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  #31  
Old 05-26-2012, 05:34 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
To be fair, the OP on that thread faced an overwhelmingly negative response, from many posters, of which NYC was only one. And, in fact, that same OP came back to the thread and apologized for what she called her "small tantrum". NYC then asked her some further questions, to which she responded.
Thank you. And although the OP did not like how we were perceiving her situation, she was conversing with me, km34, andSNeacail without expressing an objection to how we were expressing ourselves. She didn't like what we were saying but didn't have a problem with us saying it until other people chimed in to protest. In fact, I quite appreciated her willingness to "hear" us before that point, and we all would have gotten more information and gained more from the conversation if there were less posts reprimanding people for how they communicated. Many times people have a distinct reaction in the beginning of a thread and turn it around completely by the end of it, given the chance.

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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
So let's discuss the ideas, rather than the validity of any one individual's advice-giving. I do think, for the record, that while personal experience is important, reading many many people's stories and sifting out the lessons can also give you important perspective.
Thanks for this. I will stop being defensive. I guess I just feel misunderstood and I'm under a huge amount of stress. But really, this forum is a distraction for me right now so I don't go and jump off a bridge or something. I wish I were kidding.
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Last edited by nycindie; 05-26-2012 at 05:41 PM.
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  #32  
Old 05-26-2012, 05:38 PM
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Originally Posted by northhome View Post
This is very true in my experience. BTW a good strategy for 'unicorn hunters' is...
Was your post directed to me? 'Cause I'm not a unicorn hunter. Or was it just your first sentence that was a response to my post?
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  #33  
Old 05-26-2012, 06:43 PM
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Was your post directed to me?
No, not at all. It was referring to the OP. But I do feel that your observation concerning relationship skills was, in general, correct.
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  #34  
Old 05-26-2012, 09:53 PM
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I've stayed out of this whole thing so far, because I really don't have much to say. (So why am I saying anything now? Just because )

I think having people who approach things differently on this board is a great thing. It prepares people for the various reactions they are going to have when they go talk about anything poly-related in the real world. Some people are going to be perceived as harsh, some as overly understanding/coddling, some as completely ignorant of any issues that may arise. People are different, this forum reflects that through the way we all interact.

When I say things that sound harsh, I do feel kind of bad (Midwest guilt sticking with me, I guess), but if I think it is what the person needs to read, I'll say it anyway. Even if I misunderstand something, hopefully that poster can realize WHY they were misunderstood and refine his/her/their own ability to portray the situation accurately. Is it my fault if a few facets were glossed over and I got this overwhelming feeling that someone is trying to take advantage of someone else? No. Is it my fault if someone makes a situation sound so perfect so I say congrats or some other supportive statement when in reality there is some heinous treatment of people going on? No.

It's all about what we are presented with and how we interpret that. People can take or leave the advice we give and comments we make, but overall I think even the posts that are taken as attacking can be helpful in the long run - as long as they really are trying to give some sort of insight and aren't just straight up attacks.
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  #35  
Old 05-27-2012, 12:41 AM
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Did I miss something orrrrr? I don't know what the thread is you are all referring to. Sometimes the discussion is about general communication of this forum and sometimes it seems to be against how nycindie communicated on a thread. Could someone clarify for me please?
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  #36  
Old 05-27-2012, 02:30 AM
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Originally Posted by BaggagePatrol View Post
RP: Being a newer member of the forum gives me a different perspective on things, I think. For me, it's easier for those with some grounding and experience to "take things with a grain of salt." I know it's becoming easier for me already! However, I think it's more challenging for those floundering and trapped in a place way out of their depth who are here (desperately) hoping to find help from people with wisdom and experience. From a purely philosophical perspective, I can see your point, but when it comes down to needing serious advice to help ground you, I don't think it's the right time to be "letting go of ideas of what your reality is." Often people come here in an extremely vulnerable state, lost, confused and needing guidance. To me, being harsh, brushing them off, or being impatient doesn't seem like the best approach! That being said, you seriously know your stuff, and I respect your wisdom in regards to poly, this forum, and how it is run. You are living proof that poly works, and works well.
"In need of grounding" is a good way to put it. I said "take it with a grain of salt" and "letting go of your idea of what reality is" as a goal. Not a do this or I'm going to yell at you to get a grip.

When someone writes here they should not expect to always get the exact piece of advice that makes it all better. They get a deluge sometimes of differing opinions and different approaches to expressing that approach. This a place of written word and I think it na´ve that they would think that all their needs would be met here. I don't know, maybe that's old fashioned? That being said, we've grown a culture here of patience, cooperation and kind support. Ya, its a total drag to repeat the same things over and over, but I would hope that if someone is at their wits end trying to hold it together while posting because they can't believe yet another unicorn hunter is asking why they should try a new approach, or whatever, then I suggest they take a break, take a breath and come back later. Maybe vent it out in a post they don't send.

