have had massive wind & hail storms here last night and this morning. and Z just spent his entire memorial day weekend plus leveling and grass-seeding his yard. ugh.
i can hear the hail hitting the roof and porch this morning as i type....last night it was golf-ball sized, this morning probably more like quarter-sized....and hey, it's june. ah well. that's life in the bible-belt-buckle.
after long and somewhat progressive/productive talks a couple of weeks ago, J has mostly gone radio silent again. he was happy that we were spending more time together, but when he realized that i "could share," he's again withdrawn. mono and low self-esteem are in his genes. (that's not a summarizing statement of who he is, but of the situation as it stands.)
and i feel myself glad that Z is taking time to himself during his week-long vacation from work. recently i find (again) that i make a lot of personal and daily decisions based upon what i think he needs, wants, and likes - OVERriding my own. it's my subconscious trying to play Wifey out of boredom, stagnation, habit... but i've had a couple dreams in the past few weeks that tell me it wants to do otherwise - very subtle and sensual dreams about a classically "tall, dark & handsome" man whom i don't know well (not a fictional character), who has equally subtly expressed interest some time back.
i seem to fall in lust, get close, the love & caring comes on, then eventually i'm TOO close, and the desire disappears while the caring & tenderness often intensifies. and then i find i'm trying to spoon-feed the once-object of my desire like an infant. it's like the nurturing mother-instinct takes over and the wolf fades to the background. i don't know if it's from a desire not to hurt or be hurt....but it sucks. i need to learn to maintain a healthy, encouraging, and mutually self-sufficient distance.
and now an old interest pops up....Shade.
M has been more or less my type. beautiful big man, beautiful voice. and wicked-funky bassist. (yup, i luv the ones who can hold down the bottom end in their sleep.) we had a whirlwind emotional fling a few years back while i was seeing J that Phariseeically (yes, my own term) pounded the edges of the definition of physical sex on all sides while remaining "innocent" (yeah right) because we practically did everything *except* fuck.
Shade was in love with me then. i was in love with J, and while adoring Shade and the attention and validation he showered me with (he cooks, hosts, loves, drinks, makes music, works, and does the father-thing all with great gusto and lust for life), *needed* J and his introverted, vid-game-geeking, clinically depressed, negativistic, cynical, sweet ass so much that i could and would not leave him, for myself or another man. so, understandably, Shade and i both got tired of playing that game and running that spiral-in/pull-back gauntlet several nights a week, and he finally made the outright move to cut it off. wisely.
since then, massive change in both our lives, and now we have reconnected purely as friends.
i realize in seeing him last week that simply the thought of being IN love (or even NRE) nearly disgusts me at this point. all the time i spend trying to caretake for men anyway...i can't imagine thinking about someone else all damn day or baking his favorite oatmeal cookies every time i think i'm going to see him.
i went and re-read the "solo poly" section of Tristan Taormino's "Opening Up" last night before bed...it's so settling and reassuring to reorient myself that way. i am one who can lose myself in a partner's needs, directions, desires - become nearly totally saturated and assimilated...and seriously lose myself in the process, waking up some morning in the future feeling totally flatlined and disoriented from my own life.
Z LOVES the way i often dote on and take care of him, as i fall into the habit of doing, but he's only vaguely aware of the fact that it's often more the habit than the desire of "playing wife". and i feed off his grateful response, which can be beautiful if intention is pure, but can be very "trapping" and habit-reinforcing otherwise. ugh.
my want and inclinations to practice poly have as much to do with figuring out (and loving) myself and all that's going on in the deep, dark, entangled inside of a human as it does loving the beauty of other humana in my circles....
WHAT am i DOING....?!
i'm not sure i'm even in the right place. i can be easily tossed about by heavy emotional storms....there's been a lot happen since i've been here a couple weeks ago.
quick recap for my own sake: for two years now i've been more or less coupled with Z, a man who has since become my closest friend, with whom i'm not and never have been in love, but whom i love very much. the progression of our relationship from "just friends" to "sexual friends" happened quickly and coincided with the end of my last relationship with a longtime friend of his, J.
