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  #11  
Old 05-22-2012, 11:06 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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There is still an air of arrogance surrounding your intentions, whether the sex happens right away or down the road. The fact remains that your husband has an ulterior motive in helping her, which involves sticking his dick in her.

At least have the guts to be honest and tell it like it is. Instead of saying he wants to rescue and protect her, admit that he wants to seduce her.

Furthermore, when someone is in the midst of a difficult relationship or recovering from a break-up, either of which is where she would be, it is not a good time to enter into their first poly arrangement. I really think you two need to back way off from doting on her and trying to turn her heartbreak into a relationship with you.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 05-23-2012 at 02:23 AM.
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  #12  
Old 05-22-2012, 11:42 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Is this how he went about getting you to marry him. "Hey baby, your boyfriends an ass. Dump the clown, move in with me and I'll show you how it's done!"

It just seems like you guys think it's OK to skip all the normal dating steps, because it would be a "poly" dynamic. It's not. If you really care for this women, be a friend! If you have her move into your home because she has no place else to go, do NOT date her. Once she is back on her feet, with a place of her own, then you can ASK her if she would like to date you. DO NOT approach her with your agenda of being one big happy poly family. Sorry, but it should take years before everyone moves in together.
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  #13  
Old 05-23-2012, 12:41 AM
PossiblyPoly PossiblyPoly is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
Is this how he went about getting you to marry him. "Hey baby, your boyfriends an ass. Dump the clown, move in with me and I'll show you how it's done!"
.....
Sorry, but it should take years before everyone moves in together.
Actually, you may have hit something there.
We did meet a few months before I ended an engagement. We were friends during that time, but shortly after my breakup felt like there might be something more.
At that time, he was half way across the country from me. Our relationship had been conducted entirely over the phone and online.
I moved to another state and he asked if I'd like company. I said I would and he bought a greyhound ticket to meet me. Initially, we were just going to have a casual relationship. Roommates with a bit of fun in bed.
Two years later, we married and here we are 10yrs after that.

Perhaps because of how our own relationship started, moving in together doesn't seem all that crazy. Afterall, it worked for us.

We even had something similar to what we're offering C before. The only difference then was that there was no sex involved. My best friend moved in with us for 3yrs. She had not known my husband before that. At the time, I wasn't comfortable with there being more than 2 of us in this relationship, though we had discussed it.
In fact, if it weren't for her leaving us to care for her disabled mother, I think we might be broaching the subject again, if not already there.

If C lived in the same state as us, we probably would simply begin spending more time together and do this gradually. As she's two states away, it would simply be easier to bring her here, give her her own space within the house and go from there. I can see where that might not be the ideal situation.

You're correct that these things would best be handled over time with everyone in their own comfort zones. I don't know that its possible in this situation. Honestly, I don't know that this proposition will even be taken up. C has a year of college left and we all agree that that is very important. Whether she finishes at her current school or transfers to the college here, will be up to her. All of this is up to her.

I'm not 100% that she will do this. Right now, she's struggling to get her boyfriend (whom she currently lives with) to show some kind of interest in saving their relationship. He told her this morning that he doesn't see the problem and therefore, is done talking about it, but she isn't ready to give up yet.

Which is another reason why I said it could be months, if not a year or more before any of this comes to pass. We've got to give her current relationship time to play itself out. G let her know that she's got another option should it not work. If it does, great. C gets what she wants, G gets to keep his friendship with her and her boyfriend, I get to keep my family where it is with no great upheaval.

If not, and she is open to this, then we've all got to sit down to a long and serious conversation. In person. We'll hash out the details of how we'll make arrangements and all that then.

My question here, wasn't "Is this a good idea?", it was more like, "My husband wants to bring another woman into our relationship and I'm mostly okay with it, up to the point of her possibly getting pregnant. Apparently, that is where my line is. Is this a sign of maybe I'm not as okay with it as I thought?"

Apparently, I should have just said that and saved the backstory as I've made a complete mess of this thread.
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  #14  
Old 05-23-2012, 01:20 AM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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First, separate the theoretical/fantasy from reality. Sure, in fantasyland, you ride in on the white horse rescue her from the stupid ass boyfriend, she looks into your husband's eyes and falls madly in love and everyone rides off into the sunset together. Nothing wrong with that fantasy as long as you both realize it has very little to do with reality.

Almost guaranteed anyone she dates after current boyfriend is going to be a rebound relationship. Do you really want that to be you guys? She sounds like she needs supportive friends, not someone who's long term agenda is to get into her pants. Be her friend first.

A word of advice: two women sharing the same living space is difficult under the best circumstances, add in a pregnancy/post partum AND a poly dynamic, you are asking for huge amounts of drama that will likely end in catastrophic disaster.
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  #15  
Old 05-23-2012, 02:14 AM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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What, move it so more people can jump all over her for her backstory, which wasn't even the point of her post?

Admittedly, asking for opinions on her feelings regarding pregnancy makes it not really a blog, but seriously, nycindie, "nauseous"?!?! Shame on you. I don't care how "blunt" you think you're justified in being just because you happen to live in New York, it was quite possible to explain your issues with her situation without being so scathing.

