Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 05-20-2012, 08:26 PM
Tdh17 Tdh17 is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 2
Default Ok for lesbian to be involved with a married women?

I am 23 and i have been messing around with a 32 year old married woman. Her husband is aware of the fact that his wife and I have a physical/sexual relationship. I confronted her about him and she says he is okay with it as long as we dont do Anything in front of him. I am usually at her house because my best friend is her roomate and i dont have my own place yet. Anyway what I am trying to get at is this thing we have going on as turned into everytime i am off i go to her house not just to see my friend anymore but, to see her. I am just feeling so many different emotions right now. I mean our relationship has progressed from intellectual conversation to being extremely physical/sexual. I recently took a day off from work to be there for her due To a death in her family that’s how much I a care for her. My family does not agree with the fact that i am involved with her, but i dont want to stop. I havent had this much fun in a very veey long time. I am content with the way things are but, i just want things to get complicated. I dont want to ruin her marriage because i do respect her husband he is a good guy. My friend keeps on telling me that i need to be careful and not catch feelings. That is easier said than done. I mean she’s told me before that if she was not married she would ask me out exclusively. I am totally falling for her and I know it and i think she knows it too but i think she has more self control than i do. What should I do? Put an end to it or keep it going?
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 05-20-2012, 09:14 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,107
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tdh17 View Post
Her husband is aware of the fact that his wife and I have a physical/sexual relationship. I confronted her about him and she says he is okay with it as long as we dont do Anything in front of him.
If he is aware of it and they have discussed it and they have come to a mutually agreement then it is probably ok. However, you may want to consider speaking to her husband directly to confirm this.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Tdh17 View Post
I mean our relationship has progressed from intellectual conversation to being extremely physical/sexual... I am content with the way things are but, i just want things to get complicated. I dont want to ruin her marriage because i do respect her husband he is a good guy.
As long as you are careful to all keep everyone in the loop and respect each other's relationships then it is certainly possible to have a relationship with a married woman without ruining her marriage. (Just ask my boyfriend )

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tdh17 View Post
My friend keeps on telling me that i need to be careful and not catch feelings. That is easier said than done. I mean she’s told me before that if she was not married she would ask me out exclusively.
Well, it depends. If the wife and husband have an agreement that she can see other women but only for sex than this could be problem. That would be a more "open" and less "poly" arrangement - which is fine but everyone has to be on the same page. My husband would not have a problem with me "catching feelings" for another woman, if your GF's husband would then that needs to be addressed. Just because she would be willing to ask you out exclusively if she were not married doesn't really change things - she is married, so your relationship needs to be based on "what is" rather than "what could have been."


Quote:
Originally Posted by Tdh17 View Post
I am totally falling for her and I know it and i think she knows it too but i think she has more self control than i do. What should I do? Put an end to it or keep it going?
That is up to you and her, informed by what this means in the context of her marriage. What do you want? What does she want? What is her husband able to accept? The only problem I see is that, if her husband is fine with you having a relationship with her but that you are trying to "steal her" from him to have an exclusive relationship. THAT would not be good.

JaneQ
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 05-20-2012, 09:40 PM
KitWalker's Avatar
KitWalker KitWalker is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 27
Default

I think this isn't the right question to be asking. The question you should be asking "Is it OK for me to be involved with this particular married woman?". Lesbian or not, doesn't matter. Other married women don't matter either.

The answer to this can't really come from people on the Internet you have never met. The answer can only come from the woman and her husband. If both of them answer "Yes", you have a green light, run with it. If either of them says "No" it would definitely not be OK for a variety of reasons. If the husband is not on board you would be creating problems for both of them. If you truly love this woman, do you really want to be a source of tension in her life?

