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Old 05-18-2012, 08:34 PM
PolyCurious4 PolyCurious4 is offline
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UPDATE:

Wednesday was Hubby's last final and so we've had some time to talk a bit (as much as possible between family time). We had a come to Jesus meeting after he signed up to stay late at school after his final. One of his professors offered extra credit to listed to speeches for students who had make up. It wasn't enough to make a difference in a letter grade so I called him on it. He admitted he didn't want to be with his family & that's also the reason that he tried to schedule time away with gf (not that he didn't want to see her but mostly related to not wanting to hang out with his parents). He has been in therapy working through issues related to his childhood & had a lot of raw emotions & didn't want to be around his dad. He apologized & said he knew it was unfair to me.

Since getting to the bottom of things I'm feeling better because Hubby is honoring his word. He has toned down texting with gf & has been more present with his family. We spent a great couple of days.

I still have my apprehensions. Some I know intellectually are irrational and based in my insecurities and things I am responsible to work through. Though my mind says one thing, emotions sometimes say another.

I know, and Hubby has pointed out, I have to trust him that he will treat me well & not allow anything that is contrary. The reason I say this is I am not keen on his choice of people (yes I know, they are not dating me, I don't have to like them, only have to trust him). I am not fond of the knowledge that the other men she is involved with are married but not poly - their wives have no idea & ate cheating. Hubby & I have always disagreed on this point. I am not interested in being involved with someone that is knowingly seeing someone who is cheating. IMO it shows they don't have a respect for others relationships. Others may disagree but that's a core moral issue for me. I'm not going to be a party to someone knowingly hurting their spouse. Again, his choice not mine.

I'm also not thrilled that she pouts when he can't either see her or talk to her. My thought is if you're not very involved yet and pouting what happens when they become sexually involved & their are emotions beyond the crushing that's going on now. Hubby has assured me if that becomes an issue he will nip it in the bud. I believe him. I just rather avoid possible drama in the first place but am aware I may not be the most objective & don't really know her.

I have been trying to sort out why I had such a strong reaction. Hubby has had interactions with women before. Though our quad didn't work out as we had hoped I didn't feel this way about her. I was happy for Hubby. She he confided that he had strong feelings for her I was happy for him. Poly is new to us but he's had connections with people before. It's nt been an issue.

One of the things I think that may be a trigger is that he's never had a relationship with someone I've never met at all. With the previous quad we spent most of our time independently. But I did know her and liked feeling of knowing that she respected me, my relationship & vice vs.

I think when i dissect it part of it is I don't know I trust his judgement 100%. I don't worry that he'd do something that would be damaging to us. I don't worry he's going to leave. I don't feel threatened that his liking her will impact how he feels about me. I'm all good there. But I do know from last experience he tends to be a bit naive when it comes to women. By that I mean there have been instances where there have been women that did not have good intentions or were disrespectful to our relationship & Hubby didn't initially see it. He is a good judge in character but he tends to overlook things that are concerning initially because he doesn't like to think people aren't on the up & up in this sort of situation. It's never gotten to far & once he realized it he nipped it in the bud.

I think another reason I'm sensitive is I don't have a lot of room for extra frustration or stress or drama. We have a LOT of stress going on right now. I have a chronic condition that causes severe pain. It was only diagnosed a year ago but has gotten progressively worse. I am seeing a specialist to look at a surgery option but it's not really promising. Because of my health I've missed a lot of work. This has caused financial issues which causes more stress. The ironacy is that stress can negatively affect my condition. Its been a lot of stress for Hubby to feel helpless. This causes insecurity on my part because to be in my 30's & to know our life may dramatically change because I won't be able yor be the spouse & mother I want to be. When I am having an episode of pain it impacts everything including our sex life. We both have always had a very high sex drive which messed well. Now I'm not always able to participate. Part of me doesn't want to limit Hubby because of my health (he's HUGELY supportive) but its also a very emotional thought to consider someone else may fulfill a need I would like to but can't always.

We are contemplating taking a break to sort through some of these issues especially considering these relationships are very new & don't want anyone to be hurt while we work through an emotional, stressful & transitional time of our life.
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boundaries, boundary negotiation, date nights, expectations, nre, texting

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