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  #41  
Old 03-28-2012, 09:35 AM
ViableAlternative ViableAlternative is offline
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Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
Now...after all was said and done MrS came up with a new request based on the realities of our situation. In essence, he would like to be informed if he is going to encounter sexual activity if he opens a door in the house (only the bedroom and bathrooms have doors), so he can be braced for it. Since we live in, essentially, a three room house - bedroom, living-room/den, library/dining-room - that means he would like to be informed if we are having sex. Dude sometimes rankles under this boundary, he sometimes views it as "asking permission" - I view it as "common courtesy"... we are working on it...
Just a thought.... You might be able to solve this to the contentment of all with the old "necktie" thing.... If there's a necktie on the doorknob, then there's sex going on and don't open the door. Simple solution. And since MrS only wants to know if he's going to run into sex when he opens a door, and there's only two doors in the house, well, it'd be pretty easy to slip a necktie over the doorhandle. Then Dude won't have to feel like he's "getting permission" from MrS for sex with you, and MrS won't have to walk in on something unexpectedly. You could suggest this to them and see if it would satisfy both their needs.
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  #42  
Old 03-28-2012, 09:34 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Originally Posted by ViableAlternative View Post
You might be able to solve this to the contentment of all with the old "necktie" thing.... If there's a necktie on the doorknob, then there's sex going on and don't open the door. Simple solution. ... satisfy both their needs.
LOL! That has occurred to me actually

The situation is such however that if I open the door to hang a necktie (hmmm...do either of these guys OWN a necktie? ) then MrS is sitting at his computer desk literally 12 feet away so it seems much more natural to just take 6 steps over and TALK to him. I usually say that Dude and I are going to be busy for a while and does he need anything from the bedroom or ask if I get him anything from the kitchen while I am up. And if MrS happens to be in the bedroom (again 6 feet from the door) sometimes when I go in to tell him he will say - oh, if you guys want to wait 5 minutes I was going to get up anyway and you two can have the bed.

I get a kiss and a nuzzle and go into the encounter much more relaxed knowing that MrS is on board. So apparently I ALSO have needs I am trying to meet. A few times it happened that Dude was the one to talk to MrS pre-sex (like if I was already in bed) - and I found that that didn't cut it for me - I missed that moment of connection with MrS beforehand and found that it really distracted me. Perhaps I have to work on that.

On the other hand, on the few occasions that MrS was out of the house (with the full understanding that sex would likely occur in his absence) I did notice that there was some increased excitement from the "spontaneous" feel to our encounters so I think that maybe I need to engineer some more instances which allow this to occur. (Difficult right now but may be more possible in the near future).

The adaptations have been many over the past year, I really don't think we will have too many issues ironing this out as well!

Happy Loving everyone!

JaneQ
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (22+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
TT: poly male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #43  
Old 04-01-2012, 08:49 AM
insanity insanity is offline
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I am poly, and my bf isn't so, I let him do stuff with women that are 'dominatrix' and i kind of have a gf. (according to the rules now, can't call her that, or anything that sounds like that :\ )
I feel I let him do more than he lets me, and all he has to say is "don't let me if you don't like it". But I honestly like it when he enjoys (with some rules that don't matter here since he is not in a relationships with htese women..)
It is hard for him to enjoy when I enjoy since my case 'involves' feelings.

can't be seen kissing outside, when he is not around. Won't even talk about sex as it is probably obvious.
she can't come over for the night when he is not home
now he came up with 'you two hugging while sleeping is bad' and it really upsets me
I feel like being shaparoned, but there is no other way at the moment.. he says he needs time, but I don't know if he even does any thinking at that time

Last edited by insanity; 04-01-2012 at 08:54 AM.
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  #44  
Old 04-01-2012, 06:43 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Boundaries in poly relationships don't all have to be the same for each person involved. Why is it that so many couples (or triads, vees, quads, etc.) feel that all partners have to have the same exact restrictions when they are separate individuals? Then someone always whines about unfairness when the other person wants something different. People would do better by each assessing what their own personal boundaries are and negotiating from there without thinking that everyone has to abide by the same parameters. Just make sure that it is clear what is acceptable and respectful for YOU.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #45  
Old 04-01-2012, 06:59 PM
insanity insanity is offline
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It is not supposed to be the same for both, but if one is considerate of the other more but gets less it kind of sucks. especially if the other one won't discuss normally about changing things..
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  #46  
Old 04-03-2012, 10:22 PM
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rory rory is offline
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I come back to this topic, and always come to the same conclusion: there is ultimately a difference in my perspective to that of the question. It feels wrong for me to try to talk about "our boundaries" because I feel that for me boundaries are something that are mine, just like decisions about myself are something mine. I feel like any other way of looking at it is giving away some of my autonomy to a partner.

