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  #11  
Old 05-06-2012, 09:34 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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There is nothing in the original post to suggest that the wife/girlfriend are bi and interested or into a BDSM dynamic. While it's a thought, triad experimentation can go completely haywire. I see a lot of people (not saying you in particular, since you seem to have a whole different dynamic going on) wanting to bring their original partners into their new relationship, because they want to share the excitement (when we are in love, we can't understand why someone wouldn't feel the same way about the object of our passions), because they think it will make the more reluctant original partner get on board with poly, or out of some misguided sense of fairness or coupledom (if I'm getting laid, so should they).

If the wife in question is mono, she will not be interested to seek additional sexual action for herself and will probably be turned off by the thought of her hubs being with someone else, as the OP seems to indicate.
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  #12  
Old 05-06-2012, 10:28 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by quean View Post
Just a thought, but maybe your wife would like to join in but can't admit this to you or herself?
The OP says that his wife is monogamous and struggling with the situation whenever he goes out on dates with the gf. I highly doubt that she would want to participate or watch.

Nudger, I would suspect that her discomfort might be related to insecurities, which are usually underneath any jealousy people feel. She probably took your need to have an additional partner as a blow to her self-esteem and questions her value and worth. She is mono, she doesn't understand how you can want someone else when you are all she wants.

The best thing you can do is reassure her, and make sure you are as loving with her as you are with the gf. Do you romance your wife? Make an effort to let her know she is not insufficient in any way? Make sure that the time you spend with your wife isn't only relegated to household/bill-paying/family stuff, while the girlfriend is all about hot sexy times. I say take your wife out on dates and invite the girlfriend over to fold laundry.

There are also some email lists/groups for people in poly/mono relationships. She might find some good support here, which is for the monos: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/PolyMono/
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Last edited by nycindie; 05-06-2012 at 10:33 PM.
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  #13  
Old 05-07-2012, 05:32 PM
Nudger Nudger is offline
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I agree that my wife isn't interested in expanding her sexual exploits at this time and that alot of her issue is around insecurities from a previous marriage/divorce. I am doing much of what you suggest already, romancing her, bring the gf over for quiet regular household stuff.

I think that she just needs to work through her feelings, and understand that she loses nothing by allowing me to have gf. I am trying to ensure that she feels special and that soon she will tell someone so she can have someone to talk to outside our group.
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  #14  
Old 05-07-2012, 08:28 PM
quean quean is offline
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If your wife has discomfort and insecurities around you having a gf then maybe its not right for her. I reiterate I believe for these types of relationships to truley work each participant needs to have equal fulfilment whether sexual or not.

I accept there are other views, notibly a suggestion that you 'romance' your wife. but what does that mean in reality? I would be genuiny interested to know what effect this has had on your intimate relationship with your wife, as often this is key to the health of a marriage. Im assuming that taking a gf has a strong sexual element/need for you, but if as one person suggested, your wife is turned off at the thought of you with another woman, then I feel it may have a detrimental effect on your wife's own sexuality and self worth.

I suppose it ultimatley depends on whos needs take priority.
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  #15  
Old 05-08-2012, 11:39 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nudger View Post
I think that she just needs to work through her feelings, and understand that she loses nothing by allowing me to have gf.
Well, in reality, she's not "allowing you" to have a girlfriend. You're both adults and make your own choices. You chose to have a girlfriend (ultimately that is true, even if you moved forward in small increments to get there), and your wife chose to stay with you. She could have chosen to leave. "Allowing" and "giving permission" sounds like a parent, not a spouse. You two are basically working out how to live with the choices each of you made. Maybe if she starts to think of it that way instead of looking at it as if she now has to put up with what she "allowed," it will feel more empowering for her.
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Last edited by nycindie; 05-08-2012 at 11:42 PM.
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