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Old 05-28-2012, 06:29 PM
RainbowBrite RainbowBrite is offline
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Join Date: May 2012
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Default Partner Came Out as Poly

My long term partner came out to me recently as believing that she might be poly. We moved from a small conservative town about a year ago and have been introduced to people of different cultures and world views. A large number (almost all) of the lesbian couples she has met in her line of work are poly. She had never thought of this before but has since taken an interest in that lifestyle. I have been very confused since this revelation. It also came out that she currently has a crush on another woman who is poly. I have no problem with crushes, I think they are very healthy to have. There is nothing wrong with admiring someone else and finding them attractive while in a relationship with someone else. I am however completely mono. I know this about myself. After she told me I was very hurt at first but remained rational and researched the poly lifestyle. I thought about it a lot and know that this lifestyle would not work for me personally.

We have had many conversations about how we both feel about poly relationships and I have expressed my concerns. It is very important to me that my partner be happy but I cannot concede my own happiness for hers. I have done this too many times in the past.

The main problem is that I think of sex in a different way then her. I was a virgin until I met her. We dated for a year before being intimate ( I was 25). I do not have any desire to be intimate with others. I explained that I love the fact that all my sexual experiences have been with her and only her. So she would be the only one exploring connections outside of our relationship and after talking we have both decided that neither of us like that idea.

She has stated that she will of course not breach my trust and explore the idea of the poly lifestyle. However my concern is that this will drive a wedge between us. I am confused as to if she is truly poly or if she just wants to try something new. She told me I cannot understand because of my very limited sexual experiences in comparison to hers. This is the longest relationship she has ever had and prior to me she was very free with her body and her sexual partners. She has stated that she regrets the majority of her previous sexual encounters as she has been in some very uncomfortable situations and been hurt.

Since we were being open I expressed to her that I feel the sexual aspect of our relationship is lacking. I told her that I desired and needed more from her. I expressed concern that since we currently have sex once a week and sometimes only once a month that if she was exploring sex with others then I would be even more sexually unfulfilled.

Since talking we have begun to stretch our sexual boundaries together and do things that she has done with other partners but not me. I am very open to trying new things sexually and she has taught me how to please her in different ways. This has made a big difference in how we connect with one another. She has also since stated that she is confused about what she wants in regards to the poly lifestyle.

I have posted this to other forums but all my responses have been very derogatory towards my partner. I love her very much and do not think any less of her since her revelation. I think honesty and openness is the key to healthy relationships. I've come here to talk to people who do enjoy the poly lifestyle in the hopes of receiving real advice and not just the advice to dump my partner.

Based off on your own experiences how did you know that you were truly poly? Does monogamy work if one partner does desire a poly relationship? She is very concerned that I will leave her now that I know this and her friends and family have all told her that I will leave her within three months and that she has destroyed our relationship. I do not feel this way. I intend to spend my life with this woman and she feels the same. She has stated that she would rather be with me than explore this new side to her. Do you think this will work?

Any advice would be very much appreciated.

Thank you.
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