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  #21  
Old 05-26-2012, 01:14 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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All I can say is it must be a nice view from up there on that horse of yours.

To each his or her own!
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  #22  
Old 05-26-2012, 06:17 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I just want to say thank you to everyone who's responded so far! There have been many threads on many topics that led me to thinking about all this, and getting many perspectives in return is exactly what I was hoping for.

The point about using PM to convey concern rather than posting negative reactions on a blog is a great one.
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  #23  
Old 05-26-2012, 08:30 AM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
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Default Sha-ZAM!

ThatGirl: Remind me to not get in a back-alley fight with you..... ever. I agree, completely with your points.

RP: Being a newer member of the forum gives me a different perspective on things, I think. For me, it's easier for those with some grounding and experience to "take things with a grain of salt." I know it's becoming easier for me already! However, I think it's more challenging for those floundering and trapped in a place way out of their depth who are here (desperately) hoping to find help from people with wisdom and experience. From a purely philosophical perspective, I can see your point, but when it comes down to needing serious advice to help ground you, I don't think it's the right time to be "letting go of ideas of what your reality is." Often people come here in an extremely vulnerable state, lost, confused and needing guidance. To me, being harsh, brushing them off, or being impatient doesn't seem like the best approach! That being said, you seriously know your stuff, and I respect your wisdom in regards to poly, this forum, and how it is run. You are living proof that poly works, and works well.

NYCyndie: I have no doubts that you're receiving positive feedback. With up to eight postings a day (totaling a mind-boggling 4,464 posts over the past 18 months), you're bound to hear back from a certain percentage of people who you have assisted with your research and ideas. I know that when I was feeling particularly judged and attacked by you (in my blog, no less) I read your blog, and quickly came to the realization that you were a woman operating largely from a research/opinion perspective, who had very little actual poly relationship experience. I would like to suggest that you treat people with a little more gentleness and consciousness. When people respond to your replies with phrases like "I came here for advice on my feelings from people I thought would have a better sense of if what I was feeling was normal for this type of venture or not. I think what I've gotten is a clear picture of I don't belong here." I think it may be time to re-evaluate your communication style.

Annabel: This thread has been super interesting. Thank you for being so thoughtful as to have started it - speaks volumes of your character. It would seem that there is a growing group that is committed to standing up to ensure that newbies are treated with respect and care. Shoot, I wonder if there should be a "welcoming committee" with a "forum orientation" that is presented to people in the introductions area! Might be an idea....
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  #24  
Old 05-26-2012, 11:44 AM
northhome northhome is offline
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Default Experience versus opinion

Quote:
Originally Posted by BaggagePatrol View Post
quickly came to the realization that you were a woman operating largely from a research/opinion perspective, who had very little actual poly relationship experience.
I co-wrote a book a couple of years ago on the subject of non-traditional relationships. During the research phase I spoke with hundreds of people. Although my sample was not large enough to be statistically accurate, I feel confident in saying that for every person/couple actually in a polyamorous relationship there are at least four considering it. This of course will vary greatly in different cultures and societies. My sample were university educated, western europeans.

What was striking to me was that the people who were considering poly had much stronger dogmatic views across the board than those with actual experience. It almost seems as if people need to create a strong rational argument to help them take the leap to explore what, ultimately, can be quite a risky undertaking. Once they've gone through the first year or so I noticed a distinct mellowing in very many people.

Here's a thought: what if everyone tagged their posts in such a way that one could see if what they were saying was based on real experience versus conjecture and ideas? Not that there is anything wrong with ideas, but personally I find that narratives based on real experience are more useful when it comes to navigating the poly maze.

(Disclosure: I'm in a triad for 3 years now. We think it works - we're happy which I guess is what really counts)

Last edited by northhome; 05-26-2012 at 11:47 AM.
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  #25  
Old 05-26-2012, 12:55 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by northhome View Post
Here's a thought: what if everyone tagged their posts in such a way that one could see if what they were saying was based on real experience versus conjecture and ideas?
Some of us include this info in our sig lines. People also have the option of clicking through to profile pages and there is a designated sticky thread "Personal Summaries" in the Introductions forum specifically for people to look up other posters situations/experience levels: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=649

Personally, if I find a post helpful I don't really care if it came from an idea or someone's experience (although I can't seem to help but post a bit of my story to illustrate my points in most of my posts )

JaneQ
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MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
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  #26  
Old 05-26-2012, 04:43 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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"When people respond to your replies with phrases like "I came here for advice on my feelings from people I thought would have a better sense of if what I was feeling was normal for this type of venture or not. I think what I've gotten is a clear picture of I don't belong here." I think it may be time to re-evaluate your communication style."

To be fair, the OP on that thread faced an overwhelmingly negative response, from many posters, of which NYC was only one. And, in fact, that same OP came back to the thread and apologized for what she called her "small tantrum". NYC then asked her some further questions, to which she responded.

