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  #11  
Old 04-11-2012, 02:04 PM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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My boyfriend's wife and I initially started out by waving to each other from the car or a quick hi, how are you over the phone when I called. This lasted about four months and then we had our first real e-mail conversation. She's a huge introvert and even when Runic Wolf and I would go over to their house to socialize, she would hide out in her office with the door open and comment occasionally. Eventually, she opened up to the idea of dating us, but her time and energy couldn't allow any of us the relationship we deserved, so we called it off. We still try to chat with her occasionally over facebook or e-mail, but she rarely responds; though she wants to be friends. . . . she asks Wendigo after us and we ask him after her, we wave in the driveway and occasionally will get a quick hug. But that is how she does friendship. If we're lucky, in October, we'll be able to convince her to go out with us for Chinese to celebrate our birthdays (hers and mine) and Runic Wolf and my anniversary.

It was very hard for me to accept her withdrawl after she'd opened herself up to us, but in the end, she pushed herself too far outside her comfort zone, and withdrew even further than she had been before we met. I know that she is completely fine with however Wendigo and my relationship progresses and I trust that she'll tell me if anything changes, albiet through him most likely, but I will know. Until then, I ask him to give her hugs from me on occasion and leave comments on her facebook page. She even liked one of them last week.

Good luck!
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  #12  
Old 05-16-2012, 07:29 PM
BaggageReclaim BaggageReclaim is offline
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Update time.

Jay and I were able to talk things out. Nothing dramatic, just voiced certain assumptions and re-set expectations. Funny how things are remarkable when they aren't working, but when they are suddenly it doesn't seem like a big deal anymore. Hardly worth talking about.

We're still talking about things, but I feel like we cleared the air on a lot of issues that had been causing friction. I thought we had good communication before, but there were things that were just difficult to talk about, but now aren't.

We had a month or so of blissful uneventfulness. Hung out all together once at their place. That was enough for me to feel reassured about how it all fit together. I told Jay that doing something like that once a month or so would be enough to make me happy.

Last week life threw a curveball. Bee initiated a relationship talk, and they essentially decided to split up. I don't need to get into the details. They've decided to remain good friends and co-parents and roommates for now. It seems really sudden but at the same nothing in their interaction has really changed. Jay is taking it pretty hard. I'm trying to be a listening ear and refrain from saying anything that might come across as judgey. Trying to stay positive about everything, and also dealing with my own feelings about the situation without loading it onto Jay.

What do you do when your partner is losing someone he loves? I think I'm doing OK but I worry about whether I'm doing it wrong. Poly makes everything feel new and uncertain for me.
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  #13  
Old 05-16-2012, 08:15 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BaggageReclaim View Post
What do you do when your partner is losing someone he loves? I think I'm doing OK but I worry about whether I'm doing it wrong. Poly makes everything feel new and uncertain for me.
Hi BR,

I have to ask, how do you feel about the breakup? Understanding how you feel about it will determine how you help and react. Of course you are hurting for him and his loss - you love him and want him to be happy. But is there a part of you that's relieved or excited about a prospect for more time/attention with you? Or on the flipside, is there a part of you that is nervous, uncertain about your future with him now that it's ended with his wife? Maybe a bit of both?

Our situations are (were) quite similar. My bf and his SO are still committed to each other but that uncertainty and all the other issues you stated are common in this type of relationship.

I feel for you. (((Hugs)))
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  #14  
Old 05-16-2012, 11:57 PM
BaggageReclaim BaggageReclaim is offline
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There's definitely been times when I've thought things would be so much simpler/happier if we were both single.

There hasn't really been any of that now. I'm uncertain about our own relationship. I felt like I was just starting to figure out how all the pieces fit together, but now they're scattered again and I have to start over.

I felt a bit of guilt the first few days. That got resolved quickly because it was completely irrational. Their issues don't really have anything to do with my personally, and very little to do with poly even.