Z and i have had our extreme ups and downs, but for the most part we are pretty level in our relationship at this point. i can't see us not staying at this level of friendship - admittedly, i'm afraid of such a rift occurring between us - because ours is the first male/female friendship i've ever really had where i can talk to him about absolutely anything, and even though voices may get raised and we may not come to a total understanding on whatever subject, he has caused me to believe in the deepest part of me that he won't abandon me as a friend. we may go back to being "just" friends; we may anger each other or not talk for a few days; but even when these things happen, we miss each other's presence. i appreciate him for his acceptance of the parts of me i don't want just anybody to know about; the parts i'm not proud of; the immature and childish parts.
to say: we're solid as friends.
i was in love with J, my ex, for a long time. even as we were breaking up two years ago, i may still have been in love with him. but i knew i couldn't really even attempt living a freer lifestyle while with him, so - break both our hearts though it did - i left. the fact that i hooked up with a mutual friend in the meantime was the match that lit the house on fire, causing The Fallout.
since then, J and i have been able to talk some and level quite a bit. but we both still love each other and sometimes it seems avoidance is the best tactic, esp at points when, say, we're hanging out at his house and playing video games, and time comes for me to leave, but i'd really rather stay the night with him, and just snuggle up to him and hold him tight all night like we used to. he can be lonely and depressed...and so can i. we were good medicine for each other's abandonment issues to be sure.
i love one of these men - Z - as my closest and best friend. we're often great with each other in bed, too. and we love snuggling each other. he's mono - book open and closed - but he's agreed to basically let me do whatever my heart leads me to do, because he knows i need this time in life to do just that, as long as i am blatantly honest with him about everything i do, whether before or after. i trust him completely; he is a rock for me, and we sharpen each other "as iron sharpens iron."
i love the other one - J - because i fell in love with him at a point when he was really low, and i found the goodness and softness of his heart before i realized i was physically attracted to him. in him i feel that "home" that stems from an intuitive recognition of the similarities in how we grew up, our "programming," all i see in him of my father, and how safe and cared for he makes me feel. he felt like "home" from day one....i just had to grow up and leave home to do other things, too.
problem is...the latter pretty much hates the former at this point because of how things went down, and the former has long since stopped trying to communicate or repair their friendship at this point because of the latter's constant refusal to reciprocate. there is nothing i can say or do to change this right now.
i've spent the past two years splitting my heart and soul between a) trying to put some of my focus on figuring out and digging into things i truly want; b) trying to be good to Z; and c) trying to repair any semblance of friendship/relationship with J.
initially there was a lot of pain, confusion, and general hell. two years later, i've gained strength, direction, clarity, courage, and sense of self. now i am happy...for the most part.
but i find i can't let J go in the deep parts of me, nor do i find the desire in me to latch onto and couple up with Z like i once did J.
these men are mono.
i DO get jealous, but i do love them both. i don't want to be owned. and as a result, even though i'm human and have my own programming to deal with, i'm willing to reciprocate. at least to try.
i am finding that my own poly identification is more on the emotional side than the sexual. i don't need more sex in my life. once in a while - maybe once a month - i awake with a real appetite for it. otherwise, it's a part of my life that i enjoy because i can please someone i love SO much with it.
(that's part of the reason Z decided to basically open our relationship FOR me, i think: he is very happy with what is between us, and after both of us solemnly mulling over one of my crazy, toeing-the-line, pressure-release-valve nights with friends several weeks ago, he sat me down and told me, "you do absolutely anything you truly want to do in the moment, because i don't ever want to take that away from you - i love the freedom of the creature you are. just be very honest with me about all you do, because as long as we are sleeping together, it all involves me." he knew that if i did not have this freedom, i would have to leave.)
a few months ago, when Z and i decided basically to change our "working title", i started hanging out more with J. we talked some about what was between myself and Z, both because he asked and because i felt he needed to know the truth.
in the past few years, i've gone from being a tell-you-as-little-as-i-can-get-away-with girl to a tell-you-way-too-much-unless-you-stop-me, because i was hiding things, lying, omitting, bending the truth. and it hurt people i loved, as well as myself. NOW, you get all you can take hearing from me until you shut me up or draw the line.
well, apparently J wanted to know, but he wanted to hear what he wanted to hear, too. for a while, we were talking daily, and hanging out once a week. then it slacked off...once it was apparent that i wasn't going to simply swing back into the ways of the old relationship we'd had, that if there was going to be anything between us, it was going to be a very different thing and require a lot of bending, working out, talking out, etc. eventually i didn't hear from him much.
