Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1331  
Old 05-20-2012, 07:00 AM
Arrowbound's Avatar
Arrowbound Arrowbound is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Tri-State
Posts: 275
Default

That sounds beautiful Red.
Reply With Quote
  #1332  
Old 05-21-2012, 06:29 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,637
Default

I am was missing Leo this week. There, I admit it. Why? Well, it's the first camp of the year in my body and mind and we didn't do it together this year. I don't miss sleeping on the ground and freezing my ass off, but I miss what we had and what we could of continued if it weren't for some stupid miss understanding and him falling out of interest in me. I would likely not of arranged a holiday weekend with him again, but it would of been nice to of at least said hey, ya, this is kind of different than last year.

I realized tonight that I completely overwhelm my family. I tried to lead the conversation to other love interests, burlesque.... etc. but really I am overwhelming enough as it is. They really aren't interested or care. I forget this from time to time. I am glad I remember.

My ex-wife and I went to visit an old friend today that is likely going to commit suicide in the next year. She had attempted before and really, at 90, I think she has every right to end her life. She is ready, she was two years ago last time she attempted and now she is ready again. It was really hard for me for some reason as it gave me perspective into my own life about my own parents and their recent move. Their possible decline and my role in it. I don't want to stop them from doing what they want in life, but where do you draw the line. She trusted us to not say a word and we took that trust.... but if she ends her life, then what.

I realized that if my ex were not there I could not of visited our friend at all. Its hard to see her. What was hard was that my ex told me that she would not come back for the funeral. She lives far away now and I totally understand why she wouldn't. I would likely find it difficult to make it back myself. I will have to go to the funeral alone. I wept on the way home. I don't want to do this stuff alone.

I have set up some times for myself to come up here to the island to relax and possibly bring others. My brother comes up here often, I figured I should start making it a priority. I booked one day a month into September. I hope it doesn't conflict with burlesque too much. I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

My new friend has read this whole blog now. I wonder what he thinks. No doubt he will tell me in time. I miss him and Derby and my other new friend that I just started seeing. I am looking forward to home.

My dating friend.... I really need new names for them.....! I have a date with him this week. I took him to one of my favorite restaurants in town this last week for a lunch buffet. It sucked. It was not a good rendition of the food there, oh well. We have a date coming up again on Thursday. I don't know what we will do, but I look forward to some closeness and discussion on what on earth we are doing. I worry about my new friend as we have not had a date yet officially and there is something there also. We are waiting, or I am waiting still, on his getting through his break up. All this waiting and pacing. I love/hate it.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog

Last edited by redpepper; 05-21-2012 at 09:05 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #1333  
Old 05-22-2012, 11:02 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,637
Default

Oh I am so loving this break from so much responsibility... I have a few things on the horizon, but mostly just relaxing, catching up with people and taking a breath. Planning on keeping this pace for awhile.

With the time I am beginning to do what I normally do and that is start getting sad about stuff I have no control over. Should of and could ofs and what ifs. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I don't know what else to do but walk through the feelings. I know that its partly due to sheer exhaustion and the fact that I have neglected my primary partner... my self.

I have been listening to some new music that I am singing along with and its making me happy. The songs are sad and melancholy though and I think I need to find something more up lifting. I was given the link to some new ones, well, forgotten ones this weekend and I am pouring over them now too. Having loves in my life always seems to bring me good music!

I have a week of dates this week. Time spent with people I love and who's existence in the world fills my heart with joy!

I have a date with Mono tonight. It's making me giddy to think of cuddling up to him tonight in bed only to end up sticky and sweaty later.... listening to him sing his silly little made up songs as we drive in his new truck to see a movie, listening to him talk about his websites and plans for retirement, arguing about something mundane just because...

I look forward to going shopping with my new friend to help him find some new clothes. Watching his shy confidence will be entertaining and endearing. Going shopping with someone is a big deal... I get to really look at him as he tries things on.. No trouble in that really. I wonder if he is nervous? No doubt he will tell me after he reads this as he has been following along here diligently and comments in private often. I enjoy our time together and the more we spend time together the more we seem to bond.

