MrS and I had been married for about three years when we made this breakthrough - after having the same stupid disagreement forty-eleven times. We then made a concerted effort to a.) say what the fuck we mean in the first place and b.) always respond to what the other person actually says rather than what you think they mean (especially if you think they mean something else - it really forces people to examine what they are really asking for)
OP - unfortunately this is not as uncommon of a scenario as it should be. unfortunately a fair number of men see sex as a commodity that can be negotiated for.
When Dude first learned of the original boundaries of my relationship with MrS he was shocked that MrS didn't have an "open invitation" to join me and whatever woman I was with. Apparently in the few other "open marriages" he had witnessed this was one of the "rules" and he assumed that was how they all operated.
The perspective that seems to drive this: the "only reason" a man would "allow his woman" to have sex with other women is so that he can benefit from it in terms of threesomes with hot bi babes.
Sorry, but this seems to be where your husband is at.
Luckily for me this was never MrS's perspective - although he admits that the mere possibility of being invited to join in occasionally is a nice "perk" (it's not the norm for us but has happened periodically over the last 20 years )
Also luckily for me it didn't take too long for me to show Dude how skewed that perspective really is (and I was just taking the time to "educate a friend" at that point - this was well before he and I were involved).
I tend to get involved with bisexual women with male primaries. Their partners are ok with them sleeping with other women but not with other men (which was my own situation until recently - WHY so many men seem to feel this way is a whole nother topic...)
So, I ask Dude - I don't want to sleep with VV's boyfriend, she doesn't want to sleep with my husband, I DO want to sleep with her and she with me. My husband may or may not want to sleep with VV. Her boyfriend may or may not want to sleep with me. Each primary relationship has a OPP.
If you add a "no sex with another woman unless I am invited" rule then nothing can happen here. But why should VV and I - the two people that have a mutual sexual attraction - have to forego sex? What sense does that make? Why does that seem more "fair"? How does that increase the overall happiness of everyone involved?
Sorry this got so long but it is a scenario that seems to come up fairly often so apparently it's been stewing around in my brain for a while.
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (22+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi married female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.
My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 05-28-2012 at 11:08 AM.
|boundary negotiation, honesty|