it's not what he wants.
after it being weeks, maybe a month, since we exchanged more than a one-line text, i texted him today. got no reply. called him this evening, and he more or less flamed on me. told me without a doubt that he loves me and hates making me cry, but he can't stand the fact that i'm with Z, and probably couldn't stand it if i was with anyone else. that he loves me, misses me, misses having a friend who will really listen and sympathize, misses the way he could talk to me; the way we'd hold each other....
he felt like i got his hopes up. when i felt like i was telling him the truth about what was going on.
blah blah blah, i'm making myself cry again.
about once, sometimes twice a month, my missing him - that longing and wondering if our relationship had truly run its whole course - swells up in me and overwhelms me. and i'll make some contact with him, usually enough to feel okay and tell myself that we're okay as friends and we truly do care about each other, and then it'll die down enough and i'll get busy enough with life and Z and things i enjoy that i don't think too much about it....and then it'll swell up in me again.
lately i've found a little more of that fatherly/home sense in Z...but i feel like i'm trying to substitute. ugh.
so much for working polyamory. LOL pretty lame, huh? =/ feel like i'm going about things all wrong.
trying to make the best of it by throwing myself into creation mode with all this raw fodder...
Z and i had to call it off for real this week.
i pushed him away, and he accepted that. it was time. too much emotional rollercoaster for both of us, and i finally wore his patience thin.
he is my best friend. i miss him so much right now. all i can do is cry. i wish he would change his mind and just show up, but i know that wouldn't fix anything.
it would be like a drug: fix the immediate problem by taking another hit to make the withdrawals subside, but you're really adding to the ultimate problem by feeding it.
my therapist says we are finally getting down to the real work of it in going over my parents divorce and my early life. he says i have huge abandonment issues. i had only barely thought about this. i've always been told - and mostly believed - that i have commitment issues.
i've never thought of myself as wounded - only as one who wounded others. a voice in my head says that if i accept that idea, i'm only feeling sorry for myself, and that's no good.
i feel like i have been abandoned...but first by myself.
i told him i really wanted to come by his place after work and hug him, but i knew i would just cry all over him, although i didn't want to change his mind, and he was right; separation is best for both of us - so if he didn't want to meet up, that was okay, i understood.
his last text to me today was, "i don't think meeting one more time this evening would be a good idea for me. i'm sorry. please know that i do love you very, very much, and that's not going to change no matter what happens. don't worry about losing me forever or me turning against you, it just can't happen. this will work out in time and i'll be here for you no matter what, i promise."
i hold onto this right now like a sacred text, like a last letter from a loved one. i know, i'm being melodramatic. i still feel like someone has died, and i ache clear through to my bones.
maybe i really don't belong here, among all of you who can successfully love more than one person without clinging like this. right now i'm just posting to get it out of me.
going to sleep.
i read over my past posts the other day and saw where most of it seems to be so much anxious, whining running back & forth from one person's wishes to another's, with little to no clarity on my own part as to my own feelings and wishes.
have been going back to therapy and doing very well. it came to me recently that this phase of my life has been/is very much about teaching myself that i don't need someone else as a guide; that i can trust my own desires and intuition; my own common sense and experiential wisdom is plenty good enough to make my own decisions; and i can make them and blaze my own trails where needed.
i see where i've often stopped short of standing by decisions i've made and taking steps i've wanted to because of fear of hurting or alienating a loved one.
i see also where i've faked feelings and moved like a zombie through behaviors that i didn't really feel - out of feelings of shame, fear, and guilt.
i've spent enough time alone, both recently and in earlier years, that i have zero problem with it. at this point in my life, i'm more comfortable rolling solo than i am with another person for very long. i sleep alone easily. life is not difficult this way.
i'm just wrapping up reading Heinlein's "Stranger in a Strange Land." great book; recommended reading for anybody, not just potential polys. at one point in the reading, this billboard appeared center stage in my mind:
DROP THE GUILT.
so been trying that for a while. guilt seems to be the gateway to the other two (shame & fear). have been mostly successful at noticing when it arises, and then basically chucking it in the trash - choosing consciously to feel otherwise. it's been a godsend.
