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Old 05-22-2012, 02:42 PM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
not having "outsiders" in my house is a fundamental requirement for me. There are other places that they can meet/hang out with/have sex with people - I only have one place to call "home." If they are chafing under this restriction then we can rent them an apartment or build a cabin on our property for this purpose.

My introvert nature has definitely become more pronounced as I have gotten older (and my job more stressful in terms of having to interact with people and be "on" all day long). But, at this point in my life, the bottom-line is that I could not live with someone who insisted on bringing other people into the house.

It's funny - I am a very strong Meyers-Briggs "E" but I still need that "safe haven" to recharge.

Sounds to me like Corey and his GF moved in together under one set of rules, and the rules are now changing in a way that is incompatible with HIS idea of "home". Her home or not, it's his too, and this needs to be negotiated since they don't agree.
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Old 05-22-2012, 04:30 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I think the disconnect here is that people are responding in a negative way to your list of rules because some of them make no sense for polyamory, which is multiple loving relationships. But polyamory isn't what you want -- you've said multiple times that if she's developing an emotional relationship with the other guy it's over. So, the problem here is that you're on a poly board asking poly people to respond to a situation that's not poly at all. Of course they have different ideas than you.

Communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship. Moreso for healthy open relationships, and even moreso for healthy poly. If she refuses to communicate with you, refuses to let you meet her other guy... I don't see how it can work. I'm sorry, I truly am, but why are you fighting for someone who won't even talk to you openly about this huge shift in your relationship? She needs to take your feelings seriously enough to talk to you about them. I agree with other posters that wanting to read her texts is not ok NORMALLY but after she JUST cheated on you... yeah, hiding them and guarding them jealously seems hella suspicious. She needs to be transparent here for, like, at least 2 seconds, to rebuild what's been broken. She needs, basically, to shape up or ship out.
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
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Old 05-22-2012, 05:44 PM
PaperGrace PaperGrace is offline
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I'm with AnnabelMore. I don't understand why you are in a forum created to support multiple loving relationships asking how to set up your relationship in a way that specificially excludes polyamory. I'm here to support love regardless of relationship structure, not to figure out ways to protect against it. You're clear that you are not okay with her being in love with any one else. Your girlfriend keeps saying it's just sex. It's generous of others to contribute, but I'm confused.

Last edited by PaperGrace; 05-22-2012 at 05:47 PM.
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Old 05-22-2012, 07:02 PM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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From what I've been reading here it sounds like she isn't giving you much reason to trust her. She's cheated on you and doesn't want to tell the other guy that she's in a relationship with you. Even with every rule or boundary out there if you can't trust someone they're meaningless. If I were you I'd have her live by herself to see if she is just with you for someone to stay with and pay the bills. If she really does love you she'll still want to be with you even if you aren't living in the same place.
Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok it's not the end.
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Old 05-22-2012, 11:18 PM
Josie Josie is offline
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 71

I'm not sure if this will help but it's what I did when first starting:

I had only ever been in monogamous relationships before but I agreed to enter into an open relationship - that later expanded to a polyamorous relationship - with my current partner.

Because I was so new to it I had a large amount of trouble knowing what the boundaries were and what I could or could not restrict, my partner had a similar problem, he never knew what was or what wasn't okay with me.

So, I came up with an idea. Seperately, we both came up with 3 lists.
1) A list of things we knew we could handle. (e.g. sex with other people)
2) A list of things we knew we couldn't handle. (e.g. one my boyfriend put forward - he didn't want me to be overly promiscuous, one I couldn't handle - him entering a relationship with someone he knew I really disliked)
3) A list of things we needed out of the relationship. (e.g. care, affection, trust, time etc.)

Doing this allowed us to compare our needs and figure out a way to compromise over boundaries.

This list was also designed to change with our relationship and, I found, that the more the things on the list 3 were being fulfilled, the less items there were on list 2.

Personally, I found that simply sitting together comparing lists and coming up with a new list of boundaries we were both comfortable with put me at ease almost at once. After doing this, the majority of my jealousy and worry faded.

However, it is possible that in doing this, you may discover that the two of you cannot come to a compromise and this probably means that you are not suited to one another. If this happens, it's unfortunate, but atleast both you and your partner will have a clear understanding of what you both want.
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Old 05-23-2012, 03:16 AM
strixish strixish is offline
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 50

I'm wary of "rules" when it comes to the way I live as a polyamorous person.

However, the points you list are not that unreasonable. The fact that you and she are so far apart on them helps to illustrate what you seem to be saying-- that neither of you is interested in polyamory. She wants an open relationship, and you want to bend in whatever way you can to keep a relationship with her.

