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  #21  
Old 05-23-2012, 10:03 AM
Gargantuan Gargantuan is offline
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I agree with others thatr he sounds like a predator, he want to 'make her feel important and loved' with sex? that's crazy. what is she, little red riding hood and he is the wolf dressed like her grandma.

it is so weird & i wonder if he fucked her allready. does he do this kind of thing? cuz it sounds like a kink fetisch of rescuing girls in trouble, but who is he to know so much? if my sister or neice met him, i wuld be scared and tell them to get away, because all he want is pussy.

maybe your pregnat hormones are gettin in the way of thinking strait cuz that is how he met you . but maybe he does this beforeand is a cheater?

Last edited by Gargantuan; 05-23-2012 at 10:18 AM.
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  #22  
Old 05-23-2012, 11:59 AM
PossiblyPoly PossiblyPoly is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Arrowbound View Post
And can I just say, from an outside perspective without all the details, your husband's deep involvement in C's situation is...strange. Almost a week visiting them? I dunno. Strikes me as odd.
This is where my partial summarization of the situation has made things messy.

My husband, C and her boyfriend have been friends for about a year. He's known the boyfriend for a many years. The week with them was a planned vacation. It just happened that their relationship started to crack before he got there. He had a sit down with the boyfriend and one with C. Their current situation is almsot identical to one we went through about 5yrs ago. He was trying to save them some of our heartache and give them the tools that helped us get through.
Big one? Communicate! Talk to one another. Quit going to friends and griping and talk to your S/O.
Another one? Don't assume that just because you don't agree the other person is automatically wrong. Their feelings are just as valid as yours, even though you may think they're way off base. Again, talk about it.
And so on....

Once he'd seen firsthand how things were going, and how unwilling his friend was to working with C, G's protective nature kicked in. And with spending that week with her, I think thats where love started to grow from friendship to more. He kept it to himself until a week after he got home. Then we talked aobut it. Another week later, he told C.

And yes, G feels, especially after talking to his friend (and getting nowhere) and C talking to him (and getting nowhere), that it'd be worth losing the friend to be in love with C. It doesn't make him happy. In fact, he's pretty pissed about it. Because, even though, it would cost us the chance to be with her, if C's boyfriend would get his shit together and treat C as someone to be loved and respected, that would make her incredibly happy. And that is the ultimate goal. G would like his friend to be a man, a grownup. If he's not willing to do that, and throws away his life with C, then G wants the opportunity and is willing to sacrifice his original friendship to do so.

No, we're not all knowing when it comes to relationships. We've just been through a helluva lot in our 12yrs together. Its been a struggle from the get go, mostly through outside interference, though we certainly had our own issues to bring to the table.
Sex with C is not the first thing on my husband's mind. It was brought up to let me know the level of relationship he'd like from her one day. Again, it would not be a "Welcome to our home, the bedroom is over here." type situation.

Thank you, to those who've commented on my concerns. C getting pregnant is getting ahead of the game. Way ahead.
But I don't think its fair to have her come to us and then years later, when she decides she wants kids, to be like..."Sorry, thats a no-go". Also, it's not fair to tell her that she can't have kids at all. My brain can go there. My heart is not so sharing. G's children are mine. At this moment (and pregnancy hormones could very well play a large part in this), I am jealously guarding that.
On the note of her fidelity to us. Our proposition is that it be the three of us. I don't like the idea of her dating outside of that. If thats something she wants to do, then I guess we'd stay in the dating phase until she made her choice. Be with us, or be with someone else. Just as she would if she were dating with the end goal of a monogomous relationship. I don't think that's entirely unfair, its just part of the bargain. If thats not acceptable to her, then this entire subject is done and we go back to life as it has been thus far.

Again, she does not have to do this. If she would like to come live with us and then go out on her own, with no relationship with us beyond friendship (and no sex), that is entirely up to her and we're perfectly fine with that. (Okay, lets be honest, G would certainly be disappointed, but he'd hardly take that out on her. Likely, I'd hear about it as he came to me for consolation. Which is fine.)

I'm really baffled by the creepy vibe. Is it our age? I'm only 33, for cryin out loud. Let a girl keep some of the illusion 30 isn't old.
Is it because we're married? How did we become Creepy Old Guy?

