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  #11  
Old 04-14-2012, 12:35 AM
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lovefromgirl lovefromgirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
She went out of her way to let you know she wasn't interested. I think insisting would easily be seen as disrespectful.
Some things apply whether we're talking monogamy or polyamory. This is one of them.

Quote:
I am biased, because I have had a bad experience with "insisting". For instance, I asked a teacher out when I was in university, after the year ended. Because I was still going to attend the university (not with him as a teacher) he said, he couldn't date me.
I didn't think to say anything at the time. And if I had wanted to say anything at all, I should have done it right then. Instead, I went to him again later and pointed out that the problem was easy to solve as this university was hardly the only one I could attend, nor the closest to where I lived.
Long story short, while we had previously ended it on friendly term, he was really put-off by the fact I insisted and became upset with me, and seemed to feel worried by me (like I was some kind of stalker).
It was pretty hurtful, and I'm mentioning it here so that you know what my own experience is and how it is heavily influencing my advice. This instance wasn't the only time it happened (my insisting and ruining things), but it seemed to be the most relevant one to your situation.
Are you me? I mean, damn, that was my 2007. Much love to you for getting through it.

There is a serious "no means maybe" problem, isn't there? Romance novels and romantic comedies tell us this is a fine strategy to employ, and then we employ it without realising we're not characters. We're humans. And humans tend to get fed up with that kind of insistence in a hurry. I've insisted; I've been on the receiving end of insistence; it never ended well. No has to start meaning no, and so these days I behave in ways that are consistent with that philosophy.
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Last edited by lovefromgirl; 04-14-2012 at 12:36 AM. Reason: Whoops! Floating non-quoted bits.
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  #12  
Old 04-14-2012, 05:22 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I never advised that you insist on anything, I hope you know.

I just thought you had an opportunity for a conversation, which might allow her to get a bigger picture of who you are and what exactly you had in mind. And give her something to think about. But NOT by being insistent in any way!

The good thing is you can still develop the friendship. And friendship is no small thing, right?
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Last edited by nycindie; 04-14-2012 at 05:25 AM.
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  #13  
Old 04-15-2012, 02:19 AM
nllswing nllswing is offline
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Thank you for all the new input. After reading NYCindie's post from a few days ago, it occurred to me that the woman I am interested in has a very rich and full life and values her freedom and independence. It would be very hard to make her consider becoming responsible about someone, as it is expected in traditional mono relationships.

After the initial pain, I felt not as bad because I am not lonely (I have Athena). In addition, I could still keep the friendship with her and could let her know me better if she agrees to keep seeing each other in relation to the club activity. The latter I may suggest depending on how things go.

I agree that insistence is a lost cause. I did this for a very long time when I was in my teens. It did not work.

Currently, the situation is as follows: there is a likelihood that we will still be doing some of the club activity together: today I got a few emails from her regarding something in the club, inquiring if I will be participating.
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  #14  
Old 05-23-2012, 02:44 AM
nllswing nllswing is offline
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Default UPDATE - any thoughts?

So, the story continues as follows:

We continued meeting at the hobby club and sometimes outside in relationship with the hobby (what I previously was calling "vanilla activity" - it is a plain non-sexual hobby). In the last few weeks we have been skipping the club most of the time and have been meeting at her alumni club, which is a convenient place. Each time when we'd meet, we'd have a nice conversation for an hour or so, and then we'd get to work. These conversations are my favorite time and I let her, bit by bit, know more about me. I have been also learning quite a bit about her and her interesting life

Today I brought the topic of open relationships. Until now, she knew that my wife and I had "an arrangement." While she wasn't shocked at all, she said that she tried once to have a casual relationship and it did not work well for her. Then she mentioned something like "luckily, I don't have to worry about relationships any more." I told her some of the benefits an open relationship can offer and what my wife and I have agreed upon, and she tole me "I wish you luck." Also she told me that last year she had something with a guy in his 40s, so age gap is not such a big issue for her. There is something else.

After the dinner talk we did some hobby work and friendly parted with the understanding to meet next Tuesday at the hobby club because we haven't been there in a while.


I don't know what to do. I am in love, she is gorgeous, and it hurts me to come home after our meeting be start thinking about why aren't we lovers. Things have been going fine, except that we may be stuck at the "activity friends" area, and this is not acceptable for me. First, it hurts me because I really want us to be more and second, spending two evenings a week to be a "friend" is too much time for me.

I often imagine telling her "listen, it has all been fine but I can't keep going like this" but on the other hand, I don't want to break things up just yet.
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  #15  
Old 05-23-2012, 03:06 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nllswing View Post
I don't know what to do. I am in love, she is gorgeous, and it hurts me to come home after our meeting be start thinking about why aren't we lovers. Things have been going fine, except that we may be stuck at the "activity friends" area, and this is not acceptable for me. First, it hurts me because I really want us to be more and second, spending two evenings a week to be a "friend" is too much time for me.

I often imagine telling her "listen, it has all been fine but I can't keep going like this" but on the other hand, I don't want to break things up just yet.
Oh dear. Nllswing, I urge you not to let your attraction and desire for her cloud your judgment! Who among us can ever not benefit from a friendship?

She has given you a lot already, hasn't she? You enjoy her company, you are getting close - don't discount her place in your life just because she doesn't want to be involved with you in that way at this point in time. You don't want to blow it all and hurt her by taking yourself out of her life just because you wish it was a romance instead of a friendship. I say, invest in the friendship and let it deepen. Embrace all the feelings you have about her, and just let yourself feel them. I have always believed that we can benefit and learn a great deal from not taking action when we most want to. There is something to be said for allowing oneself to experience the love/lust/desire, etc., without giving in to the urge to do something about it. For now, let yourself get all hot over her and then, when you get home, direct that passionate energy to your wife.

I think that you would be cutting your nose off to spite your face, if you push it to be something more. It really hasn't been that long, try not to get so impatient. The desire and lust you feel for her will either eventually burn itself out, or she may come around and consider something more - but what if it takes a year or two for that to happen? Would you toss away a good friendship because you can't have your way now? Or you can simply enjoy having such a wonderfully delicious crush in your life. My goodness, not every temptation or fantasy needs to or should be be acted upon! I don't see why you cannot pursue a romance with someone else and still have your friendship and hobby once or twice a week with her. Count your blessings. It sounds too good to let go of, just the way it is right now!
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Last edited by nycindie; 05-23-2012 at 10:39 AM.
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  #16  
Old 05-23-2012, 12:21 PM
nllswing nllswing is offline
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Thank you for the thoughtful advice NYCindie

I have been thinking about what to write here, but almost nothing would make sense, so I'd leave it as it is. Each thought you present of quite true, but when I think about the whole picture, something feels odd. In any way, I will hang on and will see what happens.

By the way, I have been seeing somebody else in the last couple of months, and we are a bit more that hobby friends, but this is a separate story.
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