one man wants you for himself, and he steps up on his little soapbox when you speak how you feel. he speaks from his own narrowminded view of mainstream "morality." when i try to tell him everything, it's too much. when i tell him as little as he absolutely needs to know, it's too little and you've been withholding or lying. "if you love me, i don't see HOW you can love HIM."
really? then that's YOUR problem.
another says that it's great with him to be friends and have sex, but he draws the line at my sharing physical intimacy with another man, whether or not there is actual penetration. if that comes into the picture, he's got to leave and find another.
okay. then go your way, with my best wishes and love in my heart.
i've been taking what are babysteps for me. i've felt myself, my heart & spirit, opening up to possibilities unthought-of before. but even people who love you and want to share parts of their lives with you can still put too much pressure on you - whether or not they realize it - still to conform to their own ways, their wants. if you are an emotional sponge and a pleaser, like me, this can cause you to put pressure on YOURSELF, which is the LAST thing i've needed lately.
had to stop trying to please anybody else but myself for a while. sure it's selfish - in the healthiest way. it's been really good for me.
good to come back and catch up on some of you.
update. been a while.
so J and i went out last tuesday, had a few beers, and talked some. the conversation didn't get too heavy, but we're going riding motorcycles this afternoon, and i feel like it could and SHOULD get to that heavy place.
Z was really cool with me going out with J. i'd told him just previously that we'd seen a little much of each other/i hadn't been getting the solo time i needed, so by the time i'd gone out with J, we hadn't seen each other for a day or two, and it was another two before we saw each other again, but he (Z) responded to my date with J and my time alone with little more than a slight distance between us, plus he never failed to text me and just check in upon occasion, sending "good night" or "just reaching out to touch base " texts at least once a day. this kind of thing makes me feel very good about me, him, and the state of our relationship as friends + lovers.
it was just this past tuesday that J and i saw each other, and the energy was good. it'd been a couple of months since we'd seen each other, so there were feelings between us similar to NRE all over again. we laughed and goofed and talked about friends and life, but never really went into depth on the rest of our daily lives.
the last hangout session before this one didn't end well at all because neither of us wanted to talk about what was really going on in the rest of our lives because we knew it'd spoil the evening. J would get pissed that my mind and position hadn't changed from "i love you and miss you in my life, but i'm polyamorous" (explanation/description/s go/es here) "and i would love to see more of you, but there are a couple of other people i'm very close to and i won't sacrifice my other relationships or my autonomy for an exclusive one with you or anyone else."
friday (yesterday) J asked if we could hang out some this weekend. i said yes, that'd be great, and suggested the motorcycle ride if the weather cooperated. he said great.
i also had an interview friday morning for a job i'd REALLY like to have, so my nerves were a little shot to begin with, but then i got a text from Z (we'd been in touch via text all morning thus far) asking if we could talk some that evening. well, that just shot my nerves up even further, because our history is pretty replete with "i need to talk later" texts, which have in the past signaled some volcanic upheaval (and hard conversation makes me really emotional anyway!), and we're both worrywarts. so all day i worried about it, though i was pretty sure he needed a check-in talk about how i felt about J and where my intentions were.
turns out that was correct. we sat down on his couch last evening and i told him everything i felt: i love him (Z) very much, he is my best friend, and our relationship has been a continuing catalyst for growth in my life that i've needed very much, and i can't think of anything i want to change about us. also, that i still loved J very much, and i know i can be sentimental and nostalgic about him and our past relationship (Schrodinger's Cat is right: i have nurtured these feelings and sentiments whether i realized it or not); i know there is an unwillingness in my heart to let go of the possibility that he may wake up and really HEAR what i am saying, combined with what i am trying to show him and the life i am trying to live, and see the possibility that simultaneous intimate relationships with more than one person might work, and well - and that even if that's not the case for him, it may well be the case for ME. i haven't let go of the hope that he might someday be able to see me for who i am and realize that the similar feelings that i have for him and others are not a bad thing, but could possibly a very good thing.
