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  #11  
Old 05-28-2012, 12:48 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Km34,

Don't they breed like rabbits .......just cut that down by 1 kid per wife and go to legal zoom or something ....500 for a divorce ...that's cheap everyother year. Whats a marriage license cost? 25...30

Jane,

Yes .....if you use zeph's model you're on the hook for alimony for your bf. He enjoys a certain lifestyle that you provided and he deserves to continue that ...sorry pay the man.
In fact wouldnt a strict feminist argue there should be no gender bias?

Has anyone ever met or hear of lawyers being in poly relationships?
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  #12  
Old 05-28-2012, 01:18 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
In fact wouldnt a strict feminist argue there should be no gender bias?
Which is my point exactly. We are all adults engaging in adult relationships. We are each individually responsible for our own mental/physical/emotional/financial/etc. health. We can try to help others maintain their health in these arenas - but it is the ultimate responsibility of the individual to make sure their needs are getting met.

When we are involved with someone we come to agreements as to how stuff gets paid for. When you are dating someone - the restaurant bill gets paid - who pays it (one person, the other person, both people - do they split the bill evenly or just pay for what they got)? This applies on a larger scale to relationships past the dating stage. Where the money comes from and how stuff gets paid for are things that are negotiated within the relationship(s).

When/if the relationship ends - why would anyone expect that the financial set up agreed to inside the relationship would persist? UNLESS there was a prior agreement (pre-nup-esque) that all parties had agreed to. There are, of course, legal statutes dictating exactly this...if any of the people involved happen to be legally married (and it would behoove married people to be somewhat familiar with what they are wherever they are living). (Another case IMO where the government is meddling in things that could be easily covered by civil contracts...but that is another tangent.)

The gender of the involved parties is irrelevant. Which is why I posted my situation as a counter-weight to the original scenario. If someone feels that I wouldn't/shouldn't be on the hook for Dude's expenses if he breaks up with me/I break up with him/ we amicable go our separate ways - then why would they feel that the "other wife" in the first scenario is entitled to compensation?

Now I'm not saying that someone can't just decide to be nice and pay for "other wife" to fly back to her family - just that I don't think it is REQUIRED and she shouldn't count on it.

JaneQ
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 05-28-2012 at 01:29 PM.
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  #13  
Old 05-28-2012, 08:08 PM
km34 km34 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Km34,

Don't they breed like rabbits .......just cut that down by 1 kid per wife and go to legal zoom or something ....500 for a divorce ...that's cheap everyother year. Whats a marriage license cost? 25...30

...

Has anyone ever met or hear of lawyers being in poly relationships?
Every dollar makes a huge difference when you budget it all out to make sure you can survive. Also, I find the whole "breeding like rabbits" thing to be in rather poor taste. Many religious people don't believe in using contraception unless it is for health reasons or in other extreme cases. Being able to afford a divorce and marriage every other year would not be an extreme case.

I would think most lawyers would avoid poly relationships since it could hurt their professional life so much.
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  #14  
Old 05-29-2012, 08:32 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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How many kids there are doesn't matter that much. As soon as there is one kid, divorce becomes a much more complicated issue. And if they caught you getting married and divorcing all the time, they might very well take away your children because you're "unstable".

I think unless the husband caused the wife to be unable to work, he doesn't owe her money. He does need to help provide for any children he has, because they can't work, but any adult can work, and if they can they might receive welfare. I don't think you need to be responsible for people you have been with after the breakup, they're adults and can find a job, not necessarily a good one, but they need to take their own responsibilities.

I believe it should be the same regardless of the genders involved.

Certainly, helping an ex out until they find a job is a nice gesture (be it financially or by letting them stay in your place, or whatever) but I don't think it's something that should be required between two grown independent adults.
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  #15  
Old 05-29-2012, 04:42 PM
zephyrrine zephyrrine is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
Just for the hell of it - let's put it the other direction and see if you/we feel differently.

In our Vee I am the only one who produces a significant income. The three of us live quite comfortable on that income so neither of them is under any pressure to contribute to the communal coffers - although they are free to do so (neither is particularly disposed to regular employment - neither is seeking such - I am not pushing for it/ negating it - I view it as a personal decision - I like having them available whenever I want their company vs. I would like the additional financial support, it's pretty even). There are no kids to consider. I pay all of the communal bills from our communal funds - funded by my income. They each have credit cards that they can use to purchase items for themselves or communal use (within reason - large purchases are expected to be discussed.)

