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Old 05-15-2012, 03:07 PM
MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Ping-ponging around Europe, trying to get a publishing concern off the ground
Posts: 718

Wow! Interesting thread. Let me add my 24 beans:

I came here straight from another thread about a guy wanting freedom to screw with others, but refusing his wife (gf?) that same freedom. You can read my comment here. But I see a difference here: your gf seems to see her unwillingness to share you with others as a weakness on her part, a weakness that she has (has she?) committed herself to working on. She agreed to a foursome in the past, if not very happily. The fact that it went so badly (that the other couple were arseholes) has increased her wariness/fear.

I would lose all my respect for MYSELF if I were to say: "I'm allowed to do this but you're not". I think it's highly hypocritical. This means that I can really feel for you, polypenguin. On the other side, I know what a struggle it was for me to battle my own jealousies and my inferiority complex when I was younger, and I hope that I could be patient with a partner who needed her time to get used to the idea. I also think that women are probably bombarded more (while growing up and as adults) with insidious messages designed to rob them of courage and self-esteem.

HOWEVER, there's a limit. You write that you've set a date for the end of this adjustment period. What exactly are the terms of this end?

a) Is she allowed to say: "No, I'm sorry. I just can't handle the idea of your being with somebody else, so - in order to be fair - I'll give up MY other relationships"? If you both agreed that this would be an option, then you've got to stick to it, but I think that you, polypenguin, are going to feel burned. ("At least she got her chance to get it out of her system.") And (more cynically on my part, but I've seen several cases of this), she might SAY that she's giving them up, in order to avoid the hurt of you being poly... but she might continue the relationships on the sly ("because I can't stop loving them"). This is called CHEATING and DISHONESTY.

b) Or have you decided that - once this adjustment period is over - you're allowed to start dating whether she's ready for that or not? Again, if you both agreed to that, then SHE's got to stick to it... but SHE's going to be hurt.

I think that you really need to have "extensive and meaningfull talks" about that 4-some incident:
a couple weeks later, while staying over (though not sleeping with) that same couple, my girlfriend overheard a conversation between the two of them, where he said to his wife, (talking about me) "you need to go in there an fuck the shit out of him so she'll leave." Given, neither of us hang around with them anymore.
I think that you need to make clear to her that you were as disgusted by that attitude as she was. And here's what you really need to get across: that you love her and would never do anything to hurt her on purpose. We all have to accept that a bit of pain is wrapped up in the whole Love thang, it's [almost] unavoidable, but you 1) love her deeply, truly; 2) have NO intention of leaving her; 3) have NO intention of looking for somebody "better" than her... But fair is fair, and she's got to see that. Invite her to read this thread, read our comments. (I just hope that she isn't going to hate me, that she'll see that I sincerely have her best interests and her long-term happiness at heart as much as yours. Hell, I don't know either of you. Why should I take sides? I just know - from personal experience - that jealous, insecure people aren't very happy. And I'd like for her to be happy.)

One final question: Is your desire for poly freedom theoretical and based on needs for equality in your relationship, or are you actually already in love with somebody else? From here I'm about to jump into another thread: "Is it just me, or is this becoming more about sex only?" I never tire of repeating that - for me - poly's more about Love than about sex.

If you've got serious feelings for somebody else in particular and aren't being allowed to act on them, this must be even harder on you. I wish ALL of you the best!
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casual sex, equanimity

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