I guess this is my story, my brief, and much tormented story, of my experiances with polyamory.
My first experiance began with a couple that I met through pen palling. At the time I was a very gothic individual, not becuase I myself am much of a goth but because I have always loved people who are willing to think outside of the mold.
Thus I gravitated to the crowd of unusual creatures that marked the edges of 'Friendship books'. (Soiled little scraps of paper passed from pen pal to pen pal, with each adding a sort of platonic personals add.)
'Becky' found me through such a booklet and when I recieved her letter I was actaully at first quite impressed. She and her boyfriend were committed goths, free thinkers, and seeking a single, bisexual woman to join their love for a three way relationship.
I wrote her back eagerly, telling her that I was certainly intruiged by the idea. Something about the concept of loving more than one person and yet being fully intimate with both appealed to me so much more than the hard core, ridgid cut Christian diagram I had heretofore known.
The relationship between me and Becky progressed and at last her boyfriend was brought into the dialouge.
How breathlessly I remember awaiting their letters, and as I read each one, oh how very compatible they seemed with my own desires...
At last, the phone calls began. Mid-day and late at night, conversation about our hopes, dreams, desires... I went out of my way to write erotica for them, addicted to their approval of it all.
Finally the proposal came; "Come to us. Live with us, and be our bride."
I wish I could say I said yes because I loved them. But there was a darker truth.
Being raised in a household where grounding and curfews were unheard of because we never were permitted to go anywhere, I was eager to explore something beyond the world of the inside of my house.
At the age of 18, convinced I had found true love as well as an escape route from conservative Christianity, I boarded a plane bound for Florida.
I met Becky and Bill at the air port; and I think that the first glimps of their faces told me that I had jumped into a kettle of fish I'd not planned one. Becky was beautiful, stunningly so in fact, but her eyes were vacant and odd, as if focused on something no one else could see. Bill was large, blockish, with nothing fine or refined about his features. Gothic make up served mainly to make him look like an ill fish, and obviously lack of physical health didn't help his sex appeal much.
Still, I thought, this was the man who had captivated me with poetic decriptions of what he dreamed of for his life and his brides. I would have to give him a chance; judging by the outside if so fickle, I told myself.
They took me to their home and by the time I arrived I had pretty much discovered that I was COMPLETELY NOT in 'Kansas' anymore.
That night was my first polyamorous experiance in sex. I will not call it love making because though I was able both spiritually and physicaly to connect with the Becky, Bill seemed like an akward thing, something that was just... in the way.
Becky though, seemed to appriciate being the true focus of legitimate desire and thus I will not write that session off as a 'bad' experiace.
But no matter how passionate I could be with Becky, there was still a bit of terror for me to work through.
Bill pulled me aside later the next day to lay out his 'case' before me. He was, he explained, a registered sex offender. And proceeded to tell me how it was not, at all, his fault. I would have believed him too, were it not for the stash of 'barely legal' animated porn I found two hours later.
That pretty much cemented my distaste for Bill. Unjustly accused men I can loved whole heartedly, pedofiles however, are SOL with me.
Becky though, proved to be the worse disappoinment. I loved her; I truly did. And I did everything I could to show it to her. But somehow, through whatever twisted power was held over her by Bill, I found that the more I tried to show her love, the more she accused me of trying to steal Bill.
There was at last an awful scene with Bil threatening to kill himself, and Becky threatening to kill me, and eveybody yelling and screaming at each other. I believe that was the moment when I realized how unpardonably naive I had been.
These two, I found, were not the adult separatists I had thought they would be. Instead, they were sickly, reject children. Bill had declared vendetta on the world and become predatory. Becky had surrendered to so much abuse that she hardly knew what kindness was anymore.
I left after a mere two weeks with them; too disillusioned to be heartbroken.
I did learn that above all else; VERIFY, VERIFY, and DOUBLE VERIFY a person's true identity and feelings before seeking their physical company. Also, I do believe I learned once and for all that it was not Goths that I loved, but intellgence and creativity, and the Gothism was a substitute for niether one.
There is another part to my experiances with poly relatioships, but I will tell that in another post.
- All my Love.