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  #201  
Old 05-25-2012, 11:34 PM
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mrspolyamorous mrspolyamorous is offline
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It's difficult for some STIs to live in a vaginal cuff as they do their survival and damage is mostly done to the cervix, uterus, fallopian tubes such as PID, Chlamydia and other infections and bacteria like that. My risk for those types of problems are lower than a person who does have a cervix, uterus and tubes. I have a vaginal cuff with no area for some of those things to latch onto and do their damage. Does this make me invincible, not in the least.

This is statistical mathematical risk taking. Some things cause the numbers to rise against them or work in their favor. Let's not derail an entire topic on STIs. But, I see the point you are trying to make. I use condoms and I get tested like I should if i am going to be in a non-mono situation.

But for someone else who carries the risk of getting pregnant by a married man (even with condom use) and other issues that could be far more damaging to take that sort of risk, well, that woman also has more to consider than I do. That was simply the point I was trying to make. Weighing heavily the options and which risks are worth it.

Also, as mentioned earlier. I wouldn't dream of cheating on my spouse, not the one I have. He is quite open, honest and communicative. I am treated well. He would admit to feeling the same way. So it's not something I worry myself about.

And as for counseling that others should do, sure, that's ideal too. I wouldn't be afraid of talking to a counselor but I know there are people like my Dad who will not approve of my mom seeing a counselor or them seeing one together. It is against all of his beliefs he was raised with to keep problems under the rug. It's also against the type of religious belief he has that God will provide you with the answers and if he doesn't then he will grant you the "grace" to get through it. My mom is seeing a therapist without his knowledge just to deal with her issues because she knows she needs to do it. I will be discreet about that information between my parents also. So there are spouses that wouldn't dream of going to share their problems with a 3rd person. And the problems will just continue to exist. If i happen to choose to be with a person who is with someone who refuses to get help or even acknowledge their pre-existing issues, that is my business. If i fall out of respect with some people for knowing this, so be it.

But I know there are a handful that are not burdened constantly with the feelings of others the same way that you might be compelled to do so. Maybe our conscience is tuned a little differently. Where as something like not putting your basket in the receptacle in the parking lot at the store would be grounds for me to examine a person because maybe they will be cutting a lot of corners in our relationship when no one is looking. Right? The truth is we all have something we won't tolerate or stand for at all. I happen to not be on the same page as some of you about it.

And as for the wife of the guy I was talking to who wanted to pair up with me and my husband or me at the very least with her alone or with her and her husband, well she would not consider my talking to her husband about sexual fantasies on their facebook to have been cheating. It was a red flag for her to bring up with her husband since he was living on the couch at that point due to existing circumstances. He was promptly allowed back in their bed after a long talk about both of their feelings about where their marriage was going. I didn't set out to do that. It managed to work out that way. I stepped out of the picture once I saw their motivation to work things out. I don't need her husband in my life to be happy. But we connected on a level that would be considered cheating to some sure.
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Me: 32, bi, female, married 14 years to R.
R: 33, hetero male who is polyfriendly, NSA friendly under the right circumstances.
S: The child R and I have together.
Neither have found the partner(s) we would like to merge villages with. In the meantime we are exploring our collective sexuality to find a frequency that feels right.

Last edited by mrspolyamorous; 05-25-2012 at 11:52 PM. Reason: I add too much after reading
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  #202  
Old 05-28-2012, 08:32 AM
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Alleycat Alleycat is offline
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As a general rule I wont enter into a relationship with someone who is actively cheating.

That being said; for a brief period a few years ago I was involved with a long time friend who was cheating on their long-term significant other. (also a long time friend of mine)

Tragically her long term partner had become a drug addled waste of air that was half a step away from outright psychotic lunacy and as a result was an ongoing drain on her emotionally and spiritually (as well and financially.)

One of the major issues he had developed was a major phobia of physical contact, especially any kind of contact of an intimate nature.

As a result, she had become starved for even a small measure of touch.
This is what really made the relationship unbearable for her.

Her significant other had long ago stopped being a life-partner and had become something more akin to a parasitic man-child that she had to look after. Their relationship had become essentially loveless, and toxic for her.
She still loved the guy to death though and couldn't bring herself to do much more than look after him and stay with him out of habit no matter how much of a toll it was taking on her.

Thing between us kind of just fell into place. At first she needed to cuddle and just be able to verbally vent to someone that could listen and that wasn't convinced bugs were crawling over the walls in the dark. Things quickly escalated into sex, I think in hindsight; as mostly a method for her to feel some physical validation and release. There wasn't much romance per-say. Intimacy yes, but not much romance.

She was in a one sided relationship and was lonely to death. I was a convenient friend that could provide some benefits under the guise of discretion.

After a while things had to come to an end, we were both beginning to feel very guilty about our behaviour, and she really had to begin to move her life forward and what we had going on was proving to be too much of an exercise in escaping from reality.

Really that was that. We went back to being six-pack buddies again without the fucking and cuddling, She had decided to begin the process of separating from him and taking the steps to move him into a long-term care situation and moving on.

Kind of lost touch with her unfortunately, last I knew she had hooked up with someone else, ended up following a job opportunity and moved to another city.