In addition to the above - my legal husband (of 16 years) has his own credit card and each month I put a set amount of "fun money" into his private account for him(them? - I don't know if they have any arrangement between them) to spend on luxuries (we laughingly call this "hookers and drugs" money - acknowledging that he doesn't need to account to me how this money is spent). He is expected to pay his own credit card from this account, which includes any money that he generates independently. In addition I fund his Roth IRA maximally every year.

Dude has his own credit card and bank account which I have nothing to do with. Obviously he benefits financially by having room/board/routine living expenses covered without contributing financially to the household. Any money that he generates is his to do with whatever he wants.

The boys are expected to deal with routine "staying at home" duties while I am working - home/car maintenance, shopping, cooking, taking the dogs to the vet, etc. If one of them got a job I would expect them to contribute to the communal coffers and their "at home" duty expectation would be reduced based on the amount of time that they weren't "at home".

So? If one of my "husbands" elects to leave the household, or I can no longer maintain a relationship with them (for whatever reason) am I expected to "provide for" them in some way just because I have chosen to/ agreed to do so in the past? Why or why not?

Jane("Just Askin'")Q
IMPO you don't have to take care of anyone regardless of how your relationship function. it just seems that if you and your other partners decided that one person didn't work for the dynamic you want and they were largely dependent on you, I feel the least that should be done is helping them with their basic needs even if it is a one time set up. it doesn't have to constitute monthly alimony. you wouldn't pay all their bills and let them have credit cards but when you are suddenly out on your own after being in a committed relationship that you were cast out of it seems only right that help would be offered.
I'm not saying if poly/plyg became legal it should be mandatory but I do think couples should consider it. Maybe less people would think that this is just for fun and sex and realize there is an actual commitment and work if they looked at it from this point of view.
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  #16  
Old 05-29-2012, 05:18 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by km34 View Post

I would think most lawyers would avoid poly relationships since it could hurt their professional life so much.
this made me laugh ....are you saying it might damage their reputations??..(thats the funny part). I was thinking of the legal exposure of all this stuff. These very entanglements...living arrangements, etc.


How many kids does that guy have? the TV guy? Typically these polygamist have little tiny families.... orrrrr 4-5 kids per wife ??? Might be distasteful yet true. I mentioned it as a way to defray costs. Everything is a choice right....to marry ...to divorce ...to reproduce 1 or 6..... Equality....or lip service.
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  #17  
Old 05-29-2012, 07:33 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
I think unless the husband caused the wife to be unable to work, he doesn't owe her money.
Define "caused" My husband didn't tie me up and put me in a closest, but plenty of families make the decision that the lower-earning parent will stay home with the kid(s) (childcare is EXPENSIVE) for at least a few years. In a lot of cases (still, unfortunately) the husband has a higher-paying job than the wife.

This is a ridiculous job-market. I have a bachelor's degree and two teaching credentials and after being home with my younger child for 2 years (because, sexism aside, a programmer will pretty much always make more than a teacher, so I stayed home even though MC would LOVE to be a SAHD!) I'm pretty much screwed in terms of getting back into my field. There are tons of teachers searching for jobs with more or more recent experience than I have.

So if something happened where MC and I separated, I absolutely think he'd need to provide not only basic child support but some sort of additional financial assistance at least for a year or two while I tried to get a job that would pay enough to still have some left over after paying taxes and childcare.

(Obviously this is all for a separation where kids are involved and care of those kids has affected one's participation in the job market.)
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  #18  
Old 05-29-2012, 10:23 PM
zylya zylya is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray View Post
Define "caused" My husband didn't tie me up and put me in a closest, but plenty of families make the decision that the lower-earning parent will stay home with the kid(s) (childcare is EXPENSIVE) for at least a few years. In a lot of cases (still, unfortunately) the husband has a higher-paying job than the wife.
At my work, the last three girls who have had kids have all done the child-care for the majority, even though, in all three cases, she earned more than he did.

For me, I believe that child support is a fair payment, anything else is totally down to the people involved. While you might have made the decision to stay at home on financial grounds, there was still the options of the other partner (or partners in some poly situations) staying at home instead or using both (or more) incomes to pay for childcare. The decision that you made included you knowing that your earning potential might be reduced for an amount of time when you were due to return to the workforce. That said, child support should definitely include any external childcare costs (e.g. nursery).
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  #19  
Old 06-07-2012, 08:30 PM
quiet2girl2 quiet2girl2 is offline
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"should you provide for one of them if he decideds to leave"

I think this is the kind of thing you need to discuss now, while things are good. But to me it depends on if you've made any sort of promises to either of them. if you ever said "oh come live with me and you won't have to work" to either of them, then yes you should give them some cash if they leave. otherwise nope
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