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  #1  
Old 05-27-2012, 11:13 PM
pandabear pandabear is offline
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Default Confused, need opinions

So first I am 34 female and have been married for 13 years. my hubby knew from the time we were dating that I was bisexual. We played around a few times with other girls but he mostly watched. We talked about having threesomes but could never find someone who wanted us both. He is in the military and is deployed often, he told me it would be okay if I were to see someone while he was away and so I started looking. I met this girl that I really like and me and her had an almost instant bond. We met a few times and talked on the phone ALOT, and finally decided that we would like to be intimate. We did, it was wonderful and I was open and honest with my hubby every step of the way. After I told him that we slept together he now says that she needs to sleep with him too or I have to end it with her. He says that I misunderstood his permission and that it was always the arrangement that I was to bring someone back for both of us. I did not understand it this way and he only clarified his stance on that after I told him we were intimate. This has been a very trying week with him going from I have to cut her off completely and acting as if I have had an affair to saying that I should tell her to sleep with him or her and I have to be strictly platonic or he will leave me. He says that he must get something out of my bisexuality or I cannot explore it. I love my husband, I don't want to lose him. I told him that I was honest about this from the very beginning and I feel like he is jsut using this to bring in something that he wants and that his motivation was never to let me explore myself. I feel very hurt that he is acting this way and he claims that I have hurt him by wanting to be with another girl without him. I tried to explain that I cannot fully explore this side of me with him there and that I feel it would be very disrespectful for me to now place ultimatums on her. He doesn't seem to get the fact that demanding sex from her is disrespectful and hurtful to her. I admit to having feelings for her but I don't think they detract from what I feel for him, he just cant wrap his head around this and is threatening to end our marriage over this. I feel like no matter what I do I am going to hurt someone and I am going to lose someone. I want them both, they both fulfill different needs and she knew I was married from that start and is OK with all of it. I don't know what to do now, does anyone have any thoughts or experiences with this?
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  #2  
Old 05-28-2012, 12:39 AM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
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Default Tough place to be.

It sounds like you were both unclear on where the other person stood, and it sounds like you really want an independent partnership with another woman. It's unfortunate that it's come to a place of ultimatums, but if your husband is feeling like he was deceived, and now feels threatened, it makes sense that he would be acting from a place of fear and defensiveness. I'm not saying that how he is responding is "right" but I can see where he would be coming from without necessarily agreeing with him.

It sounds like the only way that he is comfortable with you exploring your bisexuality is within the context of a threesome. This sounds like his ideal, but it doesn't sound like yours. The complication of your growing emotional attachment to his woman is certainly an important consideration as well.

How best do you think that you can answer your husband's concerns right now, given that he is putting your marriage on the line? Do you feel like your bond with this woman is strong enough to survive a break while you get clear in your marriage? What do you think your next steps forward should be? Have either of you done any reading on poly? (Opening Up, The Ethical Slut, etc?)

I hear that you're suffering right now, and for that I'm sorry. The beginning of opening up a relationship can be VERY challenging, and you have my sympathy.
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Old 05-28-2012, 01:17 AM
pandabear pandabear is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BaggagePatrol View Post
It sounds like you were both unclear on where the other person stood, and it sounds like you really want an independent partnership with another woman. It's unfortunate that it's come to a place of ultimatums, but if your husband is feeling like he was deceived, and now feels threatened, it makes sense that he would be acting from a place of fear and defensiveness. I'm not saying that how he is responding is "right" but I can see where he would be coming from without necessarily agreeing with him.

It sounds like the only way that he is comfortable with you exploring your bisexuality is within the context of a threesome. This sounds like his ideal, but it doesn't sound like yours. The complication of your growing emotional attachment to his woman is certainly an important consideration as well.

How best do you think that you can answer your husband's concerns right now, given that he is putting your marriage on the line? Do you feel like your bond with this woman is strong enough to survive a break while you get clear in your marriage? What do you think your next steps forward should be? Have either of you done any reading on poly? (Opening Up, The Ethical Slut, etc?)

I hear that you're suffering right now, and for that I'm sorry. The beginning of opening up a relationship can be VERY challenging, and you have my sympathy.

Yes I completely understand where he is coming from but it doesn't make it ok with me for him to toss out ultimatums for me based solely on jealous emotions. I think that he is coming from a place that he feels my need for intimacy with another female somehow equals that I don't love him. I tried to explain my needs with him as best I could but I think he feels hurt and insecure that I have needs that he cannot fulfill.

I am open to a threesome as well and he has expressed a desire to do that for a long time I just didn't understand that he thought he had open sexual rights to anyone I saw. Especially since I asked him specifically if I could see someone without him and he said yes. I just dont want to do that exclusively. i want time alone with her and I think everyone can agree here that the emotional and sexual experiences alone and in a threesome even with the same person are quite different. He feels that I should be ale to adequately explore this side of me with him always there, I disagree.

I was talking to a friend who mentioned poly and that is how I ended up here today. I have heard of it before but didnt look into it in any depth but as I read it describes what I want perfectly. I dont think loving two people is a betrayal and I have been open and honest about things every step of the way so I really was not expecting this reaction from him.

