He said, She said

[glowinthedarkstars]

I am 100% new to this. I am dating a poly man who has been poly for 17 years. Naturally I have questions...

P hasnt defined any primary/secondary/ect in his relationships. is this normal? Many times P talks about his other girls to each of us, or confuses the things we said or experiences we had with him.

I dont like playing "he said she said" games, they are immature.
I however became friends with P's other girls and sort of confided in them like you would a friend. I dont have any other friends that are girls. One must have said something to P ... I felt betrayed by C for "reporting" to P. I felt really ganged up on.

How do people in poly relationships keep this talk (almost gossip in a way) to a minimum so it doesnt get back to anyone. Maybe my mistake was talking to C before talking to P. Although I talked to P about how i felt earlier and he really didnt seem to change. . . when I had enough I simply asked C for her advice. Have any of you been in similar situations? What to do?

Sometimes P will tell me "C has to tell you something" (or other way around) and it makes me feel rather bad, like I am being talked about...Im probably being very immature and silly, but it does get to me.

[LovingRadiance]

The simplest answer is to reserve conversations to times the three of you are together.

For us the bottom line is that everything WILL get shared-because we believe that open, honest communication and NO secrets is absolutely necessary in order to facilitate trust and confidence in one another.

I suggest going to www.lovemore.com and www.xeromag.com and reading ALL the articles on poly. That will help you A LOT with understanding more.
Good luck!

[Quath]

Some people don't like the primary/secondary labels because they can be misleading. The most common use is to point out who you live with or spend the most time with. But some people take it as a measure of the love. So he may be avoiding that to avoid confusion.

People talk about each other. People seek advise from others. So I don't think you did anything wrong. But people do worry about being talked about in a negative manner. One suggestion is to get everyone together and talk about this issue and see how everyone feels about it. This is one of those good issues that you helps develop communication skills in the group (if done well).

[glowinthedarkstars]

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance

The simplest answer is to reserve conversations to times the three of you are together.

For us the bottom line is that everything WILL get shared-because we believe that open, honest communication and NO secrets is absolutely necessary in order to facilitate trust and confidence in one another.

I suggest going to www.lovemore.com and www.xeromag.com and reading ALL the articles on poly. That will help you A LOT with understanding more.
Good luck!

I guess this does make sense. I wasnt keeping secrets, I telling C I was worried about P because C was moving away to be with her love, and P was taking it hard, I asked her what I could do to help P, (because shes all he talks about and he was thinking irrationally, and totally depressed) Stupid of me to go to her, but i felt like I had noone else and it was really taking a told on me. I guess I shouldnt have been asking for advice like that. C and I have a connection and are what I would consider friends, so i never imagined this would have happened. I am about to read those articles though. Thank you for your help!

[glowinthedarkstars]

Originally Posted by Quath

Some people don't like the primary/secondary labels because they can be misleading. The most common use is to point out who you live with or spend the most time with. But some people take it as a measure of the love. So he may be avoiding that to avoid confusion.

People talk about each other. People seek advise from others. So I don't think you did anything wrong. But people do worry about being talked about in a negative manner. One suggestion is to get everyone together and talk about this issue and see how everyone feels about it. This is one of those good issues that you helps develop communication skills in the group (if done well).

At this point the issue is pretty much over C has moved across the country and P isnt talking about her to me 24/7...but of course should this repeate itself when other people come into the picture, I will now know the proper way to handle the situation. C was living in CT, P was living in NY and I was living in NJ at the time so we never really had that group discussion thing...but yes good to know for the future! thank you.

[LovingRadiance]

Good luck and happy reading! I found those sites VERY helpful myself!

[Erosa]

Originally Posted by glowinthedarkstars

I however became friends with P's other girls and sort of confided in them like you would a friend. I dont have any other friends that are girls. One must have said something to P because P asked me "have you been talking to C about me"? I said yes but didnt elaborate. P said C told him everything I said. What I said wasnt bad, I more so was asking C for advice. Still I felt betrayed by C for "reporting" to P. I felt really ganged up on.

You're not being immature or silly. C flat out showed a complete lack of trushworthiness. That's not unique to polyamory. People who feel the need to report every little thing that was said back to the focal point of any connection are either blabber mouths or trying to gain status with the focal point.

Watch out for that one... And certainly don't give any intimate details to them to further spread, because odds are P isn't the only one who heard.

[glowinthedarkstars]

C isnt poly, just "open" and likes to have fun. in fact all of the girls P has been 'with' latley are mono's or single ladies who want to stay single or think hes a good friend and a good lay. of course i know this by talking to them. He has different perspective compleatly.
now i dont tell him anything they tell me unless he asks specifics then i will use my best judgement or say its not for me to say. I would never want to hurt P like that.