Mono but secretly wanting to be poly...

[parsons]

I am married with two kids and in a traditional monogamous marriage. I have never believed in monogamy and sort of fell into this marriage for the wrong reasons. We have been married now for 2 1/2 years and have grown to love each other, but our relationship has been anything but easy. We constantly fight and hate most things about each other but we have great times too and love each others quacky personalities. A problem we have now is that i never want to have sex I'm not attracted to him and i just never am in the mood, but when i see other men i can just imagine what it would be like in bed with them. I know our relationship is horrible for our kids the way it is so, i either need to get out of my marriage despite my love for my husband and not having any resources to support myself and kids, or begin a poly marriage. The dilemma here is that the closest conversation to anything poly we have ever talked about is joking about bringing girls home. I believe my husband will leave me if he knows that i want to be able to be with whoever whenever and want him to be able to do the same. I need advice before i loose my mind.

[PinkDragon]

I'm a complete newbie to the poly lifestyle, but I believe the more seasoned members of this community will agree with my advice--- seek marital counseling. Adding a relationship with someone else will not fix the relationship you are currently in.

I wish you luck and you have my thoughts and prayers.

[JaneQSmythe]

Welcome to the poly boards, but I am sorry you find yourself in a difficult situation.

I think that if you read here you will find that many people have found the "Relationship Broken, Add More People" model doesn't tend to work out too well. I agree with those here that will advise you to seek counseling with your husband and fix what is wrong with your marriage (if it is fixable) before drawing someone else into the mix and complicating matters further.

It may be that you and your husband don't work well as husband-and-wife but do work well as parents (this would be the case with my own parents - great parents, mediocre spouses - they "stayed together for the kids" - not sure they wouldn't have been happier in the long run if they had separated). In which case it may be better to separate before you expose your kids to too much drama. Just because you love someone doesn't necessarily mean that it is good for the two of you to be married. What about a scenario where you separate and co-parent the kids and still love each other while exploring other relationships in addition to your own?

Just a thought based on the (very) limited info in your first post.

JaneQ

[parsons]

To PinkDragon.
Thank you for the suggestion, unfortunately we have been through too much. I am at a breaking point and know that being able to be who i truly am is the only way that we can be as happy as we are sometimes all the time. So i really think its either divorce or poly marriage. The problem i have is approaching my husband with the idea in the first place and im miserable in the meantime.

[parsons]

Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe

Welcome to the poly boards, but I am sorry you find yourself in a difficult situation.

I think that if you read here you will find that many people have found the "Relationship Broken, Add More People" model doesn't tend to work out too well. I agree with those here that will advise you to seek counseling with your husband and fix what is wrong with your marriage (if it is fixable) before drawing someone else into the mix and complicating matters further.

It may be that you and your husband don't work well as husband-and-wife but do work well as parents (this would be the case with my own parents - great parents, mediocre spouses - they "stayed together for the kids" - not sure they wouldn't have been happier in the long run if they had separated). In which case it may be better to separate before you expose your kids to too much drama. Just because you love someone doesn't necessarily mean that it is good for the two of you to be married. What about a scenario where you separate and co-parent the kids and still love each other while exploring other relationships in addition to your own?

Just a thought based on the (very) limited info in your first post.

JaneQ

I agree with you completely and so i am leaning towards just getting divorced and i would love to stay best friends with my husband and co parent with him but i feel for him its either this mono marriage or nothing at all, which is hard for me to come to terms with because i do love him very much but i can clearly see that were probably not right for each other. I think he sees that too but he loves me too much to admit it as well he just keeps trying to ignore our fights and problems and move on. sorry about the limited info im on a time crunch.

[CielDuMatin]

Originally Posted by parsons

To PinkDragon.
Thank you for the suggestion, unfortunately we have been through too much. I am at a breaking point and know that being able to be who i truly am is the only way that we can be as happy as we are sometimes all the time. So i really think its either divorce or poly marriage. The problem i have is approaching my husband with the idea in the first place and im miserable in the meantime.

Welcome to the forum. Situations like yours are very, very difficult, and hard to navigate.

A "poly marriage" is only possible if your husband knows about it and agrees with it. Otherwise it's cheating, plain and simple.

As others have said, "Relationship broken, add more people" will only add to the drama, and getting professional help is going to be vital, if you want to make this work.

Based on what I quoted that you wrote, I get the feeling that you think that the counselling suggestion was to try to make everything right with you and your husband. I don't think that's what they meant. You need to find out whether or not you and your husband can take an honest look at your marriage, see the short-comings and put a plan in place for being happy. If one of those requirements for you is that you are poly, then that is part of the counselling. If none of that is posisble, then ending the marriage is pretty much your only other option while staying honest.

Lying to your husband, and breaking your marriage vows (i.e. cheating) is also an option for some - others have issues with this sort of behavior. But that isn't poly.

I hope this clarifies.

[parsons]

Originally Posted by CielDuMatin

Welcome to the forum. Situations like yours are very, very difficult, and hard to navigate.

A "poly marriage" is only possible if your husband knows about it and agrees with it. Otherwise it's cheating, plain and simple.

As others have said, "Relationship broken, add more people" will only add to the drama, and getting professional help is going to be vital, if you want to make this work.

Based on what I quoted that you wrote, I get the feeling that you think that the counselling suggestion was to try to make everything right with you and your husband. I don't think that's what they meant. You need to find out whether or not you and your husband can take an honest look at your marriage, see the short-comings and put a plan in place for being happy. If one of those requirements for you is that you are poly, then that is part of the counselling. If none of that is posisble, then ending the marriage is pretty much your only other option while staying honest.

Lying to your husband, and breaking your marriage vows (i.e. cheating) is also an option for some - others have issues with this sort of behavior. But that isn't poly.

I hope this clarifies.

I wasn't looking at the whole picture but talking about this out loud with others today made me realize exactly what your saying. I have two issues one being my broken marriage and the other being that i want to be poly. What i meant by the counseling not working is that i don't believe there's any fixing my marriage it is what it is and we both know it were just too scared to admit it because we love each other and don't want to hurt each other. I know fixing my marriage isn't going to work and either is being poly i guess what i need is a way to work out what to do about my marriage without us having to be enemies. Thanks you for your post.