Was it cheating? yes.

we were both lying by omission about what exactly we were doing, at least to her partner (mine were aware).

Was it for a positive or healthy cause or reason?

I'd like to think so.

Does that justify everything that went on?

Maybe. I'm not entirely sure.
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  #203  
Old 05-29-2012, 12:04 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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For me it is. I acknowledge the lots of gray in this area and that an ethical cheating situation is possible. But it's not a place I would go knowingly. And if it was unknowingly I would be seriously pissed off.
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  #204  
Old 05-29-2012, 03:01 AM
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LotusesandRoses LotusesandRoses is offline
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I won't be friends with someone who's cheating, let alone date them.
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  #205  
Old 05-29-2012, 08:24 AM
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mrspolyamorous mrspolyamorous is offline
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After some research on the traditional views of poly, I am not sure what the future holds for me but it's really hard to stay in one mindset when you are filling your head with knowledge about a particular subject. I feel like a hybrid to a degree and I believe I've been in the swinging arena more times than I've been in the poly arena but I have indeed been gaining some ground in t hat area as well. I like both but ultimately I would prefer to have full disclosure for all parties involved and I have no doubt we can find that. I suppose due to the exploration period we are in, we have been apt to believe that you can somehow avoid excluding potentials based on their disclosure status. In the end I am not sure if this is something we could continue to do under the same belief that we are headed in the right direction towards ultimate polyamorousness with someone long term. I believe it would prevent us from getting what we eventually want.

Note that the community here has helped me gain more knowledge on what poly can mean to different people and I've had to open up my mind to more possibilities and at the same time close my mind to possibilities. It's pretty emotional and exhausting but I know there are some answers to my questions. I just need to lurk through old posts and do some searches on the internet and read some blogs.

My husband and I are to the point where we are having to come to the crossroads about what "we" want. Not just what I want or he wants. We can't say "You are going to California and I am going to New York, let's go together!" it makes no sense not to be on the same page. Be patient with me as I work through these questions of traditional poly ethical behavior and determine if I'm even in the right community for what I am ultimately trying to accomplish.
__________________
Me: 32, bi, female, married 14 years to R.
R: 33, hetero male who is polyfriendly, NSA friendly under the right circumstances.
S: The child R and I have together.
Neither have found the partner(s) we would like to merge villages with. In the meantime we are exploring our collective sexuality to find a frequency that feels right.

Last edited by mrspolyamorous; 05-29-2012 at 12:01 PM. Reason: Researching and rehashing.
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  #206  
Old 05-29-2012, 03:34 PM
Nudibranch Nudibranch is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyCurious4 View Post
I'm just curious where others stand on this topic? Would this be a deal breaker for you when determining if you get involved with someone or not?
If they'll cheat on others, they'll eventually cheat on you. The corollary there is, if you accept them cheating on others, or on you,...then don't call me at 2 in the morning with a tale of woe about all that when it snakes around and fangs your glutes.

I prefer my relationships like whiskey: straight up, not on the rocks, and of the highest quality I can afford. Life is already too complicated and full of surprises. In my view, cheating is lying, and lying is the way people dynamite short cuts through the mountainous terrain of another person's personality/reality. It's a sort of selfishness that can be exciting...but not very sustaining.

IME, at the end of the day, micro-honesty is an even riskier and more exciting journey than lying.
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  #207  
Old 05-29-2012, 03:39 PM
Nudibranch Nudibranch is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ready2Fly View Post
I do think that suffering is built into strict monogamy, though, because it's the natural desire of humans to want to make intimate connections with people around them. When that desire arises, strict monogamy reduces your choices to betraying your partner by acting on it, or betraying yourself by suppressing the desire.
This assumes that everyone has a desire pattern such as--apparently--yours is.

I've known many people--and was one for 15 years--who never looked at another person besides their partner and was as happy with that as I was at other times when I had intimate connections with other people.

I will note however that a lot of monogamous people DO have "intimate connections" of various sorts. They just may not look like sex.

Then again, I detest generalizations such as "it's the natural desire of humans to want Thing X." Case in point: I know a lot of introverts who are absolutely at their happiest and most creative when they don't have to deal with other people at all.
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  #208  
Old 05-29-2012, 03:53 PM
BrandonWin BrandonWin is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LotusesandRoses View Post
I won't be friends with someone who's cheating, let alone date them.
This, all the way. A person who is genuinely cheating is lying to someone. I just can't abide that. - bw
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  #209  
Old 05-29-2012, 06:08 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
I acknowledge the lots of gray in this area and that an ethical cheating situation is possible.
I just can not for the life of me imagine a situation where the term "ethical cheating" could be used. I hear that and it sounds like "legally illegal". none of the examples I have read in this or any other thread could even remotely be called "ethical" in my books.

But those are my ethics... YMMV, of course.
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  #210  
Old 05-29-2012, 06:33 PM
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Arrowbound Arrowbound is offline
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Not at all. Even when we were mono (in practice) he knew there was no ownership and continues to know. I belong to me. He belongs to him. It has always been that way and will continue to be that way.

I hate overblown statements like that. Like you gotta be kidding me.
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