Boundaries / Rules to Open Relationship

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by corey

I just dont want her to stay overnight, then it to me isnt really just that she needs to get her rocks off, it then seems like something more.

By this, you are saying that you have a right to dictate what level of emotional involvement she is allowed to have in her own relationships. Why shouldn't it be something more than sex? Why is it okay with you for her to share her body but not her mind and heart? Wouldn't you want someone to respect and care for her rather than just use her for sex? You don't own her, nor do you have a right to stake a claim to any part of her. She is her own person and makes her own choices. I think that, the sooner you look at it this way, the better able you will be to then make your own decisions about what you can live with, rather than figuring out what rules to restrict her with just to keep your insecurities and sense of possession over her in place.

And, of course, she can fall in love with someone else even if she abides by a curfew. Not "allowing" overnights won't prevent that.

[corey]

Originally Posted by nycindie

You are asking people to share what their rules are for open relationships. What I've seen with most poly people, I believe, is having boundaries that are negotiated rather than hard rules.

I think i must have read about 20 sites on boundaries, and 75% of the ones that I mention in my post are ones pretty much everyone has. Some of the others are surrounding the fact that most of what i read about open relationships is that I should KNOW the other person, while she is secretive about who this person is and what is going on and not telling them she is in a serious relationship.

As far as opening a new thread for advice, every relationship is unique so I wanted to be able to communicate what "her" idea of open relationship is, in that its friends with benefits vs something more complicated like swingers or other poly activities.

[corey]

Originally Posted by nycindie

By this, you are saying that you have a right to dictate what level of emotional involvement she is allowed to have in her own relationships. Why shouldn't it be something more than sex? Why is it okay with you for her to share her body but not her mind and heart? Wouldn't you want someone to respect and care for her rather than just use her for sex? You don't own her, nor do you have a right to stake a claim to any part of her. She is her own person and makes her own choices. I think that, the sooner you look at it this way, the better able you will be to then make your own decisions about what you can live with, rather than figuring out what rules to restrict her with just to keep your insecurities and sense of possession over her in place.

And, of course, she can fall in love with someone else even if she abides by a curfew. Not "allowing" overnights won't prevent that.

I made it very clear that if this is more than just sex and is more relationship like what she and i have, I dont want any part of it and she is more than free to leave this relationship and move out. At this point I am paying all the bills and rent and Im a student with no money so, in my perspective Im not ready to be used for a place to live while she is having other relationships and pretending to call it "open relationship" So these rules are things that I need to be comfortable with what she is doing. Otherwise I need her to tell me so I can end the relationship

[redpepper]

I would wonder how much truth she is telling you to save her own ass. It doesn't sound like you are going to get an honest answer from her if she's afraid you'll boot her out. She might very well be in love. She seems to be behaving like that. A fun fuck session with a friend doesn't usually warrant days of constant texting to the point of forgetting where your car is. At least in my opinion.

She could be in love with both of you! This site is about and for people who are loving more than one, not the open relationship description you seem to be putting her into. That of fwb's.

This has only been a couple of days for you. I think you need to take a breath and let things unfold before deciding everything is one way or another.

[corey]

Originally Posted by redpepper

I would wonder how much truth she is telling you to save her own ass. It doesn't sound like you are going to get an honest answer from her if she's afraid you'll boot her out. She might very well be in love. She seems to be behaving like that. A fun fuck session with a friend doesn't usually warrant days of constant texting to the point of forgetting where your car is. At least in my opinion.

She could be in love with both of you! This site is about and for people who are loving more than one, not the open relationship description you seem to be putting her into. That of fwb's.

This has only been a couple of days for you. I think you need to take a breath and let things unfold before deciding everything is one way or another.

Thanks I needed the reminder to just step back and maybe see how things pan out.

The thought occurred to me that to build this trust we could take a break or she could even move out for a while and then we can see if we still feel the same way and want to go forward. I guess I can only gauge her reaction.

Right now she had moved in with me and im paying all the living expenses she only takes care of her own bills and occasionally puts in for grocery or gas.

In the meantime I think I just need to step back and ask her for time before she does anything more with this guy (if she is still living with me) so I can figure out what I want. She obviously had months to think over this or years before she met me, but Ive only had a weekend.

[ThatGirlInGray]

There's been a lot of good stuff said on here already, so I'm just going to add, because it's been referenced a couple of times:

Herpes can be transmitted just through kissing, even if there's not a current outbreak. So while there are other, perfectly valid reasons for asking for safer sex practices during oral, cold sores/herpes isn't one of them. She could kiss someone, get it, and still transfer it to you even by following all the safer sex rules during oral with other people.

[FigNewtonian]

Corey:

I'd ignore the whole bit about you being controlling here. A lot of the Poly People™ have a very clear and loving construct that they operate under, but it really only works when both people are party to it.

That's not your situation. You're trying to adopt a different set of parameters after the fact because that's what she wants. Your boundaries are simply you spelling out what you want — no shame in being clear and distinct with that. Your boundaries are also clearly mono-style boundaries. Again, that's what you entered into and wanted, so it kinda makes sense.

You're bearing all the fiscal responsibilities that allow her to live this whole duplicitous lifestyle. For what? Don't take a step back and let things breathe — take a step back and ask what you're getting out of this but heartache and a significant fiscal investment into a woman who feels it necessary to ride another guy and then lie about it?

You deserve better. I'm sure you could find it. Run, dude, run.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by corey

The thought occurred to me that to build this trust we could take a break or she could even move out for a while and then we can see if we still feel the same way and want to go forward. I guess I can only gauge her reaction.

Right now she had moved in with me and im paying all the living expenses she only takes care of her own bills and occasionally puts in for grocery or gas.

Then perhaps your Rule #1 should be that if she wants an open relationship with you, she either contributes half of everything or moves out and lives on her own. You don't need to be her doormat.

[quiet2girl2]

I like your list and it's a good start, but i would try to narrow it down a little. See what you can combine into one rule, sort of prioritize your list.
at the end of the day it is all about compromise. it's no more fair that she announces what she wants to do in terms of having an open relationship than it is that you are the one to set all the rules.

[corey]

In new development i tried to speak with her (now its only been two days and only spoke once for a couple hours about this open relationship) and she is completely shutting me down.

She says she is tired of repeating things, its just casual sex nothing more. She just thinks a quick conversation on the day i was kicking her out would be enough for me to forget that she cheated on me and same day threw this new open-relationship in my face.

She is saying that I am acting like a child because I keep asking her to talk to me. I told her what I want "Communication, honesty, and trust" and she locks her cell phone even now after she has told me about open relationship, she wont talk to me, thinking that all she has to do is talk once.

The first time we talked and I started opening to the idea we didnt really finish the conversation because it turned into a sexual encounter. So she thinks that we talk about it once and thats it.

Im willing to try, but she doesnt seem to want to try at all. I asked her if she had thought about my perspective, or did research of her own (sine I spent 2 days reading about open relationships) to see how you should approach me about this and work with me through it. All She says that I need to "embrace" this and its just meaningless sex.