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  #11  
Old 04-28-2012, 11:28 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovefromgirl View Post
If I may ask, from what angle are you approaching polyamory? Poly as a whole is quite broad, and I noticed a preponderance of budget-related questions.
See the OP:
Quote:
Originally Posted by anapoly08 View Post
Since polyamory is such a broad topic my professor has asked me to narrow it down to a more specific area. With that said, I have decided to focus my paper on polyamory and money management.
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  #12  
Old 04-29-2012, 12:05 AM
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I am 52, female, heterosexual.

1. Who is all inclusive of your polyamorous group?
Currently, I have one lover-friend. We both date other people, but I have no other steady lovers at the moment.

2. How many partners do you have that you live with?
I live alone and have no desire to cohabit with anyone nor designate someone as a partner.

3. How long have you been together?
My lover-friend and I have been seeing each other for ten months.

4. Did you start out in a monogamous relationship and then change to Polyamorous relationship? Why?
If, by this, you mean transitioning from monogamy to polyamory within the same existing relationship, no. I was in a monogamous marriage for over ten years. When it ended, I chose to embrace polyamory as a solo practitioner.

5. Who has the most decision-making power and why is that specific person in the group given that power?
My lover-friend and I both consider each other's wishes, but I make my own decisions and he makes his own decisions. ???

6. Do you share bank accounts?
No. I will probably never do that again with anyone.

7. What are the gender dynamics of your relationship i.e. do you stick to the same gender roles as do those in monogamous relationships?
I do not fully understand this question. Monogamous relationships are not all the same as far as "gender roles," and neither are poly relationships. I think, if people communicate with each other, the person who is best at something is put in charge of it. When I was married and monogamous, my husband made twice as much money as I did, and we pooled all our income in one account. I was in charge of paying the bills. We did not think of it as my money and his money - it was our money. Now that I am solo poly, I take care of myself. But I'm not sure if I'm answering your question properly, as I am still confused about what you are looking for regarding gender dynamics.

8. How does money affect your choice in who is going to be accepted in the group?
I don't have a "group" to accept people into, but if I decide to take on a new lover, I think money can play a part as far as what we can do together, how often we can go out, or if either of us would have to travel to see each other (as in a long-distance relationship). But since I do not co-mingle funds with anyone and am independent, I don't have to ask my lover-friend for permission to take on a new lover, if that is what you mean.

9. When you go out how do you determine if you take everyone or just one person? How does that determine the budget of the evening?
I am independent, live alone, and relate one-on-one with any other lovers I may have. Sometimes he treats, sometimes I do, sometimes we go Dutch. If I have a first date with someone new, we will either go Dutch or whoever did the asking out will pick up the tab. Even if I had four lovers (my poly dream!), unless we were a few years down the road and everyone knew each other, my gaggle of men and I wouldn't be going out on group dates. If there is something big, like an opportunity to go to an event or take a vacation together, we would just figure out what is fair and who can afford what.

10. Other than sharing bank accounts or budgeting how do you guys handle the money issues in your relationship?
As with any issue, it can be managed and handled with honest and direct communication, and by making no assumptions. See #9.

11. Do you talk about money issues in the relationship?
Yes, because my lover-friend and I are both really broke, so we have to bring it up.

12. How satisfied/happy are you with regards to the current money situation in your relationship? If you are not happy, how would you change it?
I'm fine with my situation in terms of my relationship with my lover-friend, but I am not fine with my overall financial situation, which is rather dire right now. I am struggling. But that is my responsibility and no one else's. The changes I need to make are within my own personal circumstances, and are not my lover-friend's concern. He has his own to worry about. But together, I love the fluidity of how we work things out regarding money.
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Last edited by nycindie; 04-29-2012 at 12:20 AM.
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  #13  
Old 05-01-2012, 02:21 AM
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Alleycat Alleycat is offline
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Male, 29, heterosexual

1. Who is all inclusive of your polyamorous group?
At this point Myself (obviously), My wife, two girls referred to as J/1 and J/2

2. How many partners do you have that you live with?
One, my wife.

3. How long have you been together?
Me and the wife have been together about 10 years at this point, J/1 we were involved with for about 5 months last year and have just recently starting getting involved with again about a month ago, J/2 we've know for about 3 years and have gotten involved with about 2 or 3 months ago.

4. Did you start out in a monogamous relationship and then change to Polyamorous relationship? Why?
We did start as mono, but that was more because we were not aware there was really an alternative (aside from occasional 3somes), eventually due to various circumstances and person growth (my wife coming to terms with her bisexuality and eventually needing to act on it as well as a few other things) we started getting involved with other people, usually in triads.
Frankly by comparison, monogamy felt like there was something missing for the both of us.

5. Who has the most decision-making power and why is that specific person in the group given that power?
decision making power in which context?

6. Do you share bank accounts?
No.

7. What are the gender dynamics of your relationship i.e. do you stick to the same gender roles as do those in monogamous relationships?
This question is unclear, I act like the stereotypical male in context, however I am a male, the girls, all act like girl, seeing as how they are all girls.