So, I will answer this in terms of what my boundaries are
- I will only accept honest, respectful, and caring behaviour towards myself
- I will aim to be understanding towards myself and others
- I will be considerate of my partners feelings
- If I feel the need to speak about something, I will not let fear (or other emotional barrier) stop or delay the discussion
- I will take care of myself and my need for space and time and autonomy
- I am committed to treasuring and upholding my connection to my partners and to other important people in my life
- I will work with my own issues and will not take other people's issues on myself
- I am committed to knowing (finding out) what I want and living accordingly to that (and by want I don't mean whatever feels good in the moment but more what I feel will be satisfying in the grand scheme of things)
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  #47  
Old 05-20-2012, 11:36 PM
corey corey is offline
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Default Boundaries / Rules to Open Relationship

What are some of the rules that everyone has with their relationships.

Since I already received one negative response, I want to make it clear - these are ALL rules that I have found online at MULTIPLE different "open-relationship" sites that describe rules and boundaries that people have. I am speaking of me being a primary relationship and her having a FWB sort of open relationship.

My girlfriend wants to have open-relationship and not "one night stands" but with people she says are friend and be able to have casual sex to fulfill this "need" she has.
I have always been monogamous so this is already hard for me. I just found out this is what she needs 2 days ago.

These are some things I discussed, I hope to hear what YOUR rules are, as well as what you think about what I have proposed to her:

1. Communication - i want to know when she is going out, and i want to know who it is (maybe even if it is just a name) - she seemed okay with letting me know this

Also asked if I would be able to ask what they did (not sexually) but hanging out as friends because it will help my insecurity and build our relationship - for example, if they go to art museum and she liked/disliked it, i would like to know and maybe thats something WE can also do and share together
- to this she seem a little hesitant, but POSSIBLY open

2. Safe sex - this is obvious - she is always safe, even for the longest time with me.... but what if someone has herpes mouth and there is oral? is it wrong of me to ask her not to allow someone to do something like that to her?

3. Home - She wanted to be able to bring him over here (assuming i wasnt home) and I flat out said NO! this to me is sacred place that is just for me and her - she seemed a little upset about this

4. I come first - When I go to sleep I want here to be in bed with me everynight, I dont want to go to bed alone knowing she is sleeping over with someone else. She says after sex (and i know she is like this) she gets tired and sleepy and said she wants to be out til 2-3am ... I want her home by midnight (see next paragraph)... - she doesnt really like this idea, cuz above mentioned

I proposed that at least until I have my first "friend" and understand that maybe she could help my jealousy/insecurity by saying to herself "its midnight she start thinkin of coming home, wrap up and let him know that she needs to get home" - she seemed POSSIBLY okay with this

5. She very secretive about getting text, i got upset yesterday we went shopping and she didnt even know where we parked because she was glued to her phone talking with her "friend" I didnt think this was acceptable because this was "my time with her" - i think she understood, however I/we are not sure how to handle this I mean, I dont want her hiding in another room texting but I dont want her spending 30 min texting this other person ...

I really would like to see these messages but she is pretty much like NO that is controlling ... maybe it is, she password protected her phone, i just want her to be open and i dont care what they talk about but it make me feel better knowing she let me see... she showed me once message the first day we ever talk but i could tell she deleted some of it and she lied (i think) saying she didnt... she also passwords her computer

I am not a snoopy person, but her hiding things like this has turned me into something i dont like, where i feel like i need to sneak peek at her phone or laptop... how do i handle that?

6. Cheating - how / what is cheating at this point? i feel if we communicate boundaries and she doesnt abide by them this would be cheating, however - what do I do if it happens? How do I handle boundaries in a way that I dont make her feel like she is being controlled? - she feels too many boundaries and demands takes away from me embracing this open relationship and confining and controlling her

7. Timeframe - i think she spoke about hanging out with this friend maybe once a week, to me that is a LOT but she says sometimes its not even sexual because it is a "friend" with benefits, so it doesnt always lead to sexual encounter ...

