What to expect with poly relationship that none of us sought out

[kdt26417]

Re: Post #18 (by BlackUnicorn) ... wow. That opens up a whole new window in my understanding and perception of things. Thank you for posting that. I have saved the addy of that post for my own future reference (I hope that's okay).

Vinccenzo's Post #16 hit me hard too in a way, but it appears to not apply to the situation this thread is about.

[Vinccenzo]

Originally Posted by kdt26417

Re: Post #18 (by BlackUnicorn) ... wow. That opens up a whole new window in my understanding and perception of things. Thank you for posting that. I have saved the addy of that post for my own future reference (I hope that's okay).

Vinccenzo's Post #16 hit me hard too in a way, but it appears to not apply to the situation this thread is about.

Its why I asked rather than accused. It just sounded much like the dynamic of my very religious family. Men do sex to women and women suffer it as a wifely duty and to have children.

Fig, I apologize if you felt accused. The lack of your wife's input, that BaB knows her feelings mostly second hand and the imbalance in expectations all fit the dysfunction of my own family back ground so I threw those questions out for consideration. If the lack of desire for sexual intimacy means someone is asexual then about 90% of the women in my family would be asexual. I'm doubting that's the case. I'm sorry if having someone question it bothers you. I was curious.

[FigNewtonian]

Originally Posted by Vinccenzo

Its why I asked rather than accused. It just sounded much like the dynamic of my very religious family. Men do sex to women and women suffer it as a wifely duty and to have children.

Fig, I apologize if you felt accused. The lack of your wife's input, that BaB knows her feelings mostly second hand and the imbalance in expectations all fit the dysfunction of my own family back ground so I threw those questions out for consideration. If the lack of desire for sexual intimacy means someone is asexual then about 90% of the women in my family would be asexual. I'm doubting that's the case. I'm sorry if having someone question it bothers you. I was curious.

Vinccenzo: I totally see where you're coming from and how that type of background would generate those reasonable questions.

The asexuality in this situation really does color everything. It's not that it wasn't physically pleasing, it was many times an awesome experience and many Aces can and do very much enjoy the physical act itself.

It's just that there was no or minimal attraction or desire there. That meant that the action essentially became an obligation, a duty — one given out of a sense of love, affection and selflessness, to be sure, but a duty nonetheless.

There are a lot of mixed sexual/ace couples out there who have success — but there are also a lot where that twin track starts to breed resentment and at times outright hostility, particularly if the sexual partner has a high sex drive (I do.) or the Ace is repulsed by sex. (Thankfully not the case for my wife.)

This arrangement is still very much in the formative stage and we're all figuring out where the boundaries should be in everything from time to communication. If nothing else, I'll come out of this with a better understanding of the poly community and how it functions.

[Autumn]

Hi,

I want to thank you for sharing your story, specially being so respectful & candid about your relationship & asexuality.

I am in a long term loving relationship with an asexual woman. I too have come to a place where I miss & want physical intimacy & passion, don't want to pathologise or keep expecting her to change, and both considering polyamory.

Lucky you have found a wonderful girlfriend who is so supportive and understanding of your love for your ex wife & it sounds like she is equally impressed and smitten with you.

Your story is encouraging & I wish you all the best,

Autumn

[Autumn]

ps

I also want to say that I will be keen to hear how it all progresses and any lessons learnt. It sounds like early days, but curious about boundaries you have established & any issues that come up.

Sounds like you all have strong communication & empathy, which is a good foundation.

[blytheandbonny]

Hello Autumn!

I'd say it's still in the early days -we're about 5-6 weeks in from realizing we were looking at a poly thing, I think? When I posted this thread, we were less than a week in.

Not sure a lot has changed. To date, we're all very conscious of each other's comfort and there's a lot of checking in that happens. FN's not big on letting things fester in silence, so whenever there's an issue, it's dealt with immediately.