i told Z straight up that i KNEW it was not a possibility at this time (and so not to think that i was asking or pushing in that direction), but if it were a possibility, i could and would be happy having a very similar relationship with J as i do with him. we talked about the details involving that, and i was right - for him, it is not a possibility at this time, and mostly because of J's refusal to be friends with Z at this point, although he conceded that it might be a possibility in the future - there is simply no way to know, it's hypothetical at best right now.
he also told me straight up that he thought i needed to lay ALL this out for J just as i had for him, without wavering. no letting up when the air got thick and things felt scary and tough. i know he's right; my gut says the same thing. i wonder now if it needs to happen this afternoon when i see J...or should i put it all in a letter, so that i can say EXACTLY what i feel and think, without the feedback loop of J's nonverbal responses to what i'm saying constantly influencing what comes out of my mouth and how it comes out?
but Z heard me, heard all this; he listened well and was gentle - things he knows i need. he was wonderful. i cried anyway, just because that's how i am. for clarification, he repeated back to me in his own words what he thought he'd heard.
i'm telling you...this guy is awesome. i am seriously grateful for his continued directness, and that he wants to be such a close friend to me.
then we had dinner and crashed out for the night.
i'm working this morning, but this afternoon J and i get together this afternoon. we'll see how things go. i think i'm about to start the letter.
Z has a gig tonight. i'm there. i love to go see/hear him play and support him and the rest of the guys in the band.
also: i was reading this post on Solopoly.com:
and what resonated with me was this:
"I would cling too strongly to my relationship, rather than develop a strong core of independent emotional awareness and resilience."
this underlined for me what i already kind of knew: i get blown about by all this because what i have so far FAILED to establish is that STRONG core. i've been journalling a lot about that lately and some interesting things have come to light...things for me to work on, ways to build that.
happy saturday, all.
after yet another cycle (breakup, back together, things go great, the same things are suddenly terrible and we're too close, i want out, breakup), Z asks me very gently if i know anything about Borderline Personality Disorder. (he said he'd never heard of it himself until he stumbled across it doing some of his own online research on poly.)
i read everything i can get my hands on about it for the next few days, and *BINGO*. it fits too well. most of it, except for the rage part. i'm very, very seldom to never filled with anger or rage - but i think that what happens is, what MIGHT have been anger gets subverted by feelings of helplessness and deep shame, and it comes out as gut-wrenching sorrow and despair.
and suicide: i've never tried to kill myself. there've been a handful times over the past few years (and a fewer times further back than that) that i've had suicidal thoughts. but i couldn't go through with it. and i never told him.
panic and anxiety; depression; huge mood swings in short times; frantic attempts to thwart (perceived) abandonment; compulsive behaviors; lack of identity; frequent changes in core values, friendships, careers, sexual identity; dissociation/depersonalization, and more...
"GET AWAY FROM ME - DON'T LEAVE ME!!"
so i guess i'm here to apologize for the messes i often was all over the page/screen....i don't think i ever really belonged here. i've been clinging hard to two men for three years now...not being the brutally honest, caring, responsible individuals that i see most others on this forum being.
have an appointment to get evaluated/tested for BPD. maybe i can start getting my shit straight instead of wallowing in place and dragging others with me.
I don't have BPD. I was, however, pretty much a mess.
Since I've posted here, I've spent considerable time on my own, which is what it took for me to get my head clear and clean up some of my emotional mess. I learned to recognize again when i was leaning on Z and others to provide answers or direction in my life. I was essentially putting the responsibility for my stability and happiness in others' hands, and then getting strung out and resentful when I was not stable, happy, or content. Learning to own my shit again, I guess is the essence of it.
My day gig is going well and I'm back into my music, writing and performing on a more regular basis again. I didn't realize how much not having that outlet was affecting me negatively.
My mind has been one of my worst enemies for a lot of my life. I've thought too much, thought things so far out, and found myself living in my head so much, instead of being present. Recently it's been easier to recognize this and bring myself back to what's actually happening here and now, instead of living out the cinema in my head.
Z and I are close still. Probably closer than ever since I haven't been acting quite like such a child. J and I are closer than we have been, and just friends. We keep in touch, talk a little more often, and when the opportunity has arisen for things to get dramatic...they haven't. Cliche or not, I have been closer to myself than I have in a long while, and it's...really nice. Things have been great in comparison to six months ago.
All for now.