I look forward to a walk on the ocean later this week and some homemade pizza with my dating friend. He is a romantic at heart and sends me lots of lovely words everyday that indicate his dedication to seeing what is in store for us. He has stopped looking on the dating sites he was on as I seem to be his focus at the moment. I enjoy our similarities and find that I trust him because of it. He thinks like me, is as passionate about everything as I am and his dedication and commitment to others and the process that he feels will create the best case scenario is similar to mine. I love that he puts a lot of thought into his relationships and does not do things half ass. Because I am like that too I find myself feeling very secure and easily relaxed.

Even later this week I am meeting with my darling husband to do a little book store window shopping before collecting our boy and having Indian food together. This date is tailored towards him and I was glad to make it so. He has a hard day to go through this up coming weekend as he visits his dad to sort out his dad's will. I wanted to make sure he had something other than that to look forward to. I want him to fall asleep in my arms happy on Friday night so that Saturday morning I can send him off feeling as if he has had some fun.

Next week I see Derby. Whew! Long time to wait, but I think we will be able to fit in a coffee date this week. She and I have a lot of catching up to do with our lives.... stories about the wedding she was in this past week, what is going on with various people we commonly know and have different relationships with, hugs and little kisses... I love wrapping my arms around her and breathing her in. Her sweet feminine smell and nature thrill me. They make me want to devour her... I love riding on that feeling after she leaves... all warm and cozy and personal to just us.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #1334  
Old 05-26-2012, 06:02 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,637
Default

I am missing Mono tonight. I think that he has been devoured by his computer and the numerous projects he involves himself in so as to some how see his way to finishing his job in December. Some presence would not go amiss right now. Thankfully I am getting a lot of attention elsewhere, but its not making up for the fact that I feel a bit neglected by him. Odd that he is the mono one of the bunch, yet I feel neglected by him! you'd think it would be another.

I wonder sometimes if my loves feel neglected. They never say they do, but I wonder if they do. I see it in their eyes sometimes. I realize that I can only do so much, but I can't help thinking that "if only" I were able to be there more, if only I didn't have to work, if only I had more energy, if only I could be everything they want me to be. It causes me some guilt at times, but really, I can do nothing but trust that if what we have is not working that they will say so and go about finding what they need. The way I look at it is that I would rather spend really good quality time with them than lots of semi-good quality time with them. To me that is more than I could hope for if we have a good time, get a chat in and leave feeling like we both are nurtured in some way by each others love.

PN said tonight something about loving presence being enough sometimes. We had a date like that tonight. I think that can be true, but I don't know if it is enough... I am struggling to trust that right now.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #1335  
Old 05-31-2012, 09:29 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,637
Default

For someone so surrounded I feel so alone sometimes. My friend and I thought that this might be a middle age thing. It used to be easy to just talk to anyone and let it all out, but I find that harder and harder to do. There doesn't seem to be anyone that understands entirely, or is willing to be there entirely. I seem to have half relationships all over the place because people don't talk to me, don't express their inner selves. As a result I find it hard to let myself bond and continue attachments myself. Its a chicken and the egg thing.

Last week was glorious, this one, not so much. I'm bored out of my mind at work so I chat all day to various people and wait out whatever it is I am waiting out. I think its been the comfort and security of knowing that my relationships with Mono, PN and derby are okay before launching into exploring new ones. There seems to be this veil of something is not right in my world and I have been holding back, feeling alone and not moving in closer to anyone. It feels contrived when I try to do so.

Yesterday it was revealed that there is stuff going on. Interestingly its come about because of the cycle of which I spoke in the first paragraph. Lack of open honest communication has lead to distancing which has lead to feeling alone for people and me and then stuff happens and there is a breaking point. Now I feel alone and untrustworthy in the eyes of this person when they always said they trust me most of all.

