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  #61  
Old 05-21-2012, 10:53 PM
corey corey is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I would wonder how much truth she is telling you to save her own ass. It doesn't sound like you are going to get an honest answer from her if she's afraid you'll boot her out. She might very well be in love. She seems to be behaving like that. A fun fuck session with a friend doesn't usually warrant days of constant texting to the point of forgetting where your car is. At least in my opinion.

She could be in love with both of you! This site is about and for people who are loving more than one, not the open relationship description you seem to be putting her into. That of fwb's.

This has only been a couple of days for you. I think you need to take a breath and let things unfold before deciding everything is one way or another.
Thanks I needed the reminder to just step back and maybe see how things pan out.

The thought occurred to me that to build this trust we could take a break or she could even move out for a while and then we can see if we still feel the same way and want to go forward. I guess I can only gauge her reaction.

Right now she had moved in with me and im paying all the living expenses she only takes care of her own bills and occasionally puts in for grocery or gas.

In the meantime I think I just need to step back and ask her for time before she does anything more with this guy (if she is still living with me) so I can figure out what I want. She obviously had months to think over this or years before she met me, but Ive only had a weekend.
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  #62  
Old 05-21-2012, 11:28 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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There's been a lot of good stuff said on here already, so I'm just going to add, because it's been referenced a couple of times:

Herpes can be transmitted just through kissing, even if there's not a current outbreak. So while there are other, perfectly valid reasons for asking for safer sex practices during oral, cold sores/herpes isn't one of them. She could kiss someone, get it, and still transfer it to you even by following all the safer sex rules during oral with other people.
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  #63  
Old 05-21-2012, 11:35 PM
FigNewtonian FigNewtonian is offline
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Corey:

I'd ignore the whole bit about you being controlling here. A lot of the Poly People™ have a very clear and loving construct that they operate under, but it really only works when both people are party to it.

That's not your situation. You're trying to adopt a different set of parameters after the fact because that's what she wants. Your boundaries are simply you spelling out what you want — no shame in being clear and distinct with that. Your boundaries are also clearly mono-style boundaries. Again, that's what you entered into and wanted, so it kinda makes sense.

You're bearing all the fiscal responsibilities that allow her to live this whole duplicitous lifestyle. For what? Don't take a step back and let things breathe — take a step back and ask what you're getting out of this but heartache and a significant fiscal investment into a woman who feels it necessary to ride another guy and then lie about it?

You deserve better. I'm sure you could find it. Run, dude, run.
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  #64  
Old 05-21-2012, 11:55 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by corey View Post
The thought occurred to me that to build this trust we could take a break or she could even move out for a while and then we can see if we still feel the same way and want to go forward. I guess I can only gauge her reaction.

Right now she had moved in with me and im paying all the living expenses she only takes care of her own bills and occasionally puts in for grocery or gas.
Then perhaps your Rule #1 should be that if she wants an open relationship with you, she either contributes half of everything or moves out and lives on her own. You don't need to be her doormat.
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  #65  
Old 05-22-2012, 12:06 AM
quiet2girl2 quiet2girl2 is offline
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I like your list and it's a good start, but i would try to narrow it down a little. See what you can combine into one rule, sort of prioritize your list.
at the end of the day it is all about compromise. it's no more fair that she announces what she wants to do in terms of having an open relationship than it is that you are the one to set all the rules.
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  #66  
Old 05-22-2012, 12:42 AM
corey corey is offline
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In new development i tried to speak with her (now its only been two days and only spoke once for a couple hours about this open relationship) and she is completely shutting me down.

She says she is tired of repeating things, its just casual sex nothing more. She just thinks a quick conversation on the day i was kicking her out would be enough for me to forget that she cheated on me and same day threw this new open-relationship in my face.

She is saying that I am acting like a child because I keep asking her to talk to me. I told her what I want "Communication, honesty, and trust" and she locks her cell phone even now after she has told me about open relationship, she wont talk to me, thinking that all she has to do is talk once.