8. How does money affect your choice in who is going to be accepted in the group?
Honestly, Me and the wife will not enter into a relationship with someone who does not have the means to support themselves, this is because we have been used in a few situations , and have ended up having to support a common partner.

9. When you go out how do you determine if you take everyone or just one person? How does that determine the budget of the evening?
As an old school "chauvinist", I strongly prefer to pay, sometimes I get outvoted on the issue however. Who is getting taken out so to speak purely depends on who shows up and who makes plans. If I'm not around, The girls tend to split things unless one is low on cash, then its whoever feels like paying.

10. Other than sharing bank accounts or budgeting how do you guys handle the money issues in your relationship?
Not applicable.

11. Do you talk about money issues in the relationship?
Me and the wife yes, with the others, no. Its not their business or our business unless we're living under the same roof.

12. How satisfied/happy are you with regards to the current money situation in your relationship? If you are not happy, how would you change it?
Well, We're comfortable, We could make more money I supposed.
At least thats the plan.
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  #14  
Old 05-01-2012, 08:02 AM
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Female, 29.

1. Who is all inclusive of your polyamorous group? Me as the centre, my husband and my spouse.


2. How many partners do you have that you live with? Said husband and boyfriend.

3. How long have you been together? I have been with my husband for nearly 12 years now, relationship to my other spouse lasted for nearly 10 months now.

4. Did you start out in a monogamous relationship and then change to Polyamorous relationship? Yes, my husband and I were monogamous for eleven years before we opened the relationship. Why? I simply fell in love again.

5. Who has the most decision-making power and why is that specific person in the group given that power? That would be me. As for the reason for it ... it may be just my character? That's the way I am, I have a strong will, I need decisions to be based on a solid logical footing and I believe that my reasoning is mostly right and righteous. And the others mostly agree with me (either because I AM actually right or because it is too much of a hassle to disagree, this may vary).

6. Do you share bank accounts? No, never have done so in my monogamous marriage or now. I believe that everyone should have a say about his personal money and income. We have one shared account for living expense and shared bills and food and that's it. Bills are shared according to the percentage of the income the person has in regard to the others to keep things fair and even.

7. What are the gender dynamics of your relationship i.e. do you stick to the same gender roles as do those in monogamous relationships? If you mean the same gender roles as in my previous monogamous relationship, yes nothing changed. I have been the one in charge and I still am. But I doubt that this is connected to some kind of gender role.

8. How does money affect your choice in who is going to be accepted in the group? Has never played a role in my life.

9. When you go out how do you determine if you take everyone or just one person? This depends on the activity. If it is something my husband or by spouse decided to do as a couple (ballroom dance for example) we would go with only the two of us. Normally we use every opportunity to go out with the three of us, as we like being together and both of them like doing things with me. How does that determine the budget of the evening? As we don't have much to spend generally, each of us pays for oneself. Both men love to invite me, therefore I often don't pay for myself in the end. But generally everyone has his/her own budget.

10. Other than sharing bank accounts or budgeting how do you guys handle the money issues in your relationship? Issues are always handled jointly. As all of us contribute to our living together financially, everyone has a say in the matter at hand if there is one. Private investments on a lower scale are up to the person spending his/her money, larger investment are discussed with all three being present.

11. Do you talk about money issues in the relationship? Of course.

12. How satisfied/happy are you with regards to the current money situation in your relationship? Could be a lot better. If you are not happy, how would you change it? Finishing university and start working concerning my part in this; in regard to my spouse, finding some doable job, as he is ill and hasn't found an appropriate job yet.
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  #15  
Old 05-01-2012, 10:44 PM
anapoly08 anapoly08 is offline
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Default Re: Some clarity on Question 7

Quote:
Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray View Post
I have a question about Question #7. Which gender dynamics are you asking about? Are you asking from a purely money management stand-point? And, comparing to "those" in mono relationships- I'm not sure that's answerable. Mono relationships can run the gamut in gender dynamics as well, in a M/F couple or a same-sex couple. I could answer your question that yes, my gender dynamics with MC and TGIB are the same as if I were in a mono relationship with each of them, but I couldn't tell you how those gender dynamics would compare to other mono couples.

I can work on answering the other questions, but I need some guidance for #7, thanks!

Traditional roles are becoming less traditional every year I.e. women are rapidly becoming the primary breadwinner and paying for meals and such.
With that said

In the sense of traditional roles as they've been historically viewed, do you find that there are particular differences or do you seem to follow traditional roles as viewed by society. For example do you adhere to traditional gender roles where the man is considered "head of the house hold"?
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  #16  
Old 05-02-2012, 06:10 PM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
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Your right it is much easier to post them on here. The only demographics I ask for are your gender and age.
Female, 33.

1. Who is all inclusive of your polyamorous group?

My husband, our girlfriend, tentative second female lover/girlfriend.

2. How many partners do you have that you live with?

One.

3. How long have you been together?

Husband and I together for five and a half years, married for two. Girlfriend together since October of last year. Tentative second female lover/girlfriend has been friends with my husband for a decade, we've been hanging out for a couple of months now.