I suppose I’m thoroughly Libra. It can take me a long time to gather my thoughts, get clear, and put them into words.
Things have been good. Autumn is my favorite season (again, Libra) – I love the way the chill creeps in, the days get shorter, the leaves turn shades of gold & fire and crackle as the wind blows through them and blows them across pavements and about your boots.
I feel calm and pretty clear most of the time.
Z and I took a week’s vacation to the mountains in the southwest in mid-October (coinciding with my bday), and we had a few wonderful days of relaxation and unwinding in a gorgeous environment. We rented a little house in the middle of nowhere – but close enough to a local grocer and several wineries/breweries that we got out and had some tasty fun. And the whole trip went great. Very easy; very tender and warm.
In the past, most of our vacations came out otherwise – with us needing to spend a week or so away from each other in the aftermath. It was great to have this one go well. Also, he kind of fell in love with a place that I fell in love with as a youngster – he sees the beauty in it like I do, feels its spell and draw. That made me smile.
A switch flipped for us sometime in the past few months. I worked to shut down my obsessive, circling thoughts, and he made a compromise that helped me believe that it’s possible to be with my best friend and still have other loves and romances and excitements in my life. He basically said, “I know you still love J, and he still loves you. So do what you feel. If you’re not threatened by [what could happen], I don’t want to be threatened by it either. You give [me] so much love that you deserve to have the love you want in your life.” I was moved to tears. What a beautiful and understanding man. I felt very close to him after that, and very grateful.
One of the things I love most about Z and our relationship: I feel that we can both view it as both a sheltering and comforting entity, a refuge and a nest, and as an instrument in facing and conquering our fears and deepening our empathy and compassion. When we started out together, the phrase “as iron sharpens iron” (Biblical quote ending with “so one man sharpens another”) would pop up very appropriately between us at times – because that’s what we seemed to do for each other. We were catalysts for change and self-improvement within each other. We’ve become very comfortable together – a blessing – but I find that my need for change and creation and “moving to the next thing” spurs him to do the same at times, and his tendencies toward boldness and clarity and simplicity whittle away at my indecisive and timid cloud in similar ways.
Since then, I’ve been out with J a few times, snuggled on the couch with him a couple of times, and stayed the night at his place once. We snuggled in his bed in pajamas. I wasn’t sure how far beyond that the line was, for Z and myself, and I wasn’t willing to risk Z feeling betrayed. Maybe there wasn’t a line…we left it vague…but I gauged it according to what I’d be comfortable enough with if our roles were reversed.
I fear losing Z by being true to my own wants and needs sometimes, and that is often a big obstacle – my fears can keep me from acting. This is one of my personal huge obstacles in life. I don’t want to someday regret things I did NOT do that I really wanted to. He’s shown me that we can communicate about everything without my having to fear judgment from him. Old habits are hard to break, though.
It would make things so easy to simply want, love, and be with one person for a long time. Sometimes, when things get muddy and/or difficult, I wish that’s what I wanted, what fed me. Later, when the fog lifts and I’ve pushed through some of my own mental or emotional mess, I wouldn’t wish away the difficulties or the pains for anything. Crossing to the other side and coming out of it all victorious, after having faced down and dealt with your demons, feels wonderful. I feel my own strength, feel it growing.
i started this blog back when because i was curious as to whether i was "polyamorous" or not, and also because i was a mess: fresh out of a breakup from hell, finding myself smack in the middle of another relationship that i was neither ready for nor desirous of being in, grieving and yet unable to grieve for all my trying to keep it together in public and act like i knew what i was doing and was fine. i had gone off the deep end and was trying to hide it.
had no idea what i wanted, except that it wasn't what i'd had previously and it wasn't what i had at that point, either.
had spent most of my life into adulthood looking for someone on whose head & shoulders to place the burdensome laurel and robe of the authority (responsibility for my desires, dreams, aspirations, decisions, direction, determination, etc) i should have been taking for myself, and sporadically finding man after man after man who (mostly unwittingly and unawares) took on those articles and the roles they represented. i would spend most of my energy and time caught up in the cycle of idolizing, pleasing, nurturing, self-sacrificing, caretaking, becoming unsatisfied with, resenting, repressing, exploding, offending, displeasing, freaking out, crawling, grovelling, making my way "back into the fold", apologizing, making amends, pleasing, idolizing, self-sacrificing...you get the drift.