The first time we talked and I started opening to the idea we didnt really finish the conversation because it turned into a sexual encounter. So she thinks that we talk about it once and thats it.

Im willing to try, but she doesnt seem to want to try at all. I asked her if she had thought about my perspective, or did research of her own (sine I spent 2 days reading about open relationships) to see how you should approach me about this and work with me through it. All She says that I need to "embrace" this and its just meaningless sex.
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  #67  
Old 05-22-2012, 01:35 AM
quiet2girl2 quiet2girl2 is offline
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I'd be very very afraid. sounds like she is stating ultimatums. they never work
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  #68  
Old 05-22-2012, 03:02 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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A few comments:

- Oral sex and safer sex. You can ask her to have protected oral sex, it seems like if she has safer sex there is no reason it wouldn't include safer oral sex. It's not very hard to cut open a condom and place it there, so I don't see why it doesn't even seem to be included in your options, which seem to be unprotected oral sex or no oral sex.

- About the house, if you're paying all the bills and she's not working or studying or doing the household or contributing in another way, I can see how you feel it is your house, your rules. However I need to ask for clarification: are you telling her she's not allowed to have sex in the house, or are you telling her that her friends are not welcome in the house, sex or no sex? Because I don't feel you have a leg to stand on for the latter, but I can understand the former better.

- With curfew, you can tell her you'll feel more comfortable if she sleeps in your bed, but I can't imagine having a curfew, personally. And I don't mean just in an open relationship, even in a monogamous relationship, being told "you can hang out with your friends, but be back by midnight" isn't something I would be fine with.
As for not sleeping in someone else's bed, it seems like a lot, after sex, when you're tired and just want to sleep, to demand that she gets up, gets dressed, takes a cab and get back just so that she's sleeping in your bed. It would be one thing if it was in a hotel and she just had to walk back to the right room, but actually going back out and all seems a bit much to me. But it could be just me, I can't imagine a scenario of "sex and run" when I have sex and don't stay the night (or kick the guy out). It seems like sleeping the night is part of the sex to me.
However, I don't think it's one of the worst rules you have, it seems like one that could be worked around.

- With the text messages, you have absolutely zero right to read any of her text messages, no matter who sent them and what they're about, unless she's the one showing the text to you. And even then, I would think it's not quite right if she hasn't first asked the sender of the text if she's allowed to share it. Same goes with email and physical letters, or listening in on conversations after you pretend to be gone. Once again, it's not restricted to people she's interested in.

Basically, I think a lot of the rules, you have to look at it and think, if it was just a friend, would I feel the right to have these rules? Because in many cases, the addition of sex should not change that. The fact that she has sex with someone doesn't mean you get to look at them doing it, or flirting, or anything like that.

On the other hand, I would be concerned that she doesn't want you to meet him. Because if he's her friend, it makes sense to me she would introduce him to you and I feel this should be the same. So that's a bit concerning.

What I see here is one side being more and more controlling and the other being more and more secretive, and them feeding each other. You guys need to work out a way to break that cycle. It's possible there are things she would be willing to share with you, but is strongly against sharing because you asked for them. It's possible there are things you wouldn't care much about, but insist on asking her about because she won't tell you.

In short, your relationship has a trust problem, and you need to work that out. The rules aren't going to help if you don't work on the trust issues. I would suggest seeing someone with experience in that kind of stuff.

EDIT: oh, and don't date someone just because she does. If you're monogamous, you won't get anything from another relationship. It sounds like you wanting to "get back at her", but that would only make you miserable. Depending on her, she might not care at all, be happy about you having someone, or be upset, but for you personally, if you're monogamous, it sounds like a bad plan. Plus whoever you end up seeing deserves respect and shouldn't be used as a way to get back at your girlfriend.