It's unfortunate that you give such considerate and wise advice at other times- it makes it hard for newbies to determine when they SHOULDN'T listen to you.
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Last edited by ThatGirlInGray; 05-23-2012 at 02:47 AM. Reason: typo!
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  #16  
Old 05-23-2012, 02:55 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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This does appear to properly belong on a different board, so I'm moving it.
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  #17  
Old 05-23-2012, 03:36 AM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
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Default Open minds, open hearts, open home.

It sounds like both you and your husband's hearts are in the right place. I can understand everyone expressing concern over the idea of everyone moving in together right off the bat, but I have to say that I don't think that any of your story strikes me as a "predatory" concept.

I have helped friends in the past by having them come and stay with me while leaving relationships that were no longer serving them. Have helped friends in rough patches by having them live with me for a few months, or just enjoyed helping them save for their first house while co-housing with me. Even if I was having sex with any of them (which one of them I was) I don't consider that predatory - I consider that living together, and having a relationship at the same time.

I think it takes a lot of courage to consider polyamory when you've been in a monogamous relationship for a long time. Kudos to you for not being totally closed to the idea, and for seeing your husband's ability to love another human being while still loving you. Obviously there are lots of questions to answer, and things to figure out, but in the meantime, don't allow people to bully either of you away from your truth - there are people with very strong opinions on this board and it can catch a person off guard at times!

She *is* a fully grown woman, which means that she is capable of choosing who she wants to be in a relationship - and who knows, she may choose your husband and a shared life with both of you. While it makes sense to consider larger life questions (like having a child, or living together) as a general concept, my only advice would be to take things slowly, and concentrate on communication and exploring what is in the here and now. I can totally relate to getting too far ahead of myself in relationship, and once I take my foot off of the gas and look around, I always feel much more grounded.

Good luck, and keep posting!
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  #18  
Old 05-23-2012, 04:42 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Hey there. You've stumbled into a lot of negativity that is likely because what you guys are considering -- "bringing in" a younger woman to your established relationship (there was actually a thread devoted entirely to people's distaste for this type of language, due to it's correlation with problematic situations: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=22905), moving her in right away, expecting exclusivity from her as a condition of the relationship -- are all hallmarks of the sorts of poly relationships that tend to be the most explosive, messy, painful, etc. It's so much, so fast, when things are still so new, so volatile, and frankly so imbalanced. Can it work? Maybe! Does it usually? No. And the person who gets burned worst is typically the newer, almost always younger partner.

There is a huge power imbalance between a long-established couple and a younger single person engaging in a new relationship with one or both members of said couple (great essay on navigating this situation: www.morethantwo.com/coupledating.html). By moving in she will become dependent on you. If/when it becomes messy, she may well lose her place to live. If/when she wants to be with someone else, she will lose the relationship (why is it that your husband gets to decide he wants to become involved with someone new, but she never gets that freedom?). If/when she decides she ever wants kids, she will lose the relationship. How is any of this fair to her or teaching her good things about relationships?

If he wants to date her, fine, good, there is nothing wrong with that. He seems to have kind of a paternalistic attitude towards her (what makes him qualified to teach her what a relationship should be... isn't he a flawed human being like the rest of us? doesn't she have her own things to give, to teach? and who's to say his love will protect her, when it might well break her heart worse than the situation she's in now?) but ok, an older man/younger woman dynamic can in theory be healthy. But don't assume you can incorporate her into your lives after a few visits and have it go well.

It takes a lot for two people to blend their lives, a lot of sharing and compromise. Are you willing to give her all the same opportunities to mold her surroundings, to arrange the house to suit her, to ask for sacrifices and compromises from him, the way you and he have surely done for each other in the course of your relationship? Are you willing to let her be a full partner in devising a new threeway partnership... or are you just willing to let her find a niche in the dynamic you've already created? If you cannot in good conscience say that you can give her full partnership -- and honestly, with all of this being theoretical at this point you can't promise anything, as you don.t know how you'll actually react when things are reality rather than imaginings -- then don't put her in the difficult position of living with you early on, and don't be so selfish as to demand exclusivity. Let her live her own life as an independent person and he can date her as such, visiting her in her own place, letting her live her own life with him as a part of it. Why on earth not do it that way?
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Last edited by AnnabelMore; 05-23-2012 at 05:27 AM.
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  #19  
Old 05-23-2012, 06:05 AM
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With regards to your territorial feelings, it's normal to feel that way. The crazed, uneasy thoughts of a metamour becoming pregnant took hold and I couldn't shake it in the beginning, even though my s/o had yet to become physically intimate with anyone else. Eventually I calmed down and realized I was getting ahead of myself, what with everything not moving nearly as fast as it was in my head.

I do think y'all need to reconsider this plan to move her in as your girlfriend though. If this relationship ends she'll need friendship, not an intro into poly.

And can I just say, from an outside perspective without all the details, your husband's deep involvement in C's situation is...strange. Almost a week visiting them? I dunno. Strikes me as odd.

Last edited by Arrowbound; 05-23-2012 at 06:08 AM.
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  #20  
Old 05-23-2012, 06:40 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Arrowbound View Post
And can I just say, from an outside perspective without all the details, your husband's deep involvement in C's situation is...strange. Almost a week visiting them? I dunno. Strikes me as odd.
I agree. It is odd. And what about his friend, her boyfriend? Won't it jeopardize his friendship with the guy if he steps in, swoops her way, brings her home, and keeps her as a lover? Or does he see having her as totally worth losing his friendship with the guy, which is a definite possibility, I would think?
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 05-23-2012 at 06:44 AM.
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