Also, I've got to say, I'm really resenting the tags that have been placed on this thread. Manipulation? Predator? Sex toy?
C is not, nor was she ever cosidered a sex toy. That is incredibly insulting.
G is not a predator. He was not scoping out the situation in hopes of dragging home a young girl to screw. We care about her, he loves her, I hope that I will get to know her enough to share that with him.
Manipulation. How are we manipulating anything? As far as C knows, this is just an option on the table. The conversations she's had with G still mostly concern trying to save her current relationship since that is what she wants. G simply wanted to let her know that, should it not work out, there are others who care for her and would be open to more. The goal at the moment is to get C's boyfriend to wake the hell up. No one is manipulating anyone. Cards are on the table. Possible down the road scenarios are something only G and I have discussed. If C decides to give this a try, we'd discuss them with her as well.
Dependancy, I won't get too worked up about this one. Yes, there will be some level of dependancy. It happens when you move to a new state with no one you know aside from the people you live with. Again, that is only a possibility. There is also the possibility that we'd move to C's state. Though that is at least a year out as well, since I'm not moving across state lines very pregnant or with a newborn.
Father figure. I guess. He's older, he's dispensing advice, he's protective. I suppose. Whatever.
Rescue fantasy. You've got us there. Yep. Its nice to be the white knight. We're very well aware that it may not turn out to be Happily Ever After. Hell, to her we might look more like a tin knight on a rented nag. Who knows. We would like to help, we have the capacity, we would like her to be part of our family. IF she wants it, we want to give it a try. If it doesn't work out.....it doesn't work out. We're all grownups here and we can handle it accordingly. None of us are the type to spend weeks sobbing in the corner because something we really hoped for or worked on didn't go our way.

*sigh* Maybe this was a mistake. I know better than to air laundry on the internet. Someone always misinterprets a torn sleeve.

Last edited by PossiblyPoly; 05-23-2012 at 12:25 PM. Reason: To add rant about insulting tags.
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  #23  
Old 05-23-2012, 12:15 PM
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Emm Emm is offline
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You already have her entire life planned out for her. How is that not creepy?

Edited to add: It's not your age. I'm 36 and wouldn't touch what you're offering with a barge pole.

Last edited by Emm; 05-23-2012 at 12:18 PM.
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  #24  
Old 05-23-2012, 12:23 PM
Gargantuan Gargantuan is offline
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1week and he's in love?- i call bullshit, hes just horny and sees a oppertnitnity.

you are living in a really strange dream, i hope she knows better and deal wit it on her own to avoid creepy creepy creep

Last edited by Gargantuan; 05-23-2012 at 12:28 PM.
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  #25  
Old 05-23-2012, 01:20 PM
ihaveasecret ihaveasecret is offline
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The real creepiness of what you and your husband want is actually hard to describe. I don't think there is an easy way to explain to you why it's so creepy. Also, I consider your backstory as you called it, to be the important part that needs to be addressed much more than the questions you had about getting pregnant.

As a man, I find this proposition disturbing as well. I have far too much respect for women to treat one like a helpless child who needs my guidance and hope to get into her panties. Vulnerability can be incredibly attractive but that doesn't give me license to take advantage of it. And as Emm pointed out, you've spun a rather unsettling fantasy in your mind about how you two want this will play out years from now, when she is still trying to get things to work with her boyfriend. How can you not see the creep factor in all that?

It's one thing if you offered her your home truly as friends, with solely her interest at heart and then, out of that a romance naturally developed on its own between her and one or both of you. But it's a completely different thing to bring her into your home with the hope that eventually he will get to bang her, and also that she would have to be part of your fidelitous triad with all the ground rules already in place. The relationship and its rules should grow out of all people involved, not be set in place by two people before they "bring a third in." That is not friendship! This is why people are creeped out! The entire idea chucks away the possibilities available to her as a woman on her own.

Last edited by ihaveasecret; 05-23-2012 at 01:25 PM.
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  #26  
Old 05-23-2012, 01:41 PM
PossiblyPoly PossiblyPoly is offline
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I'm female. Most female's I know have a tendency to plan things out. Its not a "This is how it will be", its more of a "This is what I think/hope".
You can't tell me that no one's ever fallen in love quickly before. Seriously? It does happen kids. I know people that have been happily married for decades that fell in love after a first date. Love is love. It has its own timetable. Sometimes it takes years, sometimes its right off. I'm calling your jaded bullshit.

And the sex. Jesus, but are you guys hung up on that.
Thats a someday thing. I can't believe none of you have ever started dating someone with the hope, even if it was at the back of your mind, that you'd get to sleep with them. Lets be real here. Half the time, thats what kicks the dating ball rolling. You find someone attractive, you go talk to them, you go on dates, voila.

I think perhaps you guys have a fantasy of your own that all 'true' relationships are solely ones that grow over years. Yes, those are beautiful, but there are other paths that take place too.

