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  #21  
Old 05-10-2012, 07:43 PM
polypenguin polypenguin is offline
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so here i am, day.... well, roughly 7 or something like that.

today, I'm feeling pretty good, better than yesterday and much better than the day before that. we are probably going to see geanbean's new (not official yet) boyfriend this weekend, and I'm very much looking forward to it. whether there will be sex or not is still up in the air, but only time will tell. I'm feeling much better about them having sex now, and though i can't say I'm perfectly fine with it yet, I'm beginning to feel much better about it.

I only have 3 1/2 months until i am allowed to start dating etc. as well. That is at the end of august. we've been talking this for 8 1/2 months now, and the inabilities/inequalities are wearing thin. That being said, i am doing my best to swallow my pride, hence the thread.

I really hope she is ready by then. i'm doing my best not to push, and let her feel however she needs to feel before i offer any advice. If she's not ready by then, i don't know what to do, she read the "How To Fix a Broken Refrigerator" story, and that's when she decided she wanted time to figure out why it hurt her me wanting other people. We decided on a time frame as well, and that will be late august.

But what if she isn't ready? then what? do i let her have more time, and wined up in a never ending "i need more time" scenario. Or do i do what i want, knowing it's breaking her heart?

I'd like to hear some responses. When the time comes, whether she says she's ready or not, is it ok for me to hold her to her promise?
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  #22  
Old 05-10-2012, 08:05 PM
km34 km34 is offline
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Originally Posted by polypenguin View Post
But what if she isn't ready? then what? do i let her have more time, and wined up in a never ending "i need more time" scenario. Or do i do what i want, knowing it's breaking her heart?

I'd like to hear some responses. When the time comes, whether she says she's ready or not, is it ok for me to hold her to her promise?
Then you have to decide what's more important - your need/desire (which is it?) for other partners or her feelings about it. Personally, as long as a partner was making an effort to get over his/her issues, I would try to wait. Depending on the depth of the commitment I have with that partner and assuming that I'm in love. If there were no effort, I would assume the relationship wasn't important and would cut my losses and move on.

I also have an inherent problem with inequality in relationships. I am pretty demanding in my relationships in that I require equal opportunities. I have to at least have the option of doing anything my partner does even if I have no desire for it - if he/she has other sexual relationships then I can have other sexual relationships, if he/she has other romantic partners then I can have other romantic partners, if he/she needs time to deal with the idea of me doing stuff then he/she needs to take a break from doing the equivalent stuff. I don't do well with rules that aren't equal, so I don't agree to them. You obviously are different from me in that regard (probably a good thing... lol I'm high maintenance).


It's hard to put a time frame on how long someone has to get over a specific issue. Some people can deal with things in a week, others take years. How long are you willing to wait? She can't MAKE you do anything, just like you can't make HER do anything. The choice is and always has been and will be yours. You just have to decide how important each thing is to you - would you be okay if Genebean decided she'd be okay with you being with other people but not for another year? Two years? Five years? What if she doesn't think she'll EVER be ready?

She is not the only one who has to figure out what will be acceptable in your relationship.
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  #23  
Old 05-10-2012, 08:11 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Is she actively working on working towards being OK with you having other partners? In your place I'd say I was feeling chafed by the rules being different for both of us, and that I wanted to check in every 4 weeks to see if they had decided to try to be OK if I dated also. Let her know that if she needs the 3.5 months you're not taking that back, but that you'd be pretending if you acted like it wasn't stressing you out that she has a sex partner and you don't have the same freedom. (how long has it been since you said you were going to give her time?)

For me, I might give somebody more time at the end of that time 3.5 months if they weren't having sex with somebody else themselves. However, I'd find it extremely hypocritical and perhaps even cruel to be OK having a partner themselves but not agreeing it's OK for me to. Since she is, I'm guessing there's about a 85% chance I would start dating then. I'd take it slow and carefully so she could see I was trying to take her feelings into consideration and she could trust me to communicate, stick to our agreements, and understand I wasn't going to run all over her feelings in the throes of NRE.

I wouldn't "do whatever I wanted" in August either, but I'd adopt the same rules and behaviors as my partner had. If they had casual sex, I'd feel it was right for me to do so if I wanted. If they were uncomfortable with that but fine dating and romancing somebody, I'd feel that it was right for me to be able to date and romance somebody too. If they spend the night with somebody? Should be OK for me too. I would be OK agreeing to less than than equal boundaries for each of us though if I could tell my partner was making an effort and reaching outside their comfort zone. I think being willing to stay within agreements often lets people move their comfort zone rather quickly once they feel they can trust their partner.

I hope you two are able to work things out, and try not to get too caught up feeling like the situation is unbalanced, but focus on where she is trying. I don't often hear "I need time to be OK with poly so don't date yet" going hand in hand with "I am going to date while I figure out if I can be OK with you dating". I imagine some of this is based on feelings surrounding the behavior with that couple where it "appeared" you put their feelings ahead of hers, and didn't trust her opinion about what she felt happened. If you can really make her feel you wont do that again, it will probably go a long ways towards putting her at ease.
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  #24  
Old 05-10-2012, 11:07 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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How does her dating/ fucking other equal her working on her issue of you doing the same.

