#21
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What Morning says is really the truth. There is no set way to reveal one's newly discovered self to your partner. It is completely different from one set of circumstances to the next, from one monogamous relationship to the next, from one person to the next. Quote:
If that answer is Yes, then here's the path:
There are a million ways to do the above, this is where you have to use your brain, and see it from their perspective (it helps to be empathetic). But you can't rush this. That will ruin everything. I told my SO in March. It's now the end of April. And she has already started reading "The Art end Etiquette of Polyamory" by Simpiere and listening to the Polyamory Weekly podcast hosted by Minx. We talk about polyamory in loose ways, on her timetable, and only as much as is comfortable for her. I do not press any issue at all. I end every discussion with a sincere admission of my love for her and my commitment to go down this road at her pace, together. Just a few days ago my SO joked about sharing me with others. I smiled, and kept my mouth closed. Be honest always, but know when to shut-up as well. I can't emphasize enough how important it is that no pressure is put on one's partner. Even if you believe that pressuring your SO will make the process move faster, that will only work in the short term, and true long-lasting embracing of the poly life will always be doubtful. The way I see it, I have been poly all my life without having a name for it. And now that I know who I am, I'm willing to wait a year, or several, to be the person I am if that's what my SO needs. I'll be back to keep everyone up to date. |
#22
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Seems to me odd that it appears to be easy to cheat and hurt someone without thinking whatsoever about the consequences and then when considering coming out as poly to the spouse suddenly its oh so important to follow every step and take it very very slowy just not to cause any hurt...?
Surely if people would be so considerate and honest to their partner in the first place....than cheating would not be necessary? In my view this long drawn out approach of coming out may cause in the long run more pain rather than less... I had cheated before and felt that being honest to myself and my husband about that I could not be monogamous for anyone was easier than continue cheating...Therefore one day I just came out....and told the truth...a lot of discussions, arguments, tears followed but it was worth it...for me...I owed it to myself....I do not get another life....and I wanted to live a polyamous life with the person I loved most my husband...luckily in the end he understood and heard me properly and did not feel threatened.... |
#23
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Now I live an proper life, but it took a serious error on my part to get there. |
#24
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Yeah sorry if I sounded judgmental....Should not have been, took afterall the same route as you...I guess its that realisation that there are other options....granted the path is soooo much harder but worth it in the end...for sure...I am glad I followed my heart....the world has not come to an end and neither has my relationship...in fact its so much more open now and just because we are allowed to date other people or have loving relationships to other people I still do not jump on everyone with a pulse as my husband had feared and I also do not end my 17 year relationship just because I met that special person who compliments us....but it needed that push to find out....I think if everyone had more trust in themselves to make their own decisions and rules rather than sticking to the conventional same for all rule....than the world would be truley a nicer place to live...amen...
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#25
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Bottom line, I'm just happy that this site exists. And I'm happy that there are those that have paved the way before me - otherwise I would still be an unfulfilled soul in a mono relationship blaming myself for being different from those around me. And don't you, and others who read this, feel more liberated overall? Not just in relationships but in other aspects of life? I do. |
#26
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This has come up in other threads- the general consensus seems to be that people who are poly (or poly-supportive), either by choice or by nature, are more willing to go against the mainstream in other areas of life. In my V we have an ex-Jehovah's Witness, an ex-Catholic, and an ex-Baptist. Two of us are pansexual. All of us are gamers and anime geeks. So being in a poly relationship is just one more way we don't fit the mold. Sometimes, yes, it can feel liberating. Other times it just feels exhausting to have to deal with the fight to be treated with the same consideration and respect as those in the mainstream.
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~~~~~~~~~ Pan Female, Hinge in a V between my mono (straight) husband, Monochrome and my poly (pan) partner, ThatGuyInBlack |
#27
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I did all the hard work of liberating myself from the things that were fixable myself, and I'm proud of that. Only a small part of that has to do with polyamory.
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"I swear, if we live through this somebody's going to find their automatic shower preferences reprogrammed for ice water." Refuge in Audacity { home of the post-raph stunner } |
#28
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#29
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I think I have conformed for too long, and while pulling my finger out of the dyke I got a flood when I expected a trickle. Coming to terms with being poly was a big step to my personal liberation ('big' maybe because it is my first serious attempt at casting off the yoke?). But I think I understand what you both are saying - it's a process and this is just one step. |
#30
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Unlike a lot of people, I'm free to be out to who I feel I want to be out to, too. As quite a free person as it is, that generally just means as soon as it comes into conversation. =P But I certainly understand there are some people who would not, over the possibilities of losing careers and family [both emotionally, and legally]. I don't have either of those worries just yet. But yes, a whole load off my shoulders. Now I can relax, knowing that this is who I am, and that is ok. =]
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[Insert witty comment here]
Feel free to add me up on facebook. - Just click here. Do send a message in your request saying who you are and that you're from this forum. It will help me filter out any spam requests. =] |
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communication, opening up a marriage |
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