recently i discovered that i'd held the unconscious belief that if i was "good", if i took care of a man/men, if i did what i saw the equally frustrated female role models in my life do, i'd somehow (magically?) eventually be rewarded with what i wanted and needed in life: approval, achievement, validation, love, fulfillment of my desires, etc. whack thing is: it obviously never worked for those female figures in my life, either. guess i thought i'd somehow succeed if i worked harder, harder, harder; held out longer, outsmarted circumstance and fate....
mess, mess, mess.
a month or so ago, i bottomed out again. found myself looking to Z with all my frustrations. realized i was basically always looking to him (before this, i was looking to other men/another man - there's always been a man) for permission to do what i felt i wanted to do; to follow my natural curiosity, to follow a lead or desire, etc. bottom line was that i was looking for him to grant me permission to do things that a child would be afraid she'd get in trouble for.
i realized i'd given this guy the keys to my will. i'd handed my authority over to another person. i'd been doing it all my life. no wonder i stayed mostly unsatisfied. no wonder i only ever got tiny tastes of things that tickled my fancy, and usually with plenty of deceit and track-covering. no wonder i didn't know what i wanted - i was afraid to go explore and find out.
always waiting for permission. and i was passive-aggressive about it, too. i was usually more afraid than not to even mention things i wanted or feelings i believed were taboo or "wrong". i somehow expected whomever my current authority figure was to more or less read my mind, do the work to decipher my hints, and to present me with the keys to get out of my own prison of fear and belief and let me go, give me their blessing to go about my way, preferably with the assurance that they would be only steps behind me if i stumbled, lost my way, found myself overcome with fear, made any big mistakes, etc.
oh, christ. daddy. where the hell did i get all this bullshit? who installed this OS and why am i only becoming aware of it? and what's it gonna take to comb through it and find what's worth keeping and chuck what isn't? how much discomfort and fear and anxiety am i going to have to go through to root out bullshit beliefs that are holding me back and helping maintain periods of my own misery (and my lovers'), and how much more to identify/design new habits to create new beliefs that will keep my keys in my own hands and responsibility for myself on my own shoulders?
plenty, i'm sure. all of which will be absolutely and completely worth it.
so i start spending more time on my own. start doing things that, although stepping outside the lines makes me uncomfortable, also satisfy my curiosities and leave me walking a little taller afterward. i start speaking my most honest thoughts and feelings - with tact, but without regard for controlling the outcome, letting the chips fall where they will.
i do more research and come across a few very helpful books on female authority and desire (specifically these, both of which i highly recommend for anyone who's curious or having the same issues):
**Women and Desire: Beyond Wanting to be Wanted (Young-Eisendrath)
**Female Authority: Empowering Women Through Psychotherapy (Young-Eisendrath & Wiedemann)
i read and read and read. i identify. i self-examine...a lot of self-examination. i write and write and write.
i spend time alone and with people other than Z and J. i spend time alone and sober when i feel like i'll jump out of my skin with anxiety if i spend another minute alone or without a drink. i make myself put my finger on exactly what's making me shake with anxiety. i wait, and wait, and occupy my hands and mind with various crafts and writing (lyrics, poetry, journalling), again putting my fingers on and giving names to each emotion i'm feeling and each physical sensation as it arises. i'm asleep relatively early and up long before the sun, and getting back into my early-morning routine of rising and readying slowly for work, listening to easy music and puttering about some, injects a good amount of feeling in-control of myself and my day, my time, back into me and my stream of consciousness. i have hot tea in the evenings and occupy myself again with some craft until i've steadied mind and heart and hands and breath enough to let all wander naturally to doing what they want to do, until i feel no compulsion to rein them in for the supposed sake of another's feelings, of a relationship, of my own self-worth reflected in another's eyes. i get steadier and i come back under my own wing, and i go have a beer and read and write and converse a little after work, and i come home to my own home - not empty now, but filled with my own presence and evidence thereof - later in the evening, with less and less anxiety now as i ready myself for bed and unwind. put myself to bed, missing the presence of Z's warmth for a bit before i fall asleep; maybe overwhelmed with loneliness for a moment or two before the edge is taken off by drowsiness and sleep. i sleep hard, or maybe i'm racked with dreams and fitful waking, but i wake in the morning, manually remove my mind from whatever it's in the habit of chewing forcefully upon, and set it about readying for my day. i keep myself occupied, but i let emotions come and pass and i deal with it as they do. i name them. i take a break from my day if they get overwhelming, go off by myself, and deal with them alone when i must.
