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  #11  
Old 05-31-2012, 05:40 AM
PinkDragon PinkDragon is offline
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Default It's official

Lovely is officially "our" girlfriend.

She and I were talking this evening, we had a very odd conversation. Tonight was the first time either one of us has ever had this type of conversation... about poly in general, if she wants to date the other guy (she doesn't), fluid bonding, safe sex... things that I've never discussed before.

It was a little awkward, but the honesty of it was really refreshing.

She's been reading about poly, learning terms, figuring out where she fits in this whole lifestyle changing decision that we've all made.

We talked about whether or not we want to have this triad, I do, she does, Bear is happy as long as I am happy, so he's cool with it. We decided that we want to explore the possibilities of this relationship.

I feel a little giddy.

Can I squee?

:::clearing throat::: sorry... I'll try to rein in my more girly impulses. Squ-- dammit, that one almost got out.

Seriously though, we don't know what we're going but when have there ever really been rules for how to conduct a relationship. Each one is unique.

Oh, and Bear (who wasn't feeling well) left the room when I started stripping and repainting my nails. Instead of picking up an extension, he decided that Lovely and I needed "girl time." Awwww, how sweet : )

So. There we have it. I am officially in a poly LDR triad. I'm thinking road trip on Monday
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Pinky, 41, f, bi. Married to Bear, 42, m, straight.
Not dating anyone right now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.--EAP
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  #12  
Old 05-31-2012, 11:58 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PinkDragon View Post
I'm starting to get a complex...someone, most likely lots of someones look and perhaps read this little blog of mine, but no one comments... LOL
Oh we are looking and reading! (as of the time of this writing it looks like your blog has 260 views).

The rules for the blogs are different than the other sections of the site - a place for people to tell their stories, not a place for debate or discussion. So most of the time people read without commenting until someone has asked for input. We are lurkers in the blogs (I will sometimes PM someone if I really want to comment on something in a blog because I don't want to interrupt the flow of the story.)

Thank you for sharing your story with us.
JaneQ
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (24+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (5+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic girlfriend and BFF
Lotus: "it's complicated"
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #13  
Old 06-05-2012, 04:41 PM
PinkDragon PinkDragon is offline
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Default Feelings... oh oh oh feelings

I know that in triads that all the participants don't feel the same about each other. That one person can be more into one than into the other in all the perambulations that exist.

So, that said, why I certainly like Lovely, I'm fairly sure that she's more into both of us than I am into her, and that Bear is more into her than I am. And, that's fine.

Maybe I'll develop more romantic feelings as time goes on. Maybe I won't.

If I don't, I'm already seeing her as /his/ gf, not mine.

There is nothing about her that is wrong, or gross, or anything negative. Quite the opposite, there are all kinds of good things about her. She just doesn't make my liver quiver.

Maybe it's the distance thing. While I've dated people that I met online, and Bear and I met online, those relationships became face-to-face relationships after a couple of weeks. This relationship is 99% online and on the phone.

For me it seems to be difficult to maintain that NRE when I don't get to SEE the person.

Gah, I feel like a flake. Lovely and I agreed that we want to explore this relationship and see what the possibilities are. But right this instant, I'm feeling rather ambivalent about the whole thing.

Oh, and did I mention that I have a depression issue? Yeah... I take meds, but it raises it's ugly head every now and then and I'm feeling a little down. And /that/ throws EVERYTHING off.

One of my besties says that I act just like his wife, who has bipolar. Lemme tell ya, I've been up and somewhat manic for the last week and now, here I am sliding off into the cess pool. Oh joy, oh thrill.

The good news is that I recognize (generally) when I'm sliding off my cracker and can take some steps to ameliorate the problem. And, I can warn those around me that I'm feeling off. That helps them to deal with my mood swings.

Huh, maybe y'all should just ignore me for a day or two until I'm feeling better. Too bad there isn't a rescue inhaler for depression LOL Oh, and despite being depressed, I will continue to crack jokes and be silly. It's part of how I deal with it and pump myself back up.

I will most likely feel completely different in a couple of days. I'll let ya know when I've dragged myself back to the shore and out of the mire : )
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Pinky, 41, f, bi. Married to Bear, 42, m, straight.
Not dating anyone right now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.--EAP
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  #14  
Old 06-05-2012, 06:16 PM
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Devotpohats Devotpohats is offline
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Quote:
But right this instant, I'm feeling rather ambivalent about the whole thing.
If it makes you feel any better, I suffer from an intermittent anxiety disorder which expresses itself very similarly to what you've described. Even during the few weeks that I've been getting to know and understand poly, I've reached points of ambivalence regarding the whole thing.

I think the problem for me is that I just get emotionally worn out. I'm filled with a mixture of excitement and worry and sexual tension all the time, and I vacillate around between them very rapidly. This, coupled with opening myself up to being attracted to new people (and the NRE that comes with it) has, on occasion, just completely worn me out.