I know if I ask her to see him less that would upset her (she is really against "controlling") but maybe I can get some leeway since this is new to me

8. Ending her relationship with her friend - What can I do if I dont feel like I want her to be with a particular person, or if I feel like maybe she is getting to close, she seems pretty confident that there are ABSOLUTELY NO FEELINGS and I believe her, but things happen...

9. Someone for me to talk to - she doesnt want anyone to know, she has always been a private person, her culture, not just with this relationship thing but everything about her life, but I NEED someone to talk to cuz this is tough for me to know I have to share her - im not sure if she can be accepting of this

10. She should tell other person she is in relationship - She has stated that she and her 'friend' are clear that they are not mushy mushy or looking for relationship just friendship and casual sex if it comes up, but she doesnt tell them she is in relationship. I would like her to let them know - im not sure why but I think she would not really like this idea, which makes me feel like she is cheating on me

_______________________________________________

So what do you think of my boundaries, am I asking too much. Is it okay to have stricter boundaries for her to be sensitive to my "transitional" period, i think that after I have a so called "friend" encounter of my own, or even after time itself that I would be able to relax more and become more comfortable with all this.

Also, what other rules do you guys/girls maintain that might apply to this particular kind of relationship cuz this open-relationship she wants is a little different in aspects than what I have read online where all partners know everything and talk to each other.

Last edited by corey; 05-21-2012 at 01:57 AM. Reason: Negative response from AutomnalTone
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  #48  
Old 05-21-2012, 01:35 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by corey View Post
These are some things I discussed, I hope to hear what YOUR rules are, as well as what you think about what I have proposed to her:
We don't really have rules. We do have expectations that have been discussed, though those aren't rules.
Quote:
1. Communication - i want to know when she is going out, and i want to know who it is (maybe even if it is just a name) - she seemed okay with letting me know this

Also asked if I would be able to ask what they did (not sexually) but hanging out as friends because it will help my insecurity and build our relationship -
I view keeping Curly informed as necessity for scheduling. That's just a practical matter and really doesn't touch on polyamory, specifically. It's the same as if I'm scheduling going for wings with my friend, Bob.

As for your insecurities, those are yours, entirely. Trying to mimic everything they go do isn't going to make you any more attractive to her. If anything, it'll make you seem pathetic and turn her off.
Quote:
2. Safe sex - this is obvious - she is always safe, even for the longest time with me.... but what if someone has herpes mouth and there is oral? is it wrong of me to ask her not to allow someone to do something like that to her?
We have safe sex as an expectation, simply because we don't want to be involved with anybody who would put us at risk. It's not a rule, though. I just need to know if my wife has had any unprotected sex with somebody else so I can decide what action to take--using protection, myself, until testing shows her safe or leaving the relationship or whatever.

Quote:
3. Home - She wanted to be able to bring him over here (assuming i wasnt home) and I flat out said NO! this to me is sacred place that is just for me and her - she seemed a little upset about this
My wife said that sort of thing after we got together. I pointed out to her that any place I can't bring any guest I choose is *not* my home, so I'd be moving out into a nearby apartment. She doesn't get to choose who my guests are in my home.

So I understand why your gf is upset. You're trying to tell her that she can't choose whom to host in her home. I wouldn't be surprised if she decided that's unacceptable and moves into her own place.
Quote:
4. I come first - When I go to sleep I want here to be in bed with me everynight, I dont want to go to bed alone knowing she is sleeping over with someone else. She says after sex (and i know she is like this) she gets tired and sleepy and said she wants to be out til 2-3am ... I want her home by midnight (see next paragraph)... - she doesnt really like this idea, cuz above mentioned
She is an adult, correct? You don't get to decide that sort of thing for another adult. You can decide that for your children.

Were somebody to try to tell me what time I had to be home, I'd walk off laughing.
Quote:
5. She very secretive about getting text, ...

I really would like to see these messages but she is pretty much like NO that is controlling ...
Um...no. Oh, hell, no! Those texts are none of your business.

