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Old 05-28-2012, 11:18 PM
Devotpohats's Avatar
Devotpohats Devotpohats is offline
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 8
Default Confidentiality within poly relationships

Hi guys. This is my first post here, and I'm very new to the poly community. Forums like yours have been hugely helpful for both myself and my partner, and I can't thank you all enough for that.

My fiance and I have been together for about three and a half years, and over that time I've gradually come to realize that I'm poly. We're still completely monogamous so far, but she's been hugely supportive, and is doing lots of reading and thinking herself on the subject. I'm not sure if she's poly herself, but even just being able to talk openly with her about my feeling has been fantastic, and not something I've ever been able to do in past relationships. I'm incredibly lucky to have her.

Gushing aside, there is one aspect of poly relationships (whether they be closed triads/quads or primary/secondary type relationships) that I haven't seen discussed anywhere. Specifically, the idea of confidentiality.

I've always tried to maintain a policy of complete honesty and openness in my relationships, and this is even more important now that my fiance and I are discussing polyamory. My friends and family all know to assume that telling me something is as good as telling my partner, as I'm uncomfortable keeping secrets from her, under any circumstances.

This policy is simple enough when you're mono. It seems like it would be relatively simple within a closed triad or quad (no secrets between any pair). But how does one deal with this when you have multiple, independent relationships?

If my secondary doesn't want my primary knowing something, is that unacceptable? It that type of requirement a poly "taboo"? What about the reverse? I feel like I'd end up with split loyalties, with a first duty to my fiance (my primary), but I'd still be uncomfortable being in any intimate relationship where secrets are kept.

I'd love to hear any thoughts or experiences with this type of situation.
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