with all this work, i've begun feeling again that i'm in control of me, of my life, of my choices, and that i need no one else's permission. for anything (that doesn't directly involve them, of course).
things are a LOT better lately, over the past few weeks. i FEEL better. i'm clearer on what i want and what i don't, and the lines and gulfs in between. i see that i'm clearer on what those close to me want and don't also, and the lines and gulfs in between.
i do think that Libras can be/come sponges, "soaking up" a lot (to too much) of those around whom they spend a lot of time. a Libra woman may be more so. and of course, it may have jack to do with the astrology too, but i'll put my stock where i like.
eventually we are saturated, and in order to stay healthy, we have to dry out, whatever that takes and however it's best done on an individual level.
at this point i can feel empathy with those i'm close to, and when they are sad or despondent, i can sympathize, but i don't get too far down into it and wallow in sadness with them...or not for more than a minute. i don't try to commit sympathetic emotional suicide at this point; i make sure my own footing is secure and my grip is strong and my mind is clear, and i try to help by sweeping away the irrelevant and the piteous and by reaching in and offering a lifeline, to be taken only if someone truly wants to pull themselves out of the muck and mire. yes, i have an ear to listen when someone needs to talk it all out, but i keep check on myself and try not to absorb or get absorbed.
i'm probably over-cautious, hyper-vigilant, at times right now. but i also feel it pays to be. i don't beat up on myself when i slide backward into conditioned thought and compulsive response or action, but i notice it. i name it. i remind myself that, at all times, i'm the one who holds the keys - and the ONLY one. everything i do is by choice, and if i've slidden back into circumstances or action or thought that cause me to feel helpless and victimized in any way, it's because i've made the choice/s that got me there. all i have to do is stop, realize, choose my next step and my next direction, and go.
freedom is one choice and one beginning step away at all times.
there: a lot about me and what i've been doing.
and, of course...i regularly come back here and read, gaining insight and vicarious experience through the blessing that is online blogging and sharing.
peace, err'body. happy holidays too!
Last edited by BlackMagicBlonde; 12-01-2013 at 05:44 PM.
After nearly four years of on & off (mostly on) with Z and continually thinking/feeling like I wanted to have some kind of intimate/sexual relationship with both him *and* J, I realized (I think Z and I both did) that "something had to change in order for something to change". So I gave a month's notice at my job and decided to move out of state temporarily.
It was not all relationship stuff that prompted the move. With my job, relationship/s, social life (friends), extracurricular activities, and just too much thinking/fretting/worrying/going in circles about most of the above, I had zero time and motivation to focus my art and creativity, which is a necessary, core part of my life (and gods know I've got plenty of stuff to untangle and express at this point).
I know I'm an idealist and pretty much a die-hard romantic. Aside from knowing that I would be happy being intimate with both Z and J, there was plenty of other stuff that I wasn't so clear about. I figured removing myself from the situation altogether - getting far enough away that I couldn't pick it up and "try again", mess with it, get involved, or be somehow coaxed back into it - would give me & them both time and space to see just what was there and what wasn't. We'll see what comes out in the wash.
In the meantime (I've been here 3 days now, on the outskirts of a small city settled in the high-desert mountains), I've already made MASSIVE progress on my guitar-playing, written and tracked two songs, and dropped just about all my anxiety and racing thoughts altogether.
It was a very selfish decision, and I do miss a few people and some very sweet things, but I do NOT miss all the tension, headache, heartache, pressure, and indecision I experienced on the daily.
That's the ketchup, for now.
Oh yeah - I'm not a die-hard follower of or subscriber to astrology, but I do get a great kick out of it when my weekly horoscope lines up with what's going on in my life and/or how I feel, and the one I got right as I was leaving home was Right. On. The. Money.
Blessings to all you guys.
Big love and tenderness to G, J, and my family back home.