Honestly, it's cool with me that you came here. Polyamory and open relationships are related, with all their differences, and a lot of people here (me included) work both polyamory and open relationships into the way we live. I think you're getting some good advice.

The best advice I can give is to consider whether you really ought to remain together. It might benefit both of you to end this relationship, as amicably as you can. Maybe she cares for you and doesn't want to separate, or maybe she's kind of a jerk (I am getting your side of things only), but the long miserable demise of a relationship is infinitely worse than a quick and merciful death of one.

But I agree with others-- in both polyamory and open relationships, open and honest communication is key.
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Old 06-01-2012, 03:23 AM
corey corey is offline
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Location: Spokane, WA
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I just dont get her, its like she says i can have the same thing as her - but then ever girl that comes around see seems to get jealous or something and says oh this person is horrible and if you ever sleep with her you should pour acid on your parts ...

Its like she wants this to go one way, yet she wont even let me meet the person she is seeing, i didnt ask her to tell him we are in a relationship but friends or roomates or something.

Anytime i talk to her she just says weve gone through this she tired of repeating conversation... i think i need to let her go, cuz this seems more about her then me

She asked me if it would bother me if i saw them being affectionate together (kissing, holding hands) but what pisses me off is she doesnt even do that for me so... i dont know
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Old 06-01-2012, 04:40 AM
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newtoday newtoday is offline
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Originally Posted by PaperGrace View Post
I'm with AnnabelMore. I don't understand why you are in a forum created to support multiple loving relationships asking how to set up your relationship in a way that specificially excludes polyamory. I'm here to support love regardless of relationship structure, not to figure out ways to protect against it. You're clear that you are not okay with her being in love with any one else. Your girlfriend keeps saying it's just sex. It's generous of others to contribute, but I'm confused.
And I'm with both Papergrace and AnnabelMore. This isn't poly, it's forced acceptance of an open relationship. That is obviously not something that you want and your set of rules are the means to regain some control over this life you hoped for with her. Yet she's not being too receptive to your thoughts or feelings.

I'm also with FigNewtonian......

Originally Posted by FigNewtonian View Post

You deserve better. I'm sure you could find it. Run, dude, run.
Best of luck to you!
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Old 06-02-2012, 09:26 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
Now...after all was said and done MrS came up with a new request based on the realities of our situation. In essence, he would like to be informed if he is going to encounter sexual activity if he opens a door in the house (only the bedroom and bathrooms have doors), so he can be braced for it. Since we live in, essentially, a three room house - bedroom, living-room/den, library/dining-room - that means he would like to be informed if we are having sex. Dude sometimes rankles under this boundary, he sometimes views it as "asking permission" - I view it as "common courtesy"... we are working on it...
An update on MrS's "inform me first" boundary (discussed up-thread) -

He told us a few weeks ago that this was lifted. If he is sleeping or we are out of earshot then we don't need to "interrupt things" to keep him posted. He is confident in our ability to judge for ourselves when it would be polite to let him know if sexual activities were going to be going on in the next room and he is much more comfortable with the possibility of encountering us being intimate - he doesn't need to "brace himself" any longer. We did set up essentially a "sex bench" in the garage which allows a greater sound-buffer if MrS is sleeping.

Just an example of shifting boundaries as everyone adjusts to changing circumstances and comfort-levels continue to evolve.

Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (24+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (6+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost lover-friend to me, FWBs to SLeW
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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Old 06-15-2012, 09:34 AM
turtleHeart turtleHeart is offline
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 90

Anything that someone says to my wife or I, they effectively say to both of us. Anyone that one of us dates, the other meets by the 3rd date to make sure we all get along well before things get serious. My wife and I don't do anything with anyone else that could potentially result in pregnancy, and STD tests for everyone are needed before going beyond manual stimulation. No romantic partners other than my wife and I are to live with us, though others can and do visit.

If someone wants to see one of us alone, it usually needs to be when the other is busy anyhow, except for special occasions like birthdays. I could see that changing if/when we're ever on the same work/sleep schedule, as then we'd have more time to spare, and it'd be difficult otherwise to still see other people.

All just basic rules to stay healthy, keep things somewhat simple regarding potential child custody and housing, and not wanting to lose much time with each other, given that most weekdays we only have ~5 hours together in the evening and mostly sleep while the other works. I think there's a lot we can be potentially flexible about if need be, but for now things are working pretty well. By design we get along with each other's metamours and are glad to hang out with them.

Last edited by turtleHeart; 06-15-2012 at 09:54 AM.
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boundaries, boundary negotiation, boundary pushing, boundary setting, broken agreements, dating, guidelines, jealousy, managing relationships, negotiation, poly, primary, rules, rules vs boundaries, secondary, trust issues, veto

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