I feel the same as I did when Leo broke up with me. Hollow, sick to my stomach, and utterly alone. I tried to reach out again, push for communication of any kind as to what was happening to keep bonds strong. There is nothing I can do when someone decides that they are not willing to be there with me.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #1336  
Old 05-31-2012, 10:02 PM
SNeacail's Avatar
SNeacail SNeacail is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Near Disneyland
Posts: 1,616
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
For someone so surrounded I feel so alone sometimes. My friend and I thought that this might be a middle age thing. It used to be easy to just talk to anyone and let it all out, but I find that harder and harder to do. There doesn't seem to be anyone that understands entirely, or is willing to be there entirely. I seem to have half relationships all over the place because people don't talk to me, don't express their inner selves. As a result I find it hard to let myself bond and continue attachments myself. Its a chicken and the egg thing.
I totally get this! I don't think it's a middle age thing as it's something I've struggled with my whole life. It's just now at middle age , that I'm starting to change a few things. For a long time, I never thought I would have friends that I could bond with (20+ years). Accepting that certain friends are always going to be a bit on the outskirts, while others I will drop everything for made a big difference for me. There are a few that I will drop everything for out of obligation (because they have done the same for me), but acknowledging that to myself makes it easier and oddly enough, less of an "obligation" and more of gratitude. It is devastating to realize someone your thought you were bonding with doesn't feel the same.

Hugs!
Reply With Quote
  #1337  
Old 06-01-2012, 11:06 AM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,680
Default

Reading in between the lines, RP, I am guessing Mono is withdrawing emotionally while giving you permission to date other men, just as he predicted he would years ago.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
Reply With Quote
  #1338  
Old 06-01-2012, 09:13 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,637
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Reading in between the lines, RP, I am guessing Mono is withdrawing emotionally while giving you permission to date other men, just as he predicted he would years ago.
Worse, he feel in love with someone else when he needed support through Leo breaking up with me and turned to a friend. He didn't tell me until a few days ago when I dragged it out of him after months of disconnect, changes in his behaviour and lack of interest in being in my life.

He didn't tell her until after he told me, but she feels the same way. Its a bond that he can't deny. Even if he didn't cheat as badly as he did when he was with his wife (three year affair), it was emotional cheating that lead him to forget everything he knows about open honest communication, integrity and empathy... Everything I value and thought he did too. He choose to shut down rather than talk to me.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #1339  
Old 06-01-2012, 09:21 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,289
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Worse, he feel in love with someone else when he needed support through Leo breaking up with me and turned to a friend... He choose to shut down rather than talk to me.
It's not too late to keep communicating and see where this development will lead. He may have been distancing himself in order to deal with these feelings for her, but I highly doubt that all that suddenly erased the love he has for you - so maybe he can see how it is possible to love more than one person. Maybe it can still work out. He is still a part of your home and family, I am sure there are still things that need to be said and choices to be made.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #1340  
Old 06-01-2012, 09:53 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,637
Default

She is not available for a relationship and is not identifying as poly. She is in a failing marriage and he has been supporting her through that. Its a matter of forgetting the whole thing and just being friends or me and him ending and her and her husband ending so they can be together. Maybe if he had mentioned he has a friend he's really connecting with in mid February there would of been a chance to develop something? I don't know. Right now I am more concerned about what I will do and if I can accept. He understands what it means to love two people he says, which is why he can let go of me, but the way he came to it is not ideal and has hurt me deeply. All the things he assured me would be how it is for him have turned on their head and I have to decide what I think of that and how I should respond.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
bdsm, boundaries, breaking up, casual sex, children, coming out, coming out to family, communication, family, foundations, kids, ldr, ldrs, mono poly, mono poly dating nature, mono/poly, moving in, negotiations, poly-fi, poly-fidelous, redpepper, rules, swinging, third partner, vee

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 03:48 PM.