I think FN is going to chime in, and he can update how things are on that side of the V, which I suspect will the be part that interests you the most if I understand your story well enough from your earlier postings. If you read from the beginning, I'm not terribly comfortable paraphrasing what I understand others to feel/think.

As predicted, I've needed an annoying amount of reassurances. Well, he's not indicated it's annoying, but I feel like it would be to me if our positions were reversed. :-)

I remain wary of saying or doing anything that comes off as trying to influence what they have going on (which doesn't mean I succeed all the time) b/c I want them to figure out their stuff independent of me or my role. Which, as a mono, is sort of challenging. I'm really trying to see things through a poly lens though, and my respect and admiration for how FN cares for his wife is tremendous.

They have a regular arrangement now where he spends the night with her 1-2/x week. First couple of times it was really uncomfortable for me. Then it relaxed quite a bit, and now I'm almost totally zen. I was 100% zen this week.

I really dig her, and I feel confident in my own relationship with him. We've had some issues on my side with non-poly stuff that have been more challenging to us than the poly stuff has been.

So, that's the update from my side so far. Now to find out if I am in a totally different universe. Fig, what say you?

[FigNewtonian]

I'd agree with Babs. (Oh, that nickname is soooo going to stick IRL). It's going fairly well, but it's early days.

I guess what I'd add — and I've said it a few times — is that none of us are poly people in the sense that it's used on this forum. We're all mono people in a poly situation driven by a unique set of circumstances.

If you're the "hinge" then be prepared for work. And yes, that can come across as melodramatic, pretentious and self-important, particularly when outsiders are going to think that you're cake eating. But it really does take some balancing.

I try to keep open lines of communication with both women at all times. You'll find some people on here who don't advise communicating with one side of the V when you're with the other. I don't do that. No matter where I am I make the effort to let them both know I love them, wish them good night and a good morning.

I constantly stop, evaluate, consider and make sure that decisions I'm making are not designed to diminish others to the benefit of myself. It requires a rigorous and often uncomfortable level of self-awareness, but I think it's a necessity — particularly if you're prone to/good at manipulating people. It's the same kind of situation that Babs is talking about when she talks about not wanting to exert undue influence.

The dynamic with the Ace side of the V is comfortable, for the most part. She's getting the domestic comforts and closeness that she craves. I enjoy that and also get the comfort of knowing that I didn't abandon her just because she's "different."

Most of the time it just involves us laying in bed, talking about the world, whatever book she's reading, what craft project is on the horizon. She'll snuggle close and then she'll go to sleep.

It's not much different than what it was when we were married and living together — except there's not an expectation that something would or should happen sexually.

It's definitely helped that the two women get along so well — but that's not a dynamic that everyone may be comfortable with in every situation. I'm glad in mine they are, though.

[FigNewtonian]

Also, Autumn, if you're not on AVEN's forums, I'd highly suggest it. Very, very helpful to the asexual community and to those of us close to them.

[Arrowbound]

Originally Posted by FigNewtonian

I try to keep open lines of communication with both women at all times. You'll find some people on here who don't advise communicating with one side of the V when you're with the other. I don't do that. No matter where I am I make the effort to let them both know I love them, wish them good night and a good morning.

Just wanted to tell you I find this awesome. It's something that I haven't even really thought about, since things haven't progressed in that direction yet. But I'll definitely note it, for sure. Thanks for sharing!

[dingedheart]

Originally Posted by FigNewtonian

I've said it a few times — is that none of us are poly people in the sense that it's used on this forum. We're all mono people in a poly situation driven by a unique set of circumstances.

I try to keep open lines of communication with both women at all times. You'll find some people on here who don't advise communicating with one side of the V when you're with the other. I don't do that.

I constantly stop, evaluate, consider and make sure that decisions I'm making are not designed to diminish others to the benefit of myself. It requires a rigorous and often uncomfortable level of self-awareness, but I think it's a necessity.

It's definitely helped that the two women get along so well though.

I don't think you're giving yourself enough credit ....you're sounding more and more poly....might as well embrace it. ....phig Fig with a ph might just stick too.