Last edited by Tonberry; 05-22-2012 at 03:04 AM.
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  #69  
Old 05-22-2012, 02:33 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Originally Posted by corey View Post
3. Home - She wanted to be able to bring him over here (assuming i wasnt home) and I flat out said NO! this to me is sacred place that is just for me and her - she seemed a little upset about this.
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Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
My wife said that sort of thing after we got together. I pointed out to her that any place I can't bring any guest I choose is *not* my home, so I'd be moving out into a nearby apartment. She doesn't get to choose who my guests are in my home.

So I understand why your gf is upset. You're trying to tell her that she can't choose whom to host in her home. I wouldn't be surprised if she decided that's unacceptable and moves into her own place.
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Originally Posted by km34 View Post
I would balk at this. It's her home, too, so putting that limit seems harsh. Asking for no sexual contact when you're around or in your bed seems reasonable.
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Originally Posted by YouAreHere View Post
I can see how it would be unacceptable for the OP as well, however. My home is my haven. My cave. My 'safe place.' Being Mono, I extend that haven to my relationship with my partner, and to me, that is within the context of *our* side of the relationship and not his to give away without agreement. That said, however, I wouldn't be uncomfortable with it if I weren't there (as long as we discussed it first), but the OP's mileage seems to vary here.

I *do* expect to have a say in who comes into my home, period - OSO, friend, acquaintance, or stranger.

Sharing a home prior to opening up the relationship makes this a very hairy situation, and it wouldn't surprise me for one person to have to carve out their own 'safe place', but this should be negotiated carefully.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
- About the house, if you're paying all the bills and she's not working or studying or doing the household or contributing in another way, I can see how you feel it is your house, your rules. However I need to ask for clarification: are you telling her she's not allowed to have sex in the house, or are you telling her that her friends are not welcome in the house, sex or no sex? Because I don't feel you have a leg to stand on for the latter, but I can understand the former better.
Obviously a lot of people have different views on this! It may come down to fundamental personality differences.

I am not at all comfortable with having other (outside) people in my house. Period. Nothing to do with sex.

My home is my safe haven where I go to escape from people and the world. After interacting with people all day I need loads of "home" time to recharge my emotional batteries. If there are other people (other than my boys) there then "the world" has intruded into my space and it is temporarily no longer "home". My husband has never had a problem with this (he is almost as much of a hermit as I am) but when Dude joined us we had a few incidents that had to be discussed.

On the few occasions where we do have friends (or family) over - I need to a.) be comfortable with the person b.) know about it well ahead of time c.) know when they will be leaving.

The protesters say "BUT, it's their house too" - yes, but not having "outsiders" in my house is a fundamental requirement for me. There are other places that they can meet/hang out with/have sex with people - I only have one place to call "home." If they are chafing under this restriction then we can rent them an apartment or build a cabin on our property for this purpose.

My introvert nature has definitely become more pronounced as I have gotten older (and my job more stressful in terms of having to interact with people and be "on" all day long). But, at this point in my life, the bottom-line is that I could not live with someone who insisted on bringing other people into the house.

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Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 05-22-2012 at 02:38 PM.
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  #70  
Old 05-22-2012, 02:42 PM
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Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
not having "outsiders" in my house is a fundamental requirement for me. There are other places that they can meet/hang out with/have sex with people - I only have one place to call "home." If they are chafing under this restriction then we can rent them an apartment or build a cabin on our property for this purpose.

My introvert nature has definitely become more pronounced as I have gotten older (and my job more stressful in terms of having to interact with people and be "on" all day long). But, at this point in my life, the bottom-line is that I could not live with someone who insisted on bringing other people into the house.

Jane(INTJ-Much?)Q
It's funny - I am a very strong Meyers-Briggs "E" but I still need that "safe haven" to recharge.

Sounds to me like Corey and his GF moved in together under one set of rules, and the rules are now changing in a way that is incompatible with HIS idea of "home". Her home or not, it's his too, and this needs to be negotiated since they don't agree.
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