So, to reiterate what Jane Q said, find out where both of them are on this, and don't necessarily take the woman's word for it.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 05-21-2012, 05:04 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

I think if I were in your situation, and know what I know now as a woman in her 40's, I would go to the husband and spend some time with him. Get to know him and see where he is at. Nothing like metamour love to know where you are at and what is REALLY going on. Chances are she will not leave her marriage for you. You are just a nice treat. Of course stranger things have happened, but I am telling you, a hot young dude takes time off for you where the responsible husband does not and it seems like love. The husband is just as caring, just not as available. It just SEEMS like more. I would take what she says with a grain of salt on that one. All this doesn't mean you have no value, just that you have a place and that you just need to figure out what that is and where you stand. What your role is.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 05-24-2012, 04:40 AM
Tdh17 Tdh17 is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 2
Default

thank you all for the comments. I will indeed speak with her husband one on one to clarify a few things. Also since I posted this, it has come to my attention that I am an outlet for her so to speak. It just seems like she is some what bored in her marriage and I am the outlet for her to escape to every now and then. I guess in a way we are both using each other for something, so I can not complain. I will take this as an experience and learn from it. Hopefully one day I meet a girl that's just for me.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 05-24-2012, 04:05 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,107
Default

Glad if our comments were helpful in any way!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tdh17 View Post
... it has come to my attention that I am an outlet for her so to speak. It just seems like she is some what bored in her marriage and I am the outlet for her to escape to every now and then. I guess in a way we are both using each other for something, so I can not complain.
I don't know that "using each other" is a very positive perspective - you can "provide" her an outlet and an escape, you can "add" excitement to her life without necessarily being "used." I have great sex with my boyfriend regularly, my husband isn't interested in having sex as often as I am. Am I "using" my boyfriend for sex? Or am I sharing a great sexual experience with someone I love for our mutual satisfaction?


Quote:
Originally Posted by Tdh17 View Post
I will take this as an experience and learn from it.
This is a good idea from any perspective - our experiences, good and bad, can shape who we are (and who we want to be in the future). Learning about ourselves and other people is part of the journey of life.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tdh17 View Post
Hopefully one day I meet a girl that's just for me.
If this is what you really want then it is a good thing for you to know about yourself. I would point out, though, that if your ultimate goal is monogamy with another girl then, ethically, it would be a good idea that you are upfront with this with your current partner(s) and future potential partners. So, for instance, letting your married gf know that if/when you find your "one true love" you will be ending your relationship with her.

Some people may be fine with being a temporary part of your life while you are looking for your "permanent" love but others may choose to not be involved with someone if there is no chance that the relationship will become long-term. When I started my relationship with Dude, I assumed that, because he was single, it was going to be a limited-time thing until he found his "real girl". I held back my feelings because I didn't want to be crushed when he, inevitably, moved on. Turns out my assumption was unwarranted, he was open, from the beginning to let our relationship evolve in whatever direction it took, he wasn't looking to "move on". So talking about intentions and possibilities can help avoid assumptions and miscommunication.

I don't know if any of this is helpful but your post sparked some thoughts for me...

JaneQ
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 05-28-2012, 04:22 AM
laughingowl laughingowl is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 22
Default

Tdh17:

I have to agree with JaneQ alot.

It doesn't really sound like the two of you are 'using' each other any more then any relationship. It does sound like both of you have a healthy respectful relationship.

The relationship sounds pretty symbiotic to me.

Now I will also agree on the thought of you finding 'the one girl for you'. Honesty in any relationship is important, the more so in more complicated relationships. So to avoid possibly very hard feeling later on, all THREE of you need to be clear on what each of you expect out of this relationship.

If all three are expecting a causal 'friend with benefits' but not life/soulmate partners for life, thats fine.

If all three of you are expecting (or hoping) for life-partners, that's fine...

However, if one (or more) of you are looking for life-partners, but the others just are looking for casual break of routine, low-commitment... then folks are going to get hurt, unless they understand that.

You do seem to care about your friend, so it is more then just 'swinging' and casual sex. So my suggestion would be first talk to her, about your relationship and what both of you want out of it.

Could she be the 'one girl for you'?

Is she looking for another long term partner, or somebody to fill gaps that her husband doesn't but isn't looking for deep commitment.

Once the two of you understand what the two of YOU want.... then I would suggest talking to the husband (either as a threesome or possibly you and him alone).

Even if he isn't poly, if approached delicately and with it clear that HIS feeling are important, that by caring about HER, you care about him (at least in so far as he makes her happy also).

Especially if you lean towards the long-term deeper relationship, inquire about how you can help HIS relationship with her. Would you consider helping 'her' around the house, so you could spend time together later on... Now, how about. helping HER around the house, so she could spend time with HIM... Show that you want to help him and her have a good relationship, can go along way towards helping YOUR relationship with both of them.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
lesbian, married

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:27 PM.