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Old 05-24-2012, 06:34 AM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
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My late $.02 for what it may or may not be worth. The part in this thread that grabbed my attention immediately (in a negative manner) were the two words used in the title of this thread, "Teacher & Protector". For me, it's rather condescending to assume another adult needs a "teacher and protector".

One might love someone and believe they have experiences/information that the other person needs to or might benefit from learning. One might love someone and have feelings that the other person needs to be "protected". But nowhere in the discussion of why the husband wanted to bring this woman into their lives did I hear that this other woman had told this guy that she felt she needed him to teach her something, or that she needed him to protect her. I got a sense of unhealthy relationship dynamics involving co-dependency and poor boundaries.....where the husband likes and needs to be needed, and "just knows what's best" for this other woman while not bothering to check it out with her. This to me implies a rather unequal relationship dynamic, where one considers oneself superior to the other in terms of assuming they know what's best for another person. More of a "parent-child" dynamic....a "teacher-student" dynamic. This also came out when it was stated that it wouldn't have been ok if the husband had just wanted to bring a "girlfriend" into the relationship. It was only under consideration because this poor, unfortunate younger woman deserved and needed a teacher and protector!! (What the heck??!!)

It's at this point that I started to have some "creepy" feelings about the potential for a "predatory" type of relationship..."predatory" in terms of there being a perceived power differential between two people. This "power" could take the form of someone having....or assuming they have... more knowledge, possessions, etc. than the other person involved in the relationship, and using that "power" to try and benefit him/herself. It doesn't matter if they were also trying to benefit the other person. This is not true love or healthy love in my book!! It's a set up for potential emotional, physical, spiritual, etc., manipulation and abuse.

If another adult ever ASSUMED without asking me that I needed them to "teach" me something or that I needed to be "protected" (Unless I was totally medically incompetent/incapable of communicating my wants/needs clearly) I would be very upset with them. I certainly wouldn't perceive it as a healthy type of "love" and would definitely question their motive(s).

Last edited by dragonflysky; 05-24-2012 at 06:56 AM.
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Old 05-24-2012, 08:37 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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My main issue with this entire situation is that he is trying to get her to go directly from one relationship to another. If she is in an emotionally difficult situation, then more than likely she does have emotional clarity about what she wants in the future. Hence my comment about being predatory - he is putting pressure on her during a difficult time. Whether or not he means it as pressure is irrelevant.

Wanting what's best for her is one thing. Trying to influence her perception about what is best for her is another.

I don't doubt that you both are overall good people who want her to be happy, I just don't approve of the method you chose to use.

I also agree that this is a wonderful opportunity for the two of you to talk about polyamory/open relationships in general to see if it is something that only came up because of the situation or if it is something that you may want to pursue anyway.
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Old 05-24-2012, 08:57 AM
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Arrowbound Arrowbound is offline
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Originally Posted by PossiblyPoly View Post
This is where my partial summarization of the situation has made things messy.

My husband, C and her boyfriend have been friends for about a year. He's known the boyfriend for a many years. The week with them was a planned vacation. It just happened that their relationship started to crack before he got there.
Thanks for clarifying PP.
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Old 05-24-2012, 11:41 AM
PossiblyPoly PossiblyPoly is offline
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nycindie - Yes, the fact that he already knew her, and had for a long time was a big part of why it was more acceptable. She's a friend, if not my friend, yet. He already has some kind of relationship with her, so it wasn't as if he just saw someone, thought they were interesting or pretty or whatever and wanted to bring her home.

