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Old 05-20-2012, 02:49 AM
corey corey is offline
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Default My girlfriend wants open relationship I need help and advice

My girlfriend brought out that she wants open relationship. And she says she loves me and this bring us closer and she says the other people dont mean anything to her.

Today she was texting someone and it just really bothered me because i dont know what they are talking about.

She is beautiful girl and of course is easy for her to find someone to be with like that. But I lack confidence and dont feel like I have the skills that she has to date other girls my girlfriends have been far few between.

We are living together now for 1 year. I dont know if I could do this and would like help form some people, maybe just to talk through this tough time with me.

I am open to answer any questions and hear any advice. Ive read many sites as well about making boundaries, and im somewhat open to the idea but i think i might get to jealous and/or dont feel like its fair to me if im not dating other people and she is.

help me please with advice
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  #2  
Old 05-20-2012, 08:00 AM
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Alleycat Alleycat is offline
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-Accept that she may attract more partners than you and that life isn't an equal equation.

-Learn to enjoy the happiness of your SO.

failing that;

-Develop charm, build your confidence and skills, meet people.
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Old 05-20-2012, 07:54 PM
corey corey is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by theMike View Post
I recently went through this very scenario with my wife of 14 years. This was not sprung on me all at once, as she has been giving me hints at different points of our whole marriage, but it was still a lot to deal with in a short period of time. I, like you, have never been good at dating and always felt I was in the game to find a mate, so I wouldn't have to do that again. Here is what I have realized:

Good Luck.
I hope it is okay that I PM you for more advice theMike
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  #4  
Old 05-21-2012, 06:55 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by corey View Post
My girlfriend brought out that she wants open relationship. And she says she loves me and this bring us closer and she says the other people dont mean anything to her.
(Emphasis mine) this is the part that bothers me a little.

So is what she is looking for casual hook-ups for sex that emotionally mean nothing to her?

The major part of what polyamory is (as opposed to swinging) is the idea that the various people in your life mean a LOT to you.

I think if I were in your shoes I would want some definite clarification of what she wants, and then establish the expectation that her actions match her words...
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Old 05-21-2012, 10:40 PM
corey corey is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
(Emphasis mine) this is the part that bothers me a little.

So is what she is looking for casual hook-ups for sex that emotionally mean nothing to her?

The major part of what polyamory is (as opposed to swinging) is the idea that the various people in your life mean a LOT to you.

I think if I were in your shoes I would want some definite clarification of what she wants, and then establish the expectation that her actions match her words...
My impression, and her descriptions is she likes to have guy friends, she likes the attention and they are just friends but there is no emotional relationship like she and I have, to her it is just sex.

I do find it confusing because you do have emotions even for a friend? So how can there not be more to this than casual sex. She wants to hang out with them like a friend and do activities and of course that includes sex.

She tells me that my acceptance of this makes her feel "free" and otherwise she just feels like a bird in a cage and that me accepting this really shows to her i love her (which to me feels like saying something to your folks "i want a car dad, cuz then I can help with the errands and it will make things easier for you"

She says she hangs out primarly just one person because its difficult to find someone that she approves of and also only wants casual situation and not serious relationship.
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Old 05-28-2012, 05:49 AM
laughingowl laughingowl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by corey View Post
My impression, and her descriptions is she likes to have guy friends, she likes the attention and they are just friends but there is no emotional relationship like she and I have, to her it is just sex.

I do find it confusing because you do have emotions even for a friend? So how can there not be more to this than casual sex. She wants to hang out with them like a friend and do activities and of course that includes sex.

She tells me that my acceptance of this makes her feel "free" and otherwise she just feels like a bird in a cage and that me accepting this really shows to her i love her (which to me feels like saying something to your folks "i want a car dad, cuz then I can help with the errands and it will make things easier for you"

She says she hangs out primarly just one person because its difficult to find someone that she approves of and also only wants casual situation and not serious relationship.
That sounds far more swinger, then poly...

Either way my advice to you...

Needs to be said, but will leave it at: have you/her considered and comfortable with the obvious health concerns.

Past that:

Are you happy/comfortable/getting what you need out of the relationship?

Are you concerned that will change if she finds more friends?

