I sent him an email to check on that. My lawyer had made a request as well so we didn't need it, but I figured I'd give him another chance to do something to help rather than make things more complicated.
He replied that he didn't trust me to send the engagement ring back (can't remember if I mentioned it. We left it behind in France, I asked my parents to send it back, they never did, we assumed it was lost. When I got back to France, since it's a family heirloom and important to my in-laws, I tried to check if it still existed and managed to get it back).
So basically he said he'd send me the birth certificate, but only if I sent the ring back, or gave it to a third party we both trusted.

Since I didn't actually need the birth certificate from him, I got annoyed by that attempt at blackmailing me, and the whole "I don't trust you" part was even worse. So I replied with an annoyed email, and we had a few exchanges when we settled some things from our relationship and the breakup itself. I was happy to make things clearer.
Didn't accomplish anything about the divorce, though.

I looked at an escrow place that might be able to take the ring. They haven't gotten back to me with a price for keeping it yet. Hopefully it's not too much because at this rate we'll have to pay for years.

As far as our second request for the birth certificate goes, we got the reply, a negative one, as I feared. But the lawyer has assured me that there is precedent for using the refusal to give us a birth certificate instead of using a birth certificate, so that should be fine. She told me I should ask Raga to give me a written permission to ask for the birth certificate, for which I have to laugh since I asked back in May and probably a couple of times since. It would have taken him a few minutes to write it, and possibly a bit longer to access a scanner and scan it, but still it would have been little trouble and he never did it. I don't expect he'd be any faster now if I asked for the nth time, especially since we have the official rejection letter now that we can use.

I just wish it hadn't taken so long, this whole thing started in May (for the French divorce, that is. It started in May 2010 for the Canadian one) and we have made no progress so far. When they refused us the first time because we sent the wrong form, I wish they had taken a quick look and seen that they would have said no anyways. Would have saved us another 4-5 weeks.

Anyway, I'll be seeing the lawyer again soon, and I guess we'll talk about the next steps to take.
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  #147  
Old 11-04-2012, 12:18 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Thought I'd share some news.

The lawyer decided to send a letter to Raga so that there was proof that he knew about the divorce, etc. This way he would either send a birth certificate (which is what she asks in the letter) or there would be proof that he refused to do so, allowing us to bypass needing one more easily.

She did that back in September, and I'm currently in the US again (from October to January). She hasn't had a response so he seems he's going to ignore it. I haven't had news from him on my end of things either. I did send a written request to know if the divorce had been filed yet in Canada, which Raga said he did in December 2011, almost a year ago. Got a written statement that as of September 2012, nothing had been received. When I called in January, they told me they were already processing the December stuff, so I don't believe it's on a pile waiting still. I asked him about it back in September but didn't get a reply.

On to non-divorce stuff. Seamus's tentative GF said she wanted a relationship, but she wanted to be exclusive with him. As in, she expected him to leave me and be with just her. He told her that wasn't going to happen, since even if he was to break up with me (which he had no intention of doing) he would still be polyamorous and against the idea of being exclusive with her.

She seems to still be interested in him, but hoping he'll change his mind or something. They haven't gone on a date in months. She's very friendly to me despite having asked my boyfriend to dump me, which is weird. I like her fine, but as long as she wants something exclusive, it's just not going to happen, which is a shame.

On my side of things, There is that guy I've liked for a while, which I'll call T here (I can't remember what initial I've used for him, but he's the same that I might have mentioned in the past 6 months or so). Since being back in the US I've spent a lot of time around him, I see him 3 or 4 times a week, pretty much never alone, though.
Every so often, we just say hi and bye, but most days we spend a couple of hours together, playing games and the like, usually with Seamus, often with one or two other people.

About three weeks ago I asked him in private if he would like hanging out with me one on one, and he said "sure". I didn't plan anything at the time though, and since then haven't really had any free time to plan anything. A week later, so two weeks ago, I told him I liked him. He said I was making him uncomfortable, so I backed off.
Since then, he's been friendlier than ever, which confuses me. I don't know if he's interested but wants to slow down, or just uncomfortable with polyamory, or recently Seamus has been thinking that maybe he just doesn't really get it or something.

I see him often, I like him a lot, a he's super friendly and nice to me, so I'm happy about that. I'm just sometimes a bit... frustrated, I guess, that I don't know where I'm standing. But I also know that I have a tendency to go too fast and scare guys off, so I'm trying to keep it slow. If he's open to nonmonogamy, it shouldn't matter too much if he meets someone else in the meantime.

Sadly, since I'm leaving in January, I feel a bit pressured. I hate the idea that I'd finally manage to ask him out and then have to go straight away. But I guess we shall see. Plus right now it seems that we're just friends.

