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Old 05-07-2012, 04:56 PM
psychomia psychomia is offline
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 25
Default skeezer broke my heart

I'm really new, and really shy, so this is hard to share but I'm really depressed and trying to get a handle on what's happened.

I have Aspergers so I'm naturally on the naive side and very sensitive to drama, so I try to live my life as honestly as possible and communicate with the people who are in it so we all know what's going on.

I'm in a relationship with a man for going on 9 years now. it was very rocky at first, then we settled into a stable monogomous relationship, separated by necessity when I moved, he later joined me and we married, then annulled the marriage after I went through PTSD treatment. I knew at that point that he was miserable living with me and my kids, so I worked on getting out of his way and getting a place of my own. for a while we didn't see each other, then we settled on being FWB but we'd led such separate lives even when married that we had no social overlap, it really was just about getting laid by someone safe. it hurt emotionally to feel like I had that little worth to others but I worked through the feelings of isolation and came to accept my life as a loner.

then one day he invited me to a philosophy club meeting, on the condition that there be no gestures of affection because there was a woman he was interested in. I thought it wasn't a big deal so I agreed. we'd attended a club years before so he knew I would enjoy it, and I was desperately isolated, so the opportunity to go outweighed and potential issues of pretending to be strangers that I could see at the time.

I didn't anticipate meeting someone. I'd had opportunities to date but had avoided them because most people make me so uncomfortable. this guy, though, was fun to talk to and interested in interesting things. we started talking. we spent a day together and I learned he was in an open marriage, and I told him I had a FWB but not who it was because I felt constrained by how I knew my FWB felt about keeping it out of the public view.

new boy, E, made it clear he was interested in pursuing a possible relationship with me and I agreed. I tried to talk with FWB about being interested in someone and wanting to continue to see him, and he said fine as long as I leave him out of it and keep it out of his face. I started to struggle with the secret of FWB and E knowing each other but not knowing they were both sleeping with me, so I told E.

at first he was mad and felt like I'd deceived him, and so did his wife. it was a lot of drama and there was a lot of talking and there was backlash from FWB because he ended up freaking out over the reality of me actually seeing someone else, which made it even more uncomfortable.

throughout, E stressed open communications, and I clung to that like a lifeline. he wanted to talk to FWB, I arranged it. I spent hours with FWB processing his emotions. the week before the talk, E started withdrawing from me, wouldn't see me, then had the talk with FWB and decided that FWB wanted to be exclusive with me, although FWB had specifically told me that he did not, but that the theory of sharing me hadn't prepared him for the reality of it. after the talk E texted me how much he wants me and he was going to come see me, but he never showed up and for the following week we evaded my every attempt to find some time to talk to him.

I finally told him to decide if he's in or out because the stress of all the drama had made me physically ill. he said he felt like there was too much dishonesty and that we'd gone from a triangle to a square (although we weren't a triangle, since he was keeping me away from his wife and excluding me from activities if she or my FWB was going to be there) and we sure aren't a square because FWB doesn't want to be in a close relationship with them.

E goes on and on about honesty, but he really led me on then ultimately had no forgiveness for my mistakes, although I did my very best to correct them. I think he's a skeezer, but finding that out doesn't make it hurt any less that I opened my heart up for the first time in years and it got stomped.

there has been no communication although he asked to meet with me so I could explain why I told him I thought he had no integrity then blew that meeting off, too. I thought open communications was a tenet of the polyamory community, and I think it's essential especially given my recent experiences, and he at one time told me he holds himself to a high standard because polyamory is so misunderstood, yet my experience of him indicates he isn't communicative, and therefore he is being dishonest.

someone please correct me if I'm wrong. I think I've taken responsibility for my mistakes in the situation, and so is my FWB, but I am not being forgiven nor has E manned up to leading me on inappropriately if he wasn't committed (which is why I think he's a skeezer).

I feel like I will not try dating again. there's no way to tell when someone is simply addicted to NRE and will run as soon as it's over, and I can't afford to waste my time on people like that.
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