You know what? Forget it. We're Creepy Old Dude and theres no convincing you otherwise. And why should I? I'm neck deep in a decision to even offer this to someone, that should they take it will irrevecably rock my world for better or worse. I'm risking the stability of my marriage, my kids' lives, my own happiness in the offer to someone I barely know.
I came here for advice on my feelings from people I thought would have a better sense of if what I was feeling was normal for this type of venture or not. I think what I've gotten is a clear picture of I don't belong here.

Thank you to those who genuinely tried to help.
I'll figure this out on my own.
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  #27  
Old 05-23-2012, 02:14 PM
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Emm Emm is offline
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Perhaps you should take the advice offered, or will you only accept it if it agrees with what you've already decided?

There's a difference between "This is what I think/hope" on a first date and "This is how my husband and I have decided the next ten years of your life will be" on a first date. If you honestly can't see the difference then "Creepy Old Dude" is right no matter what your gender (and I'm also female, BTW, so don't try pulling the "but girls don't think like that" card).
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  #28  
Old 05-23-2012, 02:19 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Yikes, yeah, I think the thing with the tags is out of line. I'm sorry that you feel so attacked, and I can definitely see why you do. These boards are supposed to be here to help people but if we just drive someone away when we see something that sends up an alarm we're not exactly helping.

To answer your original question, yes, it's completely normal to feel uneasy about the idea of your life partner having children, which are a lifelong commitment, with someone you barely know. That should be something that is not decided now but left as a possibility for the three if you to work out if things ever got that serious.

Like I said in my post above, I think your situation reminds people of a lot of other really sad, painful stories that have passed through these boards and it's those similarities they're reacting to as much as the particulars of your situation. Not exactly fair to you, and I think it could have been handled more sensitively, but on the other hand if there's a dangerous pattern that you're stumbling into it, you ought to be aware of it.

Your language is, I believe, a big part of how you've been received. I linked to that one thread on "joining/bringing in" and then there's wording like "We aren't looking to continue to add and so would release C from us" which makes it sound like a) you and he have already decided the rules of this new relationship, based on what's going to work for you, specifically something that maintains your current dynamic and gives you guys freedoms (he gets two partners) that she doesn't get (she may only ever have him unless she wants to get dumped), and b) like you don't take her seriously as a potential partner (released? that sounds so benign, even pleasant... but getting dumped because you want equality isn't nice at all).

It's clear that you want what's best for C, you are being open-minded to what many would see as a radical idea, and you are taking the time to think about it. That's all really good. I hope that despite your negative experience here, if you happen to be reading this, you can glean something useful from this thread. Please understand that you can want what's best for someone and yet still, completely unintentionally, be unfair and hurtful to them.
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  #29  
Old 05-23-2012, 03:31 PM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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If it were me in a situation like this I would offer her a place to stay if her relationship ended and leave it at that. If she reciprocated your husbands feelings towards her then it would be time for all of you to sit down and hash out what each of you want the dynamic to look like. Likely there's going to have to be a fair amount of give and take on every side until you have an agreement that works out well for all of you.

I think it's a good thing that you and your husband have discussed this already since at the moment it's only the 2 of you involved romantically. And I understand not wanting your husband to have children with anyone else (I feel very much the same way although it has more to do with other children taking away from the financial security of my children).

Who knows, things may never materialize with C but you've had a very important conversation with your husband and you have both learned something about each other. When you're operating from a theoretical perspective it's hard to know how things are going to shake out in reality. Many of us have been where you are now when just starting out on the poly journey. There's no rule book and few examples of how to live this way around us in our day to day lives. Likely you will screw up, you're human. It sounds like you're a person with a good heart though. Keep on talking, both with each other and with any potential girlfriend who comes into the picture.

Feel free to PM me if this thread is too much for you. I don't see predator here, I see people who are new and who are trying the best they know how to figure out feelings and situations.
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  #30  
Old 05-23-2012, 05:58 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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I don't see "predator" or "creepy" either. I think some people are getting way too hung up on certain language that has different or deeper meanings in the poly community than it tends to in the rest of society. Not everyone who comes to this forum is already going to know the lingo. That's why we have the Terms and Definitions thread, so chill the fuck out, folks. In the 4-and-a-bit months I've been here I've watched some people here drive at least 4 newbies away, including my two guys. Pat yourselves on the back, folks, you're doing an ACE job of helping people by tearing into them like that. No, I know, this doesn't apply to everyone. But it's a significant contingent.

PossiblyPoly, if you come back to read this at all, I'd say take the advice that makes sense to you and then ask for the thread to be deleted. I don't think any good is going to come of something where people think it's ok to call someone they don't know, with only 2nd or 3rd hand information, a predator. That's a serious accusation, people. I'd ask the mods to do something about it but they can be as harsh and judgmental as other posters.
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