Were she a friend of mine, I'd be recommending she dump you. That's the sort of red flag that should have people running as far away as possible.
Quote:
So what do you think of my boundaries, am I asking too much. Is it okay to have stricter boundaries for her to be sensitive to my "transitional" period, i think that after I have a so called "friend" encounter of my own, or even after time itself that I would be able to relax more and become more comfortable with all this.
I think you need to deal with your own issues and keep them as your issues. If you make her deal with them, you can expect only heartache. She's an adult and fully capable of making her own decisions. You can concentrate on figuring out how to find equilibrium as things change or you can try to control and inhibit that change and alienate the person you're trying to develop a relationship with; I'll suggest the former is a preferable course of action.
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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  #49  
Old 05-21-2012, 01:55 AM
corey corey is offline
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AutumnalTone

Your responses to me feel very one-sided. I entered this relationship monogamously and she knew she wanted an open-relationship but didn't tell me. I only found out because she cheated on me with someone. That to me is unacceptable. However, I am willing to try this to make her happy, but also not be hurt in the process and still be respectful.

As for some of your other responses you are basically describing a different kind of relationship than we/I want. Im not looking for a relationship where Im just there to give her a place to live while she runs off screwing everyone or we have free roam.

From your responses I take it as though you are the type of person that simply wants to do whatever you want without restriction and consequence. She indicates she wants to have a primary relationship with me. Well a primary relationship whether it be monogamous or open should have boundaries.
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  #50  
Old 05-21-2012, 03:25 AM
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Shannanigan Shannanigan is offline
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I was where you and your girlfriend are about five years ago, except I was in your girlfriend's shoes. I'd like to weigh in.

Quote:
Originally Posted by corey View Post
1. Communication - i want to know when she is going out, and i want to know who it is (maybe even if it is just a name) - she seemed okay with letting me know this
Glad she was okay with that. I had the same rule with my SO when we started opening up, and it turned out to be an important one for us.

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Originally Posted by corey View Post
Also asked if I would be able to ask what they did (not sexually) . . .
- to this she seem a little hesitant, but POSSIBLY open
She might be thinking that there might be some things that she wants to kind of be between her and her friend, something that is "their thing". My "friend" and I really liked going to Hooters for All-You-Can-Eat wings on Monday nights, and while my boyfriend was always welcome, and on occasion joined us, it really was my and my "friend's" thing, and didn't feel the same/right with my boyfriend.

Conversely, my boyfriend once found out that I drove my friend to a beach at night and we sat in the sand and made out, and that bothered my boyfriend, because he felt that this was something that was "our thing." He asked me not to do that again, and I didn't. Communication was key. If you two can't be honest about each other and your feelings on these things, and if you BOTH can't be willing to compromise, this will quickly become a problem.

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Originally Posted by corey View Post
2. Safe sex - this is obvious - she is always safe, even for the longest time with me.... but what if someone has herpes mouth and there is oral? is it wrong of me to ask her not to allow someone to do something like that to her?
You can ask her to get her friend tested, or you can see if she's willing to forgo oral. My boyfriend asked it of me, and I tried for a long time to forgo it, but eventually I had to admit that it was too difficult for me - oral sex is a big part of what I feel is sex. I got my friend tested and we went from there.

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Originally Posted by corey View Post
3. Home - She wanted to be able to bring him over here (assuming i wasnt home) and I flat out said NO! this to me is sacred place that is just for me and her - she seemed a little upset about this
I'm sure with time she'll understand. If you need a safe space, and that's non-negotiable, she'll just have to decide whether or not she can deal with that. I definitely split hotel rooms with my friend when we weren't able to use his place. Be prepared for her and her friend to get creative with locations if she can't use the house, though.

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Originally Posted by corey View Post
4. I come first - When I go to sleep I want here to be in bed with me everynight. . .she seemed POSSIBLY okay with this
This did come up between my boyfriend and I. The biggest problem was that we were keeping my friend a secret, so often I would go out at night with my girlfriends as usual, and go to my friend's house afterward, which may not have been until 1 or 2 am. It took a lot of compromise and back-and-forth, and eventually even prompting from my "friend" once we were done to get out of his house and head home. What wound up happening was I had to choose on weekends whether to go out with my girlfriends OR go out with/hang out by my "friend's" and make it an early night. It was a hard adjustment, and there was a lot of sex a little too soon after dinner for my taste, but it wasn't all that awful.