Address with her any concerns from the above two questions, if those are settled then you need to look at:

If she decided she need to spend time doing floral knitting, while taking a mud bath (or some other utterly female activity you have no desire/interest in) would you be upset if she took time off to do this? Or would you be happy that she is doing something she enjoys (even if you don't) and also put your time to doing something you enjoy. (most relationship do involve 'me time' away from SO).

Now ask yourself, is what she wanting really any different. (besides the very first health concern question, and even that what if she wanted to skydive, or practice stunt driving).

If she is honest with you (lying/cheating/dishonesty doesn't make anyone feel good), is not neglecting you, and she is not endangering your/her health then ask yourself, aren't you happy if she is doing something that makes her happy.

A final thought.... It is also possible she is feeling that you are not giving her enough attention. It might also be worth it for YOU to try to flirt with her some.. She may honestly want others, but it could also be an attempt to get you to give her more attention after 14 years she may feel, you take her for granted.... and some of the zest is gone.. (perhaps replaced by a deeper warmer confidence of a stable glow, but that fiery spark might be missed). You might want to text her about hooking up.... pretend your trying to seduce her for that first date... Send her an email asking if she will go out with you... That might be all she is really wanting also.
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  #7  
Old 05-30-2012, 03:03 AM
laughingowl laughingowl is offline
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TheMike:

That is why, I really tried to avoid the 'health' concerns. To me they are probably the single biggest concern on ow to deal with 'open' relationships, since as you mention, they are taking risks not just for 'you' but everyone else connected.
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Old 06-01-2012, 03:26 AM
corey corey is offline
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She seems to be satisfied with the sex we have so to her she says there is no emotion behind having sex with others and they are just friends and she cannot explain to me why she cannot just have "friends" with them but needs to have sex with them as well? she has no explanation to that

as others have mentioned i feel like im being used
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  #9  
Old 06-26-2012, 06:11 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I feel your pain, but some of it is of your own choosing by staying in a red flag situation like this. You just aren't going to feel better staying in limbo with a dishonest person.

Quote:
My girlfriend brought out that she wants open relationship. And she says she loves me and this bring us closer and she says the other people dont mean anything to her.
She's trying to sing the poly song? Well, in poly the people DO mean something. That's not honest poly.

Quote:
She seems to be satisfied with the sex we have so to her she says there is no emotion behind having sex with others
So she wants recreational swinging instead of poly then? Soft or hard swing? Without naming names/getting screenings? She got a deathwish for herself? Or for you? Y'all could end up cootified if she doesn't want to be an honest swinger.

Quote:
They are just friends and she cannot explain to me why she cannot just have "friends" with them but needs to have sex with them as well?
Because then she's lying about emotional connection to YOU, keeping YOU hidden from THEM.

Cuz she wants her rent paid by you while she does as she pleases. That mooching, and using you up and hurting you.

Also using THEM and being dishonest that direction too. If they do not know you exist they cannot know to ask to meet you or know your name, get your health screen for their peace of mind.

Quote:
she has no explanation to that
Cuz who anounces "I wanna use you up and hurt you cuz I wanna be selfish and mooochy" and expect the other guy to go "Sure! Mooch and hurt on me!"

She wants her cake and eat it too.


Quote:
She tells me that my acceptance of this makes her feel "free" and otherwise she just feels like a bird in a cage and that me accepting this really shows to her i love her
She doesn't have to feel like a bird in a cage. She could just be radically honest to all her people. There. Free out in the open information! Those who are in, are IN with her. Those who are not compatible wiring, ok, sad, but honest and can try to be friends. Life is. But nobody is stuck in any cages or stuck in limbo.

And love doesn't need "proving." It is shown. That you came here to try to understand poly and other things shows you care and are trying to understand her and at least learn the lingo even if it is not your own wiring. Commendable, certainly.

But there's nothing to understand if she's feeding you lines based on whatever is handiest at the time to get her off the hook of the moment. How is SHE showing love? She's not caring back by being slippery eel person.

From what you wrote about boundaries and then about wanting to open... she's just treating you bad. That ain't love. That is not honesty either.

GalaGirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 06-26-2012 at 06:26 PM.
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