4. Did you start out in a monogamous relationship and then change to Polyamorous relationship? Why?

My now husband was my secondary partner before. We became each other's primaries, and were monogamous for about three years before opening the relationship up again. Neither of us identify as monogamous people, although we are happy with our relationship and sexual connection when it is just the two of us - sometimes relationships unfold out of crushes/falling in love, other times it's sexual adventurism that usually unfolds into relationship (as we tend to have sex with people that we really like as people.) Both of us have always sought out additional love interests in our lives - it was the basis of our union in the beginning.

5. Who has the most decision-making power and why is that specific person in the group given that power?

Everyone has input, and I usually execute said decisions. For example - if we're having a night away in the city, I'll do research and put forward some hotel/dinner/show options and see if there is a preference. If so, I'll make choices based on the group's collective happiness, if not, I'll make decisions based on what I think everyone will enjoy the most. I'm hyper organized and efficient at navigating planning larger events (like our trip to Vegas) so I'll do most of the legwork and sort out the details. My partners are not detail orientated, and are very happy to "go along for the ride" with restaurants that I choose. When we're menu planning, or buying a board game or choosing a pub we all make decisions. Sometimes we pass off all decision making to our girlfriend, as she doesn't often have that kind of ability in her life - we'll deposit money in her account so that she can pick up everything that she'd like to for an evening of fun.

6. Do you share bank accounts?

I have my own bank account with the mortgage for my house attached to it. My husband and I have a joint account with a mortgage for our recreational property attached to it. Sometimes I transfer money into my account from his account for household bills, and "rent" (I keep track of how much of his "rent" hits the principle balance of the mortgage so that I know how much he has financially contributed to the overall amount owing. This was my original set up with him to keep things financially equitable when we weren't yet married, and I have continued doing this. My mindset was - if we ever split up, he should receive that money back. I made this pledge to both him, and my parents to ensure that things would stay fair even if things got tricky.) At present, our girlfriends and us do not share an account, and she is very particular about our involvement in her financial life (ie- we can take her out for dinner, but are not allowed to put money in her account if we know that she is broke).

7. What are the gender dynamics of your relationship i.e. do you stick to the same gender roles as do those in monogamous relationships?

I make more money than my husband, so I support a larger portion of household bills and expenses. I also manage bills and money in general, as it's an area of personal interest and expertisse. My husband does the vast majority of cooking as he is home before I am most working days, and we both contribute to cleaning and maintaining our home. He often does "blue jobs" like mowing the lawn or washing the cars. I often do "pink jobs" like cleaning the bathroom. We have an agreement in place that if one of us is working outside, the other will work inside, etc. This way we can maintain the inside and outside of our home in the same time period and be done the entire roster of work all at once. To put my two cents in: I don't think that gender roles are defined in monogamous relationships anymore; I think that the '50's model of doing things is steadily breaking down in many households.

8. How does money affect your choice in who is going to be accepted in the group?

It doesn't. We have dated both affluent and poor people. Money has nothing to do with loving someone.

9. When you go out how do you determine if you take everyone or just one person? How does that determine the budget of the evening?

At present we only date together. This means that we're very likely to splurge, as nobody is being excluded.

10. Other than sharing bank accounts or budgeting how do you guys handle the money issues in your relationship?

We talk about goals that we want to set and make them happen. Ie - my husband needed a new vehicle, so he did research on the kinds of vehicles that would best suit his work/personal needs. We went and test drove, and purchased a vehicle. I negotiated financing and interest rates, and we both went to town on the payments - when paying bills I focused much of our disposable income on the vehicle payments, clearing it in 18 months instead of the proposed 6 year repayment schedule. If I ever see his bank account is overdrawn, I fill it up again. We buy what we like, when we like and tighten our belts if we have to deal with an unexpected expense; we are affluent, and don't have to worry to much, but if we have a collective financial goal we commit to it and make it happen. Up until we met my husband made great money, but did not manage it wisely - since we joined financial forces he has started a retirement savings plan, acquired a vehicle and is now jointly involved in two pieces of property.

11. Do you talk about money issues in the relationship?

Absolutely. My husband and I talk a lot about money. Our girlfriend and us have talked about money as well - she was raised in near poverty, and has issues around the flippant way that we deal with our disposable income. We have talked about how and why that affects her, and had some excellent communication around that. She is adament about our involvement in her financial life being limited to joint activities, although we have talked about potential futures in which we would help her acquire a car or have her live with us.... very fuzzy though, as this is a long way off/if ever. We had also talked about splitting the rent on a larger place for her together, but as the future of our relationship is uncertain have taken a step back from that for now.

12. How satisfied/happy are you with regards to the current money situation in your relationship? If you are not happy, how would you change it?

Extremely happy. Having two decent incomes makes life a lot of fun for us to live. Having low mortgage payments and reliable vehicles makes life a lot of fun for us to live. At times I wish that our GF would allow us to help her more - it wouldn't make a big difference in our financial life, and would do our hearts good to see her with some extra disposable income. I can understand that she doesn't want that kind of power dynamic though, and respect it, even though I don't see it as a power dynamic.

Again thank you so much for your participation this means a great deal for me and will definitely help with my research paper.
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