Was the overall tone on that thread more harsh than warranted? I think so, personally. It was definitely firmly in my mind when I posted this, and I think that what that same OP went on to say about catching more flies with honey than with vinegar is one of the central questions I was getting at when I started this -- that's one approach, bluntness is another. So let's discuss the ideas, rather than the validity of any one individual's advice-giving. I do think, for the record, that while personal experience is important, reading many many people's stories and sifting out the lessons can also give you important perspective.
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Last edited by AnnabelMore; 05-26-2012 at 05:00 PM.
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  #27  
Old 05-26-2012, 04:44 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Northhome, what's the name of your book?
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  #28  
Old 05-26-2012, 05:00 PM
northhome northhome is offline
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Love Unlimited: The Joys and Challenges of Open Relationships (it's available on Amazon, also as an e-book).

My co-author is the Dutch polyamory counsellor Leonie Linssen. She's one of the foremost professionals in the Netherlands that deals with 'non-traditional' relationships.
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  #29  
Old 05-26-2012, 05:05 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BaggagePatrol View Post
NYCyndie: I have no doubts that you're receiving positive feedback. With up to eight postings a day (totaling a mind-boggling 4,464 posts over the past 18 months), you're bound to hear back from a certain percentage of people who you have assisted with your research and ideas. I know that when I was feeling particularly judged and attacked by you (in my blog, no less) I read your blog, and quickly came to the realization that you were a woman operating largely from a research/opinion perspective, who had very little actual poly relationship experience. I would like to suggest that you treat people with a little more gentleness and consciousness. When people respond to your replies with phrases like "I came here for advice on my feelings from people I thought would have a better sense of if what I was feeling was normal for this type of venture or not. I think what I've gotten is a clear picture of I don't belong here." I think it may be time to re-evaluate your communication style.
I do recall that I had written a few posts before realizing your thread was in the Blogs section, because I came to it via the "New Posts" link. I often don't look at the forum heading right away. And I believe I apologized. If not, I am sorry. I never have the goal of attacking anyone, so it is unfortunate you felt that way.

My style is my style, though. I won't change it just to please anyone who lets themselves get miffed by it. And there is consciousness in every post I write. Just because you don't like it, don't presume that I have no awareness of what I'm doing. Jeez, what a laugh. And gentleness isn't always the best way to get a point across. If people get it, they get it. If they don't, they don't. I'm not here to coddle anyone.

And I don't know why you say I am only doing research and have very little poly experience. That is the second time, I believe, that you've specifcally said I don't have much poly experience, as if it were a put-down or like you're trying to expose me, LOL. I never said I am an expert at poly, I just use my common sense and relationship experience, and I've had a lot of relationships. I've dabbled in lots of different things that I draw on when I share here - is that a crime? I certainly wouldn't call the things I've lived "research." Sure, it's only been two years since my ex and I split and I embraced poly, but that doesn't negate my opinions as a rational human being who has had lots and lots of relationships both good and bad. And I don't write here about every guy I see, just the most significant ones. I take part in the poly community here when I can, have poly friends in real life, and practice polyamory as a solo. My feedback is based on my experience in relationships, not research. And if I don't know something, I admit it. I don't pretend to be something I'm not.

The basic qualities needed for good relationships apply to both poly and mono, and there are plenty of people here who are not poly who give their opinions just like I do. You don't really need to know all that much about poly to recognize what makes a good relationship possible or what's going to fuck things up. So, who cares if I have ever been in a poly relationship or not? My opinions are mine and that's what this forum is for. We could all be impostors and hermits living in basements in front of our computers, spinning tales. How would you know? (well, some of us have met each other IRL) We've got people who are virgins or asexuals coming here and discussing sex, and we've got monos and inexperienced newbies discussing poly. This forum is like our Village Green. Take what you like and leave the rest. Call me the village idiot if you want -- I don't care one bit what you think of me. You don't know anything about me, really. I'm very careful what I reveal here and my blog is such a tiny glimpse. Have a beautiful day!
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Last edited by nycindie; 05-26-2012 at 05:16 PM.
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  #30  
Old 05-26-2012, 05:14 PM
northhome northhome is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
The basic qualities needed for good relationships apply to both poly and mono
This is very true in my experience. BTW a good strategy for 'unicorn hunters' is to make sure your own existing relationship is in great shape. If you treat each other in a way that a potential new partner sees your interactions and thinks 'wow, I'd like to be treated that way', well you might just increase your chances. That's sort of what happened to us.

However I should add that we weren't looking for a unicorn, it just kind of happened. Also, the reverse is true. A third person can provide accurate and possibly uncomfortable reflections on what might not be working so well in your relationship. This too is part of our own dynamic. Helps the growing process.
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