do you think closed relationships abusive?

[zephyrrine]

Recently i was told that monogamous relationships are abusive because they established a slave like ownership over you partner.If you are in a closed relationship with rules or anything like this, you are abusing you partner. Does anyone else feel the same? I completely disagree with this thought .

[km34]

I don't agree at all. Generally relationships are monogamous because that is what both people want. Having the expectation that your partner will not sleep with other people or love other people isn't abusive, just like having the expectation that your partner will tell you if he/she DOES sleep or love someone else isn't abusive.

I think the ownership issue comes up in relationships of all varieties - monogamous, polyamorous, polygamous (probably more often in religious traditions that call for this), friendships, families, etc. It all depends on the people, not the relationship structure.

[Tonberry]

Sounds like whoever told you that is a "One True Way" person. I disagree with them. In my opinion the number of partners and/or rules isn't what makes a relationship abusive. The way the partners treat one another and possibly the content of the rules are.

[Ready2Fly]

I don't think that they're abusive just because they're monogamous. Any kind of relationship can be abused by abusers.

I do think that suffering is built into strict monogamy, though, because it's the natural desire of humans to want to make intimate connections with people around them. When that desire arises, strict monogamy reduces your choices to betraying your partner by acting on it, or betraying yourself by suppressing the desire.

[zephyrrine]

Originally Posted by Ready2Fly

I do think that suffering is built into strict monogamy, though, because it's the natural desire of humans to want to make intimate connections with people around them. When that desire arises, strict monogamy reduces your choices to betraying your partner by acting on it, or betraying yourself by suppressing the desire.

That is what I believe as well. This person ideas of relationships were truley shocking to me

[Derbylicious]

It's only abusive if it's not agreed upon by both parties. If both people want to be in a monogamous relationship with each other I fail to see the problem.

[km34]

Originally Posted by Ready2Fly

I do think that suffering is built into strict monogamy, though, because it's the natural desire of humans to want to make intimate connections with people around them. When that desire arises, strict monogamy reduces your choices to betraying your partner by acting on it, or betraying yourself by suppressing the desire.

I don't see this being the case in all monogamous situations - in some, sure, but certainly not all. If someone truly believes in monogamy, then there is at least one more option: taking that desire and turning it into passion with your partner.

I do that when there is a person I really want, but know it would never work. I focus that desire and that energy on my actual partner(s) and usually have a very good time because of it.

[CielDuMatin]

Ugh, spare us from the One True Wayers. Those claiming that poly is somehow "more evolved than the slavery of monogamy". It's insulting to those who are quite happily making it work for themselves.

[Nudibranch]

Originally Posted by Ready2Fly

I do think that suffering is built into strict monogamy, though, because it's the natural desire of humans to want to make intimate connections with people around them. When that desire arises, strict monogamy reduces your choices to betraying your partner by acting on it, or betraying yourself by suppressing the desire.

This assumes that everyone has a desire pattern such as--apparently--yours is.

I've known many people--and was one for 15 years--who never looked at another person besides their partner and was as happy with that as I was at other times when I had intimate connections with other people.

I will note however that a lot of monogamous people DO have "intimate connections" of various sorts. They just may not look like sex.

Then again, I detest generalizations such as "it's the natural desire of humans to want Thing X." Case in point: I know a lot of introverts who are absolutely at their happiest and most creative when they don't have to deal with other people at all.

[Arrowbound]

Not at all. Even when we were mono (in practice) he knew there was no ownership and continues to know. I belong to me. He belongs to him. It has always been that way and will continue to be that way.

I hate overblown statements like that. Like you gotta be kidding me.