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Old 05-30-2012, 06:00 AM
Yumi Yumi is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Oregon
Posts: 8
Default Exploring and Loving openly. Or trying to.

This will probably start with rambling. Not the best story teller, I jump around a lot.

I am mono and have been dating a poly male for almost a year, our relationship is open. He is married, and his wife is also poly.

I had never head of polyamory before I met the two of them almost three years ago, so I knew they were poly before really getting to know them and becoming friends with them - and getting involved with him. It has definitely been a learning experience with its upsides and downsides. One of the more consistent downsides for myself personally is seeking advice and simply talking about polyamory and different aspects - as they are the only two whom I know well enough to seek out for advice, however at times I find it more beneficial to get a perspective that is outside of the relationship.

My personality is that I don't naturally express my every emotion, feeling, or thought - or at the very least the majority of them; due to my upbringing. Which has been a positive with this relationship, because it has forced me to confront them and express them - lest he thinks that I don't care. On the other hand I simply feel overwhelmed at times in terms of the learning curve - as they have been poly for multiple years running and were before they took a break and went mono to conceive their child. So they have plenty of experience with dealing with the different aspects of poly, and I am still learning - and just when I think I am comfortable and establishing a rhythm so to speak, I am confronted with something else that I wasn't aware of. At times I think he forgets that I am relatively new, and myself I am not poly - I'm mono.

The both of us have busy schedules and we live about an hour away, though I'm moving in about two weeks. So spending time together is maybe once a week, or once every two weeks or once a month - very sporadic and very limited time; usually a handful of others. Because of our time constraints, time spent together is usually shared by the company of other people - so private time of just the two of us is rather infrequent.

There have been two incidences where they discussed and evaluated their current relationships with people and made changes or were going to - and I didn't find out about this (since it does concern me to some degree) days or weeks after the fact.

I know that he dates and has sex with other females, his wife has one girlfriend that I know of - and they do have threesomes occasionally. Though I identify as hetero for the time being - my 'boyfriend' and his wife have had a date with all three of us, and a couple of times we had a 'threesome', though here and myself didn't actively engage in sex with each other. This date was the direct response to me not feeling that his wife and I had connected as well as we could be, which he realized after her and I had spent time together, that he had felt like we were two ships passing in the night. As usually when him and myself spent time together we never really included her schedule into the mix, to allow for time for all three of us to spend time together.

I've read Ethical Slut, and have read threads on here - but for the most part it seems to be from the perspective of those whom are poly, and since I am mono it doesn't seem to translate entirely.


I have been wondering, what I suppose 'rights' do the mono's have when involved with a person whom is poly and in a relationship? It seems to me, that with this relationship - whether or not it ends from his side is entirely dependent on what they decide as a couple, and I don't seem to get a say or opinion in the matter - nor does it seem like I would be directly informed of their decision. I respect that they need to make decisions as a couple to keep their relationship healthy and the both of them happy - but it makes me feel powerless and at times.. like I'm perpetually waiting for the ax to fall.

Lately, he has gotten much more busy - and told me that he felt guilty taking social time from his busy schedule. I tried arranging for a time for use to spend time together, and his only suggestion was a party they were throwing - there seemed to be an aversion or unwillingness to spend time with me solo, without it being a 'kill two birds with one stone' kind of thing. The next day he showed up at a mutual friends house for game night - and it had me wondering.. what is going on? He has also gone on a date with another girl and spent time with another friend - both solo times. Again, it had me wondering.. is he not 'allowed' to spend time with me, if we aren't working on a mutual project together? I am very unsure how to bring this up without sounding accusatory.

Before I became involved with him, I did not think that I could ever feel deeply for someone again - my last committed relationship had my heart stomped to pieces. So when I became involved with him and developed feelings for him - it shocked me. It also terrified me, because I recalled the ending of my last relationship.

I am apparently not his type at all - well I am his type, ten years ago. Currently he is into 'ethnic' females, the best way I suppose to say it, and those whom tend to have a more boyish figure. I'm blonde and curvy.

One of my biggest problems I suppose with the entire situation, is trying to make the transition from a lifetime of mono paradigm to a poly paradigm. I also didn't heavily date prior to him, so my general relationship experience is not as much as his - he is also twelve years older than I. So like I said previously, at times I simply feel overwhelmed with new things and trying to navigate a new creek with no map, and no paddle on occasion either. Lost to put it simply. Prior relationships, we would be able to see each other whenever we wanted, and multiple times a week if we weren't living together. This, we have to schedule in advance, and I'm not sure what frequency is 'appropriate', because I'm still not sure precisely what our relationship is - we don't define as 'boyfriend/girlfriend', lovers I guess. When I like someone - love them, I like to spend time with them. So at times since I am unsure on the 'appropriate frequency' I feel like a nag, or needy, since I never feel like the few hours together when they do happen are enough. Which has made me think that myself branching out into other relationships would be a good idea, or at least an attempt at - however I am not sure if I am capable to handle that, without hurting someone.

He told me that it is unfair how much he likes me, I don't know what that means, and after he explained I still am not sure of the meaning.

At times, I question whether or not this is truly for me. I love him and care for him deeply. I also love and care for his wife. However I want to be at least a top ten priority in someone's life, and while I appreciate he feels comfortable telling me about his other girls, or experiences with other girls - it brings up the green monster of jealousy - which I keep to myself. I've actively been trying to get to the bottom of why I get jealous, but mostly I just feel terrible and don't get very far.

Another point to add, is that they both identify as hippies and are both quite social and share their love openly. I am pretty much the opposite, though have been trying to be more open with my emotions and feelings.

Long blog post.
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