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  #201  
Old 05-23-2012, 05:32 AM
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Oh dear, Phy. I'm sorry your mother is reacting in such a way and stressing you out. The only two things I could think of while reading your posts are:

1.) She is in shock. People in shock do and say strange things they wouldn't normally say. She is trying to cope with seeing that the truth of a situation is different from what she thought it was. It's like the pictures that have been hanging on the wall for years have been ripped down and something unfamiliar has replaced them.

Her mind had you and Sward and Lin in certain compartments, as we all have brains that categorize in order to understand what we see. So, now the compartments are different, it is like her brain has to shuffle things around and re-order everything. It is confusing, so she is trying to rationalize and is blaming you, but doing that is a fine line away from criticizing herself - because she raised you and taught you, so why didn't it stick? Why don't you know better? What did she do wrong?

My sense is that this is just a stage she is going through while processing the shock, and things will eventually be civil between you again.

I think, once she has calmed down a bit, it will do her good for Sward to go and talk to her, very gently and compassionately, to reassure her that he is happy and that you three consider each other a family. He should tell her that it was his choice as much as yours to live the way you do. I think that will soften her.

2.) Regarding the appearance in your community, I think all you have to do is remind her, "Have you ever seen us do anything to bring you shame in front of your friends? Have we ever conducted ourselves in any undignified or disrespectful way? Have you ever seen us do something that you need to worry about? We are still the same people who love you and care about you, and the fact that we have an unconventional life does not change that."
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  #202  
Old 05-23-2012, 06:03 AM
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Thanks for this. I know you are right, but it's hard to keep it at an intellectual level right now. As I knew that things are just messy at the moment and nothing good will come out of talking, I already refused to talk to anyone about it yesterday evening (my sister invited me to come talk to her if I feel the need to) and decided to wait some days. Things said till everyone calmed down can only be hurtful in this situation.

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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I think, once she has calmed down a bit, it will do her good for Sward to go and talk to her, very gently and compassionately, to reassure her that he is happy and that you three consider each other a family. He should tell her that it was his choice as much as yours to live the way you do. I think that will soften her.
That's what the three of us discussed as well. I hope that she will be able to listen. As she is right now she would expect me to have some creepy mind-controlling abilities, sending him over to tell her what I want her and him to believe … I still can't believe that my mother can be like that.

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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
2.) Regarding the appearance in your community, I think all you have to do is remind her, "Have you ever seen us do anything to bring you shame in front of your friends? Have we ever conducted ourselves in any undignified or disrespectful way? Have you ever seen us do something that you need to worry about? We are still the same people who love you and care about you, and the fact that we have an unconventional life does not change that."
She knows this. I know that she does, but it doesn't matter right now. All the same that she knows that Sward is a great guy. I don't know how long this will take to normalize again. I understand what she is getting at as well. There has been a situation where my skirt was criticized because it was too short some years ago. They didn't talk to me, they talked to my mother and she felt looked down on because she couldn't influence me better to be more like the others are.

I know as well that those aren't my friends. Those persons are a circle that I don't come in contact with that often. And I know that those people are of some importance for her. I am sorry that we will be a problematic topic there for her to face from time to time. But I don't think that this will happen often. But the frequency doesn't matter right now as well. *sigh* We will see.
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  #203  
Old 05-23-2012, 06:13 AM
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Hugs sweety! Dealing with parents and especially Moms can be so heart wrenching.
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  #204  
Old 05-23-2012, 07:38 AM
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I'm so sorry to hear those things, it must be very hurtful.

Right now I'm thinking about the hardships RP had with her family when she told them about Mono, have you seen the thread? Just goes to show that really very hurtful things can be said and done by family, but then with time and patience, and by avoiding escalating the situation, things can be resolved for the best. I really believe that will happen for you, too, though it must be hard to face the judgement now.
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  #205  
Old 05-24-2012, 12:02 AM
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Two Christmas' ago, my dad, Runic Wolf, and my brother and sister outed me as bi to my mom. They all knew, but she hadn't picked up on it. She ignored it until a friend transferred her Myspace pictures to Facebook and tagged a picture of me and another female friend making out while drunk. My mother saw this, freaked out to my other sister about how she didn't understand, how she thought she'd raised me right, etc. My mother refused to answer the phone when I called for a month after I untagged myself.

When we did talk, she said that she didn't want to know. That she preferred to pretend that I'm not bi and that I have a "normal" marriage. A friend of mine called it willful disbelief.

I love my mother, so I don't press the issue, but it means that I get alot of "I don't want to know what you do in your house" comments, which makes me sad because we used to be able to talk about everything and now there is this zone of unmentionable stuff.

I hope that things settle down soon and pray that your mom stops being so hurtful.
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  #206  
Old 05-24-2012, 03:48 AM
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First of all, thanks for the support. Great of you to show this much sympathy and concern.

In regard to similar situations (like RP's) yes, I read about them and I know that things will eventually be in one way or the other 'OK'. I doubt that I personally will feel like they are alright as long as any pretense will be part of the picture. Right now, that is what I get. She is completely ignoring the problems and smiles brightly at me whenever we meet. Makes me furious, but I keep my cool and keep away for now.

I decided to talk about the stuff she said and about how unacceptable it is for me to leave this be till she may come around in a year or two to be able to talk about the poly stuff. We don't have to talk everything through right now, but we need to talk about the way she reacted. I will offer her to move away as soon as our financial situation and my future work will allow it, if this helps her cope with it and if it is what she really wants.

