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  #151  
Old 04-30-2012, 08:33 PM
Aurelie26 Aurelie26 is offline
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Thanks Brid75, yes it's going well at the moment and fingers crossed for Sunday.

Yes it is interesting and a surprise to me. I think that it is a good thing though, I dont mind if he likes it, and I am encouraging him with that side of sexuality, we are doing a lot of role play at the moment and my bf likes being teased about my lover. Baby steps at the moment though, I dont want to go to far and upset him.

Last edited by Aurelie26; 04-30-2012 at 08:47 PM.
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  #152  
Old 04-30-2012, 08:57 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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"we are doing a lot of role play at the moment and my bf likes being teased about my lover" <-- Wow, after all that DH was validated in the "maybe he'll get into the cuckold role" hypothesis (to clarify not meant as a dig at you or the bf in ANY way, but that IS what a sexual interest in your female partner getting with a better endowed man is called)! I gotta admit I'm surprised, but that's pretty damn awesome. I'm glad things are going well for you guys.
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  #153  
Old 05-01-2012, 04:08 AM
Brid75 Brid75 is offline
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I am NOT surprised. When it comes to a relationship where the woman is seeing another man for sex, and her own bf/husband is mono, it is a fine line between Poly and cuckolding!

I have said from the start that in Aurelies and her boyfriends case.........she is cuckolding him, and as I said before, there is nothing wrong with it, from her perspective or the boyfriends. I know Aurelie does not like the C word, but there is really no reason to have a problem with it.

Aurelie told us at the start that she is a very sexual person who needs sex everyday, she got together with her bf, a man that has a small penis and suffers from premature ejaculation. That is not a good start to a relationship for a woman who loves to have sex. Is it????????? She says that when they first started being intimate her bf would have bad whoops moments. I take that to mean that he would ejaculate very quickly, and that he would be very embarrassed. What did she do? She hugged him and reassurred him, told him it was o.k. She has taught him how to turn her on and he has responded and made the effort to please her. To me, it sounds like they have made the very best of a bad situation and it's great that they can manage, and to a certain extent overcome his sexual
shortcomings, and share a very loving sexual relationship. As I've said before, it's clear from her posts how much she loves her bf.
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  #154  
Old 05-01-2012, 04:13 AM
Brid75 Brid75 is offline
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However, the fact remains that she needs her lover to satisfy her sexual needs. In her own words, she has told us that her bf cannot, and will never be able to satisfy her like her lover can. I assume that this is because of her bfs sexual problems and her lovers superior size and staying power, combined with his dominant personaility?* She has also told us that she likes to be tied up and given anal sex when she is with her lover and that her bf waits at home to give her a cuddle when she gets back.... That to me is a cuckold. Once again Aurelie, there is nothing wrong with it, in fact I think it is so sweet, and shows how strong your relationship with your bf is.

I have learnt the hard way that being honest and respectful to your partner is the most important thing in a relationship, not being so, nearly cost me my marriage. You on the other hand
have been honest, and up front with your bf from the beginning. This says a lot about you, it does you credit. I advised you to be honest with your bf about how he compares with your lover sexually, you have been, and I'm glad that he has responded well. He wanted to know, and now he does. You have told him that your lover is superior in bed, he can now except it, and come to terms with it. From your recent posts it sounds like it turns him on, this falls in line with him being a cuckold, and it should be great for your relationship. It IS a good thing.

You say your bf is special, by your posts, he sure sounds like it. Make sure you tell him, make sure he knows you feel this way. DO NOT be disrespectful to him and your son again by going on a weekend break with your lover when he asked you not to. It's not right. It hurts his pride!

You say you love your bf more, but you also love your lover, and your lover loves you. Maybe he does? Do you
think that he loves you anywhere near as much as your bf though. Who takes care of you? I bet your bf spoils you and your boy? You live with him, and he loves your SON and wants to be his father. Do you think your lover would do all that? You once wanted your lover to yourself, and he turned you down, dont forget that. I truly hope you are being truthful when you say that you would never leave your bf if your lover ever changed his mind? If you are not, then end your relationship with your bf now, he deserves your love far more than your lover does. Your lover may be the superior man in bed, but he sure sounds like the inferior man in every other way.

I'm touched by your posts because your situation mirrors my own in a few ways, all be it from a few years back. It's great that you ask for advice, but you seem to be doing the right thing so far, I hope you keep it up. Going by your posts...........I like you, and your boyfriend a lot, not so much
your lover. Take it easy with the cuckold thing. If he likes being teased about the size of his dick then great, as you said though, baby steps at first, see how comfortable he is with being cuckolded, and then take it as far as you can, always make it sexy for him. The more he is turned on by the thought of you having sex with another man who is better in bed then him, the better the chance that you can keep your relationship with your lover.
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  #155  
Old 05-01-2012, 04:33 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Geez, Brid, talk about putting your own spin on things! There is a huge gap between polyamory and cuckolding. It's not a fine line. It's so weird the way you make that pronouncement that she's "a woman who needs another man for sex" and that her bf is unsatisfactory. That is NOT what Aurelie has said at all. She is not unsatisfied with the sex she has with her bf, and isn't cuckolding him simply because he's talking with her about some aspect of her love life with the other man being a turn-on.