This forum has seen many changes in three years. I can tell you we are not discussing the stuff we did back then. Things do change with time. We had barely any posts about unicorn hunting at the beginning now we do. I suspect it will change again as people become more and more aware of poly theory. Setting an example of being grounded and suggesting that others find the same place through working slowly through their own issues is probably the best anyone can suggest. Most of the stuff people go through is their own emotions. Sure, the issues may be similar, but they are the ones who have to find their own grounding. I think it always helps to let them know that they can find grounding if they get through the emotional content they are experiencing.

I agree, being harsh, brushing them off and being impatient is not the way, but really, we are all human and we all are grumpy sometimes and there is always someone on a thread that is posting from a different place than others. Its life. Someone in crisis is not always going to get the response of "oh no! You're in crisis! We better all rally round and give you what you want to make it all go away!" Sometimes they get, "oh, geez, that's tough, here what I think and what happened to me. Maybe it will help you sort it out" I find the latter to be far more helpful as it give the person their power back to make their own choices.

So, I suggest, ignoring the harsh with understanding and empathy and embrace the positive, supportive kindness. It is good to talk about this now and then (any of you remember Neon? ). There are many that have left here feeling supported and cared for I am not concerned that some don't. Its too bad and I like to think that often we do our best, but this place is not for everyone. That's a proven fact. We make people work on their shit. that to me is how it should be.
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Last edited by redpepper; 05-27-2012 at 02:55 AM.
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  #37  
Old 05-27-2012, 03:00 AM
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Did I miss something orrrrr? I don't know what the thread is you are all referring to.
I think it's mostly this one: Teacher & Protector.
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  #38  
Old 05-27-2012, 04:17 PM
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Originally Posted by BaggagePatrol View Post
Often people come here in an extremely vulnerable state, lost, confused and needing guidance.
Frankly, the only things anyone should expect from anonymous voices on the internet are opinions. Even in the most close-knit online communities I belong to, it's pretty much understood that all you can really count on getting is another viewpoint. And seeing what other viewpoints are out there can be very valuable. Not everyone is going to pat people on the head and say, "there, there, everything will be alright." There is nothing wrong with a dissenting opinion, even a harsh one. To an oyster, a grain of sand is an irritation, but it eventually becomes a pearl.

Sure, friendships can develop online, and sometimes people actually meet some other members face-to-face after a while. And yes, advice is given but people have to take responsibility for themselves and their own choices, and realize this isn't a place for free therapy. If someone needs guidance about life-altering decisions, they should seek out professionals, friends, family, clergy, etc., and not expect strangers on the internet to give serious advice, help ground them, or do anything for them.
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Last edited by nycindie; 05-27-2012 at 05:12 PM.
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  #39  
Old 05-27-2012, 07:32 PM
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Originally Posted by Emm View Post
I think it's mostly this one: Teacher & Protector.
Thank you Emm. its all a bit more clear now.

It seems to me that the OP on that thread was not in a place of distress so much as mulling over options for her and her family without considering what impact it would have on the woman her husband is in love with or to the future possibilities of that love interest panning out. She didn't seem to be overly distressed (publicly) by the comments. Mostly surprised and confused.

I can see why she'd by upset with the tags someone added. I can also see where it might of been helpful for some posters to consider how they said things before hitting "submit reply." There was a fair share of posts saying the same thing over and over in different ways though and again I want to point out that taking the posts that are ones that resonated and responding to those is really all that can be done as far as I can see. Eventually those that come across as overly judgmental and grumpy will stop posting or change their tone. I know this has been my reaction and response when people ignore me anyway.
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  #40  
Old 05-29-2012, 06:30 PM
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IMO if I came here and all I was getting were "Aww, s'okaaaaay" all the time in response to serious matters and questions it'd be no different than me explaining my relationship to some friends and having them give me the pity face. If I wanted that I would go to those people offline and experience it there.

Do I see people post things that come off as an attack, or really are attacks? Of course. I'd like to think we're all adult enough to tell whoever to chill the fuck out sometimes, depending on what was said. Maybe it's just because I've been posting on forums for almost a decade now, or that I lurk for a while and gauge things beforehand, but expecting changes in communicative styles because of past offenses is lofty at best.

Do what you can to ignore or confront. Plenty of us are outspoken and logical enough and have done so. For example I've never seen nycindie reluctant to apologize if she's upset anyone, so while you may not be on board with how she posts, anything malicious I'm not seeing.
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