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Originally Posted by corey View Post
5. She very secretive about getting text... how do i handle that?
If you can't trust her, this relationship is doomed even without opening up. My guy never wanted to read my texts or the things on my computer. If he was feeling particularly insecure, he might ask what I was texting/talking about with my "friend", and I'd give him a summary, but he never asked to see it. How do you handle it? Decide whether or not you can trust her, and if not, decide whether your relationship is going to work.

Her texting during "you time" is definitely an issue worth discussing - I was guilty of doing it often. At certain times, I think it's fair to say, "hey, can you tell your friend that you and I are having some "us time" right now, and you'll text him later?" Try to be nice about letting her know that you want her company, and that you don't feel you have it when she's texting.

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Originally Posted by corey View Post
6. Cheating - how / what is cheating at this point?
Some boundaries exist out of necessity and need to be discussed, others you're going to want to create because they'll make you feel better, but the reality is, is that too many boundaries IS controlling, and will doom you to failure. I was told this when I first asked the questions you were asking, and was sure I could handle it, but one by one, I found that I couldn't follow all of the boundaries my boyfriend had set up. The curfew and oral sex were big ones, and I admitted to him one night that I had broken the oral sex "rule," which was "cheating," and that's what spurred the discussion, the STD testing, and the adjustment of that boundary.

Quote:
Originally Posted by corey View Post
7. Timeframe - i think she spoke about hanging out with this friend maybe once a week. . .this is new to me
If this is what she has in mind, it's probably what is going to happen if she is an adult and has transportation. If you're really unable to deal with her being absent that often (after trying it for a bit), perhaps you could ask her how she'd feel if you asked her to skip a week once in a while, to remind you of how important you are to her.

I'm really hoping that SHE is as concerned about all of this as you are, because it will be necessary for her to do quite a bit of re-assuring and re-stating her love for you and your importance to her. If she doesn't seem able to do this, you might be in for quite the bumpy ride.

Quote:
Originally Posted by corey View Post
8. Ending her relationship with her friend. . . things happen...
Things do happen, and you can't stop them. In article I recently read on the topic of open marriages, a woman said that her friends say, "but your husband might leave you for someone else!" and she says, "Yeah, or he might run away and join the circus, there are no guarantees, monogamy or not." You are posting in a polyamory forum, and I'm going to be honest with you here: I fell in love with my "friend." I still am in love with him. It was hard for my boyfriend, but once he realized I still loved him and wasn't leaving him for someone else, we were stronger for it, and even more in love. That probably sounds devastating and impossible to you right now, but you should know from now, that we can't control feelings, and if feelings do develop, trying to stop them will only push your girlfriend further from you and closer to the person who has been accepting of her "other" relationship (you) the whole time.

Quote:
Originally Posted by corey View Post
9. Someone for me to talk to . . .not sure if she can be accepting of this
Perhaps an anonymous person here on the boards? Perhaps a friend who doesn't know your girlfriend, who lives in another city, far far away? My boyfriend would talk to his gaming friends on COD about it; people who he never met in real life, and I had no issue with that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by corey View Post
10. She should tell other person she is in relationship . . .makes me feel like she is cheating on me
You "think" she would not like this idea? Bring it up to her. Ask her. If she's not looking to leave you, I don't think it should be a problem. Have her tell her friend that she's in an open relationship, to do otherwise would be a lie of omission, and it's dishonest. If she's not willing to tell the friend about you, then yeah, I think I'd be a little worried, too, if this is supposed to be a long-term friend-with-benefits situation. One night stands, not so much, but this sounds more serious.

It's okay to start of stricter, to rules she's willing to follow, with the idea that maybe in a month, three months, six months, a year, you can revisit the rules and adjust if you've become more comfortable. You're going to have to move at your own pace, and she's going to need to be willing to be accepting of and communicative about that.

In all seriousness, talk to her. Talk to her about how willing she is to be "open" in this open relationship and honest with you. If you can't trust her to be honest, it won't work out (monogamously or otherwise). Some people share everything, some people don't want to know everything; know how much you want to know, and see if she's willing to share that or not.

Good luck.
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