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Old 05-23-2012, 03:09 AM
PolyCurious4 PolyCurious4 is offline
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Default Is it a deal breaker to date someone who is cheating?

Hubby & I have a differing opinion on this.

One of the biggest things I value about open relationships as well as poly is honesty & respect.

I personally would not date someone that I knew their partner was in the dark & they were in essence cheating. I not only don't want to be involved in drama. I also am not keen on being a party to the possible hurt of someone else. Most importantly I do have respect for others relationships, marriages, boundaries, agreements etc... As such it becomes a major moral issue for me.

This also applies to partners that are on their own are involved with cheating partners. My concern is if my partner is seeing someone who is married and is not being honest about it then I wonder of they value & respect relationships and when will that disrespect perhaps apply to my relationship or agreements we've made.

Hubby on the other hand doesn't have an issue with it. He feels that there is no way of knowing the extenuating circumstances. He says he would not necessarily become involved directly with someone who is cheating & not being honest. But, he does not think its an issue of character or have an issue to be involved with a partner who is also involved with someone who is cheating with them.

I'm just curious where others stand on this topic? Would this be a deal breaker for you when determining if you get involved with someone or not?
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Old 05-23-2012, 03:18 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I would consider it a dealbreaker for several reasons. One, you can never be open about the relationship, it by nature has to be in the closet. Bleh. Two, what if the betrayed partner finds out and violently freaks out and you are in the line of fire (hopefully not literally but sometimes people *really* take betrayal poorly... crimes of passion and all that). Three, if someone is willing to lie to their primary partner, the person who's supposed to be the most important person in their life, about something so big, how on earth could you be as naive to think they wouldn't lie to you about something important... like, say, STD status.

If I knew the person and knew there were in fact extenuating circumstances, I might consider a quick fuck. But dating? Hell no, for my own sake, not for any moral reasons... even though I don't think it's right, my concerns in this case are practical.
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
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Old 05-23-2012, 03:41 AM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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For a poly relationship, cheating would be a deal breaker. For FWB-type relationship, cheating is a deal breaker IF I respect the relationship/other person.

I'm a little morally ambiguous on the subject of cheating, I guess. I've posted elsewhere that I don't always see it as a bad thing- it depends on how one deals with it after the fact. And I certainly don't see it as the devastating, crushing thing that it seems to be to some people (but that's just as it applies to me). I'd have a WAY bigger problem with MC, like, gambling all of our money away than sleeping with someone else without telling me first (which is our agreement).

I don't respect all marriages just because they're married. I would encourage a FWB to stop lying and fix or end their relationship, and would probably remove myself from the situation if my presence was making things WORSE, but there's a bit of "none of my business" in there too.
Pan Female, Hinge in a V between my mono (straight) husband, Monochrome and my poly (pan) partner, ThatGuyInBlack
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Old 05-23-2012, 03:55 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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There is a ton of threads about cheating here. Have you done a search? Here are some goodies that address a similar vein as in the situation you described:

Cheating, once removed
Object of desire in a closed marriage?
Who's responsibility?
Need some advice and support!

Basically, my feeling is that EVEN IF someone's SO is poly and totally honest about everything with their partner, but the SO has to lie and hide and sneak around to have sex with someone who isn't open with their partner and is cheating, it is STILL lying and cheating across the board by everyone who allows it to continue. And no one wants that dishonesty and deception seeping into their relationship by association. You really cannot trust anything the cheater says while they are still engaged in the deception and betrayal. Number of partners? STI test results? Who knows what to believe? Cheaters have to develop lying as a talent in order to get away with it, so where does it end? So, yes, definitely a deal-breaker for me. I could not be involved with a cheater.
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Last edited by nycindie; 05-23-2012 at 05:35 AM.
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Old 05-23-2012, 05:19 AM
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lovefromgirl lovefromgirl is offline
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For me, total deal breaker. I don't lie and I don't want to be with liars. "Not telling" counts as a lie, especially about something this major. And what about the person or people in the dark? I've been on that side of the equation. I hated it. I hated watching what it did to my mum.

So no. Under no circumstances is helping someone else cheat at all ethical non-monogamy in my personal lexicon. Don't know the circumstances? Find them out + if everything's okay, then everything's okay. For similar reasons, I am not game for DADT situations.
"I swear, if we live through this somebody's going to find their automatic shower preferences reprogrammed for ice water."

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Old 05-23-2012, 06:12 AM
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Arrowbound Arrowbound is offline
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Definitely. I'm not interested in the sneaking around and all that, and it's an indication I'm not safe from dishonesty from them either.
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Old 05-23-2012, 07:07 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Originally Posted by PolyCurious4 View Post
Hubby on the other hand doesn't have an issue with it. He feels that there is no way of knowing the extenuating circumstances.
It's a deal breaker for me, my husband too. My first poly experience on my ex husbands side was actually him pretending he had been with a single person, but he'd been with a cheating married person. I can't ever imagine wanting to inflict that type of pain on somebody. My dad slept with almost every woman he came across too, so I find cheating one of the most depressing things that can happen in a relationship.

And of course your husband could know the extenuating circumstances. It's called getting to know people. I don't really believe there are any good excuses to cheat. Usually when somebody is cheating, the relationship they are in is better off ending - or shall I say, I've never seen a relationship be better off for cheating, maybe just putting off the inevitable for awhile longer.
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
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Old 05-24-2012, 04:00 AM
zephyrrine zephyrrine is offline
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Default do you think closed relationships abusive?

Recently i was told that monogamous relationships are abusive because they established a slave like ownership over you partner.If you are in a closed relationship with rules or anything like this, you are abusing you partner. Does anyone else feel the same? I completely disagree with this thought .
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Old 05-24-2012, 04:07 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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I don't agree at all. Generally relationships are monogamous because that is what both people want. Having the expectation that your partner will not sleep with other people or love other people isn't abusive, just like having the expectation that your partner will tell you if he/she DOES sleep or love someone else isn't abusive.

I think the ownership issue comes up in relationships of all varieties - monogamous, polyamorous, polygamous (probably more often in religious traditions that call for this), friendships, families, etc. It all depends on the people, not the relationship structure.
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Old 05-24-2012, 09:15 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Sounds like whoever told you that is a "One True Way" person. I disagree with them. In my opinion the number of partners and/or rules isn't what makes a relationship abusive. The way the partners treat one another and possibly the content of the rules are.
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