Originally Posted by PassionFlower
As far as being on my own, it seems to me there are very few people who actually want and plan to live life without partners or lovers. I know I can be on my own, and I will be okay. I know that if I leave I have to acknowledge that this may be my life. But if I knew for sure I would be alone for the rest of my life would I choose to leave? No. What we have is better than not being with anyone. If I knew for sure that I would find someone(s) to love and care for who could also love and care for me, in the context of having multiple lovers, then I would definitely leave. But what I have is the unknown.
I was struck by this statement. Others have commented that really, all we have is the unknown.
PassionFlower, have you ever been alone - as in single, living on your own (or with kids) as an adult? I ask because I've seen this pattern of not wanting to be alone - single or living alone or both - from many women who got married young, never lived by themselves or with roommates, who were often raised in traditional Christian families and communities. They fear being alone over all else. You note that you know you will be ok if you were on your own. I believe you. I do wonder though if you deep down know and believe that about yourself.
This just seems like such a sad statement that you would rather stay in a bad situation, a bad relationship rather than live on your own, see what's out there, what you can make out of life. And this is regardless of if you end up embracing polyamory or not. It's deeper than your preferred relationship style.
You are clearly willing to take risks and experiment - you've been testing out various ways to get what you need outside of your marriage. Being willing to be alone is different from wanting to be alone. You are correct that most people do want some connections from partners in life. But I've found that unless one is willing to be alone, and like it, embrace it and learn its lessons, then I am not fully authentic and geniune. I can't be because I am hobbled by fear. I'm not saying you are not authentic - this is my experience. Maybe it speaks to you, maybe not.