Maybe it's not the same thing, but it struck me when reading your post that I've been feeling sort of the same way.
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  #15  
Old 06-05-2012, 06:51 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Just remember that whatever you feel is ok. This is not counting anything that exists for you as an ongoing problematic condition that you're trying to fight, such as depression or anxiety, obviously. But in terms of your like/love/lust or lack of any of the above for any given person, there is no right or wrong in that, no way it should be other than what it is. Any pressure or expectations on yourself to the contrary will just be counterproductive. Hope you feel better soon!!
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  #16  
Old 06-06-2012, 02:26 PM
PinkDragon PinkDragon is offline
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Default Bipolar much?

Yesterday evening I swung out of my slump. All of a sudden I was happy, smiley, and a bit manic.

This morning things are good. There are kittens running around under my chair playing, the moma cat is purring and cooing at her babies, my dog is in the house instead of under the house, the sky is blue, the weather nice enough to have the house open, and the first thing i did this morning was check for messages from Lovely with excited expectation.

There was one : ) Yay!

Bear asks me yesterday when I'm going to ask her to move in. That startled me. I thought he was saying that he wants that. My response was that in several months to a year if I feel that's the way the relationship is going then we'll discuss it but that I have no intentions of that at the present moment. He allayed my fears of his impending insanity by saying, "Good. I was just checking that we're on the same page."

Holy Mother of God! Don't DO that to me!!!! I nearly had a coronary!

Maybe I'll point an empty gun at him and pull the trigger. When he freaks I'll just say, "Oh, I was just checking to make sure it's empty." >< (jk, folks, I wouldn't ACTUALLY do that, just an illustration!)

We told our eldest child over dinner yesterday that we're dating Lovely. He's nearly 21. His response was, "Whatever you guys want to do, it's your relationship." Yay! I done good! I raised him to be open-minded.

I also told Lovely that I had forgotten to tell her that I sometimes cycle a bit emotionally. She was wonderfully understanding.

Well. Those are my random thoughts for this morning. I should do things like get dressed now... LOL
__________________
Pinky, 41, f, bi. Married to Bear, 42, m, straight.
Not dating anyone right now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.--EAP
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  #17  
Old 06-16-2012, 01:30 AM
PinkDragon PinkDragon is offline
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Default Squee!!!

Lovely should be here soon!

The three of us decided that it makes more sense for her to come here than us to go there because we have a huge house and she has a one bedroom apartment.

It's a full house this weekend at our casa. Me, Bear, our three boys, the eldest boy's gf, and then Lovely and her daughter will be here soon. I'm all aflutter!

Sunday is going to be interesting. I was sick on Mother's Day, I didn't even go to church (I'm the pianist). So, we are having a Mother's/Father's Day lunch celebration here because, well, we have the biggest house. So add my parents, my sister, bil and their three children to the mix.

I think I've mentioned before that Sister and BIL know about Lovely. For my parents though, she's "just a friend". If our relationship proceeds to where we decide that we want to handfast then we'll deal with the parents. Basically we'll tell them that we're practicing polygamy. :::shrug::: I don't know... Hell, I'm nearly 42. Maybe it's time I told my parents that I'm gay?

Ok, bi, whatever. I really do think of myself, way down deep inside, as being gay. Even if I do like men. :::shrug::: Who can figure out the human psyche? I just read a letter from a woman to her 15 year old self over on fb about grasping the edge of the sink, looking into the mirror and saying, admitting, "I'm gay." I've been there. I did that. Of course, I wasn't 15. I hid who I am until I was in my late 20's.

So, anyway... at some point if our relationship progresses to the point where we decide to all live together and mingle all facets of our lives our parents are going to notice. My parents are 77 and 80. Bear's mom, who is a pastor (of course, Bear is also ordained though he let his license lapse) is 68.

This isn't something straight people of that generation take well. Not to mention that they'll all tell me that I'm going to hell.

Maybe I just call her my "sister-wife"?

What I really want to do is shout from the mountain tops, "I'm gay!!!!" But I feel that I have a greater responsibility to protect my parents than to be true to myself.

What kind of fucked up world do I live in?

And why am I telling y'all this? Maybe because I feel safe here? And, I do. I feel like there's nothing I can say that y'all are going to judge me for. You will caution me to be careful in this triad, but you won't just tell me that I'm wrong. Though I did feel like I got that a little at first. I understand the why of it, I understand the pitfalls.... but I really don't see myself as a unicorn hunter.

For all that she is "our" girlfriend, there is a deeper relationship between her and Bear than between me and her. But, there is a deeper relationship between Bear and I than either of us have with her. Of course, Bear and I have been together 7+ years. We've been through A LOT together.

This is what "a lot" is: Three months into our marriage I was diagnosed with cervical cancer. I had surgery. And then I had radiation and chemo. Praise be to God, I came through all of that and have fairly good health despite the long-term side effects of treatment. My vagina is really messed up from the radiation. In addition to having the same issues as a post-menopausal woman that doesn't have sex (even though I do, a lot) I have scar tissue, I tear and bleed. My libido DIED for about three years. I have bouts of "cancer flu". I've recently been diagnosed with degenerative disc disease and arthritis that is a direct result of the chemo.