She did not say her bf has a small dick. She said he has an average one. It's just that her lover is huge in comparison. She did not say that he had ED issues, just that he doesn't last as long as her lover does. She did not say her bf is unskilled or lousy in bed. She says he is imaginative, gentle, and tender. She has never had any problems with the way her bf makes love; it's just that she has a wide range of things she likes and her lover was more inclined to give her the more aggressive, rough stuff. She isn't with her lover because of anything inadequate about her bf and has said she would end it with her lover in a heart beat if her bf wanted that.

I don't even know why you feel it necessary to post and admonish her to be respectful of her bf. She IS being respectful. Every time she posts about coming to some sort of resolved, comfortable place where they are all talking and moving forward you stir up the pot and hammer her with crap like telling her to go easy on cuckolding -- when it is you who is saying she is doing that, not her! -- and in a way that makes it sound like you think she doesn't know what she's doing. Aurelie has come back and shared and it is obvious she is compassionate , considerate, and caring in her relationships, and strives to communicate well with both her men. Are you sure you are not projecting some of your own shit onto her? You have only posted to this thread and no others - what is your problem with Aurelie?
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Last edited by nycindie; 05-01-2012 at 04:36 AM.
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  #156  
Old 05-01-2012, 05:26 AM
Brid75 Brid75 is offline
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nycindie, I haven't got time to reply to your post in detail as it's
early here, and I have to go to work. I hope to get the time later
though.

What I do want to say is that I have no problems with Aurelie
whatsoever, the opposite is true and if you read the post you will
realise what I have said is quoting Aurelie herself. Going by her posts,
I think that she is a lovely girl.

As I said in my last post............I like both Aurelie and her bf very
much, and have nothing but respect and admiration for the way she is
trying to make things right for the the two men and one little man in
her life. She is asking for advice and that's good, but as I said, she
seems to be doing all the right things at the moment, so why you say that I think she doesn't know what shes doing I dont know. I think she is doing great, much better than I did.

Her thread has caught my eye because her circumstances are very similar
in lots of ways to my own from a few years back. I'm touched by her
posts, I do not usually participate in forums, but because of the above,
I have decided to post in hers. I have my fingers and toes crossed for
her. I'm hoping my advice can help her avoid the same mistakes that I
made.

In one of your own posts you suggested that her bf may get a kick out of
cuckolding as a fetish, it seems you may have been right. I may be wrong?

Again, I like her, and what she has to say a great deal.
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  #157  
Old 05-01-2012, 06:09 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Brid75 View Post
nycindie...

In one of your own posts you suggested that her bf may get a kick out of cuckolding as a fetish, it seems you may have been right. I may be wrong?
Yes, you are wrong and misread my words. I was only responding to the course of conversation, where you kept saying to Aurelie "you are cuckolding him, you should continue to do it, nothing wrong with that, your bf isn't man enough for the task," etc. (!) which was really OFF. Here is my response to that part of the conversation - please note the parts I bolded:
Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I don't think you're cuckolding your bf. Your lover may sometimes boast about being able to "have you" or steal you from your bf, and so he might think your bf is a cuckold, but I don't think that is why you are involved with your lover. You were with your lover first, and your bf knew and accepted it, was also seeing others, so he wasn't just putting up with it and being humiliated. His feelings seem to have deepened toward you and he's changed his mind about being with other women, but I don't really think you are cuckolding him.

Now cuckolding can be done on purpose as a fetish, if a guy wants to be cuckolded, but I doubt that that's what your bf wants. Do you think he might want that and not realize it? It's always possible that a part of him, as a kink or fetish, gets turned on by the idea of being humiliated -- and maybe that's why he keeps asking you about your lover's dick. He might not even know that he could be turned on by this. ...But if it just seems like he's insecure and upset about you and your lover, then I doubt it's humiliation and cuckolding he wants.
Brid75, it sounds like you are really into cuckolding, yourself. But their situation seems to have improved greatly, anyway, so why keep hammering away at her?
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Last edited by nycindie; 05-01-2012 at 06:11 AM.
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  #158  
Old 05-01-2012, 02:16 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Yikes! As I hit post, I thought to myself that bringing up the "c" word again would probably just cause some kind of trouble.

There is a very important distinction to be made here. To say that the OP is cuckolding her bf is just plain wrong. The definition of cuckolding is being unfaithful, which had nothing to do with ethical poly, which the OP is practicing. The connotations of cuckolding in the modern , fetish-y way it's used are that the female partner is purposefully humiliating her male partner, emasculating him. Again, nothing could be further from the truth of the OP's actions towards her bf. I got really offended at some of the presumptions that were thrown around earlier that implied her behavior was inherently hurtful or that she'd put him in a bad position. She's been respectful, caring, honest, supportive, and loving -- NOT cuckolding in the least.