I don't believe it has opened the door. At least not for me. I'd prefer we stayed a twosome 'til the day we died. However, I don't believe in absolutes. So I can't say that if he broached subject later, with someone else as the third, I would outright say no. Should he do that, though, we'd have to have a conversation, I think, about his stand on poly in general. If he wants to open this marriage up to any candidate that he takes an interest in, I don't know as I'd be quite as okay with it.

dragonflysky - I said in one of my early posts that the title was a poor choice. I waffled when I chose it between "Teacher & Protector", "Adding a third" and staring at a blank screen. In retrospect, "Adding a third" would have been a much better choice.
We're not assuming we know "know whats best" for her, we simply want to offer her another avenue. G told her his feelings, let her know she had a third option other than Keep Working On It or Singlehood.
I didn't say anything initially about what C wants or thinks, because I don't know her. I haven't talked to her beyond a couple of texts. This was just an idea mainly between myself and G. We're of the type to try and get things clear between us before we really move in a direction. Obviously, he had to come to me with it before he went to her and fully discussed it. If I had said no, that would've been the end of the discussion. Why ever let her know?
I came here during that phase. During the "I have an idea" phase. As I've said before, we would have had a thorough conversation (many, I'm sure) with C, prior to actually doing this. If at any point, she said, I don't feel comfortable with this - done. Subject dropped. She's not a child or a pet, we're aware of that.

km34 - We weren't saying she had to come now. That too would be something ironed out in the details. It was just to let her know, there's an option. His timing could have been better, sure, but he's never very good at hiding something he feels. He is a cards on the table, kind of person. I rarely have to wonder what he thinks about something, he's usually already said it either by words or body language.
"Trying to influence her perception about what is best for her is another"
If there has been any manipulation, or influence in any direction, it has been for C to see if she can't work things out with her boyfriend. That's what she wants right now. Also that relationship, as well as her feelings on it, would have to come to a resolution of sorts before we come into the picture anyway. We certainly wouldn't advocate her bailing on that one to come be with us. How would that speak to any issues the three of us might have? What lesson have we taught ourselves there? Things get rough, jump ship?
Nope. She's got to play this one out.
Right now, they're communicating. A little, which is progress from where they were. He took her to dinner last night rather than logging on to his game, so I'm hoping they had a chance for a good conversation.

Arrowbound - Np. Though I wish I'd have done a better job of it to start with. We could have spent less time worrying about what might happen with C and how she feels, when she's not even really involved yet, and more time dealing with what I'm feeling.
Wow. That sounded narcissistic. But essentially, thats what I came here for help with.
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Old 05-27-2012, 07:16 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray View Post
I'd ask the mods to do something about it but they can be as harsh and judgmental as other posters.
Ahhh, that sucks that you think that. Its so easy to read things different ways in text. I am always willing to act as a go between, regardless of my judgement. As a mod I like to think I am not bias. As a poster here and long time member I most definitely have opinions. Don't we all? Its only human to judge. We all have an opinion. What kind of forum would this be without people expressing their opinions, challenging what someone is saying, asking questions to get to the bottom of an issue and yes, judging.

PP, your "I have an idea" phase has certainly cranked up the forum, lol. Glad you're hanging in there, we can be a protective bunch when it comes to what seems like a woman who is young and vulnerable in a heartbreaking situation. It seems to me that everyone who responded with judgement here was attempting to shake you up. It seems with the intent of altering your perspective on how SHE might feel and see the situation. An attempt at getting you and your husband to empathise rather than think of this love of his as a one sided deal. Hopefully she's a self assured woman that can read the offer you make for her self and decide what would work best for her own health now and in the future.

If she decided to accept what you offer she would not be the first we have heard of on these forums. There has been many that have come here looking for a situation such as you describe and many who have found themselves in similar situations.

We have had several stories of women betrayed by the couples that have offered protection, financial help, a roof over their head, love from two people in a parent child kind of way or owner pet kind of way (not saying this is what you are necessarily offering, just how it has sometimes come across in what you have said here). We have had some success stories too. Success seems to come with everyone in the triad being an equal. That is able to move in whatever direction that they see fit in their life, including having babies and other partners. If that is uncomfortable for you I would suggest not getting involved with anyone until you are able to accept whatever the future brings as I don't believe its within your control.

If you are interested in reading other stories you will find them by searching in the tags for "moving in" "secondary" "secondarie" "primary/secondary" and "unicorns" if you go to the tag cloud you will find other options too.
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