I have talked with her and she is willing to be my platonic friend while we sort this out. I am not a cheater, never been, but I do very much want her to be a part of my life. I know that makes me selfish and hubby has been very verbal about pointing that out but I also feel that his stance is selfish as well.

Thank you so much for your reply and if you have any more thoughts, id love to hear them. I can see that many of you have a lot of experience with this here and I do want to make the right decisions. I am having a lot of mixed feelings from right now on the matter. I will definitely look a the reading list.
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Old 05-28-2012, 01:27 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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I don't think you're selfish in the least. What you are doing is taking nothing away from him. You are not depriving him of anything he had.
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  #5  
Old 05-28-2012, 01:39 AM
pandabear pandabear is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NovemberRain View Post
I don't think you're selfish in the least. What you are doing is taking nothing away from him. You are not depriving him of anything he had.
Well thank you for saying so. I guess I just feel like he is not making any attempt to understand my perspective even though I have been transparent. I could have easily done this without his knowledge but that isn't who I am and I love him and wouldn't hurt him that way. I feel at this point like I am being punished for my honesty and being told that who I am isn't OK with him. I wish he could just open his mind a little I would even be ok if he wanted a GF too. In anger yesterday he said I can keep her if he could have a mistress, I dont think he meant it though.
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Old 05-28-2012, 01:47 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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I was going to ask about another gf for him. I have two boyfriends, and they don't see anyone else. It might help him understand that you aren't feeling any less for him. On the other hand, if he is truly mono, he could find someone else and leave.

I think it might be wonderful to discuss that with him, if you can find a time when you're both not overly upset about the current situation.
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Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #7  
Old 05-28-2012, 02:00 AM
pandabear pandabear is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NovemberRain View Post
I was going to ask about another gf for him. I have two boyfriends, and they don't see anyone else. It might help him understand that you aren't feeling any less for him. On the other hand, if he is truly mono, he could find someone else and leave.

I think it might be wonderful to discuss that with him, if you can find a time when you're both not overly upset about the current situation.
I think he is probably way too upset right now to talk about that. The problem is that he is saying I need to chose between her and him and give him an answer in like 3 days!! I doubt he will have time to settle down before he slaps that divorce papers down. I cannot seem to get through to him that is isnt necessarily about HER specifically, although I do REALLY like her, its about ME and my need for intimacy with another woman. He says "would you really jeopardize out 13 year marriage for her?" and I am like no but I will for ME. He didnt get it when I said that.

But yeah, if he wanted a GF, go for it. And if he is mono and leaves, then if he is happy, i would be ok. I love him and I dont want to lose him but I want him to be happy.

Last edited by pandabear; 05-28-2012 at 02:02 AM.
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Old 05-28-2012, 04:51 AM
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Phy Phy is offline
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Sorry to hear that you are exposed to such a rough situation. I know that I would be extremely disappointed and kind of outraged if my partner would disregard me in this way. As I see it, you told him what was going on, you never did something behind his back and he isn't able to gauge his reaction about what is going on. All fine and well, it's totally natural to be overwhelmed by one's own emotional reaction, but the way he is pressuring you and giving you ultimatums and such ... real deal breaker for me. I would never allow anyone to treat me like this or demand that I should treat another person like this ( in your case the girl you are involved with).

Just for a better understanding: Is this some kind of normal behaviour from your point of view? Who is the one getting his needs met primarily in your relationship? It sounds like he comes from either a place of security, feeling absolutely right in demanding this of you or if he is totally insecure and overreacting in this situation. I can't tell what it is right now. Depending on the circumstances, you should either put your foot down and stand up for yourself or reassure him that he still holds importance to you and you aren't just walking over his needs.

Those would be my first impressions. Of course, I can be way off here. Wishing you luck nevertheless how the situation may work out.
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  #9  
Old 05-28-2012, 06:01 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I think you could tell him that there is no way you can know if she will be attracted to him or if they'll hit it off, and no way for force it, either, and that someone who likes you both equally is hard to find... but that you think it would be easier for you to each find someone who likes you.
So he can have a girlfriend if he wishes, and if he decides not to, there is no reason for you and her to be punished because of his decision to reject the offer.

I don't know if that will convince him, since he seems very selfish (how can you demand sex from someone? Does he realise what he's saying?) but maybe it was just his reaction because he was shocked, and maybe he'll be less of a jerk once he calms down about it.
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Old 05-28-2012, 09:16 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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First up, the red flags:
Quote:
Originally Posted by pandabear View Post
... he now says that she needs to sleep with him too
Quote:
Originally Posted by pandabear View Post
... saying that I should tell her to sleep with him
Quote:
Originally Posted by pandabear View Post
He doesn't seem to get the fact that demanding sex from her is disrespectful and hurtful to her.
Quote:
Originally Posted by pandabear View Post
... I just didn't understand that he thought he had open sexual rights to anyone I saw.
The fact that he feels he is entitled to sex without any say-so from your GF worries me on a very fundamental level.

Quote:
Originally Posted by pandabear View Post
I would even be ok if he wanted a GF too. In anger yesterday he said I can keep her if he could have a mistress, I dont think he meant it though.
Take him at his word. If he means what he says then everyone's a winner. If he doesn't, eventually he'll learn to say what he means.
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