New But Trying to Make It Work

[wannamakeitwork]

Originally Posted by nycindie

"Is this relationship, as it is right now, good for me?" [If yes, great; if not, then why not? What would have to change?]
"Am I able to freely express who I am and what I'm about in this relationship?"
"Am I able to get what I need from this relationship?" [If you are, great; if not, then how can you make sure you do get what you want?]
"Why did I agree to a polyamorous arrangement?"
"How will polyamory benefit me?"
"What are the pros and cons of this polyamorous situation, for me?"[/INDENT]

- Yes, I believe (so far) that I am making a good choice in "going" polyamorous
- I am free to express it, but the reaction (albeit not necessarily an argumentative one) is often of upset. As mentioned my partner is not a great communicator and feels very burdened by all the constant discussions on feelings/wants/needs/etc
- So far I am, yes. However, there are things I want in the future which I still fear my partner won't give to me. This is naturally not a result of poly, rather of his character and was already present when we were monogamous.
- Ha, that's a good question. To this day I am still not sure if it was merely because "breaking up is hard to do" or because I truly and deeply believe that polyamory could be the thing for me. As mentioned earlier, this wasn't my idea of how our relationship was/should develop. This said I have been having fun and till now we are making it work, despite the bumps on the road.
- Well, it will benefit me inasmuch as 1. I am free to explore my sexuality and perhaps even my own boundaries vis a vis loving someone/more than one person, and 2. my partner has expressed the sentiment that now that he is free to pursuit sexual and caring relationships with other people too he truly feels he can cope with the domesticity that our relationship (and the future we envision for it - i.e.: housing, children, etc) entails. Is the latter a benefit or a compromise (I open the relationship, he commits fully)? Ideas on this point are welcome.
- The pros are above. The cons are the jealousy, the fear of abandonment that is still prevalent, the fear of STD's, my craving for a domestic life which could perhaps be jeopardized by someone else's wish to do the same with him (again, my fears that I am not a/the priority come into play), etc - are these the symptoms of all poly newbies? Are they signs? Again, insight welcome.

P.S.: How important in a polyamorous relationship is fluid bonding (besides the health question, obviously)? My partner and his lover have been doing it recently and I got a bit upset. I wasn't sure if this was just my concerns about health and safety or if it was mostly my reaction to them doing it after only seeing each other for a couple of months. I'm alright with it now - we are all getting tested and he has assured me that for him this is not a big deal - but I still wonder about it every once in a while. Is this a totally subjective matter?

[kdt26417]

Re:

"As mentioned my partner is not a great communicator and feels very burdened by all the constant discussions on feelings/wants/needs/etc."

Make sure your partner understands that you know the extra communication is tough on him. Make sure he also understands that you need him to push out of his "comfort zone envelope" as much as he can. Take a step back and don't "push" quite as much for communication, but see if he will "push" for it a little more than what he's used to on his own. This way, you're both compromising a little for each other.

Re:

"Is the latter a benefit or a compromise (I open the relationship, he commits fully)? Ideas on this point are welcome."

I'd say it was a compromise if it was as simple as that, but you did mention your freedom to explore your sexuality and perhaps even your own boundaries vis-à-vis loving someone/more than one person, so there you're getting a second benefit, depending on how signficant you feel that benefit is.

Re:

"The cons are the jealousy, the fear of abandonment that is still prevalent, the fear of STD's, my craving for a domestic life which could perhaps be jeopardized by someone else's wish to do the same with him (again, my fears that I am not a/the priority come into play), etc. -- Are these the symptoms of all poly newbies? Are they signs? Again, insight welcome."

They are symptoms of poly newbies and poly old hats. They are legitimate concerns, and should be addressed. The STD thing is a big deal; safe sex practices are paramount to the rules you and your partner follow.

Re:

"How important in a polyamorous relationship is fluid bonding (besides the health question, obviously)?"

Oh, I think it's very subjective. Some people crave fluid bonding, others, not so much. I think it's wise to get a clean bill of health from everyone before proceeding with fluid bonding.

[northhome]

Originally Posted by wannamakeitwork

He had not explained to me fully at the time that he was now seeing someone who he had a very strong connection

Originally Posted by wannamakeitwork

How important in a polyamorous relationship is fluid bonding

I'm wondering, did you discuss fluid bonding before it happened? Or were you simply told about it afterwards?

What are your agreements (if any) when it comes to checking things in advance? Since it seems that the whole relationship with the other woman was revealed to you after the fact, I can imagine that you are nervous about what might be happening in the future, and what, if any, chance you will have to influence the course of events.