I feel concerned for him mainly. This is a huge upheaval of the things that he's affirmed as important to him. He's rearranging his life. I have some selfish concern that I might not like what he comes up with. Fear of the unknown I guess.

I'm not sure how he feels about it. I don't know what he wants, and I don't think he knows either. That's the hardest part. Not knowing how to support him.
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  #15  
Old 05-17-2012, 02:48 PM
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[QUOTE=BaggageReclaim;135995]I feel concerned for him mainly. This is a huge upheaval of the things that he's affirmed as important to him. He's rearranging his life. I have some selfish concern that I might not like what he comes up with. Fear of the unknown I guess. QUOTE]


Your fears are realistic, wondering where you fit in in his overturned life. But when you take a step back and think about things, you are obviously important to him. He was only spending 2 nights a week at home, I'm assuming the other 5 were with you.

2 thoughts on that:

1. I'm jealous! lol. I get 1-2 nights a week with my bf. The other 5-6 are with his SO. In all seriousness, you must be very important to him for him to devote that kind of time to you. Most of us Mono-Secondaries would love to have that time or more time period!

2. Is it really any surprise that his marriage ended? Based on what you wrote about their relationship and given the fact that they had a new baby at home and he was only present 2 nights a week for her and the baby, it really shouldn't come as a surprise that his wife left the relationship. I'm divorced and my ex-H sees our children more than that now.

At the end of the day, all you can do is trust in the bond you two have and be there for him. He needs understanding (and probably space) right now. I'm not saying you can't talk to him about how you are feeling but perhaps, for the time being, focus less on what this means to you and how it will affect you and be there for him.

Be the support he needs, no added pressure, or everyone loses.
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  #16  
Old 05-17-2012, 05:29 PM
BaggageReclaim BaggageReclaim is offline
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Clarification - Bee said she wanted him home two nights a week at a minimum. He never spent more than one night a week at my place. The other two nights he was usually working late or at home any way. Sometimes I would visit at their place for a couple of hours. Weekends he would spend at home by default.

It's not really that relevant, but I feel like I've painted an unfair picture of him. I think he's been a devoted father and husband. Sure he spends time away from home, but I don't think spending 100% of time at home is reasonable, and it definitely wasn't the expectation in their relationship. Bee doesn't work (except for 4 days a month), and they get 3-4 days of babysitting a week from the grandparents. Jay works M-F, shares childcare in the evenings, is primary caregiver on Saturdays, and sometimes gets a break on Sunday to do chores. He's responsible for most of the housework and all the home maintenance. Bee doesn't get on his case about it, but she won't do it herself, so if he wants it done he has to take care of it.

About once a month or two she goes on a 4-5 day trip out of town, and Jay gives up his weekend and juggles the baby and his job. Last year he spent a week of his vacation time to stay home with the baby so she could go on a 10 day trip.

She does her part, too, but Jay does a lot. I'm sorry if this comes off ranty. I'm feeling pretty sensitive to accusations that Jay's been neglectful, because I think he's been trying really, really hard. It sounds like Bee's parents are giving him a hard time too, and he's not telling them everything (which would probably cast him in a better light) out of respect for Bee.
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  #17  
Old 05-17-2012, 09:36 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BaggageReclaim View Post
We all got together and talked (briefly) and implemented a schedule where Jay would be home two nights a week and alternate weekends, which seemed to make things OK between them.
Sorry! My mistake! I thought whenyou said that "we implemented a schedule" this meant that when he wasn't at home 2 nights a week and alternate weekends, that he was with you.

I agree that nobody can spend 100% of their time with another person. Between work and hobbies and other commitments, it's impossible (and unhealthy) to spend all of your time with the same person. The amount of responsibility he has that you noted, is normal in married relationships, especially when there is a child involved.

Nobody is accusing him of being neglectful. If that were the case, which you are saying it isn't, that reduced amount of time spent can be normal in a relationship that is ending. Sometimes it's easier to stay away than deal with upset and drama at home. Sometimes it's better to walk away from a situation than to have a child witness that kind of negativity.
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