However, there is the reality and then there is the fantasy. While I disagree with much of what DH said earlier in the thread, he also said "He may embrace the cuckold/turned on / hot wife thing". And the fact that they are now doing roleplay and the bf is getting off on being teased about the lover (a very common mild intro to kinky cuckolding play) leads me to the inescapable conclusion that DH was right on that score! I'm surprised, the OP is surprised, the bf may well be surprised, but at least one person did predict it and I felt it only fair to point that out.

The thing is, it's not real. To say she "is cuckolding him" is like saying of a couple who enjoys consensual non-consent (in other words pretend "rape" where the person being "raped" in fact loves the idea and could call it off at any time), "he is raping her". Putting it like that makes it seem like something abusive and wrong and unwanted is happening. Rather, in that situation you would say "they are enjoying the fantasy of rape". And in this situation, at least to some minor degree that may or may not go any further, the OP and her bf are enjoying the fantasy of cuckolding. They are *playing* and if that's not explicitly acknowledged in the way people talk about it, it paints entirely the wrong picture.

"She has also told us that she likes to be tied up and given anal sex when she is with her lover and that her bf waits at home to give her a cuddle when she gets back....That to me is a cuckold." <-- I completely disagree. It's what you make of it. Would it not be cuckolding if she wasn't doing anal with her lover? Would it not be cuckolding if her bf wasn't sweet to her after because he loves her? What makes this cuckolding? Nothing. I mean, maybe you're not tring to do this, maybe it's just a poor wording choice or me misreading, but all I can think when I read this is -- what the heck is up with throwing this label on her bf, which he may or may not ever choose to embrace for purposes of roleplay, as if it's some essential thing about him, just because certain elements of their situation outwardly resemble a trope? This situation, at its core, is just a matter of a woman with two lovers who loves sex, and to insist that that must be emasculating to the one who's gentler comes off, ironically since I'm sure you don't mean it that way, as anti-sex and anti-gender-equality and anti-poly. If they choose to embrace the potential to read that into the dynamic as a form of roleplay, awesome. But don't confuse play with reality.

The difference is that in the fantasy, the partner playing the role of the "cuckold" has no choice in what's happening and doesn't like it, when in fact the bf could call off this form of play at any time. The difference is that in the fantasy, the partner playing the role of the one doing the cuckolding likes to see her partner squirm and doesn't respect him, when nothing could be further from the OP's reality outside, perhaps, the bounds of this new roleplaying they're doing. The difference is that there is not in fact anything inherently humiliating or emasculating about having rough sex with one guy and coming home to another... otherwise, there'd be a LOT more poly men calling themselves "cuckolds".
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  #159  
Old 05-01-2012, 02:48 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Can you tell this issue, of not acknowledging the line between fantasy and reality in kink, really gets me upset?

I wanted to expand on my comment above that I find it anti-gender-equality to say that a man who's ok with his wife having rough sex with someone else and then coming home to him "is" a cuckold. A cuckold, again, in popular understanding, is a man whose female partner is unfaithful to him and who then humiliates him by rubbing it in his face.

The main thing that hampers gender equality is the idea that there are certain things each gender inherently is or should be. Women are weak, soft, small, submissive. Men are strong, hard, big, dominant. Screw that, we are each what we choose to be. The cuckolding fantasy -- that a man who either "allows" or who "can't stop" "his" woman from being with a stronger, harder, bigger, more dominant man is therefore less of a man in comparison, is humiliated, emasculated -- can ONLY exist in the context of these gender tropes. In reality, the size of his penis or how hard he fucks does NOT make a man more or less of a man (that's the assumption that's anti-gender-equality), nor does letting his partner freely express her sexuality with another somehow make him someone who is powerless or impotent (that's the assumption that's anti-sex and anti-poly).

To *pretend* that any of these things are true because they can have an incredible erotic edge to them to people raised in a society steeped in these tropes is fine as long as everyone understands what's going on, has given consent, and understands that they're free to step out of the fantasy at any time. That's the paradox and the beauty of kink, you get to take what can be some really "wrong" urges and safely explore them for fun and profit (by profit I mean orgasms).

If we fail to acknowledge the line ("I call myself my partner's slave, but I'm actually free to leave any time", "I pretend to rape my partner but I would never actually do anything he didn't want me to do", "I savor the role of cuckold because it turns me on but I know there's nothing actually humiliating about being exactly who I am") we not only give others a VERY bad impression of what's going on, we also run the risk of damaging ourselves and/or our partners by losing sight of the "sane and consensual" parts of "safe, sane and consensual" kinky play.

Sorry for threadjacking, OP!
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  #160  
Old 05-01-2012, 07:25 PM
niceinjeans niceinjeans is offline
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Screw that, we are each what we choose to be.
Hear, hear! Soapbox or not, I whole-heartedly agree.
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