And, to top it ALL off :::::drum roll::: my depression and anxiety issues got worse! Yay!!! Bring on the drugs! (Truly, it's a chemical imbalance. I've been to years of therapy and there's no reason for my personal insanity.)

I'm dealing with aging issues that I didn't think I'd have to face until I was in my 60's. I didn't know this is what my 40's would look like.

However, before you decide that I need a straight jacket and a padded room... I'm a really happy, upbeat person. I am learning to pace myself. I'm learning to delegate responsibility and to be grateful for children that help me clean house. No, it's not like what it would be if I did it (spotless), but it is dusted, it is vacuumed, and swept and mopped...

And what the hell does that have to do with my sexual orientation and the lifestyle I have decided to lead? I have no freaking idea. I'm just stream-of-consciousness writing.

Right... triad... relationship.

I don't mind that they have a deeper connection. It bothers him a little though, and he's been pushing us together more. Of course, that's on the phone.

She and I have finally reached the point where we are flirting with each other. We're teasing each other in an overtly sexual manner instead of just acting like giggly girlfriends. Which we are, and that's good. I LIKE my giggle girlfriends. But I'm really glad that there is a sexual component to my relationship with her.

Still, perhaps someday there will come a time when we'll decide to take the next step in our relationship and my parents will notice that something is up. I suppose I'll have to say, "Well, I always knew that I had to hide who I am so I always did. I'm tired of hiding. I'm still who I always was, now you just know."

Squeee!!! She's here! ttyl! : )
__________________
Pinky, 41, f, bi. Married to Bear, 42, m, straight.
Not dating anyone right now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.--EAP
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  #18  
Old 06-20-2012, 03:38 PM
PinkDragon PinkDragon is offline
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Default Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens...

I don't know why I have that song in my head. Silly, I know.

We had a really great weekend. Monday the three of us went out on an actual date to a nice Italian restaurant. On the way home Bear decided that he wanted to make his fabulous spaghetti sauce. Lovely and I helped him get everything chopped up for it and then had a wonderful three hour nap. It was delightful waking up beside her all the time : )

The dynamics of the relationship continue to change and evolve. She and I spent a lot of time talking about a whole host of topics, and since a lot of these conversations happened while we were naked in bed you know where that went and that was wonderful also

I absolutely adore my husband. I can't imagine my life without my Bear, but I feel somewhat guilty that I my poor broken body (I guess I'll have to tell y'all that story, too) responds better to her touch than his.

Broken body story: Six years ago I was diagnosed with cervical cancer. I had the whole protocol for dealing with it. Surgery, radiation and chemo. Voila! Instant menopause. And, one of the results of the treatment is that I have vaginal atrophy and scar tissue. Due to these two things my lubrication glands don't work very well.... unless I'm with a woman. Then they work just fine.

I don't understand WHY my body works that way. I am certainly no more excited about her than him.... it's pretty equal. But, that's the way of it, and it makes me feel guilty. ::shrug::

So, emotionally I'm a little confused. I really like Lovely, I'm enjoying our relationship as well as her relationship with Bear and our triad relationship... but I have issues that I'm trying to work through.

The biggest issue, the HUGE issue is that I want to change her. And that's really bad. Really, really bad. I want to change the way she dresses. On the one hand that seems really petty, on the other hand I'd like to put her in clothes that flatter her body. I recognize that the desire to change someone, no matter how petty the change is bad.

Granted, she's a single mom, going to school, working a minimum wage job so it's not like she has extra cash to go out and buy a bunch of clothes. She makes do with what she has.

LOL Maybe it's the artist in me? I want to make everything as pretty as I can?

What I'm going to do though is to keep my mouth shut and not say anything to her. This is MY problem, not hers.

As for the big L word... I'm not in love with her. I love her like a friend. Left to my own devices I would not have started a sexual relationship as soon as it started, but Bear pushed it and I didn't say, "Whoa." Of course, Lovely isn't complaining because it had been a long, long time for her.

I'm afraid that it's just complicated matters for me on the emotional front because I'm not in the habit of just jumping into bed with people for fun.

Then there's the complication of children. Lovely's daughter desperately wants a daddy and she is seeing Bear as the one that can fill that need. My concern is that we'll date for a while, decide this isn't working out the way we want it to and then a sweet little girl gets her heart broken.

Gah. I've got too many conflicting emotions. I thought that if I sat down and started writing that I would be able to work some of it out, but I haven't. Now it all seems bigger than it was before I started writing.
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Pinky, 41, f, bi. Married to Bear, 42, m, straight.
Not dating anyone right now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.--EAP
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  #19  
Old 06-21-2012, 12:07 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Wanting to change little things about your partner, wondering if you fell into bed at the right time, wondering about feelings, worrying that kids will get too attached... this is all perfectly normal adult dating stuff. Just keep being honest and compassionate and take care of yourself, and I think you will be just fine.
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  #20  
Old 06-21-2012, 01:18 AM
PinkDragon PinkDragon is offline
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Thanks, Anna : )
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Not dating anyone right now.
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I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.--EAP
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