I will have the talk with my father this evening. If he reacts as badly as my mother … things will be rough the next weeks. The worst outcome right now is the one you described BrigidsDaughter. That would be something I couldn't live with on a daily basis. If that is their ultimate reaction, I would move away for my own sake.

And a final note: Just thought about how conceited I was for calling my life too positive. Put some kind of kiss of death on it as it seems. Fits the pile of problems around here just too well. Just got too used to everyone being OK with things and wasn't able to estimate how disturbing things could be for indirectly involved family members. Learned my lesson.
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  #207  
Old 05-24-2012, 05:40 PM
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RainyGrlJenny RainyGrlJenny is offline
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Oh Phy, I'm so sorry Family can hurt us like nobody else can. I don't really have anything constructive to say, just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and hope things can be resolved and relationships mended.
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  #208  
Old 05-24-2012, 06:16 PM
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Thanks to you as well Jenny, getting this much support is great.
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I feel … strange. Yes, that's mainly it. I told my father. I am kind of flashed by his reaction. He knew that there has to be 'something' since I first visited Lin, he said. “You wouldn't travel this far without a reason.” I am scared to trust this peaceful ending. It's too good to last after all the things that happened with my mother. There's something in the wind, I don't know if it is positive or negative. If he really keeps his cool like that, the outcome can only be positive, maybe even influencing my mother in a way. If he suffers the same development like her, hell will break loose during the upcoming days. Too scared to be happy right now.

I talked with my mother this morning. The estimation that she may have been too shocked to notice what she said in which way seems to fit. I asked her if she wants to be present during the talk with my father. She wanted to go out with the dog. (She was convinced that he would be outraged.) After some silent seconds she asked me if there may have been a misunderstanding during our last talk. I asked why. She said, that she never wanted us to move away, but that she wished that the situation would be like that as it would make things easier for her. Play on semantics kind of, still meaning the same to me but I get that she didn't mean it like I perceived it.

I tried to explain that I just came over because I was worried how she may feel and to check if everything was OK, she felt interrogated and pressed to discuss the issue. “You always want to discuss everything endlessly. I don't work like that. You caught me in the worst possible moment.” She simply needs time, she says. Lots of it. I said that's fine and that I won't talk to her about this topic anymore and she agreed that it would be the best to wait till she has reached the stage where she would be able to joke about it. I doubt that she noticed how hurtful most of her comments were, but I delayed this. It won't do us any good to discuss the personal level and accusations that were talked about. She isn't able to cope with this at the moment and I am not that stingy and heartless to pressure her with something like that. Her concept of the world was severely altered, she will simply need the time she asked for. And that's OK, I needed lots of it as well back then.

I am so, so, sooo hoping that my father is really coping this well. I am astonished that he was so calm and nonchalant about it. He wasn't shocked, not hyper like my mother when I told her, not careful like my sister, he just said that we would have to live with this and that I shouldn't neglect my studies and that we should make sure that this works out. (With a little smile )“Do what makes you happy.” How can parents be this different and especially, how can one be this surprised by them and judge them so wrongly. All of us thought that my father would be the one having the biggest problems adjusting to everything. Right now it seems that my mother is the one, who will have the hardest time.

Really curious what the week will bring for us. As I said, too scared to hope for the best.
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  #209  
Old 05-25-2012, 08:37 AM
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I'm hoping for you. Your father sound cool, I hope it stays that way. *hugs*
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  #210  
Old 05-28-2012, 04:29 AM
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Here we are, end of the week, new week beginning, everything's levelly. I have no idea what has been going on behind the curtain next door, but my mother talked to me quite naturally for roughly half an hour yesterday. It was quite a sight to see her in her chair in the garden, staying in the shadows, exposing her nearly hairless head for it to get a bit tanned. It suits her. I was quite surprised, but her face doesn't look weird after the hair is gone. A bit pale, but OK. It makes her vulnerable in a way. I am not totally satisfied with the situation, but it's OK as long as it works out like that. Of course, I have been curious if my father may have said something to her, but as promised, I skipped the poly-topic.

In regard to our current situation, we are doing fine. Except for the commotion with my mother, everything worked out all right. The situation with the girl and the co-worker is still unsolved, but Sward isn't constantly thinking about it any longer. He felt a great deal of responsibility and I am glad that he starts to distant himself from this. There was nothing he could have done; how could one possibly know or guess that something like that would happen? He starts to come around again.

Lin was really disappointed and frustrated by the reaction of my mother. He really liked her and couldn't believe his ears when she flipped like that. But when I said, that it was acceptable to handle things this way and that I will talk to her about the other comments later, it was OK for him as well. He is such a pragmatic and practical person. I know that if something angered me this much, I would have held personal resentment against this person. He can just leave it be. But I guess the disappointment will remind in the back of his head for now.

On a personal note: I finally managed to lose some weight. Four kilos are already gone. For me to be absolutely happy again, I want to lose at least 10 kilos, even better would be 20. But as I picked up my sport again (I neglected the workout when things got hectic around the wedding), I don't think that I will lose this much weight while building some muscles. We will see, I know how the shape should look like

I am not so happy with my plan to have some kind of a weekly date with Sward. Lin was the one picking up on my idea and informing Sward that Sunday would be 'our day'. Meaning that Lin wanted to get lost in his room or next door (brother-in-law and sister) to give us some time and space. But when the day arrived, we went to the gym and did some things on our own later on. We weren't in the mood to cuddle up on the sofa and watch a film. Maybe we will manage to do so today. I need a way to get used to scheduled quality time as it seems and Sward needs to as well.
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