It sounds like a tactic. You go first....you'll see ...it will be fun exciting, intoxicating and I'll show you it won't change our relationship. I'll show you how I handle the jealousy ..if any. Then once you're in ...hooked on nre...I can start up and proceed the way I wanted. Tactically its good ...she went first....you're the bigger person, you got the guilt of that, the NRE,...establishment and connection of a new relationship, etc. All hard to walk away from even if you don't prove your point.

Also.... shallowing ones pride is doing something that you would consider humiliating. So are you saying that allowing her to have sex with others is humiliating only if you not doing the same.

This plan seems more like a setup. Give me another example in another area of life in which this type of plan would be used ...and it would work.

And what difference is there in the amount of time. Is it a slow desensitization process or a light bulb moment.....yeah I get it now.
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  #25  
Old 05-11-2012, 06:09 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Hmm... polypenguin, why do I get the sense that when you say you want to date someone else, you really mean you just want to fuck someone else?
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  #26  
Old 05-12-2012, 02:22 AM
polypenguin polypenguin is offline
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nycindie, I suppose I deserve that in lu of past events. But I really do want relationships, not just other sexual partners. I feel as though if she cannot handle me having sex with others, how could she possibly handle love, or making love for that matter?

dingedheart, I don't think swallowing pride is only confined to that which is humilliating, I believe it is also giving up something which makes you feel good. When you work with someone you cannot stand and severely disagree with, you have to swallow a little pride. (That's just an example, i'm not saying I feel like that about my girlfriend.)

as for the "plan" being a set up, you are right about the, "see, you can love two people" kind of thing. But I do want to show her that can be true. I can talk about it all I want, but sometimes true knowledge is not communicable. You can be told the stove is hot all day long, but you never wil really know until you put your hand on it.

and the intoxicating effects of nre, as nice as they can be, have little effect on relationships which are based merely on experementing sexually. As for the other relationships which she may encounter, she has a good head on her shoulders, and nre intoxication will not get her better judgement.
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  #27  
Old 05-14-2012, 03:21 PM
polypenguin polypenguin is offline
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soo, this weekend...

as time goes by, more and more, I think she wants to be poly/open herself, but doesn't want to/can't deal with the idea of me being poly/open. She bacame very upset about it this weekend, and kept telling me it was because she isn't good enough. I don't know how to convince her otherwise.

the thing I don't understand is when she has her defenses down, she does fine with the idea, even encourages it. But to get the defenses down is next to impossible. It sometimes takes liquid courage, or other inebhreating substances to let down her guard. Once that hapens, she is not only ok with the idea, but very much encourages it.

the question I suppose then, is how to get the defenses/inhibitors down without the mind alterers. Hmmm, most intriguing.
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  #28  
Old 05-14-2012, 09:51 PM
polypenguin polypenguin is offline
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why is there such a line between genders?

that is when it comes to sex? Most guys I suppose would probably consider their girlfriend/wife having a three some with another person assuming it's a woman. Many wemen would consider having a three some with their boyfriend/husband, assuming it's with a girl. But why nothing else? Why the damned defining line between the two genders?

i'm just so frustrated. She's perfectly fine (so she says) with me having sex with another man. (just to clarify, i'm not bi, but I believe whatever happens in the heat of the moment is ok.) but she can't stand the idea of me with another woman. I don't know how to help her understand that it has nothing to do with any inadiquicies of her own.

I feel like she is beginning to hate me for wanting to be poly.
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  #29  
Old 05-14-2012, 11:59 PM
polypenguin polypenguin is offline
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this has been a rough day. I can't feel guilty for looking at other wemen. So i'm not going to anymore. I'm no longer going to feel guilty for having sexual desires for anyone else. Or even for masterbating any more, it does me no good, and it is only natural. I'm not going to feel guilty anymore, and she can't make me. I'll wait the time agreed upon before dating/being anything more than friends with anyone else, we agreed on a boundary, and i'm not going to break it. But when that time comes, i'm not going to feel guilty about it, and in the mean time, i'm not going to feel guilty or ashamed for having other desires.
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  #30  
Old 05-15-2012, 05:27 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by polypenguin View Post
this has been a rough day. I can't feel guilty for looking at other wemen. So i'm not going to anymore. I'm no longer going to feel guilty for having sexual desires for anyone else. Or even for masterbating any more, it does me no good, and it is only natural. I'm not going to feel guilty anymore, and she can't make me. I'll wait the time agreed upon before dating/being anything more than friends with anyone else, we agreed on a boundary, and i'm not going to break it. But when that time comes, i'm not going to feel guilty about it, and in the mean time, i'm not going to feel guilty or ashamed for having other desires.
Good for you. I've always found it silly to guilt anyone I was in a relationship with for finding other women desirable. My ex ALWAYS felt bad about it, without my help. I would encourage the acknowledgement but I guess it just registered as 'cheating' in his mind.
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