Anyway, that's what's new here.
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  #148  
Old 11-21-2012, 09:56 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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A short update: I wanted to get some clarifications from T to really understand where I stood so I brought up the subject.
I started ¨about that time...¨ and he immediately told me ¨I'm not into polyamory.¨
I was actually surprised that he guessed exactly where I was going there. But that was a clear, straight answer and now I'm set for good.

It's definitely a shame as I really like him, but I'm hoping our friendship will survive the whole thing. He's been mature and respectful the whole time so I'm hopeful.

I'm mostly having trouble really realusing that's it's done, it's dealt with and I can move on now.

On some level I feel silly and embarrassed, but Seamus thinks I handled the situation well.
Now to get ready for Thanksgiving (he's invited).
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  #149  
Old 04-23-2013, 03:46 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Okay, going back to the divorce.

I was holding back on updates because, really, not much was happening. Summary since October last year:

- October 2012: my lawyer sends an official notice to Raga's parents (his only known address) that we need his birth certificate. To my insistence, she adds a not that I plan on returning the engagement ring when I receive the birth certificate (even though she keeps pointing out that it's now my property and not theirs).
- November 2012: we get the proof of receipt, but no answer.
- December 2012: I am too tired of this whole ring thing. I never wanted it to become a bargaining chip, it was just supposed to be a symbolic mark that we were divorced (he gives it to me when he proposes, I return it when we're divorced). But it lead to too much hatred. I return it.
- January 2013: the ring is received. I'm back in France and meet with my lawyer. She decides to try submitting the paperwork to the judge without a birth certificate of his, since he won't give us one.
- February 2013: I send Raga emails to ask once again for the birth certificate. I then call his parents. He tells me he will ask for one. Later in the month, he tells me he obtained it and will send it in the next couple of days (also, he shares the sad news of our cat's death I post on Facebook and several people comment that Raga told them several days earlier than he told me, which annoys me since he was my cat too. This isn't relevant to the divorce, but is still important obviously. RIP Lumpy).
- March 2013: no news from either the lawyer nor Raga. I contact the lawyer to know if she's heard from the judge. No response. I contact another lawyer as a "backup" but decide to hold on and see if the first one gets back to me.
- April 2013: I contact my lawyer again, asking her if she has dropped the case. She assures me she hasn't. She says we should have a court date soon.
I send emails to Raga to hear back about the birth certificate, that I still haven't received. I get no response.

Which brings us to today. Finally, after a few weeks, the lawyer contacts me again. She has talked to the judge. They both believe that it will be impossible for me to divorce (ever) without his birth certificate. Considering I asked for it in my name twice, and the lawyer asked in her name once, and all three were rejected, there isn't much we can do.
I am going to contact Raga's parents again and see if there is anything they can do. If they can't, I honestly don't know what to do.

I don't consider France to be my country. I stopped talking to my parents for being controlling and trying to break me and Raga up. I may have had some contact with my father since (went to see him for a couple of days when my mother broke up with him. Two years later, went to his place for a couple of days because he was moving and about to throw away childhood stuff of mine.) but I'm not ready to have an actual relationship with my father and my mother even less. I only got into contact in the first place because my father had been dumped and I figured he needed support, and also used the opportunity to get the ring back.
My real friends and family are all over the world, but mostly in the US. A job is waiting for me in the US while I haven't been able to find one in France. I can't get full welfare in France because I'm married and it's assumed my spouse is giving me money. I can't marry my fiancé of several years, I can't move to the US.

My love life, my family and friends, my career, everything seems to be on hold while I'm married. And now I'm told this might be forever. I have no idea what to do. I don't know. I have no solution at all to any of it. I can't make him want to divorce. I don't understand why he doesn't want to, though. It's not like he gains anything by being married to me. It probably gets in the way of his relationships, too, since he's come out as mono a few months after we broke up, and decided he would never date a poly person again. Well, mono people are less likely to date a married man who refuses to divorce, aren't they?

I'm so frustrated. I'm trying to keep sane with my translations, but I am terrified. I'm terrified that Seamus will finally decide he's had enough, break up with me and date someone who isn't away 9 months out of the year. I'm terrified I'll lose the only thing I have left at this point.

I wish I could go back to the day I decided to marry him so he could stay in France, and tell myself "don't do it. Let him be kicked out of the country. You think he's a nice guy, but you won't get to see him for who he is for several more years. Believe me, he's not worth all the sacrifices you're going to make both by marrying him and by breaking up with him".

I just wish he could meet someone and want to marry her. Then he'd be willing to divorce, and he would be happy so he wouldn't care about the rest. If I could conjure the perfect woman for him and send her his way, I would have done it years ago.

This is so frustrating. I needed to vent. Hopefully I'll have better news next update, but honestly I should, because, there isn't much room for any news to be worse.
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  #150  
Old 04-23-2013, 10:08 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Wow, I never realized that getting divorced in CA is actually super simple and a spouse is authorized to request an official birth certificate.
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